Girlfriend with BPD (I Think), What Should I Do?

[wxtson]

Hello,

So I have too much to say that can be typed, but I'll do my best to explain my situation.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 1 year now, and we are both college age.=. The first few months were great, good sex, healthy relationship, we both loved spending time with each other. However, after a few months, she started to get toxic. She would get mad at me for the slightest and most ridiculous things. For example, I would get up early and cook her breakfast, help her get ready, and drive her to class early in the morning (even when I did not have to or want to get up that early), pick her up again from class, go back to my apartment to grab her something that she forgot, and then if I was 1 minute late she would blow up at me and say that I am selfish, and never do anything for her, tell me she can find someone better, etc.

For about a month this went on, but then it got better for a while (with the occasional outburst still), but recently it has gotten bad again.

We were supposed to go watch a school basketball game together with a group of mutual friends we have. She was super down to go, excited, etc, we had made the plans days in advance. She was running late getting ready, and we should have left 10 minutes prior so I ask her when she would be ready so I could tell our friends. She ends up getting super stressed and angry and tells me to just go by myself. Mind you, this exact situation (her being late, then telling me to go by myself) has happened 3-4 times before, and every time (including this time) the same thing happened. I ask her numerous times, "are you sure? Our friends are expecting you", and she confirms every time, including calling me an idiot for not having left already. So I leave. 2 minutes later I get a call from her, saying "why did you leave, I was about to come out and come with you". So respond, frustratedly, "You told me that you weren't going, and I ask you to confirm, and you did. But I am turning around since I'm still close, and I'll come pick you up". She responds "No don't get me. I'm going to go hangout with other people tonight. [Insert name of guy she thinks is hot] asked me to hangout so I'm just going to go do something with him." I get super frustrated (obviously). We end up yelling at each other for an hour, she cries, apologizes, and when we go to bed that night she says she loves me, never wants to lose me, wants to marry me, etc.

But this happens numerous times, the same thing over and over again. I'll do 100 favors for her, but I'm not there for her 1 time, or 1 time she asks to go out of my way to do something for her, and she say I'm not good enough, or "I'll go find someone who appreciates me", etc. And she rarely does equivalent favors for me.

I looked up borderline personality disorder and she seems to fit a lot of the traits, but I'm no psychologist.
1, What problem does she have,
2, what would you do in my situation? I truly love her girl, the first girl I have ever said I love you to. She means the world to me and like I always tell her in our fights, 99% of the time she's the best thing that has ever happened. But that 1% of the time, she makes me go crazy with her hurtful words and mind games.

 

[axldamon]

Okey brother i'm going to keep this reply as long as possible and tell you the truth from my personal experience which we broke up i went on NC for about a month or so.

She shows strong sign's of BPD(Borderline Personality Disease)which is a chronic mental illness that cannot be cured but it can be stagnated by the usage of Medication and Professional help without medications it will only get worse and you can't save her firstly.

This sickness is divided into 2 phases:Manic and Depressive
Manic Phase:They tend to be really sexual,their sexual urges are at peak,they are very enigmatic and fun to be around them they can flirt with anyone etc.
Depressive Phase:The phase when they crash down or i can simply call it the lie phase(when they will start telling lies and making you believe them),they have no energy for anything they see different kind of stuff,they cry,they get scared etc.

Symptoms:They have really low self esteem most of them they think they don't deserve something,they don't respect their self,their thoughts and ideas turn around so quickly,they get turned on and off in the matter of seconds,basically it's like a flame burn and go ice cold in the matter of seconds etc etc.

So okey i'm now going to relate my story and tell you the truth which it might sound harsh or hurt you at first but your going to thank me for this later on.

Firstly never forget this''You can't save her''it's not your job to save her when i first started dating the chick i went on full White Knight Mood protect her help about any problems that she head,and head no idea that she was BPD,told her i love you the most on the world etc the same stuff you described,I thought my love would keep her alive she was telling me all tho's sweet stuff and told me it's like a dream talking to you it worked like this for the first 3 months,then they change.

If you seek something serious with the girl not adventures which in my case i seeke'd something serious or a serious relationship it will never work without her using the Medications it's going to get to a point that Hell would seem a Luxury Place to You,and she is going to want to take them which in most cases they refuse to take them,there is nothing you can do about it.

Firstly she is going to hurt you so bad that your going to start to Doubt yourself,she is going to break you down and your self esteem,they are scared mostly of being cheated so she will later on start cheating on you and blame it to you,she is going to start to disrespect you,ruin your dignity,when my gf started going cold on me she was cheating with another god knows how many guys and i went cold on her just for 1 day and she freaked tried to accuse me of cheating and stuff.

And then your going to try to search for answers when she starts doing that,she will never answer you,if you like keeping up with all this bullshit just keep reading,you will catch her sleeping because of her uncontrolable sexual urges with random dudes.

And later on she will rather leave you play the Victim like you hurt her etc and go flirt with a random dude that she never head feelings use him as a rebound no matter how terrible he looks or whatever your going to feel down your basically going to break out asking yourself what did i do to deserve this after all tho's feelings i put in all tho's words and you will never know the answer or she is going to make you leave her which is the better option at least you can keep your dignity in that case.

I gave my girlfriend 110% of myself and in return she went lovey-dovey with all the strangers considered me as the boring guy,increased her self esteem to max flirting with everyone fucking random dudes,telling me all the ugly things that i never heard in my life calling me names talking with sarcasm in every second .

I swear to god it would be much Kinder to die with a Nuclear Warhead then go through the hell that she dragged me in until i dumped her.

So the answer is easy,it's going to sound rude and harsh because you have strong feelings for her i'm at the same position i still feel for her,No you can't save her there is no one that can save her,You might think i can help her etc but no normal person can,eventually your going to break out or get depressed enough her insecurities will become your insecurities,she will treat you like a scum bag and go all lovey dovey with all the other people she just started doing that,you have lots of Empathy for that girl and it's going to be hard for you.

There were married people with BPD like 10 or 15 years they head kids and the person that has BPD lets say in this case the Husband leaves home without a reason starts cheating and leaves his wife and children imagine how hard it is.

Most of the times they tend to come back which will be a closed cycle repeating all the stuffs all over again,myne in my case did not come back i miss her a lot,when they come back they start telling lies telling you they made a mistake your the perfect guy that they cheated etc and after a few months they same process goes in all over again this tend to happen when they crash or are depressed.

The strong fear of abandonment will beat everything that they feel it deep inside they will eventually leave you without an explanation because they are so afraid,or start cheating because they will feel that they got cheated,and when you ask them questions they will make you look stupid making you believe that your wrong which in this case means Manipulating you because of their fear and guilt,and you will start questioning your Sanity and Yourself basically play with your mind.

I know it's really hard for you i would suggest you to leave brother you can't really seek anything serious with her sooner or later it's going to happen no matter what mark my words if the medications and professional help is not there she will get worse,you can't save her neither protect her she is going to turn on this total stranger and blame it all to you.

I really feel everyday like pming to her but when i remember what she did i don't do it just move on you sleep with her i get it you love her but it's going to get worse and your going to put yourself through hell trust me about it experience talks.

Hope this helps have a great day and cheers up!!!!

 

[pofacedhoe]

she's is being manipulative and causing drama

you say you do things for her but she does not do things for you? how is that a reciprocal relationship

she has so much control that she is experimenting with how far she can push that level of control

when you pander to this shit its like taking a bad behaviour balloon and blowing it up some more.

if she was a child and was doing this to a parent and you were the observer you would see it for what it is. spoilt brat behaviour

shes is engineering an abandonment situation making oyu leave, then throwing a tantrum, then going out wiht other people. its not very honest or grown up. all she had to say was i wanna do something different tonight but instead a whole load of made up drama. wow sounds lovely.

what does she do for you? relationship is a two way street. both parties need to contribute as well as take

 

[theredgiant]

Lots and lots of women act like that man....my theory is be a piece of shit or deal with one...the choice is yours. There is no perfect relationship out there...I guarantee if you start being an asshole and lazy and selfish she will get all emotional and ask you why have you changed and become all submissive to try to get things back to the way they were or she will leave...either is better than the current.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Run far away, get out now while you can, and stay safe. Break up with her as gently as you can and don't fall for any manipulation tricks to try to get you back together or have contact with her. You deserve better than to be in or attempt a relationship with someone who is abusive like this.

I write from experience as one of my ex partners loved to play mind games, manipulate, had rules or I guess what you would call rituals like your partner does where they do things just for attention even negative stuff, etc. and I broke up and I see our former partnership or relationship as a learning experience. Good luck.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Go to couples therapy with her. Tell her that you are really concerned about your guys relationship. When you meet the therapist, talk about your problems. Talk about how frequent they are. Leave it to the professional.

 

[treezy z]

Dump immediately in front of people (witnesses.) Record every text and phone call. Leave town a couple weeks to avoid stalking/assault.

BPD bitches be crazy.

 

[pofacedhoe]

Dump immediately in front of people (witnesses.) Record every text and phone call. Leave town a couple weeks to avoid stalking/assault.

BPD bitches be crazy.

wow you sound like a douche

 

[dopemaster]

Ok reread the OP

Its not her diagnosis, its her, I want to make it clear that a diagnosis is usually bullshit and there is no real one disorder in most cases but various spectrums and she could be something different but sounds like full blown antisocial personality disorder aka borderline not to be confused with bipolar which I find far more annoying untreated

Borderline is far different than bipolar, I can't deal with untreated bipolar people at all, they can manage it with a bit of therapy of self awareness, there is a spectrum for sure and varying degress, like I don't get attached in relationships and am diagnosed with antisocial tendencies but not the disorder

I just don't feel much emotions, I try to emphasize and hence my curiosity in psychology, it is probably more of a coping mechanism on my part as well as my first wife which I am would say is way down the spectrum and I the joke which is true is I am the only person she has fucked and not assaulted or even yelled at, We just realized we were so similar why lie to a liar when it was obvious to us both so we embraced it and it worked for a while and when it didn't it wasn't a big deal

Borderline people can't help it or treat it, it is what it is, they lack emotions completely, similar to antisocial personality disorder or maybe same thing, haven't read the DSMIV lately but my mother has a phd in psychology and we talk psychology all the time, I read the dsm at 10 so yeah that would have been illegal if I was an adult because it is a restricted book

I did major in psychology but the way the field is these days I just don't want to do it and have no interest in a white collar job

My first wife is borderline, we are still friends to this day a decade later and still have sex sometimes

But yo your gf is probably cheating on you, she is lying to you, its making you miserable

Relationships are a two way street, you are not even compatible, the only reason my first wife and I got along was cuz I was a scumbag too and I have antisocial tendencies but don't act on them cuz I am not fullblown, lets put it this way I am the only person she has dated and not assaulted or even gotten cross with, we had another woman in a love triangle who was in love with both of us and I feel bad about it now

I was full blown hardcore cocaine user and alcoholic the whole time, when we parted ways, the first thing she said was " can we still be friends and fuck" and my reply was like "sounds perfect"

I talk to her several times a week, usually about music and art, she is super smart and I am probably the only person she actually ever cared for cuz we both told each other what we were, only difference is I changed sooner and way better, she still uses people, she cheats, she lies, she fucks over everyone but me, she does me a favor day or night and I do it likewise

The question is does she make you happy and is she true to you? The answer is nope and nope

She is lying to you to chill with another dude, red flag bruh, she kinda manipulative too, red flag, she gonna make you miserable, if she is borderline she doesnt have emotions really depending how far on the spectrum and maybe can comphrehend but it is difficult to emphasize something you can't feel, sorry just the way it is

So basically she isn't giving a fuck and not caring about how her actions affect others, sounds worse than my first marriage was, it wasn't bad for me cuz we had a pact and stuck to it, two drug addict loners out their mind on drugs who hated everyone and everything, she still that way

I changed, she changed a bit but I wouldn't date her, I would room mate with her, she is an awesome friend but I wouldn't get emotionally attached I fucked her in her car while her bf was in the living room and he saw and wasn't pissed, he broke down cried and smoked his weed with me, i felt bad for him tbph

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Dump immediately in front of people (witnesses.) Record every text and phone call. Leave town a couple weeks to avoid stalking/assault.

BPD bitches be crazy.

HA! Bet you're not perfect. One BPD bad experience does not represent all of us. I am a good person and working on myself. It is important to balance working out, taking care of your emotional needs and connecting to your spirituality in order to feel more grounded. It is also important to get into group therapy called DBT.

I am sick of the BPD stigma. I am one of the most loving, empathetic and compassionate people you would ever be lucky enough to meet.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Hello,

So I have too much to say that can be typed, but I'll do my best to explain my situation.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 1 year now, and we are both college age.=. The first few months were great, good sex, healthy relationship, we both loved spending time with each other. However, after a few months, she started to get toxic. She would get mad at me for the slightest and most ridiculous things. For example, I would get up early and cook her breakfast, help her get ready, and drive her to class early in the morning (even when I did not have to or want to get up that early), pick her up again from class, go back to my apartment to grab her something that she forgot, and then if I was 1 minute late she would blow up at me and say that I am selfish, and never do anything for her, tell me she can find someone better, etc.

For about a month this went on, but then it got better for a while (with the occasional outburst still), but recently it has gotten bad again.

We were supposed to go watch a school basketball game together with a group of mutual friends we have. She was super down to go, excited, etc, we had made the plans days in advance. She was running late getting ready, and we should have left 10 minutes prior so I ask her when she would be ready so I could tell our friends. She ends up getting super stressed and angry and tells me to just go by myself. Mind you, this exact situation (her being late, then telling me to go by myself) has happened 3-4 times before, and every time (including this time) the same thing happened. I ask her numerous times, "are you sure? Our friends are expecting you", and she confirms every time, including calling me an idiot for not having left already. So I leave. 2 minutes later I get a call from her, saying "why did you leave, I was about to come out and come with you". So respond, frustratedly, "You told me that you weren't going, and I ask you to confirm, and you did. But I am turning around since I'm still close, and I'll come pick you up". She responds "No don't get me. I'm going to go hangout with other people tonight. [Insert name of guy she thinks is hot] asked me to hangout so I'm just going to go do something with him." I get super frustrated (obviously). We end up yelling at each other for an hour, she cries, apologizes, and when we go to bed that night she says she loves me, never wants to lose me, wants to marry me, etc.

But this happens numerous times, the same thing over and over again. I'll do 100 favors for her, but I'm not there for her 1 time, or 1 time she asks to go out of my way to do something for her, and she say I'm not good enough, or "I'll go find someone who appreciates me", etc. And she rarely does equivalent favors for me.

I looked up borderline personality disorder and she seems to fit a lot of the traits, but I'm no psychologist.
1, What problem does she have,
2, what would you do in my situation? I truly love her girl, the first girl I have ever said I love you to. She means the world to me and like I always tell her in our fights, 99% of the time she's the best thing that has ever happened. But that 1% of the time, she makes me go crazy with her hurtful words and mind games.

Ok. After reading this I realized YOU have diagnosed her. Which is not your place, but since you notice those traits, you can encourage her to seek professional help. If she is not willing, then you need to move on!

You do not deserve to be someone's punching bag. I have at least been aware and getting help. It's only been a year and this sounds like too much stress and yes, toxic. So recommend professional help and tell her if she is not willing to work on herself, then it's over. No one deserves that and it sounds like you've been a good guy throughout this.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Ok reread the OP

Its not her diagnosis, its her, I want to make it clear that a diagnosis is usually bullshit and there is no real one disorder in most cases but various spectrums and she could be something different but sounds like full blown antisocial personality disorder aka borderline not to be confused with bipolar which I find far more annoying untreated

Borderline is far different than bipolar, I can't deal with untreated bipolar people at all, they can manage it with a bit of therapy of self awareness, there is a spectrum for sure and varying degress, like I don't get attached in relationships and am diagnosed with antisocial tendencies but not the disorder

I just don't feel much emotions, I try to emphasize and hence my curiosity in psychology, it is probably more of a coping mechanism on my part as well as my first wife which I am would say is way down the spectrum and I the joke which is true is I am the only person she has fucked and not assaulted or even yelled at, We just realized we were so similar why lie to a liar when it was obvious to us both so we embraced it and it worked for a while and when it didn't it wasn't a big deal

Borderline people can't help it or treat it, it is what it is, they lack emotions completely, similar to antisocial personality disorder or maybe same thing, haven't read the DSMIV lately but my mother has a phd in psychology and we talk psychology all the time, I read the dsm at 10 so yeah that would have been illegal if I was an adult because it is a restricted book

I did major in psychology but the way the field is these days I just don't want to do it and have no interest in a white collar job

My first wife is borderline, we are still friends to this day a decade later and still have sex sometimes

But yo your gf is probably cheating on you, she is lying to you, its making you miserable

Relationships are a two way street, you are not even compatible, the only reason my first wife and I got along was cuz I was a scumbag too and I have antisocial tendencies but don't act on them cuz I am not fullblown, lets put it this way I am the only person she has dated and not assaulted or even gotten cross with, we had another woman in a love triangle who was in love with both of us and I feel bad about it now

I was full blown hardcore cocaine user and alcoholic the whole time, when we parted ways, the first thing she said was " can we still be friends and fuck" and my reply was like "sounds perfect"

I talk to her several times a week, usually about music and art, she is super smart and I am probably the only person she actually ever cared for cuz we both told each other what we were, only difference is I changed sooner and way better, she still uses people, she cheats, she lies, she fucks over everyone but me, she does me a favor day or night and I do it likewise

The question is does she make you happy and is she true to you? The answer is nope and nope

She is lying to you to chill with another dude, red flag bruh, she kinda manipulative too, red flag, she gonna make you miserable, if she is borderline she doesnt have emotions really depending how far on the spectrum and maybe can comphrehend but it is difficult to emphasize something you can't feel, sorry just the way it is

So basically she isn't giving a fuck and not caring about how her actions affect others, sounds worse than my first marriage was, it wasn't bad for me cuz we had a pact and stuck to it, two drug addict loners out their mind on drugs who hated everyone and everything, she still that way

I changed, she changed a bit but I wouldn't date her, I would room mate with her, she is an awesome friend but I wouldn't get emotionally attached I fucked her in her car while her bf was in the living room and he saw and wasn't pissed, he broke down cried and smoked his weed with me, i felt bad for him tbph

You study psychology? Then you should know for BPD there is group therapy specifically for it called DBT therapy. Also, you dare to say BPD's lack emotions completely? No. That sounds like a fucking sociopath. Sociapaths have no emotion. No remorse. No empathy. I have all of the above and if I do something wrong, the guilt is so strong, I beat myself up more than anyone.

This thread is competely misinformed. In the first place, OP is diagnosing her so people are labeling her with something and talking shit about a personality disorder you don't even know she has.
I'm not trying to be rude, but people who have no idea what they are talking about, REALLY need to shut up! I'd consider myself more of a psychologist than you are and I haven't even studied it. I feel sorry if you will actually get to the point where you are treating people because you will be one less person needed to spread lies and misinformation to patients. That wouldn't be helping others at all. Pisses me off to no end.

Just noticed you said you won't practice psychology. Thank God! Ugh.

 

[Felonious Monk]

Leave her as soon as possible.

I had to leave the first girl I ever told I loved (and I definitely did), because she wasn't good for my health (mental or physical). Sometimes I miss the way I used to fuck her, and the good times we had as a couple, but then I remember how happy I am that I haven't been to the hospital in almost 18 months (wasn't directly her fault, but her stressing me out made my chronic illness impossible to control). And our "honeymoon"/perfect phase lasted over a year...

 

[dopemaster]

You study psychology? Then you should know for BPD there is group therapy specifically for it called DBT therapy. Also, you dare to say BPD's lack emotions completely? No. That sounds like a fucking sociopath. Sociapaths have no emotion. No remorse. No empathy. I have all of the above and if I do something wrong, the guilt is so strong, I beat myself up more than anyone.

This thread is competely misinformed. In the first place, OP is diagnosing her so people are labeling her with something and talking shit about a personality disorder you don't even know she has.
I'm not trying to be rude, but people who have no idea what they are talking about, REALLY need to shut up! I'd consider myself more of a psychologist than you are and I haven't even studied it. I feel sorry if you will actually get to the point where you are treating people because you will be one less person needed to spread lies and misinformation to patients. That wouldn't be helping others at all. Pisses me off to no end.

Just noticed you said you won't practice psychology. Thank God! Ugh.

I said it was on the sociopath spectrum. I haven't taken a psychology class in a decade, but I am very close to a degree in, just have no interests in pursuing that career path. I am pretty close to finishing a dual major in what I want to do so I would just rather do that.

I would imagine there is some sort of therapy and there should be some sort of way someone with borerline can deal with it and not hurt people.

The OP's lover is not very nice, lying to him, and probably cheating. I wouldn't deal with that shit at all.

 

[pofacedhoe]

yeah BPD and sociopathy are not at all similar though extreme BPD can overlap with antisocial behaviour.

one groups problem stems from no emotions, the other group from overwhelming emotions, both lead to impulsivity and a lack of self control via different mechanisms

no-one is well controlled when overwhelmed by emotion. thats when you lash out/behave irrationally

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

I said it was on the sociopath spectrum. I haven't taken a psychology class in a decade, but I am very close to a degree in, just have no interests in pursuing that career path. I am pretty close to finishing a dual major in what I want to do so I would just rather do that.

I would imagine there is some sort of therapy and there should be some sort of way someone with borerline can deal with it and not hurt people.

The OP's lover is not very nice, lying to him, and probably cheating. I wouldn't deal with that shit at all.

That's where we agree. I said he shouldn't be her punching bag. Plus he's only been with her a year. For his own health, he should move on if she is not willing to get help.

 

[dopemaster]

Yeah I never see why people stay in shitty relationships.

This one is shit. Long story short.

Move on and find someone you are happy with instead of living some fantasy where this woman isn't a total cunt.