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Falling in love too easily and fantasy love

Survival0200

Survival0200

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 27, 2005
Messages
3,499
I recently started school. On my first English lesson we had to do a conversation practice with another student. Well, there was this girl that I did the conversation practice with ... It felt really nice to be doing it with a /girl/. She seemed like a nice girl, and it felt nice to do the practice with her. I don't know how she felt about me, but I liked her. Now I feel like I'd like to start talking to her - maybe some small talk (well, I'm not really good at that). I'd just like to be friends with her, and maybe do something together after school. Probably she's out of my league ... but I've been thinking about her, and I think I have a crush on her. I've "fallen in love" with girls at school before, but it has always been "fantasy love" - I've just played with the thoughts of liking them in my mind, without actually making an initiative to become friends. If I'm being realistic, I'm not probably the kind of interesting person who would have what it takes to date with someone, but I'm fond of the thought of dating. Probably I'm better at taking care of my pets instead of a girl, but I've found myself being interested in a girl - again. It's taking my thoughts away from the actual school work - so it would've probably been better if I wouldn't have met this girl. Do you have the same kind of experiences with falling in love with people (too easily) and dreaming of people who are probably out of your league?
 
say hi, take it from there, not over thinking things is basically the key for actually meeting girls, way easier said than done

people who have a 'league' are superficial and i wouldn't want to waste time with someone who thinks like that

see if you guys can develop a positive connection, and build from that. ive never been able to ask a girl out idk why but the whole concept of rejection and having things out of my control really bug me.
 
fantasy love is for people who dont think they can get love or for some reason push it away. its a kind of psychological set up for unrequited love simply because you do nothing about it.

if you want a girl your going to have to talk to her and make the effort
 
It is far too easy for some people to create this sort of fantasy love - and it stems from and overanalysing things too much combined with loneliness and the desire for companionship.

Those two things together results in a simple human interaction spiralling wildly into a fantasy romance of what would happen if the stars would align and you two would get together, how amazing you would feel to have that person in your life, to love them and for them to love you back.

just remember it is just a projection of your own need for companionship which makes you feel this way. try to keep things logical, don't lose yourself in your thoughts. Real relationships are based on interaction. so go and interact. talk to her, get to know her, and then see if there is a possibility of a romantic progression.

dont handicap yourself from the get-go thinking you're not good enough, that is fear. and fear is based on things which aren't real - fear is a negative notion of an unknown future. live in the present.

if you spend your time day dreaming about what could be, then nothing will ever be.
 
Fantasy love is not real love, it's lust combined with projection and maybe some infatuation. Real love is a practice that takes time to develop. Having a developed fantasy world is normal and healthy, but not when it supplants your desire to meet actual women and have romantic learning experiences.

I don't necessarily agree with others who say that not overthinking it or being too active is the key. I currently live in a city whose culture is very passive-aggressive and laissez-faire. If you don't take action here, then no one will come to you. It could be different where you are though.

The idea that you have to "take care" of a woman is part of your problem, I think. Unless you end up in a very traditional relationship based on the gender binary, you are unlikely going to have to be a care giver. And IMO that sounds rather co-dependent. You're an independent young man with a lot of potential, so I would hope that whoever you eventually end up with is not clingy or dependent.

This may sound esoteric but I really believe the universe will bring the right person to you at the right time, when it is meant to be. I spent years fussing over the timing of relationships and trying to force it to happen, and it never worked out. It was only when I completely let go of the idea of being in a relationship and constantly having its absence hanging over me that I actually started to meet amazing people and have romantic connections. If you genuinely feel that you have nothing to prove and nothing to lose/gain by living - not just intellectually either, but actually embodying it - then I think magic will happen for you.

Your expectations and desperation will emanate, especially if you are obsessional or not stepping out of your fantasy world enough. Let it go, take more risks, and live a little. Eventually you'll live your way into the right situation where you collide with Miss. Right.
 
it's not very fun to have a serious relationship with a friend that has ended bad for me every time better when the way i met the girl was with the intention of dating
 
I have had one sided crushes before, I think almost everyone has. When I was younger, scared, un-confident, all that stuff... I had a lot of one sided crushes. How do you deal? Either hope the guy/girl likes you back or just deal with it until you stop liking them, find someone else to like, etc. I think almost everyone has had a crush like this before.
 
1 side/their side is easy enough to walk away from. How does one deal with a teaser? a pleaser without a single one to please.

It ain't you of course: 8)


:)
 
my one was a teaser. some people get off on having their friends perv on them emotionally in a look don't touch fashion as an ego boost.

straight men that like attention from gays being one such group. i can see why it happens but it was slightly annoying in retrospection.

you have to go for it or the not knowing will do your head in lol. then later when you see a similar pattern form years down the line you will see it for what it is:)
 
I literally fall in 'love' 9/10 women I talk with. Some I love tomorrow, some don't :)

If it's one sided move on quickly before you get emotionally too attached.
 
Can't say that I have had that exact problem but I have had crushes that were based little on reality, trouble differentiating love/lust, trouble telling if someone is just being friendly or flirting. I think everyone has had those things at some point in their life to a degree, it just gets magnified when you have certain mental illnesses lol. I would like to think I have a little better handle on things nowadays in those regards, but it is something I still have to try to keep tabs on... To make sure my thinking is based in the reality of a situation.
 
You have to think about her a few mins, and try to know if you really want her, as a partner as she is. She might change your life, takes your free time, which is not good or bad, you think if you REALLY want this. If you want her, go ahead, find his company, talk with her, meet here for a drink or a dine. Its better if you meet he in public first, she will more likely agree. BUT don't even start if you think she is out of you league. She is NOT out of your league, she might love you just because who you are, but you must believe in yourself. Play with the thoughts how will it be when you meet her, prepare for it. Don't do anything huge before it. If you are playing xbox, poker, roulette, or go to your favorite football team matches, or the worst, you are not sober, you lost her in that meeting. It all depends on how prepared are you. Try to remember what she likes, what happened with him in the time when you last talk with her. She will feel if she is #1 in your life, or there are more important things in your life. Basically she must be the #1, but not always. Don't jump on first world, have your own personality, your own life, where you let her in.

About the easily falling in love : What is your relation ship with your parents, especially your mother ? Who raised you mostly, whom you like more, and are they divorced or together ? Do you enjoy the sociable places, and people in there, or you just pick 1-2 person for yourself and you love them, or they are your best friend ? If you answer me this question here or in PM, probably I can help you.

Good Luck with her :)
 
token901 said:
About the easily falling in love : What is your relation ship with your parents, especially your mother ? Who raised you mostly, whom you like more, and are they divorced or together ? Do you enjoy the sociable places, and people in there, or you just pick 1-2 person for yourself and you love them, or they are your best friend ?
Click to expand...
I'm pretty much my mother's boy - and she raised me mostly. My parents are still together. I don't enjoy sociable places too much. I probably have only like a couple of friends I like to socialize with - and they are all men.

By the way, I think the girl has a boyfriend already, so I guess I'll move on and waste my effort on something else! ;)

I think one of my problems with socializing with people is the fact, that I wait for the other one to come talk to me. Then I just wait, wait and wait, and end up being alone. I'm not the kind of handsome looking guy everyone wants to be with. So, I guess I'd have to learn how to approach people.
 
I used to have this kind of stuff all the time when I was younger; it did get on my nerves after a while, since like you said, it's very distracting and not usually very rewarding, but I did find that you can kind of tune these crushes out by simply not nurturing them. You can't control your initial feelings but you really can make a crush go away faster if you try, particularly by forcing yourself not to have any expectations for it (unless you plan on really doing something about it!) and finding other ways to occupy yourself. Weirdly enough I've found it to become a bit of a habit after a while, and like all habits, once you break it it's much easier not to fall in it again.
I know that sounds kinda weird but there's clearly a reason why you have crushes so easily, so if you can train yourself either to get past that reason or not really listen to it, it really could help.
Focusing on other aspects of your social life is also always beneficial.

Also...don't be so hard on yourself! You mentioned being unattractive way too many times for a few posts. Let these girls decide that for themselves! Maybe it might help for you to gain some self-confidence before trying to speak to any of them? Also, a boost in self-confidence might actually resolve this falling in love with people too easily thing :)
 
I've tried to reach the "friend level" with this girl I was writing about. We've been chit-chatting inbetween classes in school. I'm really happy I've found a girl I like talking to. I think my goal would be to be friends outside of school also. But I'm kind of afraid asking her out for coffee or so. I'm just waiting for her to ask me to do something together with her. If I'd ask her, she'd probably think I'm asking her out for a date, which is not my intention. It would be nice to have a friend outside of school. Maybe time will show how this thing proceeds - if at all. Just a little update about my situation. ;)

Btw, it's great I've been able to overcome myself and talk with a girl. I've probably never talked this much with a girl, because I've been kind of shy always... So, this is pretty much a new situation for me!
 
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