Spencer
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Dec 21, 1999
- Messages
- 8,041
well, i just read chiil E's post and it really hit home in a way. before E i was really happy go lucky. im not the greatest looking guy in the world, but i was in a fraternity, having fun, and, like all of my life, not really stressing about anything. i had this unbelievable ability to put everything in perspective. i had 2 rules in life : A) dont sweat the small stuff and B) its all small stuff. life was good. i had lots of fun. then i started E'ing...a lot. sure, at first its great. we all know that. i had a rad group of friends to roll with. and then i started raving...along with 2 of the 4 in the group. we raved all the time, thus sort of seperating from the rest of the group. then i met my bloolite friends, who i love, but that sort of drove me even farther from them in a way.
E has also made me very moody. Everything gets to me. i have become an overly emotional monster. Bi-Polar almost. When im happy, im too happy, and that leads to sadness and depression once the happiness is over..and i get really really sad and depressed. drugs (e as others) have really been affecting my judgemnet as of late as well. Selfish mistakes on my part have driven me away from not one, but 2 more of my really good friends. i am losing them more and more as every second passes. and tho one problem is in the past and cant be changed, i still continue to carry on with the other situation, because i dont care anymore.
as some of you may no by some of the posts i have posted as of late, i have not been too happy, because i dont care about the people around me, and the onlu person i have cared about as of tlate, well, we wont get into that.
rolling isnt fun anymore. its not a love drug for me. i dont love anyone, and as much as i like making people happy while they roll, latley, i couldnt really care less what other people are going thru. i may do things to help them and make them happy, but its almost becaue i feel obligated, its expected of me.
and then there is the speed. a drug i just tried, and am already i love with, and can already tell will become a problem.
i dont care anymore. about anything. excpet, for some odd reason work. my job is the only thin with any order or structure in my life. the only ting that is stable and solid and reliable.
I dont care about anything anymore. altho i have more control over my life now than i ever have, i also feel like i have none.
ok, i am rambling to much. my question, i guess, is, has this or does anyone else notice this happeing to them? what do you do to maintain? waht is it like for you?
heh, we could make this thred like a support group for washed up rollers! heh...had to make myself laff there
anyway...please dont baragge me with your too depressed but it will be ok replys. im not depressed. im just curious to see if any one else is going thru or has gone thru situations like this.
------------------
Hold Me
Feel Me
Never Let Me Go
Show Me
Need Me
'Cause I Want You To Stay
At Least Until The Break Of Dawn!
-Spencer
E has also made me very moody. Everything gets to me. i have become an overly emotional monster. Bi-Polar almost. When im happy, im too happy, and that leads to sadness and depression once the happiness is over..and i get really really sad and depressed. drugs (e as others) have really been affecting my judgemnet as of late as well. Selfish mistakes on my part have driven me away from not one, but 2 more of my really good friends. i am losing them more and more as every second passes. and tho one problem is in the past and cant be changed, i still continue to carry on with the other situation, because i dont care anymore.
as some of you may no by some of the posts i have posted as of late, i have not been too happy, because i dont care about the people around me, and the onlu person i have cared about as of tlate, well, we wont get into that.
rolling isnt fun anymore. its not a love drug for me. i dont love anyone, and as much as i like making people happy while they roll, latley, i couldnt really care less what other people are going thru. i may do things to help them and make them happy, but its almost becaue i feel obligated, its expected of me.
and then there is the speed. a drug i just tried, and am already i love with, and can already tell will become a problem.
i dont care anymore. about anything. excpet, for some odd reason work. my job is the only thin with any order or structure in my life. the only ting that is stable and solid and reliable.
I dont care about anything anymore. altho i have more control over my life now than i ever have, i also feel like i have none.
ok, i am rambling to much. my question, i guess, is, has this or does anyone else notice this happeing to them? what do you do to maintain? waht is it like for you?
heh, we could make this thred like a support group for washed up rollers! heh...had to make myself laff there
------------------
Hold Me
Feel Me
Never Let Me Go
Show Me
Need Me
'Cause I Want You To Stay
At Least Until The Break Of Dawn!
-Spencer
(?) I really dont get it. I know what everyone is gonna say to that, 'oh, we have a purpose here, it just hasnt been exposed yet' or the o so famous 'dont worry about the world man, take care of yourself' Yeah, well I think this WORLD is fukn washed up. How can I expect to take care of myself when no one cares for our world we live in, the future is gonna be 1 fukt ass place and I dont want to even go there cuz that is the future and I am not worried about it. Everybody going in different directions, pushing and pulling. To tell you the truth Spencer, I dont know if its better to be aware, or just have our fukn heads stuck waaaaay up in the clouds, w/ out any cares (except our lives). This *stuff* just started "coming on" *lmao* lately for me. I dont know what it is, the drugs, me, or the fukt up environment that I live in. But, I am sure this will all pass on to new fukt up shit, it always does. 
