Lost Ego
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2009
- Messages
- 1,455
""To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour..." - William Blake.
Let me begin with some background info... I'm a young man in 21st century america and I'm very much interested in psychology and philosophy. My religious views are strictly agnostic, i'm very open to learning anything about any religion somebody would wanna talk to about, just yesterday before my trip i was discussing Sikhism and Hinduism with my uncle, the only religious view I will never accept is that Christianity is the only way to interpret something we cannot ever fully understand. I'm still not sure about my political background, my granpa is a liberal democrat/constitutionalist(?) and is really the only one who ever talked to me about politics. I've always generally been very cynical and skeptical and rebellious and independent in my views, sort of like Albert Einstein was.
I just moved back in with my mom and made some money doing a bunch of yard work and junk. My new step-father told me that he didnt give a fuck if i smoked weed or was even shooting heroin in my room "as long as you're handling your business" he said. And i have been handling my business ever since i moved in so i figured i'd invest some of that money in some good ol' dxm (2 bottles which i calculated would take me to plateau 3) which i've been meaning to do for quite a while. I bought some weed as well - which i should mention i think i may be allergic to... As of late it's been making me paranoid and anxious as well as not just giving me cotton mouth but also drying the hell out of my airways and lungs and it often gets very hard to breathe when i smoke weed.
I had a long, eventful day yesterday - we had a spring barbeque with tons of people over and I went against my antisocial ways and actually bonded with many people for the first time in a while. After the party i became very introverted and went to my room [i was very proud of how i wasn't afraid to be myself whatsoever at the party]. After a little bit of debate i decided i'd do dxm last night. I should also mention that i strongly believe in something similar to this when it comes to how drugs interact with the soul/mind. I had a thread open about dxm and nausea which was also at the forefront of my mind. I've been reading this for the last few days.
Anyways so I'll copy and paste some of my trip report notes, later on in the notes i need to edit/re-interpret it so you understand what my drug induced thoughts meant.
At around 11:30/11:45 i downed 2 bottles of dxm only cough syrup. My stomach is relatively empty at this point. I used the pinch my nose method and downed the whole thing in 1 swig then washed it down with water, energy drink (to keep me awake and to give my mouth a different taste) and then a couple of dry, salty pretzels. After i drank it I felt good and excited. Nervousness set in shortly after when i realized I only had maybe an hour to prepare for the rest of my trip. I hurriedly began charging my ipod, downloading an armin van buuren trance tape (the newest one) and then began making a bong out of plastic with a downstem and removable bowl. This took me 15 mins. My mom and step-dad had gone to bed an hour prior and hoped i wouldnt wake them in my preparations [this is quite important for the rest of my trip, whenever i left my room i had to walk in complete darkness and be careful not to make any/too much noise, no matter what state of mind i was in]. I continued to prepare - I emptied my bowels and took a shower, I changed into basketball shorts and comfy boxers. I loaded the bong with weed, descended the stairs and placed it along with my weed in the garage.
+0:35: I return to my room, not sure if i'm feeling anything. I begin to write a post in the nasea + dxm thread when i realize i feel like i'm on a strong dose of vicodin, I've entered plateau #1 and i'm more excited than ever. Also the trance episode finally finishes in the knick of time and i press play on my computer + add it to my ipod.
(12:30)+45 mins: im listening to trance and feeling euphoric and my nervous system feels depressed, slowed, suppressed, the robotrip is beginning.
I continue coming up and this is where weed enters my mind. "I want to smoke nowwww!" but "wait i'll just wait a little bit I wanna get closer to the peak b4 i smoke" but ok "i'll wait 10 more mins". I read some Ram Dass - Be Here Now and i'm more keenly aware than ever how significant his writings are and I can relate to everything he says.
+0:55 mins I can't wait another minute, i grab a lighter and head down to the garage. Walking is already a little awkward. thinking is still clear. I smoke my bowl which is already loaded, I hold the smoke in for 20 seconds and cough it out, sucking in as much oxygen i can afterwards. I take 4 rips... (with very little tolerance to weed at this point). I reload the bong and ascend the stairs, I get lost in thought on my way to my room. I close my door and there is music and it's heavenly and i'm dancing to it. I practice kung fu and think about fighting theory for what seems like hours, it definitely got my blood flowing, i sit down and meditate for again what feels like hours. I think to myself "well this is fun, the trip must be near over by now". I sit back down at my computer, open my trip report log and see the last thing i wrote "(12:40) +55 mins can't wait any longer i'm gonna smoke now." and right now its 12:57.
12:57: "entering the rabbit hole". I'm completely mind fucked. I can't believe how slowed down time is. It seriously felt like hours upon hours had passed through me. I close my eyes and get lost in the music. Complete time distortion. Closed eyed visuals which relate to thought - If i'm thinking about mario kart, i see mario kart, if i'm thinking about the words "i am" then i see the words i am. I get lost in this for a while. I could have sworn this moment could have lasted forever.
1:03 (+1:15) I again come out of it and look at the time, I'm in complete awe that an infinity could only last 5 minutes. I open the visualizer on winamp and its quite mind blowing just watching it. Idk how long i stared at this for. The visualizer is a bit like the ink blots that psychologists used to use to see what people interpreted and used that to decide what's going on inside the mind. I used the same method. I realized this when i was looking at it and started thinking that the visualizer knew what i was thinking but it was the other way around, i knew what i was thinking and i was associating it with the images on the screen. What i found is that it's very limiting, and you can't fully describe drug induced thought with what is dynamic, ever changing art. It just wasn't enough. I decided after some period of time that i'd do some yoga and meditate in my bed. I turned the lights off and layed down. In the next period of time i had an epiphany, i recalled a memory that had been bugging me, a thorn on my side, something i had repressed since i was very young. It had to do with a tragedy in my family. I shed a few tears for my now dead grand mother and came up with a resolution that I had to ask my granpa about it directly, he may stonewall me and hate me but it's necessary, i have to know the truth. Realizing this lifted a burden off my shoulders and it felt amazing. Again it had not felt like only 1 hour but longer. The next i checked it was 1:07.
1:07 (+1:20) I decided that was enough of going into my subconscious and i just wanted to enjoy it but i couldnt help it for long. At this point i'm keenly aware of my heart beat, breathing, blood in my veins and how human i am. I'm definitely in plataeu #3 at this point and blown away at the time distortion... I have nausea whenever i think of the word nausea, at one point(actually more like a few times) i was bent over a bucket waiting for it to come out but it never did. My throat was extremely dry and i kept trying to fix it by drinking water, 2 water bottles later i'm still dying of thirst.
At this point I think about how there is the ego, the subconscious and something below it. I realize that what is below it is which part of us that resides inside our dreams. What lies below our subconscious is our own personal god. Our god lives in our dream world. If we have our own god that makes sense why anybodys morals cant ever be subjectifyed. and you pray to your own god which you are but an extension of. And the i wrote: "Each one of us has our own god! Why haven't i thought of this before? Morals apply to your own god. we're all god. I FEEL LIKE GOD! fuuuuuuuuck and the music drops. wtf. WOAH. Thoughts are directly sent from our god. our god is beneath our subconscious mind. our id or whatever is god. this is my religion. Who you are always depends on, for me atleast, who you wanna be. always strive for better. i express who i want to be through typing. what i type is a word of a god. who i want to be is who i become. i am me. me am god. god am me. you too..." [I might repost this in p&s, though i'm not sure if i wanna hear it get disproven.] At this point i let the weight of that sentence sink in... Typing inside my trip report as i experienced it was the only thing that made time act somewhat normally as apposed to 1 epoch per second. I started getting paranoid that I was getting too close to the truth and that someone would want to kill me for it, it didnt take me long to talk myself out of that negative nonsense. At this point i saved it to notepad and began typing more, what i typed for the next 30 mins is now lost - somewhere around 1:40-2:00 my computer spontaneously restarted. It's as if i got too close to the truth with words and it had to be erased by the universe. When i finally got my computer back up and running with music it was 2:00
(+2:15) At this point all of my abilities to think and type were impaired. The most i could muster was "typing is a bitch". Whenever I had a negative thought i would meditate which would always lead to closed eye hallucinations, they got quite intricate but i couldnt quite break the barrier between the dream realm and this one, I couldnt focus on the visuals for long enough to make them turn into something amazing. As soon as i would begin thinking about the visuals with my ego they would be wiped away and i'd be brought back to reality. I could feel the truth but i could no longer articulate it. I layed in bed for maybe another hour, i think the comedown began at this point. I kept trying to master controlling the closed eyed visuals. It felt like it came in tiers. tier 1 - colors. tier 2 - 2 dimensional shapes/letters rotating and dancing. tier 3 - 3 dimension objects with little control over what i can do with them (ex. mario kart driving but i can't control how he drives/moves very well - just swerves back and forth on a thin road i can barely form). tier 4 - real world graphics and simulations with psychedelic properties and characteristics, sometimes somewhat pixelated (on another dxm trip i remember a completely white plane of existence with me sitting nearby on a white throne in 3rd person and then i melt into white goo on the floor). tier 5 - the lucid dream - usually contains some sort of adventure through your mind. I kept trying to get to tier 4 but i never could, it seems more prevelant in plateau #4 of dxm or a high dose of lsd for me.
3:00-5(+3:15-5:15) i lay in bed, slightly unconscious, i wanted to sleep. i faded in and out of somewhat lucid dreams which i was completely aware of, and in some of them i had lost my ego and was observing myself. i meditated and listened to my ipod. i turned on my lava lamp at this point ( a bit late i suppose, there's always next time ) but i could barely see it with my double vision. i dont remember much of this 2 hour period. I remember at some point thinking someone was saying that "i was dying" over and over again(definitely caused by stress leftover from my last dxm trip where i hit plateau 4 and vomited from dizzyness at which point my mom walked in, saw the whole scene and called poison control, she thought i was committing suicide and sent me to the hospital. During this period of thinking about death i had out of body experiences which were very vague and brief. At around 5 am i remembered i still had weed downstairs and went to smoke. I cleaned up my bong, grabbed another water bottle and went back upstairs. I layed back down and finally passed out for maybe an hour. When i came to i was halfway sober, my vision was still affected and i was still robo-walking. I dozed off again.
After about 8 hours later i woke up and began my day by writing this, trying to recall all that i can. I really enjoyed this trip, despite the nausea and cognitive impairment. I will definitely do it again! I hope you finally see the significance of this quote to me.
"To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour..." - William Blake.
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour..." - William Blake.
Let me begin with some background info... I'm a young man in 21st century america and I'm very much interested in psychology and philosophy. My religious views are strictly agnostic, i'm very open to learning anything about any religion somebody would wanna talk to about, just yesterday before my trip i was discussing Sikhism and Hinduism with my uncle, the only religious view I will never accept is that Christianity is the only way to interpret something we cannot ever fully understand. I'm still not sure about my political background, my granpa is a liberal democrat/constitutionalist(?) and is really the only one who ever talked to me about politics. I've always generally been very cynical and skeptical and rebellious and independent in my views, sort of like Albert Einstein was.
I just moved back in with my mom and made some money doing a bunch of yard work and junk. My new step-father told me that he didnt give a fuck if i smoked weed or was even shooting heroin in my room "as long as you're handling your business" he said. And i have been handling my business ever since i moved in so i figured i'd invest some of that money in some good ol' dxm (2 bottles which i calculated would take me to plateau 3) which i've been meaning to do for quite a while. I bought some weed as well - which i should mention i think i may be allergic to... As of late it's been making me paranoid and anxious as well as not just giving me cotton mouth but also drying the hell out of my airways and lungs and it often gets very hard to breathe when i smoke weed.
I had a long, eventful day yesterday - we had a spring barbeque with tons of people over and I went against my antisocial ways and actually bonded with many people for the first time in a while. After the party i became very introverted and went to my room [i was very proud of how i wasn't afraid to be myself whatsoever at the party]. After a little bit of debate i decided i'd do dxm last night. I should also mention that i strongly believe in something similar to this when it comes to how drugs interact with the soul/mind. I had a thread open about dxm and nausea which was also at the forefront of my mind. I've been reading this for the last few days.
Anyways so I'll copy and paste some of my trip report notes, later on in the notes i need to edit/re-interpret it so you understand what my drug induced thoughts meant.
At around 11:30/11:45 i downed 2 bottles of dxm only cough syrup. My stomach is relatively empty at this point. I used the pinch my nose method and downed the whole thing in 1 swig then washed it down with water, energy drink (to keep me awake and to give my mouth a different taste) and then a couple of dry, salty pretzels. After i drank it I felt good and excited. Nervousness set in shortly after when i realized I only had maybe an hour to prepare for the rest of my trip. I hurriedly began charging my ipod, downloading an armin van buuren trance tape (the newest one) and then began making a bong out of plastic with a downstem and removable bowl. This took me 15 mins. My mom and step-dad had gone to bed an hour prior and hoped i wouldnt wake them in my preparations [this is quite important for the rest of my trip, whenever i left my room i had to walk in complete darkness and be careful not to make any/too much noise, no matter what state of mind i was in]. I continued to prepare - I emptied my bowels and took a shower, I changed into basketball shorts and comfy boxers. I loaded the bong with weed, descended the stairs and placed it along with my weed in the garage.
+0:35: I return to my room, not sure if i'm feeling anything. I begin to write a post in the nasea + dxm thread when i realize i feel like i'm on a strong dose of vicodin, I've entered plateau #1 and i'm more excited than ever. Also the trance episode finally finishes in the knick of time and i press play on my computer + add it to my ipod.
(12:30)+45 mins: im listening to trance and feeling euphoric and my nervous system feels depressed, slowed, suppressed, the robotrip is beginning.
I continue coming up and this is where weed enters my mind. "I want to smoke nowwww!" but "wait i'll just wait a little bit I wanna get closer to the peak b4 i smoke" but ok "i'll wait 10 more mins". I read some Ram Dass - Be Here Now and i'm more keenly aware than ever how significant his writings are and I can relate to everything he says.
+0:55 mins I can't wait another minute, i grab a lighter and head down to the garage. Walking is already a little awkward. thinking is still clear. I smoke my bowl which is already loaded, I hold the smoke in for 20 seconds and cough it out, sucking in as much oxygen i can afterwards. I take 4 rips... (with very little tolerance to weed at this point). I reload the bong and ascend the stairs, I get lost in thought on my way to my room. I close my door and there is music and it's heavenly and i'm dancing to it. I practice kung fu and think about fighting theory for what seems like hours, it definitely got my blood flowing, i sit down and meditate for again what feels like hours. I think to myself "well this is fun, the trip must be near over by now". I sit back down at my computer, open my trip report log and see the last thing i wrote "(12:40) +55 mins can't wait any longer i'm gonna smoke now." and right now its 12:57.
12:57: "entering the rabbit hole". I'm completely mind fucked. I can't believe how slowed down time is. It seriously felt like hours upon hours had passed through me. I close my eyes and get lost in the music. Complete time distortion. Closed eyed visuals which relate to thought - If i'm thinking about mario kart, i see mario kart, if i'm thinking about the words "i am" then i see the words i am. I get lost in this for a while. I could have sworn this moment could have lasted forever.
1:03 (+1:15) I again come out of it and look at the time, I'm in complete awe that an infinity could only last 5 minutes. I open the visualizer on winamp and its quite mind blowing just watching it. Idk how long i stared at this for. The visualizer is a bit like the ink blots that psychologists used to use to see what people interpreted and used that to decide what's going on inside the mind. I used the same method. I realized this when i was looking at it and started thinking that the visualizer knew what i was thinking but it was the other way around, i knew what i was thinking and i was associating it with the images on the screen. What i found is that it's very limiting, and you can't fully describe drug induced thought with what is dynamic, ever changing art. It just wasn't enough. I decided after some period of time that i'd do some yoga and meditate in my bed. I turned the lights off and layed down. In the next period of time i had an epiphany, i recalled a memory that had been bugging me, a thorn on my side, something i had repressed since i was very young. It had to do with a tragedy in my family. I shed a few tears for my now dead grand mother and came up with a resolution that I had to ask my granpa about it directly, he may stonewall me and hate me but it's necessary, i have to know the truth. Realizing this lifted a burden off my shoulders and it felt amazing. Again it had not felt like only 1 hour but longer. The next i checked it was 1:07.
1:07 (+1:20) I decided that was enough of going into my subconscious and i just wanted to enjoy it but i couldnt help it for long. At this point i'm keenly aware of my heart beat, breathing, blood in my veins and how human i am. I'm definitely in plataeu #3 at this point and blown away at the time distortion... I have nausea whenever i think of the word nausea, at one point(actually more like a few times) i was bent over a bucket waiting for it to come out but it never did. My throat was extremely dry and i kept trying to fix it by drinking water, 2 water bottles later i'm still dying of thirst.
At this point I think about how there is the ego, the subconscious and something below it. I realize that what is below it is which part of us that resides inside our dreams. What lies below our subconscious is our own personal god. Our god lives in our dream world. If we have our own god that makes sense why anybodys morals cant ever be subjectifyed. and you pray to your own god which you are but an extension of. And the i wrote: "Each one of us has our own god! Why haven't i thought of this before? Morals apply to your own god. we're all god. I FEEL LIKE GOD! fuuuuuuuuck and the music drops. wtf. WOAH. Thoughts are directly sent from our god. our god is beneath our subconscious mind. our id or whatever is god. this is my religion. Who you are always depends on, for me atleast, who you wanna be. always strive for better. i express who i want to be through typing. what i type is a word of a god. who i want to be is who i become. i am me. me am god. god am me. you too..." [I might repost this in p&s, though i'm not sure if i wanna hear it get disproven.] At this point i let the weight of that sentence sink in... Typing inside my trip report as i experienced it was the only thing that made time act somewhat normally as apposed to 1 epoch per second. I started getting paranoid that I was getting too close to the truth and that someone would want to kill me for it, it didnt take me long to talk myself out of that negative nonsense. At this point i saved it to notepad and began typing more, what i typed for the next 30 mins is now lost - somewhere around 1:40-2:00 my computer spontaneously restarted. It's as if i got too close to the truth with words and it had to be erased by the universe. When i finally got my computer back up and running with music it was 2:00
(+2:15) At this point all of my abilities to think and type were impaired. The most i could muster was "typing is a bitch". Whenever I had a negative thought i would meditate which would always lead to closed eye hallucinations, they got quite intricate but i couldnt quite break the barrier between the dream realm and this one, I couldnt focus on the visuals for long enough to make them turn into something amazing. As soon as i would begin thinking about the visuals with my ego they would be wiped away and i'd be brought back to reality. I could feel the truth but i could no longer articulate it. I layed in bed for maybe another hour, i think the comedown began at this point. I kept trying to master controlling the closed eyed visuals. It felt like it came in tiers. tier 1 - colors. tier 2 - 2 dimensional shapes/letters rotating and dancing. tier 3 - 3 dimension objects with little control over what i can do with them (ex. mario kart driving but i can't control how he drives/moves very well - just swerves back and forth on a thin road i can barely form). tier 4 - real world graphics and simulations with psychedelic properties and characteristics, sometimes somewhat pixelated (on another dxm trip i remember a completely white plane of existence with me sitting nearby on a white throne in 3rd person and then i melt into white goo on the floor). tier 5 - the lucid dream - usually contains some sort of adventure through your mind. I kept trying to get to tier 4 but i never could, it seems more prevelant in plateau #4 of dxm or a high dose of lsd for me.
3:00-5(+3:15-5:15) i lay in bed, slightly unconscious, i wanted to sleep. i faded in and out of somewhat lucid dreams which i was completely aware of, and in some of them i had lost my ego and was observing myself. i meditated and listened to my ipod. i turned on my lava lamp at this point ( a bit late i suppose, there's always next time ) but i could barely see it with my double vision. i dont remember much of this 2 hour period. I remember at some point thinking someone was saying that "i was dying" over and over again(definitely caused by stress leftover from my last dxm trip where i hit plateau 4 and vomited from dizzyness at which point my mom walked in, saw the whole scene and called poison control, she thought i was committing suicide and sent me to the hospital. During this period of thinking about death i had out of body experiences which were very vague and brief. At around 5 am i remembered i still had weed downstairs and went to smoke. I cleaned up my bong, grabbed another water bottle and went back upstairs. I layed back down and finally passed out for maybe an hour. When i came to i was halfway sober, my vision was still affected and i was still robo-walking. I dozed off again.
After about 8 hours later i woke up and began my day by writing this, trying to recall all that i can. I really enjoyed this trip, despite the nausea and cognitive impairment. I will definitely do it again! I hope you finally see the significance of this quote to me.
"To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour..." - William Blake.
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. So pretty much [question incoming] we are highly evolved all the way down from subatomic particles and if u were drawing it, the building blocks of the entire universe would be in the middle - dark matter + subatomic particles - and us conscious beings being the epitome of evolution thus far, living in the 3rd dimension at the outside of the drawing. just imagine if we could evolve to see 4 or 5 dimensions