Advice Feel Like Some Thingd Can't Be Moved Past

[KattyKorner]

So I've done some things that have really hurt my girlfriend, and these things always tend to come up in fights. Almost always really.

Sort of a "these times you really hurt me and I'm still dealing with them"

And it wasn't anything violent, just emotionally hurt.

We've discussed the how and why these things hurt her, and in my opinion we have covered most of everything beyond "it happened, and that hurts"

My concern is that these events will always affect our relationship, and won't get any better. Like it will always hold us back. Our arguments will always come back to, "you hurt me that one time"
It's been 2 years since most of the events, and I feel like it has really held us back in terms of progress. Every fight always swings back to these events, some how, some way.

I'm not asking how to make her get over things, or anything like that. I'm looking for advice on how to discuss with her something like "hey, I know you are still hurting from these events. Perhaps we can sit down and discuss them, as I want to try to heal what I have hurt and make it easier for you to handle the pain I've given you. I feel that will make our relationship easier and better going forward."

Does any of this make sense?

 

[xtcgrrrl]

Why don’t you just use those exact words that you used in your post? Any reasonable person would respond favorably to this, I believe. Additionally, I want to point out that by holding on to the bad feelings from the past and the grudge against you, she is not doing herself or the relationship any favors. She must want the relationship to work, or she would have left, yeah? So therefore, constantly bringing up these bad things from the past is a way of “keeping score,” and that’s ALWAYS bad for a relationship. Once you start using the past to hurt the other person…well, that can be considered a form of emotional leverage. She is using the past as a way of exacting payback, or else it is an excuse for her to not do her fair share of the emotional labor. A truly mature person will take responsibility for their part in the events, and let go of the hurt of past events. If you don’t do this, it’ll just eat you up inside.

Opening the lines of communication could go a long way, here. Good luck!

 

[Keeloverandfly]

damn, well said xtcrrrl

Not to try and discourage you, but in my last long term relationship I made too many mistakes, and when I tried to make things better it was too little too late. We moved on because the harm was irreparable (nothing violent or mean, just ignoring needs and not cleaning the house and stuff like that), and I tried to learn from my previous relationships in order to start with a clean slate and not mess up the next time I found love.

As well, I have heard from relationship therapists on Ted talks and podcasts and such that these accumulated emotional harms are hard to forget and sometimes it is better to start over with someone new. But I can’t insist enough on learning from mistakes!

 

[axe battler]

xtcgrrrl put it perfectly @KattyKorner. Only thing I would add is that 2 years is a long time, but not that long if you're planning on spending your lives together. She's probably still hurt from whatever it is that you did, but it will hopefully heal in time, and after a few more years it really will be unreasonable of her to keep throwing it in your face.
I would open with saying you're sorry for what you did (it sounds like you really are) and you've learned by your mistake and you'd like to move on from it. Don't say this in an argument though, timing may be quite important here. Good luck.

 

[KattyKorner]

I have said sorry many times, and she just very recently, last few days, said she didn't feel I apologized specifically for some of the things (like instead of im sorry about x, in sorry I did x at y times which caused z,, basically) and I did give detailed apologies.

So there is that.

Still need to ask her if it is possible to even move on from the things, as that wasn't brought up

There is more big stuff that I have to deal with though, so I may make another post or two.

 

[KattyKorner]

So I need advice on how to go about telling my girl "we need to work on baggage"

Because imo, that comes across as "you need to work on baggage"

And thats not how I want to come across.

In my opinion, she does need to decide on if she is going to keep carrying that baggage, or come to terms with it. But so do I. I gave her the baggage, and I need to more come to terms with that, and also my own baggage from this relationship.

But I feel saying "we need to work on this baggage" to me seems to imply that she needs to be the one to work on it, and that's not the case.

It does need to be addressed, but I want to prepare for if she feels targeted, she might, but I just want to be able to conversation in the best, most productive manner possibel

 

[axe battler]

Yeah you're right about that, don't say we need to work on baggage. Maybe phrasing it as "I'm so sorry for what I did to you, what can I do to make it up to you?"
Actions speak louder than words, and you know her far better than us. Simply apologising may not be enough. Is there any gesture of act that you think would make her swoon for you?
May I ask what you did or is that too personal? If so please don't worry, it just may be easier to help you if we knew.

Unfortunately sometimes no matter how sorry we are, the relationship and their feelings are done for and we're just prolonging the inevitable. Not saying that is the case, but sometimes it is.

 

[xtcgrrrl]

I heard about this analogy recently. A man had his son drive nails into a wooden board. Then he instructed his son to remove the nails. When that was done, he said, “son, look at the board. What do you see?” The son replied “holes.” The man said, “when you do something that hurts someone, that’s you driving the nails into the board. When you remove the nails, the holes remain. Saying you’re sorry may remove the nail, but the damage you did to the person is represented by the holes that remain.”

I agree with @axe battler - this sounds like a situation in which actions are better than words. Start out by asking her forgiveness for the specific things (as she has expressed a need for this) and then stating your intentions to be better. Even better if you can give SPECIFIC examples of how you intend to improve. Then, just do it and be consistent about it. Over time, the wounds will heal, once she perceives your efforts.

One further note, if she DOES NOT see or appreciate the efforts you are making, you may want to rethink the relationship.

 

[-=SS=-]

Here's my take. By asking about working on these things what you are really doing is asking for her permission for you to feel resolved about the mistakes you made, which from her perspective (perhaps unconsciously) might be taken negatively depending on how great her emotional accumulation of 'repulsed by you' file is in her brain.

You need to identify the mistakes made. If you can do that on your own that is the best, though sometimes it might be difficult to identify all of them because you'll have to really contemplate hard about what it feels like to be in her position. If not, try and tease out the mistakes from her, from her point of view. Don't try to negotiate, just listen and take note of what they are. Then contemplate on it in your own time.

Then finally you need to act to demonstrate you aren't making or going to make the same mistakes again. You don't advertise you're doing it. You just do it. Once that has been achieved then at that point she has no ability to use the mistakes as leverage in any argument because you can demonstrably prove you've grown past the old you that made those sorts of mistakes.

Also never beg. Even if you want to make amends, even if you should make amends. Do, instead. Women innately understand the power of words, especially to weasel out of real action or confronting the truth (don't lie ladies, you know it's true!). The more you open your mouth the more you will dig your own grave if she already has a level of resentment building inside her mind. You can use words to dominate a woman's heart and mind, but if you've already screwed up then you are two cars behind and shouting won't get you back out in front.. you have to physically get there. Depending on what the situation is that may be possible or not.

 

[qwertygina]

Why don’t you just use those exact words that you used in your post? Any reasonable person would respond favorably to this, I believe. Additionally, I want to point out that by holding on to the bad feelings from the past and the grudge against you, she is not doing herself or the relationship any favors. She must want the relationship to work, or she would have left, yeah? So therefore, constantly bringing up these bad things from the past is a way of “keeping score,” and that’s ALWAYS bad for a relationship. Once you start using the past to hurt the other person…well, that can be considered a form of emotional leverage. She is using the past as a way of exacting payback, or else it is an excuse for her to not do her fair share of the emotional labor. A truly mature person will take responsibility for their part in the events, and let go of the hurt of past events. If you don’t do this, it’ll just eat you up inside.

Opening the lines of communication could go a long way, here. Good luck!

I was going to advise saying that exact same thing also..
I can say from experience... If it's still coming up then she isn't over it.
The way you came on here and worded your post tells me you know what to do already. You sound like you really love her. Just lay your heart out there wide open and tell her what you told us...
Imagine it working out the way you want and it will...

 

[qwertygina]

Here's my take. By asking about working on these things what you are really doing is asking for her permission for you to feel resolved about the mistakes you made, which from her perspective (perhaps unconsciously) might be taken negatively depending on how great her emotional accumulation of 'repulsed by you' file is in her brain.

You need to identify the mistakes made. If you can do that on your own that is the best, though sometimes it might be difficult to identify all of them because you'll have to really contemplate hard about what it feels like to be in her position. If not, try and tease out the mistakes from her, from her point of view. Don't try to negotiate, just listen and take note of what they are. Then contemplate on it in your own time.

Then finally you need to act to demonstrate you aren't making or going to make the same mistakes again. You don't advertise you're doing it. You just do it. Once that has been achieved then at that point she has no ability to use the mistakes as leverage in any argument because you can demonstrably prove you've grown past the old you that made those sorts of mistakes.

Also never beg. Even if you want to make amends, even if you should make amends. Do, instead. Women innately understand the power of words, especially to weasel out of real action or confronting the truth (don't lie ladies, you know it's true!). The more you open your mouth the more you will dig your own grave if she already has a level of resentment building inside her mind. You can use words to dominate a woman's heart and mind, but if you've already screwed up then you are two cars behind and shouting won't get you back out in front.. you have to physically get there. Depending on what the situation is that may be possible or not.

Well said...

 

[qwertygina]

I heard about this analogy recently. A man had his son drive nails into a wooden board. Then he instructed his son to remove the nails. When that was done, he said, “son, look at the board. What do you see?” The son replied “holes.” The man said, “when you do something that hurts someone, that’s you driving the nails into the board. When you remove the nails, the holes remain. Saying you’re sorry may remove the nail, but the damage you did to the person is represented by the holes that remain.”

I agree with @axe battler - this sounds like a situation in which actions are better than words. Start out by asking her forgiveness for the specific things (as she has expressed a need for this) and then stating your intentions to be better. Even better if you can give SPECIFIC examples of how you intend to improve. Then, just do it and be consistent about it. Over time, the wounds will heal, once she perceives your efforts.

One further note, if she DOES NOT see or appreciate the efforts you are making, you may want to rethink the relationship.

Sounds like you need to forgive yourself also..
Like Axe said don't say you're sorry be it through your actions.
Sorry is a word that quickly loses all meaning and power once the behavior that you're sorry for keeps repeating. Being truly sorry means not continuing the behavior over and over

 

[qwertygina]

I

I heard about this analogy recently. A man had his son drive nails into a wooden board. Then he instructed his son to remove the nails. When that was done, he said, “son, look at the board. What do you see?” The son replied “holes.” The man said, “when you do something that hurts someone, that’s you driving the nails into the board. When you remove the nails, the holes remain. Saying you’re sorry may remove the nail, but the damage you did to the person is represented by the holes that remain.”

I agree with @axe battler - this sounds like a situation in which actions are better than words. Start out by asking her forgiveness for the specific things (as she has expressed a need for this) and then stating your intentions to be better. Even better if you can give SPECIFIC examples of how you intend to improve. Then, just do it and be consistent about it. Over time, the wounds will heal, once she perceives your efforts.

One further note, if she DOES NOT see or appreciate the efforts you are making, you may want to rethink the relationship.

Love the holes in the board analogy.. perfect
Here is a good one for you..
A broken heart/relationship is like a ripped up crumpled piece of paper . You can uncrumple it, smooth it even iron it but it will never be the same.
With some love and repair it can be made stronger than ever before..

 

[stardust10]

If she has been hurt so much she can't forgive and especially trust then it's a tough one. I dunno how severe a situation/s we're talking but I hope yous can heal and trust together once again