Puff
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2022
- Messages
- 109
Hey, how you guys going? Hope well, or at least doing one step at the time.
Not an active member here, most of my posts topics involve my cats and coke and these one couldn't be different... But with a twist: I was on a period of sobriety when this happened.
First, let me explain how my journey to get sober, my tactic is not use the longest time I can using a "5 day rule" with ritalin to help and expanding one day when I reach the goal. It worked two weeks, however the consume from last weekend made me relapse. I'm aware of my mistake. The trigger was the feeling of deserve a reward for get done a lot of tasks that week, also my ritalin finished two weeks before my appointment. Which was another problem, because on the first six days of sobriety I took 40mg to feel less shit and give strength to my stupid brain. The doctor's recommended 20mg because of my height (the reason of ritalin is not only to help with my coke problems, can I not tell the main reason? Despite being too personal here, some informations I prefer to keep to myself). However my guilt for using drugs, feeling tired, having a hard time to start and finish tasks (specially the boring ones) since my childhood and the overwhelm felt after hours, and even days thinking about the tasks I needed to do were the key factors on my decision to take two more pills, despite the consequences while thinking on a mitigation approach to make the pills last while forcing my body to deal naturally with the lack of dopamine. The experiment failed, however that doesn't mean it was in vain... As a scientist, failed experiments are the opportunity to learn from the mistakes and move on. I don't want to give up.
Now that my body started to get used without the drug (I was consuming 1,5g or more everyday between January of 2024 and took the Easter's holiday to get clean) and more active, my plan is also cut the weekend use, while living without the ritalin support testing alternative methods to start tasks (what is working for me now is do my favourite intelectual task first as a reward of wake up early, eat and take care of my cats)... Not a fan of cold turkey, never worked for me unless I had to travel for studies or to visit my family. This time my strategy is keep studying out of my house (where I use). If anyone has suggestions on how to navigate the first days of coke cold turkey (physical symptoms are also present in my case), please feel free to suggest.
After the long contextualisation, let's talk about my cats: even sober I'm worried about their wellbeing, happiness and my mind insists to tell that they are not well and needs to go to the hospital ASAP.
Just to get clear: we use coke in a kitchen's drawer where the cats have no access. I'm always cleaning the drawer and furniture after using, looking for any dust on the floor and removing, then washing my hands and nose with soap and using alcohol when I have.
Not looking for a diagnose here, don't worry. Now I'll explain why I think my cats are dying.
For my male and older cat (4 years), he looks thin and is meowing at the front door every night at 10 PM a fews weeks ago. If we go get delivery food at night he tries to escape if we are not fast and tries to visit every floor of our building (he doesn't have interest on the entrance door at least - we live on the ground floor). He is meowing more than he uses too, but looks weaker and different. He doesn't stay in the top of the fridge anymore and sometimes tries to poo with no success.
He is sniffing a lot and I can hear him breathing getting closer to his face, he walks more clumsy and takes more time to jump (or he just stays on the floor). His chest is a little "fat" (that is my main worrying). He had gastritis too last year (got treatment, but after this I couldn't afford an ultrasound to check)... Must confess that everything involving stomach has been triggering me recently because my father got cancer there. I feel guilty for my cat being anxious and developed this. I feel guilty for choosing the wrong food to prevent this (even if was a food recommended by his vet). I feel guilty for the days I haven't played with him.
For my female and youngest cat (1) year. I think she lost a bit of weight, her agility and graciousness diminished. She is naturally energetic and a hunter, but she seems lost, looking up a lot, like she is looking for something. She seems scared. Looks like the strength of her back paws diminished when she jumps. Now she is the one on top.of the fridge. Her poop stinks more than the usual.
Yesterday I caught her carrying a gecko with her mouth and got nuts, because the cat can get sick and die due to the gecko (we have a garden, but that was the first time I've found a gecko here).
She loves to stay in the garden with the plants. I love this garden. However I feel guilty because I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO TAKE CARE OF A GARDEN (I never had one). The only thing I did was to clean before move in, take off all the toxic plants for cats thanks to some research and the Google, tried to kill the snails (worked for a while, but they came back), clean the cats poop (another thing that worries me... They use the garden and the litter box), always check potential dengue focus, give water and prune from time to time the remaining plants...This last one I left to be desired.
However, I have no idea of what I'm doing while looking for a way to crete the habit of gardening. My plant knowledge is ZERO, I just recognized the most popular toxic plants for cats deducing, googling and sending pictures to my father and two friends who lives in a farm. However, what if I missed a plant? Should I use insecticide? Fertilizer? The insecticides brings health problems for cats? My female cat loves to climb and scratch our bamboo palm...
What dangerous species I'm missing? What if a parasite is inside her? What if she catch a cold due to her habit of stay under the rain? What if the anti-flea and the vermifuge don't protect her? What if she at an insect while she was out of my view and dies (never saw her eating, just carrying roaches with the mounth to the living room to play)? What if some neighbours throw something poisonous on the garden when me and my husband were distracted or not home? Am I being too protective for monitoring her roaches interactions or I need to be more rigid? She is so sweet, brave, but has no sense of self preservation... I want to give her a beautiful Garden, with more plants where she could play, free from plagues for good, vivid...
She seems so sad these days...
Is stupid, but Google and YouTube made me more confused on this topic of gardening. These situations works for me if I have company, at least at the begining... Just because I love to learn and teach, while working on a project. Working alone is good, but I miss working on small groups.
Anyway, the guilt (because of coke, not being a functional adult like my parents and grandparents, for the times when my depression was too intense, for starting to work out home changing my male cat routine (the female wasn't born that time), for my female cat trembling on her first night after the neutralisation surgery and failed to comfort her, for leaving to work when my husband was getting clean from oxy and not staying home to give assistance, for my coke psychosis where one of my cats ended up on the vet or the hospital because my excess of worry, for closing the bedroom door one night where I needed to rest, leaving the cats out and causing the female cat to fall from the window of our former apartment (even with protection), for the times I had to take my female cat away from the notebook because I needed to work, for being a burden... Therapy and inner work are helping ... But bad days exist and I hate myself for not doing my best even in my worst.
Well, before this thread of a crazy cat lady desperate to talk, ends up with the same length of War and peace, but with the same quality of my cat's masterpiece exhibed on their litter box, my final question: how to stop to get worried with my cats even sober? I don't know how to trust on my observations. Is normal to be an adult who doesn't know what is doing?
Read about cats diseases and watch videos just made me more paranoid. With my cats is hard to be rational and think in a critical way.
Not an active member here, most of my posts topics involve my cats and coke and these one couldn't be different... But with a twist: I was on a period of sobriety when this happened.
First, let me explain how my journey to get sober, my tactic is not use the longest time I can using a "5 day rule" with ritalin to help and expanding one day when I reach the goal. It worked two weeks, however the consume from last weekend made me relapse. I'm aware of my mistake. The trigger was the feeling of deserve a reward for get done a lot of tasks that week, also my ritalin finished two weeks before my appointment. Which was another problem, because on the first six days of sobriety I took 40mg to feel less shit and give strength to my stupid brain. The doctor's recommended 20mg because of my height (the reason of ritalin is not only to help with my coke problems, can I not tell the main reason? Despite being too personal here, some informations I prefer to keep to myself). However my guilt for using drugs, feeling tired, having a hard time to start and finish tasks (specially the boring ones) since my childhood and the overwhelm felt after hours, and even days thinking about the tasks I needed to do were the key factors on my decision to take two more pills, despite the consequences while thinking on a mitigation approach to make the pills last while forcing my body to deal naturally with the lack of dopamine. The experiment failed, however that doesn't mean it was in vain... As a scientist, failed experiments are the opportunity to learn from the mistakes and move on. I don't want to give up.
Now that my body started to get used without the drug (I was consuming 1,5g or more everyday between January of 2024 and took the Easter's holiday to get clean) and more active, my plan is also cut the weekend use, while living without the ritalin support testing alternative methods to start tasks (what is working for me now is do my favourite intelectual task first as a reward of wake up early, eat and take care of my cats)... Not a fan of cold turkey, never worked for me unless I had to travel for studies or to visit my family. This time my strategy is keep studying out of my house (where I use). If anyone has suggestions on how to navigate the first days of coke cold turkey (physical symptoms are also present in my case), please feel free to suggest.
After the long contextualisation, let's talk about my cats: even sober I'm worried about their wellbeing, happiness and my mind insists to tell that they are not well and needs to go to the hospital ASAP.
Just to get clear: we use coke in a kitchen's drawer where the cats have no access. I'm always cleaning the drawer and furniture after using, looking for any dust on the floor and removing, then washing my hands and nose with soap and using alcohol when I have.
Not looking for a diagnose here, don't worry. Now I'll explain why I think my cats are dying.
For my male and older cat (4 years), he looks thin and is meowing at the front door every night at 10 PM a fews weeks ago. If we go get delivery food at night he tries to escape if we are not fast and tries to visit every floor of our building (he doesn't have interest on the entrance door at least - we live on the ground floor). He is meowing more than he uses too, but looks weaker and different. He doesn't stay in the top of the fridge anymore and sometimes tries to poo with no success.
He is sniffing a lot and I can hear him breathing getting closer to his face, he walks more clumsy and takes more time to jump (or he just stays on the floor). His chest is a little "fat" (that is my main worrying). He had gastritis too last year (got treatment, but after this I couldn't afford an ultrasound to check)... Must confess that everything involving stomach has been triggering me recently because my father got cancer there. I feel guilty for my cat being anxious and developed this. I feel guilty for choosing the wrong food to prevent this (even if was a food recommended by his vet). I feel guilty for the days I haven't played with him.
For my female and youngest cat (1) year. I think she lost a bit of weight, her agility and graciousness diminished. She is naturally energetic and a hunter, but she seems lost, looking up a lot, like she is looking for something. She seems scared. Looks like the strength of her back paws diminished when she jumps. Now she is the one on top.of the fridge. Her poop stinks more than the usual.
Yesterday I caught her carrying a gecko with her mouth and got nuts, because the cat can get sick and die due to the gecko (we have a garden, but that was the first time I've found a gecko here).
She loves to stay in the garden with the plants. I love this garden. However I feel guilty because I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO TAKE CARE OF A GARDEN (I never had one). The only thing I did was to clean before move in, take off all the toxic plants for cats thanks to some research and the Google, tried to kill the snails (worked for a while, but they came back), clean the cats poop (another thing that worries me... They use the garden and the litter box), always check potential dengue focus, give water and prune from time to time the remaining plants...This last one I left to be desired.
However, I have no idea of what I'm doing while looking for a way to crete the habit of gardening. My plant knowledge is ZERO, I just recognized the most popular toxic plants for cats deducing, googling and sending pictures to my father and two friends who lives in a farm. However, what if I missed a plant? Should I use insecticide? Fertilizer? The insecticides brings health problems for cats? My female cat loves to climb and scratch our bamboo palm...
What dangerous species I'm missing? What if a parasite is inside her? What if she catch a cold due to her habit of stay under the rain? What if the anti-flea and the vermifuge don't protect her? What if she at an insect while she was out of my view and dies (never saw her eating, just carrying roaches with the mounth to the living room to play)? What if some neighbours throw something poisonous on the garden when me and my husband were distracted or not home? Am I being too protective for monitoring her roaches interactions or I need to be more rigid? She is so sweet, brave, but has no sense of self preservation... I want to give her a beautiful Garden, with more plants where she could play, free from plagues for good, vivid...
She seems so sad these days...
Is stupid, but Google and YouTube made me more confused on this topic of gardening. These situations works for me if I have company, at least at the begining... Just because I love to learn and teach, while working on a project. Working alone is good, but I miss working on small groups.
Anyway, the guilt (because of coke, not being a functional adult like my parents and grandparents, for the times when my depression was too intense, for starting to work out home changing my male cat routine (the female wasn't born that time), for my female cat trembling on her first night after the neutralisation surgery and failed to comfort her, for leaving to work when my husband was getting clean from oxy and not staying home to give assistance, for my coke psychosis where one of my cats ended up on the vet or the hospital because my excess of worry, for closing the bedroom door one night where I needed to rest, leaving the cats out and causing the female cat to fall from the window of our former apartment (even with protection), for the times I had to take my female cat away from the notebook because I needed to work, for being a burden... Therapy and inner work are helping ... But bad days exist and I hate myself for not doing my best even in my worst.
Well, before this thread of a crazy cat lady desperate to talk, ends up with the same length of War and peace, but with the same quality of my cat's masterpiece exhibed on their litter box, my final question: how to stop to get worried with my cats even sober? I don't know how to trust on my observations. Is normal to be an adult who doesn't know what is doing?
Read about cats diseases and watch videos just made me more paranoid. With my cats is hard to be rational and think in a critical way.
