Girlfriend does not want sex

[tstan]

Hello, first time user. I actually came across this site searching for answers to my current dilemma. Hopefully I can get more specific help here.

Okay, I met my girlfriend at work. She is a year older than i am and a recent college graduate. Things started off great for the first year of our relationship. She was practically all over me at first (a rarity now). We have been together for 3 years now. At around a year and 6 months into the relationship, we had sex for the first time. It lasted all of about 5 minutes because she made me stop, and she freaked out for a month after that until her period came. It has basically been the same story on repeat anytime we have had sex since then. She thinks she is pregnant every time, and even when her period comes she doesnt feel better.
I decided that we would take a break on sex, and supplement it with foreplay until she was ready. She agreed, and it seemed to go well, until it came to her performing the foreplay. She would roll her eyes and make a "ugh" sound when it came to oral sex, and would say things like "hurry up" alot. I dont know about you, but that doesnt seem very loving to me, especially when I was taking my time and trying to be loving everytime I was intimate with her in our foreplay.

So, going off of advice I found online (most on here), I decided to "confront" her about our lack of a sex life and her paranoia. She has no definate answer, and states that she simply is not ready. Her solution is to not have any intimate sexual activity for 6 months until she can do some "research" on the subject. I know that she is afraid she will become pregnant before she has a stable career. We use protection everytime, condoms, spermicidical lubricant, etc. But she still doesnt trust it. I have asked her if she wants to try birth control pills instead, and she does not want to at all.

Let me just say, I have seen alot of posts where guys are told to dump their girls over stuff like this. The only thing is, I truly am in love with her, and want to fix this situation. I do not know what to do. I feel like I am not good enough for her, maybe she is no longer attracted to me, maybe I am a horrible lover, maybe she is into someone else, etc. I feel rejected, unattractive, and my self esteem is pretty much shot.

Thank you for taking the time to read and give advice, I truly appreciate it.

T.

 

[neoblazing]

Sounds to me that there is underlying issues and I would suggest to her in her research you guys go have a chat with family planning and just get a professional to reassure her so she can relax and enjoy the connection, my ex and first lover and I went through something similar and she ended up admitting she had be raped when she was a child and it still (even now makes her hesitate, we are still good friends). I am not saying this is what the issue is but she may find it helpful to go see a councilor and get help coping with it because some people find it a bigger leap then others. I wish you the best of luck and have patients and be kind to her on the issue (firm but kind) if you truly love her and its meant to be you will make it work just takes time.

Neoblazing

 

[Clitnhawk]

It doesn't take 6 months to do research, is she inventing a new form of birth control? Millions of pregnancies are avoided each year because of condoms, pill and more.
If you do the birth control pill wrong, as it must be done about the same time EVERYDAY and can become much less effective when it interacts with other medications such as antibiotics. Consider an IUD and use the condom.

You could also offer the old-fashion style of birth control, anal sex.

I agree with Neoblazing, she's got something more going on or very very paranoid.
How can she be all over you, when you didn't have sex together until you were dating for first year in a half? I know how that "LOVE" feels when you are young, but it only gets you so far. I give you points for sticking with this girl, but unless she make an effort enjoy sex, gets her issues resolved - you could be played all this time. People do some pretty strange things.

For whatever odd or good reason, she doesn't want sex from anyone. Nice guy Tstan shows up. Is willing to stick around after 5 dates of not getting to home base. String him along for all its worth. Give him a little bit here and there to keep him interested - the old carrot and the donkey trick. Bet if you talk about leaving her and moving on, she'll be sucking your dick before you can walk out the door. Yeah, if its just the pregnancy thing - there could be lots of loving oral, but you're not getting that in either direction.

So lets say you go to her apartment with nobody else home, talk to her about sex therapy in which YOU BOTH attend and she is negative about it. Then say "I think its time for me to move on. I love you with all my heart, but this pain isn't worth it anymore". Leave. Bet she'll stop you and quickly offers to give you a blowjob. Take the offer. Even try for intercourse.

After its done. Kiss her good bye with a strong hug.

When you Leave, never come back.

Why? She has been using sex as a tool against you for 3 years. If you get the BJ or more, you'll be begging for more and she'll shut you down again. She was willing to suck you off to keep you, but not get therapy = no relationship.
Hell, for all you know - she's dating a woman and is keeping you around for appearances. "I have a boyfriend" to people at work and her family.

 

[LearntYoung]

When I read this, the first thing that pops in my mind is that you're puttig a lot of love and effort into something you're really bad at, but she's afraid to hurt your feelings and confidence if she's honest about this. Of course this is a wild guess, I have no way of knowing what it's like to her, but neither do you. You could try to bring this up in a way that she feels comfortable with being open if this actually is the case.

What's obvious, is that she doesn't feel comfortable with sexual interactions whatsoever. There could of course be a lot of causes for that, like the children thing you mentioned, but if that was all, you'd not run into trouble with manual and oral stimulation. If the first mentioned guess was incorrect, you could maybe consider some form of counceling or another form of therapy where you'll be guided to opening up and discovering what causes the distress.

 

[tstan]

Hey everyone, thank you for taking the time to give me your advice, I really appreciate it.

Neoblazing: I think you may be on to something. She was the victim of sexual abuse from one of her many uncles that she still encounters from time to time. I do not press her for too many details, because I know that it is a difficult subject to repeat, so I do not know the extent of the abuse. I have asked her to go to counseling, because I feel that this abuse has led to many issues she had in the past i.e, eating disorders and low self esteem. However, she refuses. I can only speculate on the reasons why: 1) she is from a mexican family that is very, very religious and old fashioned. Her family believes that if there are issues, they need to be settled within the family only. 2) she is a Human Services major, and I believe she chose this field as a way of exploring for herself the reasons she acts a certain way. Thank you for the kind words, I appreciate it.

Clitnhawk: we actually started off with anal sex, and it wasn't a bad experience at all. She wanted to stop once we tried vaginal sex, however, when she started to get her panic attacks over being pregnant, I offered to go back to anal, after which she said that she didnt enjoy it; prior to all this, she stated she loved it. Also, I will elaborate on what I meant by all over me when we first started dating. When we first got together, she would find any reason to sneak off and make out or do some heavy petting. She would initiate the intimacy alot, and would even practically pin me down. Now, she doesnt initiate at all, rolls her eyes and says ugh whenever it is her turn to perform any sexual act on me after I finish with doing the same for her, and gives small pecks instead of full blown makeout sessions. She still holds my hand and so forth, but everything else has become a rarity at this point. It is funny that you mention a possible interest in women on her part, because there have been times that I have gotten the feeling she is bisexual. She has had multiple dreams of her having sexual intercourse with female co workers, or saying she had a dream we had a threesome. She often points out attractive women and will say how sexy they are or point out attractive body features. However, now that I list these "hints", it doesnt seem too awkward. Thanks for the advice as well, I will keep it in mind. I am considering using this forum as a journal of sorts with updates within different posts, so please feel free to contribute any more advice, I would appreciate it.

LearntYoung: While I have considered it, I doubt it. I hate to toot my own horn, but I have never had anyone complain, and she has no problem with me going down on her, or any other sort of foreplay. In fact, she makes me keep going and going, and orgasms every single time. The issue is she doesnt want to ever "return the favor" (I hate that term", and she very rarely initiates this activity. Whenever we do now, its always me that initiates, and most of the time I am denied because she isnt in the mood. I have tried to bring it up to her, but I cannot find the right words, and she gets very defensive when I do. She has this tendency to shut down, and become silent, and it is hard to get her to communicate and get out of that shut down mode. I am currently looking at couples therapy, and am also trying to rehearse a way to offer going with her to this in a way that she will not take negatively, which is how she has reacted in the past. Thank you for your insight, I truly appreciate it.


Thank you guys, and I hope I can get more advice on here. To be honest, recieving some advice takes weight off of my shoulders, because before, my mind was all jumbled up and scrambled with thoughts that I could not combine. Now, I can brainstorm everything more clearly. Hope that makes sense. I appreciate it very much everyone.

T.

 

[Clitnhawk]

No problem. "Return the favor" phrase is generally only used when someone ISN'T returning the favor. Please keep in mind, you started our with pregnancy paranoia and now moved to past sexual abuse.

Hmmm it DOESN'T look like her family is taking care of the issue, does it? Are any of them professional therapist? She'll NEVER EVER get help unless she gets help. Even if she told everyone in her family that her Uncle raped her, and likely other little girls - think they will do much about it? This is typical "keep it in the family" bullshit. pray away the pain - duggars style.

She isn't truthful, she lied about liking anal... she should perhaps go to women. She'll get the oral and vag play without the worry of getting pregnant! Oh, but wait - she's in a Mexican family that would most likely reject her for having sex with women, so she's fuck both ways sideways without lube. Support her having sex with women, maybe it will help - up to a point. Maybe she is telling you this to feel you out. Having you around seems to be for other reasons as I stated above.

You can also tell/offer her. "I'll go have sex and date other women. You and I can be "a couple" to your family while you date and have sex with women. We share the bills in the apartment."

If nothing is done to change the situation, in which SHE enjoys have sex with you or any man. You can be with her for another 3 or 6 years and it WON'T get better.