experience with family relationships

[BornAgainYogi]

My family has always been distant from eachother and I really don't like it. I feel like I'm missing out on the stability and support a family provides for most people. A quick run down of my family is thus, absentee father, dead mother, suicidal and social anxiety riden oldest brother, social anxiety riden and anger issues second to oldest brother, another brother who more or less cut off all communication with us and an ok and well adjusted older sister. Seriously feels like I'm fighting an up hill battle with these people. No desire to change it seems in my brothers and dad and I just feel caught in between some huge mess always with them. None of them like to leave the house and spend bonding time together and it's frustrating. Neither have any type of social life of their own. They do have positive attributes to them don't get me wrong and that's what I hate most is seeing so much untapped potential in them. I've been told by my brother that I can't change them and that's pretty much why he left but I don't want to give out hope on them.

That was more or less me venting but the real question is can I help them and if so what could work or am I better off just walking away? Anyone have experience fixing a broken family?

 

[-=SS=-]

I've spent a lot of time pondering about my family dynamic. It depends on where the people are, age and motivation wise, within your family. Generally the older people get the harder it is for them to change; if they're young there is still some what of a point to putting in effort to change.

Depends on how much you're willing to put in too, and the possibility it may come to nothing.. or you get hurt emotionally in the process. If they want to change then help them, otherwise be there for them when and if they need your love. Leading by example is probably the most effective use of your time.. you enhance your own life and there's the possibility they may see your success and get drawn to it/want to be like you. As someone who has suffered from mild social anxiety/anxiety, inherited from my father, it wasn't until I had met a lot of other human beings and seen a lot of other family dynamics that I realized something was wrong/missing in myself and that I then wanted to break through my own barriers. Sometimes a person needs a taster though.. and there is no logical method to that really.. sometimes it can be a random person at a random time who just happens to lend them a hand at the moment they were open to it, which starts a whole chain of unfolding.

Most families have some level of dysfunction. Depending on your age you might be better off forging ahead on your own, rather than looking backwards for a love that you may never receive. That hurts of course, but you can find love in so many other places.

 

[BornAgainYogi]

Yeah you make a lot of sense. The oldest is thirty so I'm guessing that's beyond the line for change? I'm 21 and the youngest and quite frankly it sucked because I was the last one to realize what we had become. I feel ashamed to have a family like this. Not out of strife just a feeling of loneliness that I face day after after with constant reminders all around me. Any coping strategies that helped you? I've been walking a path to find wholeness in other places and it hasn't been too fruitful as of yet.

 

[-=SS=-]

Thirty is still plenty young enough to change. For me personally I found it useful just being around other people.. obviously some people suck but there's good people too and they helped fill in the gaps that my parents failed at. You can't change the past or expect to find love from a time that is past too.. you have to accept that what is gone is gone. You are here now and holding yourself up, and you would be even if you had those experiences you long for. You also have to accept your parents for who they are.. they probably had weak parents too, or unfortunate circumstances and such.

My dad's dad died when he was a teenager, and I don't think he ever recovered from that. This affected him and in turn has affected me and my siblings development. He is too old to change, and as much as I wish our relationship could be better it could also be a lot worse. Learning how society has changed in the past 100 years might help you come to terms with things.. I mean we all do the best we can given our situation. It sucks when deep down you know things could be different.. everyone with a heart feels that.. and that includes your family members.

Have some compassion, but also develop your own strength.

 

[herbavore]

I have found that the best thing for me to do to love my family was to live far away from them. It may sound harsher than it actually is--it's just a recognition that we push each others buttons and disappoint each other when we are around each other every day. Now when I see them I can be truly excited to see them and we enjoy our time together. I find it easier to let them be who they are. Families have the identity of each individual all tangled up together and it can be so hard to balance but it is probably the best training ground we each get for how to assert ourselves without quashing the self of someone else.

Having said all that, I am very close to my mother and I would give anything for her to come live with me and spend her last years close by. Unfortunately for me, but fortunately for her, she has a very rich and full life of her own (at almost 86!) about 700 miles north of me. Heading up there soon to spend two weeks happily letting her drive me crazy.

 

[nygiants1313]

Hang in there man. Im 25 brothers are 22 and 20 and moms dead and we all live with dad. We're never close. I take blame for this cuZ I was always out away from home doing drugs. My addiction hurt us and we are all now slowly (very slowly) getting closer. I hope with age we finally get to a great point like my dad and his brothers are. I have a lot of guilt for us not being close and I know how you feel man.

If you put in the effort that is all you can do. It takes two parties to come together. I would say to never give up on family because in the end they are a u got. (Most of the time)

 

[BornAgainYogi]

^ I've heard it's important to never give up on family before. I guess I'll always leave my door open sorta speak and I honestly believe we are inching our way closer and forward.

 

[malakaix]

That was more or less me venting but the real question is can I help them and if so what could work or am I better off just walking away? Anyone have experience fixing a broken family?

You sound a bit like how i was around 21.

My family is very disconnected emotionally, i didn't actually realize this until i moved out in my late teens and saw how other people functioned with their family. - To me it was normal, but then as i began to open up more emotionally through new experiences, substances, living on my own and bonding with other people i started to understand there was something really bizarre with my family, when i moved back in during my early twenties i felt 'compelled' to connect with all of them on a closer level and i tried.. but there's a 40 odd year gap between myself and my parents and they are well set in their ways. And my younger brother has always been heavily introverted and analytical.

I realized i wasn't going to get the connection i wanted from them so i sought it out elsewhere.. i spent some time travelling and ended up living in Europe for a couple of years; i ended up meeting a girl who i lived with for a couple of months and i was introduced to her family and social circle, at one point i was living with her in her parents house with her grandparents, parents, sister and brother in law, their baby and her brother. I attended dinners and outings with her whole family, they were all so close and connected and it was quite literally the polar extreme of my own family.. i remember at one time thinking to myself 'Have i literally swapped families here?' it was a strange experience.

But i digress, the relationship ended and some time later i returned home to pursue work and found myself living back at home again. My family exactly as i left them.. but this time it didn't bother me so much; i guess i came to accept them and their flaws without it bothering me too much because i had experienced that family closeness overseas and i came to understand it just isn't who they are.. or perhaps i realized that although i will probably never have that sense of bonding with my immediate family, it's possible to have it with others.. and that makes me feel less bitter about my family dynamic?

That said, everything is perspective.. what you consider ideal may not be ideal for them.