Fiancé's jealous sister trying to ruin our relationship: PLEASE HELP!

[Pagey]

Hey guys - haven't been on this forum in ages! It's nice.

[warning: very long post but worth reading if only for pure entertainment]

Soooo as anyone who's been around here long enough knows, I've been engaged to a fellow bluelight (mrcientist) for over a year now and we're getting married this July

Everything between us is pure perfection and we couldn't be happier. But there's a rather erm, hefty issue in the (lucky for me) form of my fiancé's family.
You'd fall asleep before I'd even explained half of it but here's the gist:
My fiancé's younger sister, who's around my age, is putting her best efforts in (which, considering how pathetic and stupid she is, aren't doing much) to break us up. She actually sent me a text saying she 'couldn't wait until mrcientist realised how much of a fucked up psycho I was and dumped me'.

That was said after I opened up my biggest secret and shame to my fiancé's family - having been kidnapped and gang raped a few years ago. Her reaction? Tell me I was pathetic, that she'd been through 'way worse' (I asked her if she'd ever been raped and she said no) and that the way I'd dealt with it was stupid and disrespectful to others (?!). After that, trying to rise above the situation, I let it go for the sake of the family dynamic.
So before reading this next bit, just keep in mind that I let incredibly offensive, fucked up and traumatic comments about my rape go. (Oh also, she contacted some of my friends that she didn't know and tried to convince them that I was exaggerating the whole thing as a cry for attention).

Fast forward a couple weeks to one lovely evening where she - having no mental illness aside for vague anxiety disoder [I'm not belittling anxiety disorders by any means, having a pretty bad one myself] suddenly decided that her boyfriend wasn't giving her the attention she 'deserved', knocked him down to the floor, kicked him in the balls for quite a while, punched him, slapped him, etc. Oh, and all this before insulting her autistic bother as well as my fiancé for being a 'drug addict' (note: about 6 months clean at that time). 2 minutes later she was crying for my fiancé to come and see her because he was the only one who 'understood her' - despite being a scummy drug addict, you know

Couple weeks later, they were back together (think you're getting a gist of how fucked up they both are by now) and I sent her boyfriend a message telling him that having been in an abusive relationship myself, I know how hard it is to get out but now that it'd become physically abusive as well he just needed to run as far away as he could from her. About 30 seconds later I get a message from my fiancé's sister (we'll call her cuntface) hurling abuse at me, and telling me to keep my nose out of their business.
Now, I'm pretty sure you'll all agree: physical assault or abuse is EVERYONE's business, regardless of the sex of the victim. Would you walk by a grl getting beaten up in the street by a guy? Didn't think so. It's everyone's business.

So then cuntface spent a whole day sending me the most insulting texts she could think of - until I finally told her that in the end, I'd just gotten a really easy offer for an MA at UCL the day she got into a polytechnic. I know how braggy that was but no one insults my fiancé like that and gets away with it.

After that we didn't speak for weeks, silent treatment etc. Until tonight:her boyfriend (we'll call him 'dickhead pretending to have a brain') sent me (through two different people cuz he didn't have the balls to say it to my face) a long message which was a mishmash of insults and nonsense - which is quite funny because he said I couldn't spell when the only texts I've ever sent him have been quite benzoed

Last night, my fiancé really bravely poured his heart out to his sister and told her how much it hurt him how she'd been treating both him and me (considering he's been an INCREDIBLE brother to her her whole life) and her reply ignored all of that completely and just focused on insulting me.
I might also add that she's not coming to our wedding. Personally I don't give a fuck if she doesn't want to be there for me, but what kind of dickhead doesn't go to her brother's wedding just because she doesn't get along with his bride, even though may I add, I've apologised profusely to her, even about things that I shouldn't have been apologising for just to get her to go to her brother's wedding.

And now tonight, she finally agreed for the four of us to talk on the phone. Naively I actually thought this would go well...yeah. She kept saying that my interference about the abuse in their relationship (WHICH I APOLOGISED FOR) was sooo much worse than her deriding my gang rape (WHICH SHE ABSOLUTELY DID NOT APOLOGISE FOR)
Both my fiancé and I have spoken to his dad since and because he's not a complete retard, things are okay with him. Not so sure about his mother though. All in all, a lovely day!

So, SLR folks: we really, really need your help in figuring out how the fuck to deal with this situation. Please don't just tell us to let it go because it's a hell of a lot bigger than that.
Any advice would be so appreciated.


Pagey & mrcientist

 

[tomdpimp]

My brother in law has been a mess for years. He's even attacked me twice. We just don't go around him much, anymore, mostly because his crack whore granny he fucks (seriously she's a grandmother) hates me.

Sounds like to me she is the young child that was spoiled and realizes that you joining the family will cut into her dominance.

Is she in the wedding? I'd say you both need to just limit your contact with her. It might be hard for him, but she's got to wake up.

Has she dabbled in drugs? Maybe you all could have a group Roll?

 

[llama112]

Wow. What a crazy person.

Some people are just like psychopaths or chronological lyers. I have yet to figure out how to solve those problems. Being nice doesn't help, being mean doesn't help, avoiding them seems to decrease the problem but never makes it go away.

I would probably just avoid all contact with her. But there are situations where you may need to be around her. I dunno, silent treatment, that's not exactly "mature" but considering all the craziness she is likely to say/do, silent treatment and just basic interactions seems like the only way to go.

And if she doesn't go to your wedding, good! You don't need her there! It would just make it way too stressful.

I've definitely never been in an exact situation but I've known some crazy people but luckily been able to to stay away from them ... your fiance's sister ... hard to avoid completely.

Also, although the sister and her boyfriend have an abusive relationship - you have offered to help once. They know you're there. They will come to you. I would say the same thing if it was a guy hurting a female. It's terrible but sometimes you really just have to wait and be there for that person. And also, because the boyfriend was a jerk to you, like obviously you don't want him to be hurt, but it's hard to help someone when they treat you like that.

I'd also probably try to figure out WHY. Why is it she doesn't like you? What she really close with your fiance's ex or something like that? Is she just overprotective of your fiance? Does she not like the idea of your fiance having a female who is "more important" in his life than she was?
I know you shouldn't really "have to" because she's the crazy one but if you really want to figure it out.... it may help. And you may find something in there that changes your approach to her or something.

I don't think I helped much but I really hope this gets resolved!

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

She sounds pretty crazy, vindictive, and mean. Stay away from her and don't have contact with her.

I know people who have in-laws, or relatives who are this way and they don't have contact with them, or just have bare minimal contact with them.

Don't invite her to your wedding at all.

 

[socko]

It's either you or the sister-in-law - your fiancé will have to choose one of you. The sister might be family, but she sounds like pure EVIL. Probably the only way to handle this is for both you and your fiancé to cut off all contact with that sister for the rest of her life. That will mean avoiding the rest of his family at times until she's dead or in jail. It's a bad but probably the only solution to an awful situation.

I'm serious. My gf has some family members ( half-sisters and half-brothers) who act like that, and because they are so horrible (the kind of people you see on Jerry Springer or read about in the paper in the section about local crime) I've had to explain to her that I will leave her if I ever see any of them.

Right now, it sounds like all you can do is cut your losses. The sister knows where you will be going to school. She knows your name and probably how to contact your family. She sounds like the kind of person who will, as soon as she thinks to do it, try to destroy your future.

 

[LuGoJ]

I honestly wouldn't attempt this without a professional in the room. You need a third party that has absolutely no emotional involvement, at all, to mediate this. I would advise not interacting with her at all until she gets professional help at the very least. In fact, I would go so far as to say this whole thing is probably doomed to failure without some serious professional intervention either for her or some sort of group therapy situation. What on earth gives you the idea that her only mental illness is simply some anxiety? She sounds like a straight up nut job, like, complete fucking wackadoo.

Just curious, why did the whole gang rape thing come up with their family and why on earth was that a discussion with them in the first place? That just seems like an extremely personal and heavy topic to discuss with people that aren't even related to you, especially when you aren't even married yet. My wife read this thread and said she couldn't fathom sharing something like that with anyone except me or her actual parents.

Why are you getting involved in her boyfriends relationship? Tell your fiance to either talk to his sister or talk to her fiance man to man. It just looks fishy that you are txting him and getting involved.

Also, tell your boyfriend to man up and tell his family how he expects them to treat you. If your family was treating him this way, you would have every right to tell them that it is unacceptable. If they can't respect him, what makes you think they will ever respect you?

You all seem to have MAJOR boundary issues.

The fact that you aren't RUNNING makes me question your own mental state, honestly. I don't mean that as an insult but come on, how on earth does any of this seem even remotely healthy to you.. at all? You should change your phone number and don't let your fiance give it to any of them. Cut complete contact with his entire family until they can deal with you in a respectable manor. Imagine the sister is a big bucket with a hole in the bottom and your energy/emotional health is the water. You can keep pouring and pouring it into the bucket as much as you want but until that bucket is fixed, you are wasting it and will run out eventually. If the bucket doesn't want to be fixed or fix itself, then you need get rid of the bucket until it is fixed.

If for whatever reason you do decide to join this ridiculous family, please do not bring children into the equation unless everything is completely repaired and the necessary help has been sought. It would be unfair to the child to allow that family to have any interaction with such a toxic environment.

 

[Pagey]

^Alright, I'm meant to be working right now and was planning on answering these responses later, but you, lugoj, have ABSOLUTELY crossed the line.

Honestly, what the hell is wrong with you? I can't believe what I just read. It's all the more unbeliable because you start out with a great idea - seeing a professional altogether for mediation. But what gives you the right to judge my fiancé or me? Please tell me that? I KNOW her mental illness is basic anxiety and a bit of depression because not only has she seen numerous, numerous specialists, I also know what bipolar disorder looks like, what schizophrenia looks like, and what autism looks like - and guess what, those are pretty much the only 3 conditions that could make anyone behave in that sort of way.

Next bit: Jesus you're judgemental. Can your wife fathom that maybe, just maybe - oh wait no, I forget, everyone knows this - EVERY rape victim deals with it differently? It's my right to say it to whomever I want and I felt the need to tell his family. Why isn't particularly your business frankly.

'It looks fishy' that I want to help someone who is being mentally, emotionally and physically abused? Wow. Your poor wife.
Take this as an example: you see a man brutally hitting a woman in the street, there's no one around but you have your cell. You would just walk by? Sleep soundly that night knowing that she might be dead? You wouldn't call the police I assume, I mean - 'that's fishy'.

Also, for starters my FIANCE - at least read properly if you're gonna be such a twat - has more man in his pinky toe than you clearly do in your whole body, and I can tell that sooo easily by your post. You probably assumed, judging by your track record in the idiocy department, that when these things happen my fiancé just kinda sits there and looks at the ceiling and wait for it to end. Of course he fucking doesn'. Jesus. He has tried absolutely everything with every single member of his family, but with an autistic brother, an alcoholic mother whose alcoholism is so severe she doesn't know what's going on half the time and a father who gave up on the family years ago, it's just a little hard. Get it?

Major boundary issues too, huh? Care to develop on that?
I'm not 'running' because I have commitments in London for a very prestigious masters program that I'm in no way turning down. We don't live in the same city as his family for god's sake, not as if I see her every day...in fact if you'd read my OP properly you'd have seen that aside from rare occasions, I saw her maybe once or twice a month. And now my fiancé and I have moved down to London, we have no intention of ever seeing her again.

'If for whatever reason you do decide to join this ridiculous family, please do not bring children into the equation unless everything is completely repaired and the necessary help has been sought. It would be unfair to the child to allow that family to have any interaction with such a toxic environment. '
How. Fucking. Dare. You? My fiancé and I are extremely stable, he's got a bloody doctorate and I will have an MA soon, and we pretty much have the best and happiest relationship imaginable. We would treat our children with the utmost care and dignity they will deserve. DYou actually think we'll go visiting Aunt Dickhead so she can spend quality time with our child? REALLY?
So don't you even fucking dare say again that my fiancé and I are too toxic to have children.

Everyone else - you gave very helpful answers and I will reply to them later

 

[LuGoJ]

^Alright, I'm meant to be working right now and was planning on answering these responses later, but you, lugoj, have ABSOLUTELY crossed the line.

Honestly, what the hell is wrong with you? I can't believe what I just read. It's all the more unbeliable because you start out with a great idea - seeing a professional altogether for mediation. But what gives you the right to judge my fiancé or me? Please tell me that? I KNOW her mental illness is basic anxiety and a bit of depression because not only has she seen numerous, numerous specialists, I also know what bipolar disorder looks like, what schizophrenia looks like, and what autism looks like - and guess what, those are pretty much the only 3 conditions that could make anyone behave in that sort of way.

Next bit: Jesus you're judgmental. Can your wife fathom that maybe, just maybe - oh wait no, I forget, everyone knows this - EVERY rape victim deals with it differently? It's my right to say it to whomever I want and I felt the need to tell his family. Why isn't particularly your business frankly.

'It looks fishy' that I want to help someone who is being mentally, emotionally and physically abused? Wow. Your poor wife.
Take this as an example: you see a man brutally hitting a woman in the street, there's no one around but you have your cell. You would just walk by? Sleep soundly that night knowing that she might be dead? You wouldn't call the police I assume, I mean - 'that's fishy'.

As for the abuse. I would step in and stop it and then call the police and have the person arrested. Did you all call the police and have her arrested, along with a restraining order?

Also, for starters my FIANCE - at least read properly if you're gonna be such a twat - has more man in his pinky toe than you clearly do in your whole body, and I can tell that sooo easily by your post. You probably assumed, judging by your track record in the idiocy department, that when these things happen my fiancé just kinda sits there and looks at the ceiling and wait for it to end. Of course he fucking doesn'. Jesus. He has tried absolutely everything with every single member of his family, but with an autistic brother, an alcoholic mother whose alcoholism is so severe she doesn't know what's going on half the time and a father who gave up on the family years ago, it's just a little hard. Get it?

Major boundary issues too, huh? Care to develop on that?
I'm not 'running' because I have commitments in London for a very prestigious masters program that I'm in no way turning down. We don't live in the same city as his family for god's sake, not as if I see her every day...in fact if you'd read my OP properly you'd have seen that aside from rare occasions, I saw her maybe once or twice a month. And now my fiancé and I have moved down to London, we have no intention of ever seeing her again.

'If for whatever reason you do decide to join this ridiculous family, please do not bring children into the equation unless everything is completely repaired and the necessary help has been sought. It would be unfair to the child to allow that family to have any interaction with such a toxic environment. '
How. Fucking. Dare. You? My fiancé and I are extremely stable, he's got a bloody doctorate and I will have an MA soon, and we pretty much have the best and happiest relationship imaginable. We would treat our children with the utmost care and dignity they will deserve. DYou actually think we'll go visiting Aunt Dickhead so she can spend quality time with our child? REALLY?
So don't you even fucking dare say again that my fiancé and I are too toxic to have children.

Everyone else - you gave very helpful answers and I will reply to them later

Apologies if you feel I crossed the line.

how am I being judgemental? I'm honestly asking if it was something you wanted to share if it was coerced out of your or something. My wife's extended family is extremely nosey and gossipy, they always try to pull very personal stuff out of people. When did I say you shouldn't be able to share it? I just said it seemed like a super heavy topic to share with people that aren't really family yet. She said she couldn't personally fathom sharing that. Why does that bother you so much? She can't fathom it, you obviously can. Neither of you are wrong...

When I said it looks fishy, I simply meant that it probably looks very strange to his sister and that could be a big part of the contention. Maybe she thinks you are messing around with him? Who know what is going through her head. As for her clinical diagnoses, I am happy you are able to give her a clinical diagnosis, that is not something I am qualified to do. Even if I can't give her a clinical diagnosis as you can, it is apparent she is out to lunch, completely. You know how there was that kid in highschool that bullied people for fun? They may not be clinically diagnosed with anything special, but we all know they are bat shit crazy for acting in such a way. That's what I'm getting at.

As for the abuse. I would intervene and call the police to have the person arrested, along with having a restraining order filed. Unfortunately though, he will only leave when he is ready and nothing you or anyone else can say will change that. There is a good chance he will keep going back, over and over and over. Constant police intervention and presence can help with this sometimes.

Apologies if you felt offended by me telling your fiance to man up. Based on your description, that is exactly what I assumed, sorry if your explanation of him didn't paint a better picture in my mind. All I was getting at is that it is his family and in the end, he needs to communicate very clearly how he expects them to treat you. If they cannot comply, then they should be out of the picture until they can interact in a respectable manor. At the end of the day, we show people how to treat us. As for you talking to him VS your fiance, men generally listen to men for advice more than women. That is why I said he needs to be the one trying to talk to him, not you. Yes you have the right to get involved, but it may be counter productive considering your relationship with her, especially when there are other people able to.

I didn't mean to physically move when I said run. I meant steer fucking clear of the obviously toxic individuals until they aren't toxic any longer. Maybe it's an american thing but if someone you don't like is coming, friends will often say "run for the hills!", they don't literally mean to run. If I misread your original post, I apologize. I got the impression that these people are a constant thorn in your side. If they aren't, then never mind.

I never said you or your fiance were toxic. I said "please do not bring children into the equation unless everything is completely repaired and the necessary help has been sought.", meaning his family. The people that are obviously causing most of this drama here. From your description, the family is extremely toxic, NOT YOU AND YOUR FIANCE. If you aren't planning on bringing your kids around them, good. How am I supposed to know that you won't? I'm not a mind reader.


I don't judge anybody and I apologize if that's how you read it. I will say though.. my first post seems rather benign as I sit here a reread it. Perhaps it hit a nerve with you for a reason? Is it not possible there may be some tiny truths in there that you do not want to accept? All I know is that when I know something is 100% bullshit and it truly doesn't apply to me, it rolls off of my back like water and I laugh about it. Yet when I think something is 100% bullshit and it turns out 1% may be true, that 1% sure does get me fired up.

Also, in regards to your comment of my track record in the idiocy department. Care to clarify? I may often be guilty of being blunts, insensitive, straightforward and gruff but I don't think anyone would say that I've given bad advice throughout the decade I've been a member here. While I may be an insensitive direct prick sometimes, I always try not to hurl personal insults at people. If you were upset that I questioned your mental state, perhaps I could have said that I questioned your mental clarity instead, something we are all guilty of lacking at times.

Oh, and before I forgot. I saw no mention of drugs in your post. Are you and your husband both sober or are you actively using/in the midst of addiction? I say you mentioned "despite being a scummy drug addict" and I assume you said that sarcastically. Is that her and their perception or you? If that is the case, you must change that perception. Whether or not the statement of you being an addict is true, it doesn't matter, perception is everything. If you and your husband are actively using anything, it may be worth stopping for a while? I've always found that dealing with these issues with a clear head is extremely helpful. By all means, go back to using once everything is fixed and working smoothly.

 

[deano88]

Just beat the shit outa her she deserves it

 

[Mysterie]

~ deano88, available for all of your cool-headed relationship advice needs ~

 

[deano88]

~ deano88, available for all of your cool-headed relationship advice needs ~

I do me best

 

[pofacedhoe]

well first off its none of her business if you have had a traumatic past.

you dont need to tell everyone everything. people wont always have sympathy for you. they will just take what you have said and spin it to their own agenda

my mum wont even tell people about her autoimmune issues cos explaining and justifying her tiredness is too much to ask from a lot of people often who are not that intelligent.

if her boyfriend stays with her even if she is violent that is his problem. not yours.

filling people in on what they do not need to know and sending her boyfriend texts probably fuelled all this nonsense at her end but seriously stop contacting her or him. stop talking to them.

get on with your life with your fiancée and be happy. nothing is ever perfect and for him you will have to tolerate her.

she sounds crazy.

i dont think you need a therapist/mediator. talking would be a waste cos it hasn't worked so far. if anything its just made it worse. i think you need to give her a wide berth and dont tell her ANYTHING cos she sounds like a reactive nutter

 

[brink]

Wow, LuGoJ covered crucial angles in a systematic and objective way concerning the crazy sister. I don't think intentions were to insult or demean victims.

Truthfully, it is a bit odd if everyone has everyone else's phone number. If people are that bothersome, they can be blocked or ignored. Some folks, as long as they know there is a way to intervene, they'll do anything to pry and create problems. There's a point where getting involved becomes a moral or legal obligation, however a great approach to minimize emotional involvement and retaliation is to report serious issues to authorities, as mentioned.

 

[LuGoJ]

well first off its none of her business if you have had a traumatic past.

you dont need to tell everyone everything. people wont always have sympathy for you. they will just take what you have said and spin it to their own agenda

my mum wont even tell people about her autoimmune issues cos explaining and justifying her tiredness is too much to ask from a lot of people often who are not that intelligent.

if her boyfriend stays with her even if she is violent that is his problem. not yours.

filling people in on what they do not need to know and sending her boyfriend texts probably fuelled all this nonsense at her end but seriously stop contacting her or him. stop talking to them.

get on with your life with your fiancée and be happy. nothing is ever perfect and for him you will have to tolerate her.

she sounds crazy.

i dont think you need a therapist/mediator. talking would be a waste cos it hasn't worked so far. if anything its just made it worse. i think you need to give her a wide berth and dont tell her ANYTHING cos she sounds like a reactive nutter

I think you were able to sum up a lot of what I was feeling in 1/10th the amount of words. I need to learn from you =p

 

[pofacedhoe]

my attitude is that if someone is an asshole all the time, cease contact immediately

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

well first off its none of her business if you have had a traumatic past.

you dont need to tell everyone everything. people wont always have sympathy for you. they will just take what you have said and spin it to their own agenda

my mum wont even tell people about her autoimmune issues cos explaining and justifying her tiredness is too much to ask from a lot of people often who are not that intelligent.

if her boyfriend stays with her even if she is violent that is his problem. not yours.

filling people in on what they do not need to know and sending her boyfriend texts probably fuelled all this nonsense at her end but seriously stop contacting her or him. stop talking to them.

get on with your life with your fiancée and be happy. nothing is ever perfect and for him you will have to tolerate her.

she sounds crazy.

i dont think you need a therapist/mediator. talking would be a waste cos it hasn't worked so far. if anything its just made it worse. i think you need to give her a wide berth and dont tell her ANYTHING cos she sounds like a reactive nutter

I agree with your post and advice.

I know people who have had horrible things happen to them, or who have medical issues and they don't tell people who they're not that close to like in-laws, or people who are vindictive or crazy like that woman sounds like she is.

I would not get a counselor/mediator involved as this woman sounds pretty crazy and she'll simply just use the fact that you did this against you in the future, and she sounds like she has a lot of issues she herself has to work on, and you can't fix someone that's crazy or violent. It's best if you simply just cut off all contact with her, don't communicate with her, see her socially, ignore their texts or block them from contacting you online or via mobile phone, and don't invite her to the wedding. If other family members have these traits don't have anything to do with them either.

 

[Erikmen]

Yes, exactly!