The business I've been living off of for 2 years is starting to fail.
For the past two years, I made my living as a freelance writer on sites like elance and odesk. I don't know if any of you have ever done this before but it's a tough racket. I was one of the few who was able to make a full time living at it. At my peak, I was charging $45 an hour for writing web copy. That didn't add up to a whole lot, my 2013 income was only 28k. But for someone who has had SO MANY career disasters in his life... There was a minute there when I thought I'd arrived.
I know that that probably sounds ridiculous. To think of $28k as a freelance writer as some kind of career triumph must sound absurd. But if you knew me, you'd know it really was. For two years, a half decade long story of failed jobs at McDonald's, call centers, gas stations and coffee shops finally seemed to have ended. I finally thought I was getting somewhere.
Well, flash forward to now.
I don't know what happened but the freelance sites just aren't a good source of leads anymore. I've been making barely any money since the beginning of march. A lot of people on the freelance discussion boards have observed this. You can't make a full time living on these sites anymore, all the legit clients have withdrawn.
This month, for the first time in 2 years, I am faced with the very real prospect of not being able to pay my rent.
And it's entirely my own fault.
Perhaps a little background information would help here.
I've never been someone who had his shit together. I always had poor attendance at school, did poorly at jobs... And of course, problems with substance abuse.
I was always really peculiar in that I never had one HUGE problem. I was never the guy who woke up hungover in an alleyway, but I've had so many persistent problems in so many areas of my life that I might as well have been. I've always been overweight. I've never been able to hold down a job for long. I've always smoked (and tried sooo many times in vain to quit). I've always drank. In the past few years, I've been spending way too much money coke. Before I had enough money to do coke I was prescribed ritalin and I abused it like a motherfucker. On top of that I could never hold a job very long and I never really had much of a social life. I haven't had a real girlfriend since high school and I'm 25 now...
... Oh and I suck with money too. Massive credit problems and a sizable amount of debt, which I made some progress on but won't be able to continue paying off since my newfound business woes will make paying last year's tax bill very difficult. If I can't get my shit together I may be paying by 2013 tax bill until the end of this year.
Do you see where I'm going?
It's not that I'm catastrophically fucked in any one area... It's just that I'm generally fucked across the board in SO MANY WAYS.
Which explains the peculiar nature of my problem. Where the fuck do I even start? I can't get my money together, I can't keep a job or a business going for long, I have no real friends, I'm overweight. Every attempt to get in shape I've ever embarked on fails miserably after a few months.
Do I just hate myself? Is it like on some subconscious level I'm TRYING to fuck my own shit up??
I know that sounds like a dark and somewhat creepy thought but I've been raging against this bullshit for almost 10 years and normal "solve problem A through strategy Y" thinking just won't do it for me. My problems MUST have some deep psychological roots because the essence of my problem is, I CAN'T force myself to do anything about them, even though I know damn well what they are and how other people have solved similar problems in the past. I've tried all the standard tricks for solving these problems, but I just can't muster the motivation to keep going.
For most of the past two years, when I actually was making some money, I completely blew it by spending that money on booze, drugs and cigarettes. I'd drink up to 5 nights a week. Smoke a pack a day. Spend $300+ sometimes on the weekend on coke. It was SO FUCKING STUPID! And now here I am with my business falling apart with NO BACKUP CASH SAVED because I couldn't save any money because I was blowing it on booze and drugs.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS FUCKING CURSE!!!
I've read the psychology textbooks, I haven't seen any diagnosis for "general massive failure of the will." But that's the only way I can think to describe my problem.
In my life, I have had TWO moments where something good seemed to be happening.
In the summer after 12th grade, I got a girlfriend for the first time. Not by any effort of my own mind you, this naive girl approached this train wreck and for some reason saw something in him, which must have been one of the worst mistakes in her life. This gave me some validation, some sexual experiences, and a social circle. For a minute there, I thought I'd arrived.
Nah, no dice, Jimmy.
Within 5 months, I'd found a way to throw that one all away.
I'd never get similar luck again.
The second "lucky break" I got was of course these past 2 years, with the freelance writing. Well, I've already told you what happened there. In a way I'm not as hard on myself as I was about throwing away the relationship. I didn't "throw away" freelance writing; I did make some effort with it, it's just the platforms I used to find clients just stopped working. So it's not necessarily a huge fuckup on my part. But still, every self employed person has heard the advice, "you better start saving money for when the dry spell comes." I didn't do that. Instead I developed a coke habit. So part of the fuckedupedness of this situation is on me.
You done fucked up, Jimmy.
I don't know what the fuck to do.
I've been reading this advice book about building a freelance writing business, trying to look up ways of building a clientele outside of the freelance sites I've been relying on. The book mentions using cold calling as a strategy but frankly I just shrink at the idea of doing that.
But I have to do fuckin' SOMETHING! I can't go back living with my parents. I beat myself up over that so hard when I was 22, to go back there again at 25 would be such a defeat. It would be so demoralizing.
For the past two years, I made my living as a freelance writer on sites like elance and odesk. I don't know if any of you have ever done this before but it's a tough racket. I was one of the few who was able to make a full time living at it. At my peak, I was charging $45 an hour for writing web copy. That didn't add up to a whole lot, my 2013 income was only 28k. But for someone who has had SO MANY career disasters in his life... There was a minute there when I thought I'd arrived.
I know that that probably sounds ridiculous. To think of $28k as a freelance writer as some kind of career triumph must sound absurd. But if you knew me, you'd know it really was. For two years, a half decade long story of failed jobs at McDonald's, call centers, gas stations and coffee shops finally seemed to have ended. I finally thought I was getting somewhere.
Well, flash forward to now.
I don't know what happened but the freelance sites just aren't a good source of leads anymore. I've been making barely any money since the beginning of march. A lot of people on the freelance discussion boards have observed this. You can't make a full time living on these sites anymore, all the legit clients have withdrawn.
This month, for the first time in 2 years, I am faced with the very real prospect of not being able to pay my rent.
And it's entirely my own fault.
Perhaps a little background information would help here.
I've never been someone who had his shit together. I always had poor attendance at school, did poorly at jobs... And of course, problems with substance abuse.
I was always really peculiar in that I never had one HUGE problem. I was never the guy who woke up hungover in an alleyway, but I've had so many persistent problems in so many areas of my life that I might as well have been. I've always been overweight. I've never been able to hold down a job for long. I've always smoked (and tried sooo many times in vain to quit). I've always drank. In the past few years, I've been spending way too much money coke. Before I had enough money to do coke I was prescribed ritalin and I abused it like a motherfucker. On top of that I could never hold a job very long and I never really had much of a social life. I haven't had a real girlfriend since high school and I'm 25 now...
... Oh and I suck with money too. Massive credit problems and a sizable amount of debt, which I made some progress on but won't be able to continue paying off since my newfound business woes will make paying last year's tax bill very difficult. If I can't get my shit together I may be paying by 2013 tax bill until the end of this year.
Do you see where I'm going?
It's not that I'm catastrophically fucked in any one area... It's just that I'm generally fucked across the board in SO MANY WAYS.
Which explains the peculiar nature of my problem. Where the fuck do I even start? I can't get my money together, I can't keep a job or a business going for long, I have no real friends, I'm overweight. Every attempt to get in shape I've ever embarked on fails miserably after a few months.
Do I just hate myself? Is it like on some subconscious level I'm TRYING to fuck my own shit up??
I know that sounds like a dark and somewhat creepy thought but I've been raging against this bullshit for almost 10 years and normal "solve problem A through strategy Y" thinking just won't do it for me. My problems MUST have some deep psychological roots because the essence of my problem is, I CAN'T force myself to do anything about them, even though I know damn well what they are and how other people have solved similar problems in the past. I've tried all the standard tricks for solving these problems, but I just can't muster the motivation to keep going.
For most of the past two years, when I actually was making some money, I completely blew it by spending that money on booze, drugs and cigarettes. I'd drink up to 5 nights a week. Smoke a pack a day. Spend $300+ sometimes on the weekend on coke. It was SO FUCKING STUPID! And now here I am with my business falling apart with NO BACKUP CASH SAVED because I couldn't save any money because I was blowing it on booze and drugs.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS FUCKING CURSE!!!
I've read the psychology textbooks, I haven't seen any diagnosis for "general massive failure of the will." But that's the only way I can think to describe my problem.
In my life, I have had TWO moments where something good seemed to be happening.
In the summer after 12th grade, I got a girlfriend for the first time. Not by any effort of my own mind you, this naive girl approached this train wreck and for some reason saw something in him, which must have been one of the worst mistakes in her life. This gave me some validation, some sexual experiences, and a social circle. For a minute there, I thought I'd arrived.
Nah, no dice, Jimmy.
Within 5 months, I'd found a way to throw that one all away.
I'd never get similar luck again.
The second "lucky break" I got was of course these past 2 years, with the freelance writing. Well, I've already told you what happened there. In a way I'm not as hard on myself as I was about throwing away the relationship. I didn't "throw away" freelance writing; I did make some effort with it, it's just the platforms I used to find clients just stopped working. So it's not necessarily a huge fuckup on my part. But still, every self employed person has heard the advice, "you better start saving money for when the dry spell comes." I didn't do that. Instead I developed a coke habit. So part of the fuckedupedness of this situation is on me.
You done fucked up, Jimmy.
I don't know what the fuck to do.
I've been reading this advice book about building a freelance writing business, trying to look up ways of building a clientele outside of the freelance sites I've been relying on. The book mentions using cold calling as a strategy but frankly I just shrink at the idea of doing that.
But I have to do fuckin' SOMETHING! I can't go back living with my parents. I beat myself up over that so hard when I was 22, to go back there again at 25 would be such a defeat. It would be so demoralizing.
