Rybee
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 29, 2013
- Messages
- 1,305
Hi Mods
Thread Location Question
I'd greatly appreciate it if you could move this thread to where you think it's most suitable on BL. I toyed with Sober Living/Mental Health/Healthy Living/Philosophy and Spirituality as well as European & African Drug Discussion as the retreat will be in England, but then again, the courses are taught worldwide so that didn't figure.
Personally I am leaning towards it going in Philosophy & Spirituality but it's my first thread on meditation and I only frequent niche sub-forums of bluelight (mainly Other Drugs and Mental Health) so was hoping you'd come across more threads on meditation/mindfulness and would know where to place it?
please feel free to delete the above text to clear the thread when and appropriate forum has been identified.
Hi all.
I feel very guilty for doing something morally wrong and I'm worried, as I think I've consequently lost a life changing opportunity, but I'm not sure how serious it is.
I've been practicing Meditation/Vipassana/Mindfulness/Dzogchen for around 4 months now and I feel ready to take it up a more serious notch and sign up to one of S.N. Goenka's 10x Day Silent Vipassana Meditation Retreat Course in England. I'm well aware of the their strict Code of Discipline. The foundation of the practice is sīla — moral conduct. Sīla provides a basis for the development of samādhi — concentration of mind; and purification of the mind is achieved through paññā — the wisdom of insight. When applying, I read and signed a declaration that I would obey the sīla - the five following codes of conduct whilst learning and committed to completing the 10 day silent retreat:
1 - to abstain from killing any being - no problem
2 - to abstain from stealing - no problem
3 - to abstain from all sexual activity - Like most males, I masturbate, but can abstain. no problem
4 - to abstain from all intoxicants - As a chronic prescription & non prescription drug user - problem
5 - to abstain from telling lies - Well I lied in my disclosed answer to question 4 above - problem
I cannot put in words how important Vipassana/Meditation has become to me in the last 4 months and I was desperate to sign up to the retreat. With my past drug addiction, use & abuse of intoxicants coupled with the demand for places being high... In desperation of wanting to be accepted, I breached code 4 by lying about my previous drug use/abuse in my answers as I thought it'd help me get accepted on to the course instead of rejected. The full application form is here to read --->
www.dhamma.org/en/docs/forms/appform-en.pdf
The first questions are generic so you can skip to the boxed questions starting at no.1 and I'll tell you the question, my answer, and the truth.
Question 1) Do you have any current physical health problems, medical conditions or diseases? If yes, please give details (dates, symptoms, duration, treatment, and present condition).
Answer 1) I played it down by stating a small compression fracture in left vertebrae facet of my lumbar spine.
Truth 1) I actually have a large fracture in one of my vertebrates and a herniated spinal disc. I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder as well as Chronic Daily Migraine. Furthermore, I omitted all dates, symptoms, duration, treatments and present conditions.
Question 2) Pregnancy - N/A (I'm male)
Question 3) Do you have, or have you ever had, any mental health problems such as significant depression or anxiety, panic attacks, manic depression, schizophrenia, etc.? If yes, please give details (dates, symptoms, duration, hospitalization, treatment, and present condition).
Answer 3) No - None.
Truth 3) I have a 5 year history of mental health problems. Significant Major Depressive Disorder, Severe Generalised Anxiety Attacks, Psychosis. Furthermore, I omitted all dates, symptoms, duration, my hospitalisations, treatments, and present condition.
Question 4) Are you now taking, or have you taken within the past two years, any alcohol or drugs (such as
marijuana, amphetamines, barbiturates, cocaine, heroin, or other intoxicants)? If yes, please give details (dates, types, amounts, addictions, treatment, and present use).
Answer 4) Previous intermittent use of alcohol
Truth 4) I was an opiate addict for 2 years, having taken Codeine/Tramadol/DHC/Morphine/Tapentadol/Oxycodone/Fentanyl. I had a Benzo 'problem' for 1 year and have abused pretty much all of the common Benzos on the market. I've smoked marijuana. I've taken amphetamines. I've taken cocaine. I've taken many other intoxicants such as LSD and plenty of other general pharmaceutical drugs/intoxicants with the potential for abuse. Other than stating minor alcohol use, I gave no dates, no types, no amounts, no treatment, no disclosure of addictions or present use.
Question 5) Are you now taking, or have you taken within the past two years, any prescribed medication? If yes,
please give details (dates, types, dosage, and present use).
Answer 5) Yes - 90mg Morphine Sulfate for pain relief of my small compression fracture in left vertebrae facet of my lumbar spine
Truth 5) I have taken many prescribed medications over the last 2 years. I'm currently prescribed 120mg of Morphine per day and 300mg Lyrica. I have been prescribed: 4x10mg Oxycodone per day, 2x100mg XR Tapentadol/Nucynta/Palexia and 50ug Fentanyl Patches. I've also taken a whole whole host of prescribed Benzodiazepines and Z-Drugs. I've also been prescribed Prozac/Fluoxetine, Effexor, Venlafaxine/ Cymbalta/Duloxetine, Agomelatine/Valdoxan and a whole range of Tricylics for neuropathic pain management. I've also been prescribed a whole host of anti-epileptic drugs for my chronic migraines. I gave no information of dates, dosage (other than Morphine) and present use
Question 1) Do you have any current physical health problems, medical conditions or diseases? If yes, please give details (dates, symptoms, duration, treatment, and present condition).
Answer 1) I played it down by stating a small compression fracture in left vertebrae facet of my lumbar spine.
Truth 1) I actually have a large fracture in one of my vertebrates and a herniated spinal disc. I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder as well as Chronic Daily Migraine. Furthermore, I omitted all dates, symptoms, duration, treatments and present conditions.
My application was submitted and I received the following email instantly this morning asking for further clarification on my answers. Questions in bold and purposely brief answers are in italics.
Question 1) Give a complete account of your physical and/or mental health problems, past and present. Include the diagnoses, duration, dates and hospitalisation.
Answer 1) Small compression fracture in left vertebrae facet of spine
Question 2) List your use of prescription and non-prescription medication, past and present. Include details of the dates, periods of usage, dosage, frequency of use and any problems encountered.
Answer 2) Currently taking 90mg Morphine Sulfate for back pain caused by spinal compression fracture.
Question 3) List your use of alcohol and other drugs, past and present. Include details of the dates and periods of usage, amounts of usage, frequency, any addictions and treatments.
Answer 3) Infrequent use of alcohol in the past 8 years.
Question 4) Are you presently under a doctor’s or therapist’s care for any of the above? Please answer Yes or No
Answer 4) Yes - I see a doctor for the spinal pain
Question 5) Do you have any specific requirements due to a physical health condition? If so, please specify.
Answer 5) None.
Furthermore, I then had to sign a disclosure saying the following:
To the best of my knowledge, I have given true and complete answers to all the questions. When we receive the above, we may ask for further information from your doctor or therapist as well as a telephone interview with you.
So now I'm genuinely worried about not being allowed on the course if the truth comes to light, because I lied in my answers. I realise I should've told the truth, but I have a complex medical history and to give accurate answers would have involved requesting a hard copy of my medical files from multiple doctor's and consultants. The reason I gave my answers is as follows:
1) I personally thought most of the questions were irrelevant so just gave what I thought was important and material to my application.
2) My fractured spine is my only concern, which I disclosed, but I'm making great progress with physiotherapy and am weaning off the Morphine quite fast. I don't expect to be on Morphine come September when the course starts.
3) I was scared I'd be rejected if I revealed my full dark and dangerous use of drugs.
My question is:
Has somebody else been in this same position? Could you tell me whether they'd request a copy of my medical files to audit my answers and discover my answers were fraudulent? What can I do to make amends for this? If I am still on my Morphine, despite the 4th moral conduct of sīla re: intoxicants, will I be allowed to take it with me on the basis of a genuine medical necessity? Or will they just say I am not fit and healthy for the course and cease my application?
As you can tell, I know I messed up, and it's really worrying me. I didn't think it mattered and I don't know how to remedy the situation.
So has anybody else been on S.N. Goenka's 10 Day Silent Vipassana Retreat who's been in the same boat as me?
Any help would be really, really, appreciated.
Love & Hugs,
Rybee
Thread Location Question
I'd greatly appreciate it if you could move this thread to where you think it's most suitable on BL. I toyed with Sober Living/Mental Health/Healthy Living/Philosophy and Spirituality as well as European & African Drug Discussion as the retreat will be in England, but then again, the courses are taught worldwide so that didn't figure.
Personally I am leaning towards it going in Philosophy & Spirituality but it's my first thread on meditation and I only frequent niche sub-forums of bluelight (mainly Other Drugs and Mental Health) so was hoping you'd come across more threads on meditation/mindfulness and would know where to place it?
please feel free to delete the above text to clear the thread when and appropriate forum has been identified.
Hi all.
I feel very guilty for doing something morally wrong and I'm worried, as I think I've consequently lost a life changing opportunity, but I'm not sure how serious it is.
I've been practicing Meditation/Vipassana/Mindfulness/Dzogchen for around 4 months now and I feel ready to take it up a more serious notch and sign up to one of S.N. Goenka's 10x Day Silent Vipassana Meditation Retreat Course in England. I'm well aware of the their strict Code of Discipline. The foundation of the practice is sīla — moral conduct. Sīla provides a basis for the development of samādhi — concentration of mind; and purification of the mind is achieved through paññā — the wisdom of insight. When applying, I read and signed a declaration that I would obey the sīla - the five following codes of conduct whilst learning and committed to completing the 10 day silent retreat:
1 - to abstain from killing any being - no problem
2 - to abstain from stealing - no problem
3 - to abstain from all sexual activity - Like most males, I masturbate, but can abstain. no problem
4 - to abstain from all intoxicants - As a chronic prescription & non prescription drug user - problem
5 - to abstain from telling lies - Well I lied in my disclosed answer to question 4 above - problem
I cannot put in words how important Vipassana/Meditation has become to me in the last 4 months and I was desperate to sign up to the retreat. With my past drug addiction, use & abuse of intoxicants coupled with the demand for places being high... In desperation of wanting to be accepted, I breached code 4 by lying about my previous drug use/abuse in my answers as I thought it'd help me get accepted on to the course instead of rejected. The full application form is here to read --->
www.dhamma.org/en/docs/forms/appform-en.pdf
The first questions are generic so you can skip to the boxed questions starting at no.1 and I'll tell you the question, my answer, and the truth.
Question 1) Do you have any current physical health problems, medical conditions or diseases? If yes, please give details (dates, symptoms, duration, treatment, and present condition).
Answer 1) I played it down by stating a small compression fracture in left vertebrae facet of my lumbar spine.
Truth 1) I actually have a large fracture in one of my vertebrates and a herniated spinal disc. I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder as well as Chronic Daily Migraine. Furthermore, I omitted all dates, symptoms, duration, treatments and present conditions.
Question 2) Pregnancy - N/A (I'm male)
Question 3) Do you have, or have you ever had, any mental health problems such as significant depression or anxiety, panic attacks, manic depression, schizophrenia, etc.? If yes, please give details (dates, symptoms, duration, hospitalization, treatment, and present condition).
Answer 3) No - None.
Truth 3) I have a 5 year history of mental health problems. Significant Major Depressive Disorder, Severe Generalised Anxiety Attacks, Psychosis. Furthermore, I omitted all dates, symptoms, duration, my hospitalisations, treatments, and present condition.
Question 4) Are you now taking, or have you taken within the past two years, any alcohol or drugs (such as
marijuana, amphetamines, barbiturates, cocaine, heroin, or other intoxicants)? If yes, please give details (dates, types, amounts, addictions, treatment, and present use).
Answer 4) Previous intermittent use of alcohol
Truth 4) I was an opiate addict for 2 years, having taken Codeine/Tramadol/DHC/Morphine/Tapentadol/Oxycodone/Fentanyl. I had a Benzo 'problem' for 1 year and have abused pretty much all of the common Benzos on the market. I've smoked marijuana. I've taken amphetamines. I've taken cocaine. I've taken many other intoxicants such as LSD and plenty of other general pharmaceutical drugs/intoxicants with the potential for abuse. Other than stating minor alcohol use, I gave no dates, no types, no amounts, no treatment, no disclosure of addictions or present use.
Question 5) Are you now taking, or have you taken within the past two years, any prescribed medication? If yes,
please give details (dates, types, dosage, and present use).
Answer 5) Yes - 90mg Morphine Sulfate for pain relief of my small compression fracture in left vertebrae facet of my lumbar spine
Truth 5) I have taken many prescribed medications over the last 2 years. I'm currently prescribed 120mg of Morphine per day and 300mg Lyrica. I have been prescribed: 4x10mg Oxycodone per day, 2x100mg XR Tapentadol/Nucynta/Palexia and 50ug Fentanyl Patches. I've also taken a whole whole host of prescribed Benzodiazepines and Z-Drugs. I've also been prescribed Prozac/Fluoxetine, Effexor, Venlafaxine/ Cymbalta/Duloxetine, Agomelatine/Valdoxan and a whole range of Tricylics for neuropathic pain management. I've also been prescribed a whole host of anti-epileptic drugs for my chronic migraines. I gave no information of dates, dosage (other than Morphine) and present use
Question 1) Do you have any current physical health problems, medical conditions or diseases? If yes, please give details (dates, symptoms, duration, treatment, and present condition).
Answer 1) I played it down by stating a small compression fracture in left vertebrae facet of my lumbar spine.
Truth 1) I actually have a large fracture in one of my vertebrates and a herniated spinal disc. I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder as well as Chronic Daily Migraine. Furthermore, I omitted all dates, symptoms, duration, treatments and present conditions.
My application was submitted and I received the following email instantly this morning asking for further clarification on my answers. Questions in bold and purposely brief answers are in italics.
Question 1) Give a complete account of your physical and/or mental health problems, past and present. Include the diagnoses, duration, dates and hospitalisation.
Answer 1) Small compression fracture in left vertebrae facet of spine
Question 2) List your use of prescription and non-prescription medication, past and present. Include details of the dates, periods of usage, dosage, frequency of use and any problems encountered.
Answer 2) Currently taking 90mg Morphine Sulfate for back pain caused by spinal compression fracture.
Question 3) List your use of alcohol and other drugs, past and present. Include details of the dates and periods of usage, amounts of usage, frequency, any addictions and treatments.
Answer 3) Infrequent use of alcohol in the past 8 years.
Question 4) Are you presently under a doctor’s or therapist’s care for any of the above? Please answer Yes or No
Answer 4) Yes - I see a doctor for the spinal pain
Question 5) Do you have any specific requirements due to a physical health condition? If so, please specify.
Answer 5) None.
Furthermore, I then had to sign a disclosure saying the following:
To the best of my knowledge, I have given true and complete answers to all the questions. When we receive the above, we may ask for further information from your doctor or therapist as well as a telephone interview with you.
So now I'm genuinely worried about not being allowed on the course if the truth comes to light, because I lied in my answers. I realise I should've told the truth, but I have a complex medical history and to give accurate answers would have involved requesting a hard copy of my medical files from multiple doctor's and consultants. The reason I gave my answers is as follows:
1) I personally thought most of the questions were irrelevant so just gave what I thought was important and material to my application.
2) My fractured spine is my only concern, which I disclosed, but I'm making great progress with physiotherapy and am weaning off the Morphine quite fast. I don't expect to be on Morphine come September when the course starts.
3) I was scared I'd be rejected if I revealed my full dark and dangerous use of drugs.
My question is:
Has somebody else been in this same position? Could you tell me whether they'd request a copy of my medical files to audit my answers and discover my answers were fraudulent? What can I do to make amends for this? If I am still on my Morphine, despite the 4th moral conduct of sīla re: intoxicants, will I be allowed to take it with me on the basis of a genuine medical necessity? Or will they just say I am not fit and healthy for the course and cease my application?
As you can tell, I know I messed up, and it's really worrying me. I didn't think it mattered and I don't know how to remedy the situation.
So has anybody else been on S.N. Goenka's 10 Day Silent Vipassana Retreat who's been in the same boat as me?
Any help would be really, really, appreciated.
Love & Hugs,
Rybee
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