Getting Clean Again - H

[Ketamania]

I fell into the rabbit hole again.

I was 97 days clean, almost 100. The pressure was too much and I relapsed. Thinking I would only use for a day turned into a weekend, and turned into weeks.

A month has passed in a blink of an eye and I have made the decision today to quit again and hopefully for good.

I cannot risk my career, my future, for the guilty pleasure of feeling good. Actually who am I kidding? It is more than just feeling good. It solves all my problems, it has kept me from suicide.

I have done AA, and it helps a little bit but I still relapsed. I tried Suboxone and that kept me clean for the longest time, about five months, but then I could not get a refill and I relapsed a month later.

I want to get on Suboxone or methadone again because I think I have the best chance of recovery with it but my GP does not believe in it. In addition, due to the type of job I have I cannot be on Suboxone or methadone or many other sedating drugs.

I’m fucked.

I do not want my life to end up in jail or dead. Hell, I must have a serious Guardian angel because I have overdosed four times and lived. Lost about 80% of my hearing for several months it was terrifying.

Yet, this drug has its claws in deep and drags me back to the abyss.

I feel hopeless, I feel like I will turn out to nothing. I really don’t get how this could’ve happened to me, I was a very well achieving young adult on the way to a prestigious job and then everything got fucked up.

However, what has fucked me up the most is what people have said about me. They have said that I will just turn out just like my other family members and that I remind them of them.

My worst fear is ending up like them. I want to change the cycle and show everybody who doubted me, but I feel like I am at a wits end.

Is it too late to change my course? I wish I had never tried heroin.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

They have said that I will just turn out just like my other family members

Damn phone made the fillowing a quote or somethig idk. Weird.

They are just trying to make themselves feel better about their rotting existence. My own moms used to say that I would never amount to anything and will be just like my alcoholic dad. However it turns out that she was jailed a few times, used drugs and lately the FBI was onto her for keeping books for the bigest irish gangster in sc. lol She even stole from him and may have provided info on his "criminal" activities. IDC either way as we all get whats coming to us and list love for her decades ago because of her hypocrisy.

She may have been right that I would not accomplish anything but I broke free of becoming her or my pops. This is saying alot imo.

Is it too late to change my course?

No.
We adapt when and if we need to I think. Wanting to change may not be enough but if there is a need to we are far more likely to make changes in our lives. This is just my thoughts on this as my whole life has been rearranging and adapting to what life throws at me. IME life is never static as much as it may appear to be sometimes.
Any incentives to stop using H? What would be the most rewarding incentive(s)?

 

[Jabberwocky]

it is NOT too late to change your course.

its only too late when you're dead.

relapse is a normal part of the process sadly, but it sounds like you have plenty of recovery capital to motivate you away from this course.

what was the trigger for your relapse? can you identify any areas of your life that contributed? what recovery activities were you doing?

i did NA, i actually wanna get back into it. but there's loads of other groups you can try, SMART, refuge recovery, i do courses at my local buddhist centre and still see a therapist even though i've been back into employment for nearly 3 years now. i still take my recovery activities seriously cos i know i'll slide backwards without them.

i totally understand how demoralising heroin addiction is, but you've already shown that you can get a decent stretch clean. you can break the cycle.

 

[G_Chem]

I think you should do whatever it takes to get on maintenance. Fuck your job you can find another, fuck your GP you can find another. Neither of these things is worth dying over. You are the prime candidate for maintenance, you’ve had 4 near fatal OD’s of which one nearly lost your hearing. Please for your own sake get back on. I’d probably be dead by now too if it weren’t for Subs.

-GC

 

[Jabberwocky]

I think you should do whatever it takes to get on maintenance. Fuck your job you can find another, fuck your GP you can find another. Neither of these things is worth dying over. You are the prime candidate for maintenance, you’ve had 4 near fatal OD’s of which one nearly lost your hearing. Please for your own sake get back on. I’d probably be dead by now too if it weren’t for Subs.

-GC

completely agree!!

also, if you keep using, job might not work out anyway. proritise your health.