N
NeedToSayThis
Guest
Emotional abuse is the worst form of abuse. It creeps up on you, disguised as something you welcome into your life. Arms wide open and heart on your sleeve. He will be your dream man, everything you ever wanted, until he isn’t anymore. And one day you don’t recognize the man you thought you loved, or the woman you see in the mirror. A seemingly harmless flicker of jealousy about a little “too much skin” can be played off as admirable protectiveness, until one day there is a mental checklist you instinctively go through to make sure the outfit you choose is not something that will attract attention, and you feel like a slut for ever wanting to put shorts on whenever he’s not with you. A seemingly harmless admission that he does not want to know your past makes you feel like a foolish dirty whore for ever sleeping with someone before him, because you thought being open and honest was the good thing to do and you were wrong. He won’t ever let you live that down. You’re a slut and he won’t ever see you as anything more. A once harmless night out with your absolute best friend becomes something you secretly dread because you know you’ll have to sneak “proof” pictures to show you are who you say you’re with, because god forbid your friends see you needing to do this for him, they will judge and they don’t understand. And trust me, he will make you prove you’re drinking water, save receipts or else. Especially if the location services for Apple are not lining up with the pictures you take, better get creative with proving yourself or he will think you are cheating. A seemingly harmless friendship with someone you have known for years will be made into a monster, something to avoid like the plague because how could you ever think a guy could be just a friend, when he’s clearly got another motive. You will only have girl friends, and even those will never be able to be close, you will subconsciously push your friends away, they’ll know less and less and hear from you more and more infrequently, and he will become your world, he will become the only thing that matters because that is how things should be in order to scrape the surface of making him pleased with you. But it will happen so subtly, that one day you wake up and he is all you have. And when you move for this person, it will seem to you that you did it to prove regardless of mistakes and the past, you wanted them. But he won’t see it that way, he didn’t ever want you. You gave up family, friends, a job, for him, he will know how much you love him then, or at least that is the hope, because nothing else is working. But no, not even that will be enough to make him love you. You once used to be praised for your optimism and input but now he will find you annoying and unsupportive the second you share your ideas, because they don’t matter to him and shouldn’t be acknowledged, not even by yourself. The things you do for him, the lunches that were so amazing before could now be better if you did or did not do something a certain way. The house you clean will eventually not be clean enough because you don’t do it every week. The laundry used to be a dual effort, the dishes too and you liked that but now he doesn’t help nor should he be expected because he has already gotten out of clothes he would want to sweat or get wet with dish-water. If things aren’t all done, the silent work of your partner to pick up the slack now becomes another item on the list you did not do and he will look down on you for. He will not recognize what you’ve done but will instead focus on the things you’ve yet to do. A seemingly harmless comment about going back to the gym becomes a routine you suddenly throw yourself into so you aren’t fluffy like he says you are, you know he doesn’t like fluffy and you don’t want to lose him. Times that should be fun, that you can swear on your life used to be fun, become so far off in the distance because now you’re on eggshells about screwing up, and I guarantee you, you’ll screw up. Where you used to keep up with his drinks and have an amazing intoxicated time, most of the time you will fight. Because of you, and don’t even think it’s his fault, nothing is ever his fault. And where you used to be able to be so open and free with him, you will have so much daily anxiety and stress that you suppress... You will worry so much that when finally you do let loose and tip a few too many back, you are an emotional mess that either wears a frown or a tear, and it is wrong for you to ever be emotional. So he will get mad at you and it is your fault for not keeping your neediness to yourself It’s because you can’t handle your alcohol and has absolutely nothing to do with him. You will be left to chase and beg for forgiveness for things you know aren’t really bad, wrong or even your fault but for fear of losing the now only person you feel you have, you will own everything and take it in stride. Or else. And where he once asked for space after a pretty heated fight, something you never reacted well to because distance scares you... well he will make that his go to, because he thrives off of your suffering. He will make your worst fears come true every time he is angry which is all the time because you’re always stepping out of imaginary lines, and he will switch between threats of not coming home, to leaving you and letting you know just how worthless you really are to him. He will watch you beg and scream and cry and he will laugh and not give a damn, you look pathetic and he doesn’t care. The more this happens, the easier his disconnection from him comes. You become weak and he becomes the master of your life, a puppeteer that controls your every movement. But he will stop, eventually, and he will wipe your tears and make you think the heartless person who gave absolutely zero shits about your feelings is gone and is replaced with someone who cares. But it is an act to keep you around. Where you once felt confident about your beauty, you question constantly and find yourself absentmindedly comparing yourself to the ex fiancé he kept secretly speaking to for months. Speaking of fiancé, don’t even dream of it sweetie. He will never marry you, and you are a foolish girl to think he would. Sure he bought the ring but when has he ever given you a ring that he didn’t throw in your face and wish he didn’t give you? Oh, never? It’s because you aren’t good enough. You never have been but he throws a few good and sweet words and pieces of jewelry your way to keep you believing that it’s you who’s the problem, but he “loves” you enough to stay and watch you “improve” which really means he will watch you struggle hopelessly to attain an image of perfection in his mind that is constantly guarded by every mistake you’ve made, you won’t ever break through because of one specific mistake you have tried desperately to bounce back from. You are the problem. You made the mistake. Therefore you make any mistake in the relationship and it’s over. It adds to the wall. And the mistakes in the relationship stand taller than the highest mountain. Which are all your fault, he is very good at manipulating every situation to be the victim especially since you fucked up, so good luck ever really making it with him. BUT YOU WILL STAY. You have to now, it’s been four years. No one else would put up with you, you’re the problem and he may throw you on the ground and give you concussions and bruises you have to blame on being clumsy... but oh it won’t happen again. But it does. And soon every single memory that should have been perfect is ruined because you are the problem. You are the broken one. You made a mistake that you won’t ever live down. You won’t ever earn his trust. You won’t ever be his forever. But that won’t stop you from trying because you are completely tainted, in more ways than you are willing to admit to the general public, and no one else but him could love you. You will die alone if he leaves you, and he will go marry mrs. happily ever after. Because you were just a toy. Someone young, easily impressionable and trainable to be his personal punching bag. Not literally, yet but he has admitted he wants to kill you. You think it won’t happen but don’t kid yourself hunny. He said he’d never hit you and he now claims self-defense after every bruise he leaves on your body, you were in his space and that sore throat from him choking you is your fault, he told you to get the fuck away you stupid crying bitch. He warned you so that makes it okay to throw your hysterical mess off of him. You are the problem. You are the reason the relationship is shit. Because emotional abuse is a creative beast that will disguise itself as your best friend and love of your life and will leave you a broken, broke and completely lost without him. So straighten up buttercup, this is only the first four years.
