I've got a bit of a query about something I experienced during my first psychedelic trips that I've never heard anyone else talk about or at least explain in the same way. I first assumed it was ego death or ego dissolution but most people seem to see that as how aware of being 'a being' you are, and this was somewhat different.
At the end of my very first mushroom trip, I closed my eyes and saw, though not in a direct way, in more of a mixture of a visually literal and symbolic way, a representation of myself, my identity. Like looking in a mirror but a psychedelic mirror. This first experience was very brief. On my second mushroom trip (probably one of two only properly 'bad trips' I've had), I experienced this again but much more intensely, only with eyes closed during the peak I would have this experience as if I was still me, or at least still a person but observing myself. It appeared to be myself as I was right then, but the vision communicated precisely my 'identity' as if I was looking at myself as someone other than me.
It really creeped me out at first but at a point I did become a bit more curious about it, however all the trip before that had been negative and because I'd stopped feeling scared by this vision the theme of the trip quickly changed again to something else that I found scary. The next time I experienced this was throughout the entire peak of my first LSD experience, however with eyes open this time. However because LSD makes me more 'out of it', like lost in the trip, where with mushrooms I'm kind of viewing the trip, I didn't feel sober/myself enough to be as bothered about it. I more just saw it as a characteristic of the mental world I was exploring. It was creepy at points but I also began to find it kind of therapeutic almost like an extreme meditation on self-reflection. This was really my last proper encounter with the phenomenon. At the end of that trip I took MDMA and on the comedown I smoked some weed at which point the vision came back somewhat and I was panicked for a while that it was never going to go away. Other than that I have only experienced it during anxiety attacks from weed, extremely briefly in my second LSD trip and when I self induce a flashback of it by thinking about it, whether sober or on something, but then it's mostly mental and I don't actually 'see it' in the same way as the first few times.
At first it freaked me out to no end for months when I tried to reflect on it, but I have also tried to use it as a tool to better understand myself and better myself. Mostly it's just a memory now and I don't feel such strong emotions attached to thinking about the experience any more. I was just wondering if anyone else had experienced similar and whether this was the beginning of the process of ego death or a kind of ego dissolution, as o first suspected, or something more personal to my psychology?
Thanks for reading anyway at least
Oh and it would probably help to mention hat the reason the experience was quite so emotional for me was that I have a lot of anxieties built up around my personality, how I come across socially, whether I'm a likeable or annoying/odd person, etc, which has been a problem I've had from a very young and I've struggled somewhat with depression/anxiety/self-worth/esteem issues, and my initial reaction to the experience was to be embarrassed about who I was and feel like I'd been hiding my identity from myself for a long time and I was just now seeing who I was at my core. The reasons why I felt that way seemed very arbitrary though just like i felt I was 'awkward' or 'weird' or something like that. Now it's not so much a bother for me any more I'm just wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences and how to use it to make myself a better person, which is what I feel like I need to use the experience to do?
At the end of my very first mushroom trip, I closed my eyes and saw, though not in a direct way, in more of a mixture of a visually literal and symbolic way, a representation of myself, my identity. Like looking in a mirror but a psychedelic mirror. This first experience was very brief. On my second mushroom trip (probably one of two only properly 'bad trips' I've had), I experienced this again but much more intensely, only with eyes closed during the peak I would have this experience as if I was still me, or at least still a person but observing myself. It appeared to be myself as I was right then, but the vision communicated precisely my 'identity' as if I was looking at myself as someone other than me.
It really creeped me out at first but at a point I did become a bit more curious about it, however all the trip before that had been negative and because I'd stopped feeling scared by this vision the theme of the trip quickly changed again to something else that I found scary. The next time I experienced this was throughout the entire peak of my first LSD experience, however with eyes open this time. However because LSD makes me more 'out of it', like lost in the trip, where with mushrooms I'm kind of viewing the trip, I didn't feel sober/myself enough to be as bothered about it. I more just saw it as a characteristic of the mental world I was exploring. It was creepy at points but I also began to find it kind of therapeutic almost like an extreme meditation on self-reflection. This was really my last proper encounter with the phenomenon. At the end of that trip I took MDMA and on the comedown I smoked some weed at which point the vision came back somewhat and I was panicked for a while that it was never going to go away. Other than that I have only experienced it during anxiety attacks from weed, extremely briefly in my second LSD trip and when I self induce a flashback of it by thinking about it, whether sober or on something, but then it's mostly mental and I don't actually 'see it' in the same way as the first few times.
At first it freaked me out to no end for months when I tried to reflect on it, but I have also tried to use it as a tool to better understand myself and better myself. Mostly it's just a memory now and I don't feel such strong emotions attached to thinking about the experience any more. I was just wondering if anyone else had experienced similar and whether this was the beginning of the process of ego death or a kind of ego dissolution, as o first suspected, or something more personal to my psychology?
Thanks for reading anyway at least
Oh and it would probably help to mention hat the reason the experience was quite so emotional for me was that I have a lot of anxieties built up around my personality, how I come across socially, whether I'm a likeable or annoying/odd person, etc, which has been a problem I've had from a very young and I've struggled somewhat with depression/anxiety/self-worth/esteem issues, and my initial reaction to the experience was to be embarrassed about who I was and feel like I'd been hiding my identity from myself for a long time and I was just now seeing who I was at my core. The reasons why I felt that way seemed very arbitrary though just like i felt I was 'awkward' or 'weird' or something like that. Now it's not so much a bother for me any more I'm just wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences and how to use it to make myself a better person, which is what I feel like I need to use the experience to do?
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