GIRLS: Getting approached in a bar

[Bob Loblaw]

A few nights ago I was out with friends at our usual spot; I noticed this gorgeous girl from a few nigts ago, sitting alone again. I went up to the bar to order drinks for the rest of my squad. I said, "Heyyy, you were here the other night... You were wearing a [restaurant located a few miles away] shirt. How's it going?" Don't rememeber the rest of the full conversation, but I wasn't drunk. We made some small talk, my co-worker came up beside us & talked for a minute or two. I said, "Heyy, does a guy named Jose work there? He works at [the restaurant where my firiend & I work]."
She said, "Ohh, yeah he does." I replied, "I thought so; he's one of my good work-friends." We made a bit more small talk; I intorduced myself, asked 3 times if I wasn't bother her, I just wanted to say 'hey'." Eventually I said, "SO I've seen you here alone before--none of your coworkers or boyfriend comes along?" SHe replied, "Nahh, they don't, and I don't have a boyfriend." I just said, "Ohh, that stinks, no one joins you."
Shortly afterward I got my group's drinks, then went back to our table. I never hit on her, offered her a drink, etc. didn't even ask what she was having.

I get incredibly anxious, so I felt like I ruined that girl's night (that was mostly the booze talking). So ladies, if a well-dressed, well-groomed guy comes up beside you & makes small talk for maybe 7 minutes, would you feel awkward/annoyed, or would you feel nice that someone talked to you for just a few minutes, then left without going for a kiss or even touching your arm? ALl my female friends think I'm crazy, that it might have even made her night, but I'm so anxious.

FWIW my female friends, (includijng some lesbians) all think I'm handsome & well put-together. Pic related

 

[Journyman16]

Don't know about the ladies but you ignored a pretty clear sign she was interested - girls don't normally just volunteer they don't have a boyfriend.

 

[Bob Loblaw]

I know that I'll see her again... We'll see what happens. I'll say, "Oh, hey, it's Brittany, right? It's me Kirby; how's it going tonight?



Maybe this is better suited for SLR

 

[Mysterie]

its easy to overthink everything when it comes to dating. just try to jump past your fear in terms of asking for a girls number or letting her know your attracted to her in some way, it will always pay off because she will either think you have balls, or want to hang out.

i am terrible in this arena, you did well to talk to her at all tbh.

 

[malakaix]

Don't know about the ladies but you ignored a pretty clear sign she was interested - girls don't normally just volunteer they don't have a boyfriend.

Yeah i agree with this also.

You didn't mention her body language, that's usually a huge indicator if she's interested or not. She'll maintain eye-contact and maybe brush her hair back behind her ear, smile alot and even laugh at something you say, if she's not interested she'll keep looking away or at her phone..

Regardless, you must make a move if you see her again.. in my experience you usually only get one or two opportunities to show assertiveness and confidence before been cast aside as indecisive; then its hard if not impossible to come back from that.

I would be more direct next time.. If you walk in and see her, and she see's you.. go up and say 'Hey, you again.. what are you upto tonight?' don't use her name, she will respond with some answer; maybe 'Im just out on my own again' and you want to show her your interested by asking a direct question like 'Hey, well do you wanna join me for a drink?' you can elaborate on this depending on what she says but the point is you want to initiate action. If she makes an excuse then she's not interested, but if she says yes.. then you know. This cut's through all the 'how are you going? 'good" 'how's your night been?' small talk banter..

At least, that's how i would approach the situation..

I know what you mean about the anxiety though, i use to be quite good at approaching women and chatting.. knowing the signs and body language to read, but i've been out of the game for so long because of some dramatic changes in lifestyle and now im terrible, lots of anxiety and unable to lead the conversation in the direction i want it. Hopefully this will change soon when i get my life sorted again.

 

[Runtoparadise]

Well, I would be flattered. I've had my share of being approached by nice guys,- a simple can I take you out sometime? Kinda line. I've always said no, there's someone at home waiting for me. Not the case here, unless it's her mum

I understand you're anxious, but this poor girl clearly has no companions, & as long as you're clear & direct, you won't offend her. Just don't try touching her yet,- that's creepy behaviour.

Rtp

 

[Ainslinn]

If she was not interested, trust me if she didn't have a man already, she would have made one up real quick!

 

[alasdairm]

why are people so obsessed with overthinking situations like this? "what was she thinking?", "what would she have been thinking when i did this?", "what do you think she was thinking?", "should i have done this?", "should i have not said that?", "what should i do next time?", "how would things have been different if this had happened?", "how would you have felt if i had done this?", "how would you have felt if i had said that?" and on. and on. and on. and on. and on.

take a breath for god's sake. you're a person. she's a person. you're both awesome and flawed. stop thinking so much and start feeling. be in the moment. show up. tell the truth. don't get attached to the outcome.



alasdair

 

[herbavore]

take a breath for god's sake. you're a person. she's a person. you're both awesome and flawed. stop thinking so much and start feeling. be in the moment. show up. tell the truth. don't get attached to the outcome.



alasdair

He said what I wanted to say but much more succinctly. The last line btw is the cure for anxiety in general.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

It's just seven minutes of her life. Geez dude.

Also, I often spend 8hrs at the bar by myself. Random guys come up and talk to me all the time. It's great! If she didn't want human interaction--she wouldn't be at the bar.

 

[MikeRWK]

I probably wouldn't have mustered the courage to talk to her or said something completely retarded.But looking at this situation from the outside you missed an opportunity.

 

[yadida7570]

Well, if you already saw her twice, you'll see her again. And now you know.

And my say, to be approached like that, would be nice. And put a smile on my face. I hate the drunk ones. Its like, dude no one wants to hookup with your drunk staggerin ass, gtfo

 

[GenericMind]

I dunno man, that all sounded like a pretty casual, smooth, and successful encounter to me. You were able to break the ice, introduce yourself, and then go on with your night without making an ass of yourself or anything like that. If you would have tried to kiss her or something it probably would have been awkward and come off creepy.

It was a perfect execution of what we call "planting the seed." You're now on friendly terms with her and whether you see her tomorrow or a month from now, you can slide right in and say hi, then ask how she's been. Considering you were considering trying to kiss her or touch her arm after just that brief exchange, I'd advise going with the "less is more" approach. Try to keep any future encounters with her briefer than you normally would(ie don't sit there and talk to her for hours or try to hit on her hardcore). Keep it brief and friendly just like you did in this encounter you described.

After you do that a couple times, if she's still friendly go for more. If she starts to turn cold it's because you creeped her out somehow.

 

[thujone]

take a breath for god's sake. you're a person. she's a person. you're both awesome and flawed. stop thinking so much and start feeling. be in the moment. show up. tell the truth. don't get attached to the outcome.

agreed. i find that i sleep like a baby whenever i just get to the point and get flat-out rejected, but when there are vague possibilities left on the table i'll put myself through agony thinking about how i left matters. even worse, dragging things out just makes it more likely that she will change her opinion of you and no longer be interested.

 

[Bob Loblaw]

I dunno man, that all sounded like a pretty casual, smooth, and successful encounter to me. You were able to break the ice, introduce yourself, and then go on with your night without making an ass of yourself or anything like that. If you would have tried to kiss her or something it probably would have been awkward and come off creepy.

It was a perfect execution of what we call "planting the seed." You're now on friendly terms with her and whether you see her tomorrow or a month from now, you can slide right in and say hi, then ask how she's been. Considering you were considering trying to kiss her or touch her arm after just that brief exchange, I'd advise going with the "less is more" approach. Try to keep any future encounters with her briefer than you normally would(ie don't sit there and talk to her for hours or try to hit on her hardcore). Keep it brief and friendly just like you did in this encounter you described.

After you do that a couple times, if she's still friendly go for more. If she starts to turn cold it's because you creeped her out somehow.

 

[Tranced]

It depends who's approaching them and what they say. If people are crude, creepy, overtly in their face etc... they don't like it. Unless of course they really fancy them on looks alone.

I reckon you sound like you pulled it off pretty well. She was sitting by herself, I'd imagine that she possibly wanted to get approached by someone, even if it's just in a friendly fashion.

You're a good looking lad, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Go for it.

*The next time is crucial though. You need to be confident and forward. Whatever you do, don't get friend zoned. The next time is when you should make your move. Try and make her laugh and ask her for a drink. Start thinking of some things to say that aren't boring small talk, but aren't cheesy or cliché either.