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Got the message, time to hang up the phone and integrate it

B

BenzosBudOrBooty

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 21, 2010
Messages
198
I always knew I was crazy but now im embarrassing crazy. Yeah I’m one of those guys

you guys have told me to be careful so I can’t blame anyone here but myself obviously

Let me tell the story

it started last Thursday got 7 grams of k. And me being the maniac I am after 5 grams I hired an escort. We really hit it off. You know escorts?? Most of them smoke crack do heroin and like this one, pcp.
But man I like fell in great lust with her

I’ve never had a girlfriend in my life im
Almost 31 years old but she wants to be my girlfriend she says she loves me and it feels a strange way.

anyways we hung out for 24 hours I take her home. Call some friends. Shoot the shit. She smoked pcp last night and did some k and was fine.
Idk what happened because she left a roach here I smoked 1 hit. It was so bad in every way.
But that’s not what triggered me till I did more k.

well anyways I kept snorting k I think till I fell into the craziest “k-hole” of my life. Except it was an evil pcp k hole with invincibility , grandiosity, and tons of anger.

I faced 20 years of abuse I’d say. For who I’ve been and who I am. I have schozoaffective and I shouldn’t be taking psychs or anything but I settled on ketamine because it was healing me for a while. I called it the Jesus powder cuz it made me believe I was Jesus Christ himself. We have stuff in common. Our most common thing is we have common in stuff with every type of person. Religious Christian people like my boss are telling me this is happened for a reason but I’m just not so sure anymore because I’m not supposed to believe in these crazy thoughts anymore I think. Well right now a little shooken up. I could’ve died. But not for a second I thought I was gonna die. Thought I went through another dimension which transformed me into Jesus. The real Jesus. Thought a lot of things. Said a lot of racist stuff I’m not a racist. It’s just, race has been a big theme in my life. And I was so angry. It was like 20 years of pent up anger let out.
I don’t know what I’m gonna do. Just gotta take it one day at a time now.done with k. Done with pcp even though that was the first and only. I will be done with weed after tonight also.
I don’t really wanna say more.

the k hole hallucinations as drugged out as I was and howfucked up it was it was pretty magical and so real feeling I can’t begin to describe.
My friends, family and the police and Tom Brady were all there with me. It wasn’t a k hole I don’t think because I wasn’t incapacitated but it was whatever pcp x ketamine induced. Wasn’t the greatest k either. Just awful. So ashamed so embarrassed. I never have to do drugs again though if I play my cards right and I will be better for it. Wish me luck soldiers.
 
BenzosBudOrBooty said:
I always knew I was crazy but now im embarrassing crazy. Yeah I’m one of those guys

you guys have told me to be careful so I can’t blame anyone here but myself obviously

Let me tell the story

it started last Thursday got 7 grams of k. And me being the maniac I am after 5 grams I hired an escort. We really hit it off. You know escorts?? Most of them smoke crack do heroin and like this one, pcp.
But man I like fell in great lust with her

I’ve never had a girlfriend in my life im
Almost 31 years old but she wants to be my girlfriend she says she loves me and it feels a strange way.

anyways we hung out for 24 hours I take her home. Call some friends. Shoot the shit. She smoked pcp last night and did some k and was fine.
Idk what happened because she left a roach here I smoked 1 hit. It was so bad in every way.
But that’s not what triggered me till I did more k.

well anyways I kept snorting k I think till I fell into the craziest “k-hole” of my life. Except it was an evil pcp k hole with invincibility , grandiosity, and tons of anger.

I faced 20 years of abuse I’d say. For who I’ve been and who I am. I have schozoaffective and I shouldn’t be taking psychs or anything but I settled on ketamine because it was healing me for a while. I called it the Jesus powder cuz it made me believe I was Jesus Christ himself. We have stuff in common. Our most common thing is we have common in stuff with every type of person. Religious Christian people like my boss are telling me this is happened for a reason but I’m just not so sure anymore because I’m not supposed to believe in these crazy thoughts anymore I think. Well right now a little shooken up. I could’ve died. But not for a second I thought I was gonna die. Thought I went through another dimension which transformed me into Jesus. The real Jesus. Thought a lot of things. Said a lot of racist stuff I’m not a racist. It’s just, race has been a big theme in my life. And I was so angry. It was like 20 years of pent up anger let out.
I don’t know what I’m gonna do. Just gotta take it one day at a time now.done with k. Done with pcp even though that was the first and only. I will be done with weed after tonight also.
I don’t really wanna say more.

the k hole hallucinations as drugged out as I was and howfucked up it was it was pretty magical and so real feeling I can’t begin to describe.
My friends, family and the police and Tom Brady were all there with me. It wasn’t a k hole I don’t think because I wasn’t incapacitated but it was whatever pcp x ketamine induced. Wasn’t the greatest k either. Just awful. So ashamed so embarrassed. I never have to do drugs again though if I play my cards right and I will be better for it. Wish me luck soldiers.
Click to expand...
Good luck and you can do this.
 
Don't be so cut and dried about it - that's setting yourself up for failure if you ever do start slipping. Just use drugs that are good for you and arn't addictive. Psychedelics mostly.

Remember the guy who coined the phrase "When you get the message hang up the phone" became a hopeless alcoholic and drank himself to death. He would've been a lot better staying on the phone because the "message" he got was obviously bullshit.
 
Ismene2 said:
Remember the guy who coined the phrase "When you get the message hang up the phone" became a hopeless alcoholic and drank himself to death. He would've been a lot better staying on the phone because the "message" he got was obviously bullshit.
Click to expand...
Funny how we get to know our BL people's. Everytime I hear that phase I think of you Ismene. :) But I also secretely hope you never see some of my downsides. LOL

But yeah phones are meant to be used more than once.

Take care of yourself BBB. Follow whatever calls you and never feel guilty for exploring.
 
Cheers Jack. I remember hearing that phrase for years and being slightly annoyed by it but then when I read his biography and finding out just how pathetic and hopeless an alky he turned into (god bless him btw I've been pretty fucking pathetic myself so my heart goes out to him) it really blew apart the idea that you get some kind of profound "message" and can then declare yourself finished with psychedelics because they can't teach you anymore? What a joke.

And even you can't "learn" anymore from psychedelics - who cares - they are still the best way of laughing your bollocks off and feeling euphoric. And euphoria is good for you! :)
 
BenzosBudOrBooty said:
I always knew I was crazy but now im embarrassing crazy. Yeah I’m one of those guys

you guys have told me to be careful so I can’t blame anyone here but myself obviously

Let me tell the story

it started last Thursday got 7 grams of k. And me being the maniac I am after 5 grams I hired an escort. We really hit it off. You know escorts?? Most of them smoke crack do heroin and like this one, pcp.
But man I like fell in great lust with her

I’ve never had a girlfriend in my life im
Almost 31 years old but she wants to be my girlfriend she says she loves me and it feels a strange way.

anyways we hung out for 24 hours I take her home. Call some friends. Shoot the shit. She smoked pcp last night and did some k and was fine.
Idk what happened because she left a roach here I smoked 1 hit. It was so bad in every way.
But that’s not what triggered me till I did more k.

well anyways I kept snorting k I think till I fell into the craziest “k-hole” of my life. Except it was an evil pcp k hole with invincibility , grandiosity, and tons of anger.

I faced 20 years of abuse I’d say. For who I’ve been and who I am. I have schozoaffective and I shouldn’t be taking psychs or anything but I settled on ketamine because it was healing me for a while. I called it the Jesus powder cuz it made me believe I was Jesus Christ himself. We have stuff in common. Our most common thing is we have common in stuff with every type of person. Religious Christian people like my boss are telling me this is happened for a reason but I’m just not so sure anymore because I’m not supposed to believe in these crazy thoughts anymore I think. Well right now a little shooken up. I could’ve died. But not for a second I thought I was gonna die. Thought I went through another dimension which transformed me into Jesus. The real Jesus. Thought a lot of things. Said a lot of racist stuff I’m not a racist. It’s just, race has been a big theme in my life. And I was so angry. It was like 20 years of pent up anger let out.
I don’t know what I’m gonna do. Just gotta take it one day at a time now.done with k. Done with pcp even though that was the first and only. I will be done with weed after tonight also.
I don’t really wanna say more.

the k hole hallucinations as drugged out as I was and howfucked up it was it was pretty magical and so real feeling I can’t begin to describe.
My friends, family and the police and Tom Brady were all there with me. It wasn’t a k hole I don’t think because I wasn’t incapacitated but it was whatever pcp x ketamine induced. Wasn’t the greatest k either. Just awful. So ashamed so embarrassed. I never have to do drugs again though if I play my cards right and I will be better for it. Wish me luck soldiers.
Click to expand...
It’s better to let the anger out in a safe way with words rather then actions. Do not be ashamed that’s a way us addicts get to convince ourselves our behaviors are acceptable. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for what you hold on to that makes you use, and forgive yourself for using and find some support around you. Lemme tell you I’m 30 and I’ve had a lot of one night stands and a few girlfriends. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, I know loneliness is a killer but you crave oxytocin which can be given to you by adopting a dog, feeding the homeless or clothing them. Helping volunteer where helps needed and working out. You’ll only end up with lowered inhibitors from K and PCP will induce you into mania regardless if your bipolar. Mania is bad, but mania with no inhibitions will only fuck you worse then you will ever know. Don’t swear off drugs it will never happen. Live day by day or second by second if you have to. Give a meeting a try, or try out martial arts. You have the potential to find a healthy woman who isn’t just there to party
 
Ismene2 said:
Remember the guy who coined the phrase " ..........................
Click to expand...
Same here as JackaRoe said. I've always remembered your quote and coincidentally have just read Watt's autobiography recently. Dunno about you, but I got the distinct impression he wasn't really a psychedelics sort of guy. I suspect he had a wide range of experiences, but he certainly wasn't impressed by the set up at Millbank. Cracking brain/imagination though (as well as all the other traits that made him so likeable).
 
@Ismene2
Another way of looking at it is that Alan consistently followed through his philosophy that lifespan isn't the ultimate measure of the good. It's a conclusion often reached by people who have lived close to death, it's very far from bullshit. Unless you fancy the retirement home life I suppose.

If you'd looked even closer into his life then you'd know he didn't exactly hang up that phone. That's how his books got written. Hanging up the phone was his message to the masses, to people not using it for intellectual or artistic reasons. Consider that therapeutic application was still a speculative idea at the time, with no referential frameworks available yet, and that other voices of the time needed some push-back to try and stop the mass-production of dead-end mental masturbators.

It's hard to argue against ever wiser use of the psychological equivalent of nuclear power, throwing Alan Watts under the bus over it is unnecessarily defensive. Maybe it's even indicative of the very thing he tried to warn us for.
 
Fair enough Chris but I think your personal life must reflect on the reality of your public statements. He was still touring and giving speeches about "enlightenment" and then he was going back to the hotel room and annihilating himself on scotch every night. His son asked him "Don't you want to live dad?" and he said "Yes son, but it's not worth the effort"

I just think that's something I'd like to know before devoting myself to his teachings. He was a suicidal alcoholic talking about enlightenment - that must be a strange gig. I think at some point I'dve had to cut to the chase and tell my audience "Look, this is what I've devoted my life to and it did absolutely fuck all for me - after this I'm going back to my room and getting fucking slaughtered - take from that what you will. I am available for childrens parties".
 
spiritual leadership is not an easy load to bear, it reeks of correctness as an example to others, but that makes things even worse for the flock which is basically "monkey see monkey do"

the compassion we need in this case is to see that he was just one of us, another passenger on the bus.
 
BenzosBudOrBooty said:
I always knew I was crazy but now im embarrassing crazy. Yeah I’m one of those guys

you guys have told me to be careful so I can’t blame anyone here but myself obviously

Let me tell the story

it started last Thursday got 7 grams of k. And me being the maniac I am after 5 grams I hired an escort. We really hit it off. You know escorts?? Most of them smoke crack do heroin and like this one, pcp.
But man I like fell in great lust with her

I’ve never had a girlfriend in my life im
Almost 31 years old but she wants to be my girlfriend she says she loves me and it feels a strange way.

anyways we hung out for 24 hours I take her home. Call some friends. Shoot the shit. She smoked pcp last night and did some k and was fine.
Idk what happened because she left a roach here I smoked 1 hit. It was so bad in every way.
But that’s not what triggered me till I did more k.

well anyways I kept snorting k I think till I fell into the craziest “k-hole” of my life. Except it was an evil pcp k hole with invincibility , grandiosity, and tons of anger.

I faced 20 years of abuse I’d say. For who I’ve been and who I am. I have schozoaffective and I shouldn’t be taking psychs or anything but I settled on ketamine because it was healing me for a while. I called it the Jesus powder cuz it made me believe I was Jesus Christ himself. We have stuff in common. Our most common thing is we have common in stuff with every type of person. Religious Christian people like my boss are telling me this is happened for a reason but I’m just not so sure anymore because I’m not supposed to believe in these crazy thoughts anymore I think. Well right now a little shooken up. I could’ve died. But not for a second I thought I was gonna die. Thought I went through another dimension which transformed me into Jesus. The real Jesus. Thought a lot of things. Said a lot of racist stuff I’m not a racist. It’s just, race has been a big theme in my life. And I was so angry. It was like 20 years of pent up anger let out.
I don’t know what I’m gonna do. Just gotta take it one day at a time now.done with k. Done with pcp even though that was the first and only. I will be done with weed after tonight also.
I don’t really wanna say more.

the k hole hallucinations as drugged out as I was and howfucked up it was it was pretty magical and so real feeling I can’t begin to describe.
My friends, family and the police and Tom Brady were all there with me. It wasn’t a k hole I don’t think because I wasn’t incapacitated but it was whatever pcp x ketamine induced. Wasn’t the greatest k either. Just awful. So ashamed so embarrassed. I never have to do drugs again though if I play my cards right and I will be better for it. Wish me luck soldiers.
Click to expand...
I mean I can relate to the k, pcp, and dissociative use, they are by far my favorite drugs of abuse. I also considered myself to be Jesus for a while and that didn’t turn out well at all. Let’s hope for your sake you are not the real Jesus because at 31 you’ve only got 2 years left before you gotta get crucified and that doesn’t sound fun. Thankfully I’ve made it to 33 and haven’t been crucified yet so here’s for hoping that doesn’t happen anytime soon. Anyway if you want to be completely done with drugs I wish you the best of luck..however as someone with some clean time in the past it’s not as easy as it sounds. The temptation is always there and although I have done fair for the most part, and gave managed to get some good prescriptions in the long run it’s still an ever present temptation.
 
EntheoDjinn said:
Same here as JackaRoe said. I've always remembered your quote and coincidentally have just read Watt's autobiography recently. Dunno about you, but I got the distinct impression he wasn't really a psychedelics sort of guy. I suspect he had a wide range of experiences, but he certainly wasn't impressed by the set up at Millbank. Cracking brain/imagination though (as well as all the other traits that made him so likeable).
Click to expand...
Alan Watts did take LSD and he smoked DMT as well.

Psychedelics Archives

www.alanwatts.org www.alanwatts.org

Millbrook was disliked by locals, and in general as Leary and Alpert/Ram Dass would give teenage girls, boys, and adult men and women high doses of LSD and then rape them. Kesey and the pranksters and some of the dead's roadies did the same to women, and girls who were not adults.
 
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While i do not have concrete proof, for obvious reasons, i think it's certianly plausible that Leary and the like used drugs to manipulate young women. Albert Hoffman writes in his book that Leary thought 1) it was ok for young people to use psychedelic drugs and 2) that LSD was one of the best drugs for sex

Leary was certainly a hedonist in many aspects and given his 5 wives he had during his life he was no doubt a ladies man

as for the OP, hanging up the phone is perfectly ok. You'll probably know when it rings again. Maybe it'll be a scam call (has happened to me) but you'll be ok. Just keep moving forward
 
pupnik said:
quite some allegations there, @PriestTheyCalledHim
that would make all the psychedelic forebears into perverts
Click to expand...
The problem with allegations are these people are not around to defend themselves. Actually such accusations only hurt the person that accuses. (when you get far enough out there on a psychedelic it can show you that truth) And to keep it fair I would defend you too Priest if you were not here defend yourself and someone said something about you. Equal opportunity you know? Equal for all.

But one last question. What if you hung up the phone, and Jesus calls on the mainline asking you to tell him what you want? :D MIssed opportunity because you hung up the phone. lol (now I am singing that song all day and pointing to my dog when I say "tell him what you want!")

Jesus on the mainline tell him what you want!
Jesus on the mainline tell him what you want!
Jesus on the mainline tell him what you want!
 
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PriestTheyCalledHim said:
Alan Watts did take LSD and he smoked DMT as well.

Psychedelics Archives

www.alanwatts.org www.alanwatts.org
Click to expand...
Thanks for the link :). I wasn't actually implying or inferring he didn't take psyches - just that I got the impression it wasn't something he made a habit of, and perhaps his experiences were limited to less than many people on this forum.

But he obviously had so much more going on in his psyche than guys like me, so I can understand that. He did also say that he intended to, and I suspect he did, quietly retire to the countryside in England and tend a medicinal herb garden So I suspect he had a wide range of plant-mediated spiritual experiences under his belt until late on in his life.
 
thegreenhand said:
While i do not have concrete proof, for obvious reasons, i think it's certianly plausible that Leary and the like used drugs to manipulate young women. Albert Hoffman writes in his book that Leary thought 1) it was ok for young people to use psychedelic drugs and 2) that LSD was one of the best drugs for sex

Leary was certainly a hedonist in many aspects and given his 5 wives he had during his life he was no doubt a ladies man

as for the OP, hanging up the phone is perfectly ok. You'll probably know when it rings again. Maybe it'll be a scam call (has happened to me) but you'll be ok. Just keep moving forward
Click to expand...

I know it's not the PC thing to say anymore - but maybe there are young women who actually want and enjoy sex? I remember when I was 12, a 12 year old girl telling me she had just had the arse fucked off her by her 18 year old boyfriend - there was no "I was forced into it", she loved it.

Leary's marraige before he got introduced to mushrooms was interesting - she committed suicide on his birthday. He got home and found her gassed in the car - I think she left him a note saying "Fuck you" for being with other women.
 
Ismene2 said:
I know it's not the PC thing to say anymore - but maybe there are young women who actually want and enjoy sex? I remember when I was 12, a 12 year old girl telling me she had just had the arse fucked off her by her 18 year old boyfriend - there was no "I was forced into it", she loved it.

Leary's marraige before he got introduced to mushrooms was interesting - she committed suicide on his birthday. He got home and found her gassed in the car - I think she left him a note saying "Fuck you" for being with other women.
Click to expand...
I suppose it’s possible. But it’s well demonstrated that psychedelics increase suggestibility. They may have come to see him as their guru who they had to please or something like that

like I said, no proof that he did anything wrong. but I hesitate to say that young (emotionally immature) girls who have just been introduced to some of the most powerful psychoactive drugs known to man would be acting 100% rationally and on their own volition
 
Maybe Greenland but I'm always a little uncomfortable when people put themselves in others shoes and try to say how they would feel - I have a hard enough time knowing how I feel let alone a woman from 50 years ago on acid. Obviously at that time in the South girls were married and having kids at 13 and 14 - no big deal.
 
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