Have I lost touch with sanity, or just playing fool to self?

[Superduperstuper]

I have been an iv meth addict for 20 years now. I am almost 35 years old. Recently I decided I wanted to seek help for my addiction due to the obvious signs it was going to cost me my relationship (He uses too) or / and my children. I thought I was ready and that by doing this would at least be me doing my best. That was July 2016. I was using probably 3 or more grams a day myself. I have slowed to maybe a quarter gram to half gram a day, on the days i use. But it still is using . I feel like I have lost my mind. I am now at a period of time where I can get sober sometimes for a day or week, but then fall back. I then struggle to stop again. I'll hide it from partner, not stick to my personally set end times.... I asked cps to get involved because I thought that would be a tool to use as I have quit before when facing them. It's not helping, it's making it worse. I go to therapy 1 a week, I do outpatient group 1 week, I started some classes to keep me busy 3 days a week.... still using. And I am lost on why, or what can I do? I have had many times over the 20 years where I have stopped. Why not now? I just thought I needed help learning how to stay quit. It's making me crazy and I don't know what to do. Is this when inpatient is needed? Am I fooling myself? I feel like I am. I feel like I am just not looking at reality. I hate feeling like I am riding a sinking ship that just needs me to take one step left to save it.

 

[herbavore]

Wow, you are really trying hard---give yourself a lot of credit for that! Do you think that the fear of giving it up completely is overwhelming your commitment? It's so hard being a mom--it takes a lot of physical, psychological and emotional energy. If you are used to having the crutch of a stimulant it may be terrifying to give it up.

It doesn't sound to me like you are fooling yourself but it does sound like something else is needed. Would it be possible to go to inpatient if that's what you decide? Also, if your partner still uses, how are you going to deal with the temptation?

When you have stayed away from drugs for a week at a time, what is the trigger that makes you go back?

 

[g0to]

You've slowed down already from what youve said... 3grams to 1/4-1/2g a day... man thats like going from a braindead zombie to someone at least semi-functional.. think about it... if you hadnt lowered your dose like that then you would not even be having these thoughts of self doubt etc in the first place. give yourself credit for that man^ as the poster above said. Youre not going insane, if anything you are sobering up/realigning with your reality again (sounds cheesy i know but come on now there isnt much better way to describe those whole processes as its nopt really defined anywhere because so few ppl go thru this and write about it/try to describe it in the first place)

Just keep it up with the classes, do you work? Keep plugging yourself into reality any which way you can, sunsets, maybe meet some new people that dont use and dont know about your past using history, it might help keep you off it, and other than that just keep the hydration and food up and exercise and you should be good my man

fucking trippy isnt it