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Mental Health Emotional distance and depression

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Mjo95jr

Greenlighter
Joined
May 2, 2015
Messages
36
I haven't posted in a while, just lurking, but after a few months I feel like I may have found my issue. I have been searching for an answer for 2 years and don't have a clue.

I think I have an emotional problem, duh you say, depression is very much that. But that isn't what I mean, due to my depression I can't remember the last time I cried was. Some one asked me the other day and I have no clue. My emotional distance from myself - I don't really know how to feel - is ruining me. I seem normal on the outside and no one would ever know. People can't tell that I am constantly battling my depression and fighting back of my mind suicidal thoughts almost daily.

I am currently in therapy and have been for a year now, and nothing has gotten accomplished. I regret going and I want it to help, but I just don't see how. I am distant to my own emotions ando very often my depression turns outward into anger, I punch walls and desks to release some of the tension - and of course it doesn't help.

The reason I am posting this tonight is I began to think about everything that happened in my life over the last week. This was triggered when a girl I liked said she wanted to just be friends for now. I had gone on a date and kissed her already, for some simple info. But that isn't what is bothering me. It's my distance to emotion. I truly believe I have put up mental barriers to emotion that filter it out and keeps me neutral. I truly feel I am going to snap one day and do something terrible, be it to myself or someone else.

I guess what I am trying to say is... ...help... I have posted on here before and it helped a little. I still try to think positive, but I just can't help but feel this way.
 
Mjo95jr said:
I am currently in therapy and have been for a year now, and nothing has gotten accomplished. I regret going and I want it to help, but I just don't see how. I am distant to my own emotions ando very often my depression turns outward into anger, I punch walls and desks to release some of the tension - and of course it doesn't help.
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So, I get that you're a little down with your girl issues but it doesn't seem like the big issue here. What the big issue seems to be is your depression and anger and basically fear of exploding. I'm going to focus on the fact that you've been going to therapy for a year now and feeling like there has been no progressed. What orientation is your therapist? CBT, psychodynamic, humanistic, etc? DO you have a good relationship with your therapist? DO you feel like your therapist has been a good support system for you?
I feel important steps would be to confront your therapist about the lack of progress you are feeling during this year. Sometimes, you just aren't a good fit either with the type of therapist or the orientation.
 
I'm not quite sure what orientation my therapist is but she is very qualified and trained in many areas.
Additionally, I do have a good relationship with my therapist, at least I haven't found any problems.
More importantly I don't feel like my therapist, and therapy in general have been a good support system for me. The problem is I don't know what else to do if I don't go to therapy. I've tried drugs and they had little effects, specifically effexor and welbutrin.
We have discussed lack of progress and I am trying to make progress but I just haven't. I feel like I'm stuck.
 
SO, you are pretty happy with your therapist and the arrangement that you have but still are feeling "stuck". Stuck as in not advancing in life or not seeing change in yourself?
 
It's a little of both. I haven't been able to "fix" - for a lack of a better word - my problem, albeit a jaded way to view it. I haven't made progress into why or what causes the issues I have I'm just as lost as I was 2 years ago. I can't see or feel any progress.
 
I cleaned it up, sorry about that! Also I can only havever 4 for some reason
 
I also have noticed that I feel like I am numb with my emotions and when I do something that gets me into trouble with my family I don’t have any reaction to the yelling anymore I just sit there and take it but when my depression is really bad and I’m getting yelled at I feel like my family would be better off if I was dead and I have a lot of thoughts about wanting to hurt myself but I can never bring myself to do it so I really understand where you are coming from
 
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