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Girlfriend no longer wants sex

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scrawdilly

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 8, 2015
Messages
3
My girlfriend went through some abusive relationships in the past (3-4 years ago) where she was forced (raped in her words) into sex with them along with mental and physical abuse. She never really developed a normal view on love making or anything like that and considered it to be "just fucking". Theres clearly an emotional blockage present as she doesn't really seem to be able to become intimate with me or open up fully. She likes to be dominated and told what to do and essentially "just fuck" and I'm obviously assuming this is because of her early sexual experiences with the abusive boyfriends.

Now we started dating a good 5 months ago and in the beginning things were great. We were going at it at least once a day for a good 6 weeks straight. Everything seemed fine at this point even if we wanted to slow it down to maybe 3-4 times a week.

But in the last few months we've had numerous fights because she seems totally uninterested in sex and has even told me that she's in control of it and we're only going to have sex a few times a month. She never initiates with me and when I try with her I constantly get denied and told that she's too tired and doesn't want it if she works early. We fight about it some more because it's something I need in a relationship and she claims I'm just like her past boyfriends getting pissed off because she won't open her legs. Meanwhile I couldn't care less about the "fucking" I just want to express my love with her and actually "make love" but she doesn't seem to have a grasp on the difference between "fucking" and "love making" and either or she has cut me off nearly completely.

Nothing is natural anymore as she has never initiated sex and I won't anymore since I resent getting denied every time I try to get her in the mood. I know she enjoys sex a lot and that's what hurts me the most. She's cheated on past boyfriends with other guys and even told me there was one guy who she though about more then the others because of how good he was in bed and all this crap..(I asked..I know..stupid).

I don't believe there's cheating going on since I keep an eye out for this crap and we live together and I know deep down she loves me more then any other guy shes been with but the physical connection just isn't there anymore. She used to inspire me so much because of how good things were in the beginning but now things are quite strained.

I can't help but think that it's me that's the problem. Like maybe she loves me as a boyfriend and provider (wants me to father her kids) but doesn't really care for my physical attributes (shes had plenty of bigger penises in her) so she just makes up excuses so she doesn't hurt my feelings...

I can't continue like this..I need that spark in my relationship. Is she testing me to see whether or not I'm just in it for the goods or is she just bored? Now she isn't happy with her life at the moment and she has gained a bit of weight in the last few months and it's really been bugging her so could that be it?

I have also noticed her respond to me when I let her know she can tell me anything and we talked about her previous abuse. I feel like her letting that out to me was a bit of a relief and I noticed the next morning she woke me up with a big smile and she seemed happy for once and she was hanging off me while walking in the mall and showing me physical attention which has been a rarity(something she hardly does).

Sorry for the long ramble..Anyone shine any light on this?
 
She claims that things were good in the beginning because she was so excited to be with me and then she got scared of the fact that she had me and now has the pressure of losing me and thats why we no longer have sex as often..she thinks I'll get bored of her I guess. Also claims that the past rape is the reason as well but then doesn't give me any reasons why it was fine in the beginning and now has gone to crap..I get a lot of excuses without any explanations..
 
She needs therapy dude. She has no fucking clue what she wants long term, only what she wants at the moment. I feel for the poor soul, but she really has no business being in a relationship until she learns how they work, and inability to compromise is one of the quickest ways to make a relationship toxic, as you are well experiencing.

Read what you wrote. All of it, twice or trice if you have to until you see that you already possess all the light you need to see this relationship for what it is.
 
She likes to be dominated - but doesn't allow you to dominate. And tells you in your face, you'll be lucky to have sex a few times a month? Eventually, that will turn into a few times a year. Yeah, she needs therapy and such. If she doesn't go for it, move on.
Not making love is a way to make someone bored with you.

5 years, still hitting it 2~5 times a weeks, depending on variables.
 
i dunno what to say.

how is this making you feel?

i would have a hard time coping with someone rejecting me constantly. sounds like she has a lot of baggage and isn't moving on from it. also the cheating on others is a concern.

depends on what you feel this relationship has left to offer you
 
Basically I told her I couldn't live without a decent sex life and she said she just needs some time to work through issues in her head before she can start enjoying sex again. She says she has a lot of flash back thoughts of things in her past and they ruin the moment for her. I said I'd wait because I really do love her but that my patience was being tested. Last couple of days have been good and we haven't fought and she hasn't necessarily rejected me although she initiated sex for the first time in forever because she ended up drinking too much and puking/passing out when we partied a lil too hard two nights ago.

So we had sex in the morning after essentially binge drinking and she wakes me up to rubbing my crotch..I swear she picks the worst times. So we had some pretty sub-par sex since I was hungover as all hell and really not into it at all. This is what worries me..these sub-par performances when I'm trying to get her back into sex. I can't really get to know her body and how we click unless we have enough practice but since we only have sex once or twice a month lately I can't get used to anything and when we finally have sex it's a major let down and she probably gets even less interested. I'm screwed and I know it. I just don't want to leave her cuz I really do care and I've already put a lot into this relationship. I guess this is more of an update rather then asking for advice. Thanks guys.
 
No problem, bro.

But SHE can spend years, decades trying to work this shit out in her head. She's in a feedback loop. What is she, about 25 or so? A women I dated back in 2000 had been raped about age 13, never ever told her parents about it. She was self abusive, became a super slut, did a lot of drugs. I tried to help her the way YOU are trying to help that woman. This ex-GF of mine tended to have abusive BFs before and after me. She got a lot of physical and mental abuse her adult life. I remained friends with her long after we broke up. I still helped her when I could. I was there when she finally told her parents about the rape, when she's about 40yrs old. They never knew. They could have helped her if she told them. She ruined her own life because she'd still have nightmares and cry about the rape, not so much the abuse in her adult years.

She did get better, she got off of drugs. Her life was getting better. But she got sick and died about 6 months after finally telling them about the rape. The years of injures and drug abuse left her body in a weakened state that she was unable to recover from. We had expected her to die of drugs on the street. But its better that she made it back home, got better and died being loved and with family.

Your girlfriend will follow a similar path, most likely with far less sex - but who knows where her demons will take her? She is beyond your help, other than supporting HER to get professional help.
You want her? You want to save her? Does she want to get better? Then make her get the help she needs. Hell, make the call your self to the rape hotline, talk to a volunteer about what is going on, how they can help?

Here is the website: http://rapecrisis.com

Call them now. See what they can do to help. Otherwise, she will likely be exactly the same today as she will be 5, 10, 15 years from now.
 
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