Sublime_sunshine
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Feb 28, 2017
- Messages
- 1
Okay, so I'm not really sure how this works... Also I'm pretty high right now so that might be a contributing factor to that confusion. Like do I just type you guys a novel-long kind of question and await an answer? Like an unspoken agreement? Like a prayer to a God (you guys, right? you all knowing sons of bitches) that actually gets answered?
Alright, I'm gonna stop myself right here cause if I don't I'll type out everything that runs through my mind and this is not what I'm on here for. I probably bored you away already, I do apologize. Back to the premise of this all.
So around 1:50 pm today I was in a situation where I had the opportunity to take some molly and I had never done it but always wanted to, and to be honest, yeah, I probably should have been more cautious about the way I went about doing it and researched beforehand, but I just did. It was in the moment. And I honestly didn't even think it would affect me. So what I took was some powder, the amount was about the size of a quarter in the palm of my hand. I just licked it off my hand and my fiancée and I went on our way. 5 minutes later I start feeling a little bit more energized, kind of like I drank an energy drink that actually works and I thought, "this is nice, gives me energy, I feel clear minded... but I don't see what everyone keeps hyping up" then around 10 minutes after that so much more energy hit me. I felt deeply carefree and happy, like I could process what was going on around me normally, but I took more of an active participation in it. I was talking way more than I normally do AND EVEN FEELING COMFORTABLE DOING SO. It was this feeling that came with the realization that I was talking too much and running around and knowing I wouldn't normally be like this, but just looking at someone and not even assuming they were judging me or kind of looking down on me, I guess. Not sure how to explain it. Maybe I felt like I fit into the mold, more? Or that I had a better energy and it was appreciated? Idk, it was just nice to not constantly focus on trying to figure out what someone is thinking of me while I'm talking to them or am around them. Of course, there was some instances where I felt a little bit judged by my fiancée but that was just her worrying about me and wanting to make sure I was okay (she hadn't done it yet because we were at work and she didn't wanna be fucked up) also the fact that she was sober and seeing me act so happy and outgoing when I'm usually a very sad, and -in my head- type of person. So for me to be bouncing off the walls just kind of took her by surprise so she didn't know if it was good or bad, she didn't know how to react. I should also mention at this time, around 30 minutes of the hour we were at work I felt nauseous but it passed when I sat in the car and drank some cold water.
We got home around 3:30, our neighbor came over at 4 and we matched and smoked about half a blunt. I took maybe 4-6 hits. After a little I started getting really giggly as I do a lot of the time when I'm stoned and it felt good. I was being silly, we were all just sitting in the living room talking about my neighbors experiences with different drugs and laughing about it. She left after a little and my fiancée, our friend, and I left to go to the mall at 5. I still felt okay, started feeling a little sillier, like I got really emotional about how cute my cats were and kind of yelled at my friend to take pictures and was screaming about how cute they were without really realizing I was screaming.
Then we left and I don't remember at what point in the car ride I started tripping, but I felt like I couldn't stop talking. Everything we talked about somehow ended up becoming these big stories and mysteries that I had to explain and solve, and my fiancée says I was being really mean to her. Like interrupting her because I was so hellbent on getting MY point across, and what's weird about this is that I felt like she was doing the same to me at the time, but looking back right now, I feel like I was the one being rude towards her and she was just trying to explain herself calmly and rationally. So I feel a little bit like a piece of shit for that. But anyway, it only kept progressing into that same kind of feeling but just slightly more vicious. I now kept feeling really judged by her and my friend and then I would forget that feeling, feel a sudden burst of happiness, and then feel judged again by them and feel that happiness die out. This was an endless cycle that kept happening within my mind the whole 2 hours we were there. I don't really know if I'm even explaining this in a way that's understandable but I kept trying to make excuses or like figure out what was going on with me. This is where all the explaining I was doing kicked into high gear. I kept thinking about how I was acting and trying to put reasons behind why I was feeling and thinking the way I was. WHICH SOME OF MY THEORIES HONESTLY SEEMED MIND BLOWING AT THE TIME. ALSO NOW THAT I TYPED THAT IN CAPS LOCK AND REALIZED HOW EXCITED I JUST WAS I REALIZED ANOTHER REALIZIATION AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS, that every single way and idea that I was throwing at my companions all boiled down to the very same or very similar point. So I put two hours worth of effort of shuffling back and forth in my mind only to come to the conclusion that I was trying to explain my sad, I think... like I said, it was up and down. I'd feel moments of happiness followed by "judgement" and sadness. And in my sadness, I'd get pissed off that I was sad so I started trying to explain it to them or to myself so it would make a little bit of sense. And maybe so it would give me a little relief, like if I knew why I was acting this way I was proving something but I'm not even sure what that something was. Maybe that I understood myself. Maybe that's what I was trying to prove. And that I wanted them to understand me too. When I say I was HELLBENT on explaining this, I am not exaggerating. So of course, all of this was just making me think this is how I feel all the time... only amplified. And that makes sense to a certain extent, because yes, a lot of the aspects of the way I was acting seemed to reflect a lot on my depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder... But those bursts of happiness and the nonstop talking I just thought reflected back on the molly. So of all the ways I was trying to explain my point, one of them had to do with the two drugs clashing. I thought maybe they were like fighting over what I felt which sounds stupid as I write it, but I'm too tired of typing to think of some other way to say it... so yeah. I started coming down I think, and listen, whoever, if anyone is reading, I don't know if it had to do with the mj wearing off, or my come down, or a combination of both, but it was such a weird way to feel. At first, it started off slowly and then gradually, like I'd have more moments where I was acting normal and not talking, just watching. Then I'd have a little slip up and start talking again for a while and not realize it, then I realized it and felt like shit. Cycle again. Until finally, I think I was back to functional. I was finally able to control my talking, talk at a lower tone, and defend myself in the form of assuring my fiancée that I was okay. Before when she kept asking me if I was and trying to take care of me, I kept getting aggravated with her and feeling like she was mad/annoyed with me so I'd either 1) try to explain to her how I felt in an angry way where I kept accusing her of interrupting me or 2) try to explain how I felt by being self-depricating (ex. "I probably feel this way cause of all the fucked up shit I have going on in my head blah blah blah poor me I feel like this all the time this just makes me show it more or want to be open about it")
And I guess either way made sense to me at the time. At this point though, I felt kind of really fucking sad. Like shit. Like blue for no fucking reason. It was a pretty good day so why did I feel so off now? The words I'd give this feeling are the following: a collision between a deep sense of misplacement and a hollowed out sadness. This feeling lasted til now honestly, it's just gotten less and less extreme. I'm just feeling a little off right now, not too bad, like I a tiny part of me doesn't care about anything right now but that's not weird to me because I know that feeling well even sober. When I think about it, this is how I feel ALL THE TIME... Weird.
So my fiancée and I got home around 9, stayed away til 11:30-12 and then tried napping (cause we had to be back at Dunkin' Donuts to bake at 2 am) I fell asleep but I don't know for how long. Probably less than an hour. I woke up and was still feeling tingles from the molly I'm assuming cause my head was for sure not experiencing a high, but then smoked around 3 am and it felt like a pretty good high, and it's now currently 5:56 and I'm still feeling good. Just thankful I'm not acting the way I was earlier. Anyway, what id really like to know is if the way I was feeling had something to do with the combination of both drugs or the environment I was in (a mall packed full of people), or my fiancée and friend not being on my level and feeling judged by them, bringing me down. What do you guys think? Because when I smoke, I feel good. I've been smoking a lot the past 6 months, I've finally gotten to the point where I feel comfortable when I'm high and I don't mind working or feel uncomfortable or judged. I just feel calm and relaxed. And when I took the m, before I smoked, it felt great. I felt happy, light, carefree, silly. Easy going. Then I smoked, and the feeling completely changed a little later. Soooo was it the comedown? The combination? The upper clashing with the downer? My history of depression, mild OCD, etc?
Sorry for the novel. It was worse for me than it was for you. My thumbs feel detached from my hands, my poor fingers. (If only I could write this endlessly when it came to actual stories or poems or shit)
Okay, I will be going now. Sorry if this was weird or not your average post. Hope I get even one answer!
Alright, I'm gonna stop myself right here cause if I don't I'll type out everything that runs through my mind and this is not what I'm on here for. I probably bored you away already, I do apologize. Back to the premise of this all.
So around 1:50 pm today I was in a situation where I had the opportunity to take some molly and I had never done it but always wanted to, and to be honest, yeah, I probably should have been more cautious about the way I went about doing it and researched beforehand, but I just did. It was in the moment. And I honestly didn't even think it would affect me. So what I took was some powder, the amount was about the size of a quarter in the palm of my hand. I just licked it off my hand and my fiancée and I went on our way. 5 minutes later I start feeling a little bit more energized, kind of like I drank an energy drink that actually works and I thought, "this is nice, gives me energy, I feel clear minded... but I don't see what everyone keeps hyping up" then around 10 minutes after that so much more energy hit me. I felt deeply carefree and happy, like I could process what was going on around me normally, but I took more of an active participation in it. I was talking way more than I normally do AND EVEN FEELING COMFORTABLE DOING SO. It was this feeling that came with the realization that I was talking too much and running around and knowing I wouldn't normally be like this, but just looking at someone and not even assuming they were judging me or kind of looking down on me, I guess. Not sure how to explain it. Maybe I felt like I fit into the mold, more? Or that I had a better energy and it was appreciated? Idk, it was just nice to not constantly focus on trying to figure out what someone is thinking of me while I'm talking to them or am around them. Of course, there was some instances where I felt a little bit judged by my fiancée but that was just her worrying about me and wanting to make sure I was okay (she hadn't done it yet because we were at work and she didn't wanna be fucked up) also the fact that she was sober and seeing me act so happy and outgoing when I'm usually a very sad, and -in my head- type of person. So for me to be bouncing off the walls just kind of took her by surprise so she didn't know if it was good or bad, she didn't know how to react. I should also mention at this time, around 30 minutes of the hour we were at work I felt nauseous but it passed when I sat in the car and drank some cold water.
We got home around 3:30, our neighbor came over at 4 and we matched and smoked about half a blunt. I took maybe 4-6 hits. After a little I started getting really giggly as I do a lot of the time when I'm stoned and it felt good. I was being silly, we were all just sitting in the living room talking about my neighbors experiences with different drugs and laughing about it. She left after a little and my fiancée, our friend, and I left to go to the mall at 5. I still felt okay, started feeling a little sillier, like I got really emotional about how cute my cats were and kind of yelled at my friend to take pictures and was screaming about how cute they were without really realizing I was screaming.
Then we left and I don't remember at what point in the car ride I started tripping, but I felt like I couldn't stop talking. Everything we talked about somehow ended up becoming these big stories and mysteries that I had to explain and solve, and my fiancée says I was being really mean to her. Like interrupting her because I was so hellbent on getting MY point across, and what's weird about this is that I felt like she was doing the same to me at the time, but looking back right now, I feel like I was the one being rude towards her and she was just trying to explain herself calmly and rationally. So I feel a little bit like a piece of shit for that. But anyway, it only kept progressing into that same kind of feeling but just slightly more vicious. I now kept feeling really judged by her and my friend and then I would forget that feeling, feel a sudden burst of happiness, and then feel judged again by them and feel that happiness die out. This was an endless cycle that kept happening within my mind the whole 2 hours we were there. I don't really know if I'm even explaining this in a way that's understandable but I kept trying to make excuses or like figure out what was going on with me. This is where all the explaining I was doing kicked into high gear. I kept thinking about how I was acting and trying to put reasons behind why I was feeling and thinking the way I was. WHICH SOME OF MY THEORIES HONESTLY SEEMED MIND BLOWING AT THE TIME. ALSO NOW THAT I TYPED THAT IN CAPS LOCK AND REALIZED HOW EXCITED I JUST WAS I REALIZED ANOTHER REALIZIATION AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS, that every single way and idea that I was throwing at my companions all boiled down to the very same or very similar point. So I put two hours worth of effort of shuffling back and forth in my mind only to come to the conclusion that I was trying to explain my sad, I think... like I said, it was up and down. I'd feel moments of happiness followed by "judgement" and sadness. And in my sadness, I'd get pissed off that I was sad so I started trying to explain it to them or to myself so it would make a little bit of sense. And maybe so it would give me a little relief, like if I knew why I was acting this way I was proving something but I'm not even sure what that something was. Maybe that I understood myself. Maybe that's what I was trying to prove. And that I wanted them to understand me too. When I say I was HELLBENT on explaining this, I am not exaggerating. So of course, all of this was just making me think this is how I feel all the time... only amplified. And that makes sense to a certain extent, because yes, a lot of the aspects of the way I was acting seemed to reflect a lot on my depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder... But those bursts of happiness and the nonstop talking I just thought reflected back on the molly. So of all the ways I was trying to explain my point, one of them had to do with the two drugs clashing. I thought maybe they were like fighting over what I felt which sounds stupid as I write it, but I'm too tired of typing to think of some other way to say it... so yeah. I started coming down I think, and listen, whoever, if anyone is reading, I don't know if it had to do with the mj wearing off, or my come down, or a combination of both, but it was such a weird way to feel. At first, it started off slowly and then gradually, like I'd have more moments where I was acting normal and not talking, just watching. Then I'd have a little slip up and start talking again for a while and not realize it, then I realized it and felt like shit. Cycle again. Until finally, I think I was back to functional. I was finally able to control my talking, talk at a lower tone, and defend myself in the form of assuring my fiancée that I was okay. Before when she kept asking me if I was and trying to take care of me, I kept getting aggravated with her and feeling like she was mad/annoyed with me so I'd either 1) try to explain to her how I felt in an angry way where I kept accusing her of interrupting me or 2) try to explain how I felt by being self-depricating (ex. "I probably feel this way cause of all the fucked up shit I have going on in my head blah blah blah poor me I feel like this all the time this just makes me show it more or want to be open about it")
And I guess either way made sense to me at the time. At this point though, I felt kind of really fucking sad. Like shit. Like blue for no fucking reason. It was a pretty good day so why did I feel so off now? The words I'd give this feeling are the following: a collision between a deep sense of misplacement and a hollowed out sadness. This feeling lasted til now honestly, it's just gotten less and less extreme. I'm just feeling a little off right now, not too bad, like I a tiny part of me doesn't care about anything right now but that's not weird to me because I know that feeling well even sober. When I think about it, this is how I feel ALL THE TIME... Weird.
So my fiancée and I got home around 9, stayed away til 11:30-12 and then tried napping (cause we had to be back at Dunkin' Donuts to bake at 2 am) I fell asleep but I don't know for how long. Probably less than an hour. I woke up and was still feeling tingles from the molly I'm assuming cause my head was for sure not experiencing a high, but then smoked around 3 am and it felt like a pretty good high, and it's now currently 5:56 and I'm still feeling good. Just thankful I'm not acting the way I was earlier. Anyway, what id really like to know is if the way I was feeling had something to do with the combination of both drugs or the environment I was in (a mall packed full of people), or my fiancée and friend not being on my level and feeling judged by them, bringing me down. What do you guys think? Because when I smoke, I feel good. I've been smoking a lot the past 6 months, I've finally gotten to the point where I feel comfortable when I'm high and I don't mind working or feel uncomfortable or judged. I just feel calm and relaxed. And when I took the m, before I smoked, it felt great. I felt happy, light, carefree, silly. Easy going. Then I smoked, and the feeling completely changed a little later. Soooo was it the comedown? The combination? The upper clashing with the downer? My history of depression, mild OCD, etc?
Sorry for the novel. It was worse for me than it was for you. My thumbs feel detached from my hands, my poor fingers. (If only I could write this endlessly when it came to actual stories or poems or shit)
Okay, I will be going now. Sorry if this was weird or not your average post. Hope I get even one answer!
Last edited:
