Difficulty letting go after finding love in life

[Hilopsilo]

When I first began using psychedelics when I was very young the main culprit for bad trips was thinking I was going to die, pretty standard, I'd fight it and not want to let go for fear of losing *myself*.

Eventually, after years of practice, I'd learned to let go and surrender myself to the experience without any problems. And generally, I still don't have a lot of problems with this, its something you just learn to do.

4 years ago I met the love of my life, my muse, this person is the center of my life. More important to me in a lot of ways than my own life, almost feels like I would give my life for this person. And as every year passes my love for them grows and grows. On top of this, my life has improved drastically in other ways involving other people and my family; I've realized my now greatest fear in life is not losing myself, but losing the people around me that I love.

About once a year I go in pretty deep with psychedelics, definitely to the point of ego-death and I love doing it. And *most* of the time it makes me realize how much I appreciate life and how beautiful it is. It is always incredibly beneficial to me and improves my life thereafter. But something that has been nagging me since last year's deep dive, as this year's is coming up next week. Last year I felt this deep, piercing fear that all of it isn't real, that its simply too good to be true.

It was a fleeting moment in a blast-off experience (assisted by 100mg MDMA, ~800ug LSD and couple balloons of nitrous), and it was first time I've actually "freaked out" from a trip in MANY years. I was lying down with my partner, and the trip began in the same way these experiences usually do, feelings of "this life is so beautiful, I'm so lucky, this must be a dream", but in a good way, as when I come back I'm just absolutely filled with appreciation for life. But this one took a different turn, I'll try to explain as best I can. It was almost some sort of life-allegory/archetypal situation, all reality fell away and my partner and I existed as the only two "energies" in existence, sort of the seed of all reality, some Adam & Eve sort of thing, yin & yang; myself representing the masculine side, my partner embodying the feminine side or whatever. It was this beautiful moment of realization that all along we were truly a single entity existing together. Within that moment, I TRULY felt as if we had "fused" together, I tried to get up to look at my partner, but it was as if I created what quite literally looked like a worm-hole (or at least the diagrams of what a worm hole looks like on the internet), every movement I made was mirrored on the other end of the "worm-hole" by my partner (even though they were just laying there), I tried to move forward to touch my partner, but I couldn't, they were on the other side, it would just create this inverted visual where we both existed on two halves of reality. In that moment FEAR shot through me, that I'd never actually exist in the same "dimension" as this person as we embody two halves of the universe that balance it and I'd never actually see her face again. I came out of it almost flailing around almost crying trying to get to the other side of this "worm-hole" to exist as separate entities in one universe, but that wasn't possible since we were two halves of a single being; like two poles of a magnet balancing each other but they can never actually touch.

I was CONVINCED that this person, the love of my life, was nothing but a figment of my imagination, some projection of all the things I lack that now complete me. This scared the shit out of me as it wasn't based around losing myself, but about losing someone else (losing them as in realizing their existence is some inverted-mirror of myself).

Now, I'm not saying I believe any of this, as reading it back it sounds absolutely crazy, but it *felt* realer than reality. And I can certainly ground myself in actual reality now, but when something feels realer than reality itself, well you all know how that is. And maybe this does all comes back to "when you get the message, hang up the phone", maybe I've found what I'm looking for and changing my perspective with intense psychedelic experiences will inevitably create a concept of reality that is inferior to the one I am experiencing normally. Or, maybe I just dipped my toes in too deep and wigged out. After that experience, it sort of exposed me to the idea that fear of losing yourself is based on your ego fighting back, but fear of losing someone that means more to you than yourself is an entirely different beast, Its infinitely "scarier". I imagine its how it feels to be a parent who cares more about their child than they do themselves, and not to be morbid, but no wonder there is the age-old punishment of making someone watch someone they care about die/suffer being a greater punishment than being put to death themselves (as we see all the time in movies, stories, and history). Not sure if there is a term for this

Thoughts on this? How to deal with it? I'm sure I'm not the only one who's felt something like this, but it did feel like it opened up a whole new "perspective" for me on what scares me in life, again; not losing myself, but losing the people around me that I love or going to a place where they no longer exist.

 

[TripSitterNZ]

I have had similar experinces on high doses of psychedelics and candy fliping or just mixing weed with acid. As the ego dissolves all boundary disappear and you experience hard truths of reality. All is connected and consciouness is all the same we may very well be all one being at the source but within duality and the extreme polarities the two energy's. I have also thought everybody i had ever met never did truly exist on those breakthroughs all just a reflection of the one mind but it passes after the trip. I have seen many more impossible wild things on psychedelics and it lead me to a existential crisis and eventually had to take a break for 10 months from tripping so much. Acid brings you to a deeper level of reality but their are many rabbit holes to get lost in. Meditation and reading eastern philosophy and spiritually helped bring me back to grounded state. If you reach this state again you have to surrender 100% and just surrender to the divine bliss oneness love of this realm called ego death.

 

[G_Chem]

“Dipped your toes too deep and wigged out.” I think this is at least part of it, 800ug isn’t child’s play as I’m sure you know.

That said I can relate to some extent.. As I’ve gotten older my trips have gone more from solo adventures at home or keeping to myself at festivals, to experiences with family and close friends. This has brought about new depths to these relationships I could have never fathomed before but with that comes a newfound worry for these people I only grow to love more and more.

When I was younger I gave two fucks and was all bout my next fix, this mind state is quite different from that time.

-GC

 

[psy997]

I was CONVINCED that this person, the love of my life, was nothing but a figment of my imagination, some projection of all the things I lack that now complete me. This scared the shit out of me as it wasn't based around losing myself, but about losing someone else (losing them as in realizing their existence is some inverted-mirror of myself).

You realized through direct experience the concept of the Anima and how it lives within you. That what you search for in a woman, in a lover, in life itself, is actually the inner feminine that you are not in relationship with (this is not only a poor description considering the magnitude and significance of the Anima in the individual,but also an assumptive statement considering I don't know you). The Anima is profound, and most men never realize it's existence, let alone touch it. Get into Jung and the Anima if you're interested in this part of your experience.

OK after reading the rest of the post, it sounds like your experience is the realization that what you're looking for is inside of you (the Anima is what we long for, the Grail, and it is part of us, not anywhere outside) and thus the fear and trauma is the pain of having one of the deepest projections we can make as individuals, as men, broken and laid bare in front of you.

Again, I could be off the mark here. And it sounds true considering what you've shared.

 

[psy997]

To say more: the Anima is projected onto the world, most often and strongly onto one's partner or feminine object of affection. So yes, in a way your partner is a figure of your imagination. We are attracted to partners that we can easily project our Anima onto.

It also sounds like the worm-hole 'parallel to your partner' and then 'on opposite sides of a duality with her' experiences are symbolic, though I don't totally have a hit. I was close and then it faded.

EDIT: Symbolic in that you can never merge with your Anima. That instead of merging with, a tension between has to be forever held.

 

[yepyepwoah]

I would agree(ish) with psy on the anima/animus thing.

I have been experiencing some stuff this year releated to realizing feminine / masculine energy.

It started as a "twin flame" type of thing. Like, a realization that this specific physical female person was "the other half of me". It kind of led into a knowing/communication with a feminine energy I attributed to that person. As time went on, it stopped being about a specific person, and just the "divine feminine" aspect of creation. I began to feel it more, and to see it as something that I AM, and not just something that is outside of me. It's not something I can ever lose, or really gain. All I can do is remember/realize what is.

To me, it sounds like what Hilopsilo is saying with the "In that moment FEAR shot through me, that I'd never actually exist in the same "dimension" as this person as we embody two halves of the universe that balance it and I'd never actually see her face again." would correlate to the thought some have that our individual aspect of conciousness that is called "I", has a twin aspect. You could look at it as having an "oversoul", and splitting off over and over as we come to individualization to experience life in its endless opportunities. The last piece we split from, is the first piece we go back to. Perhaps it has been billions of years, as we each learn different things, so we can come back together to use what we have learned to create more. To me, it seems, the present time on this earth is a time for many of us to go back to what we have been apart from for a veryyyyy long time.

I recently took Iboga RB daily for about 4 weeks. Combined with smoking marijuana, I came to some... intense?... realizations along these lines. It had a lot to do with the fear of being alone. If we are just one entity experienceing itself as all that is, that would seem scary I thought. Existing as this weird insanely lonely thing that is altogether nothing and everything. Each piece being able to be on its own either nothing or everything. A piece that splits into two parts, masculine and feminine. I was experiencing energy as either masculine or feminine, with a degree of seperation that was rather obvious. At the same time experiencing being all that is/a part of all that is.

I can't really put it into words, or honestly remember it with my mind. I remember it with my heart though, and it feels stored in my body/energetic field the realizations I had with the Iboga. I combined ayahuasca with it one night, and had the most intense feminine energy experience. Just endless acceptance and love no matter what stupid thought or fear I had. Like "hey baby, we've missed you. Yah it's been a looooooooooooong time, but you are ours and we are yours, time to get back together eh?". This energy is at the same time inside me, and also outside me represented by lots of astral goddess ladies...

So yah, the love of your life is a figment of your imagination. At the same time, so am I, so are the trees, so is everything. Maybe you will lose it all, maybe you will get it all back. Maybe we will just play this game with outselves forever cuz there isn't fuck else to do. Personally, I have been fighting this realization all my life, while at the same time striving for it. I am just at the point where it's like "Fuck it, I give up, I surrender. I need this fuckin hot sexy beautiful lady energy in me"

 

[Xorkoth]

I came to the realization many years ago that we are all one thing, the universe, experiencing itself subjectively. That when you fall away from the illusion of separation entirely, we exist alone in a dimensionless void, and that the great dream of life is our own attempt at beating that loneliness. The trip I had where I realized that (on 2C-E) was intensely terrifying and felt realer than anything. And I do actually believe it, to this day. However, functionally it matters not. Although I know (well, I believe is what I should say, I could just be a drug-addled hippie ) that my girlfriend and I are the same awareness at the core, that doesn't make her less real to me. I still wake up every day and I feel like she and I are separate people. Because this dream is what we consistently experience. It is as real as anything else. I have learned to accept it for what it is. Actually it really is empowering. It helps me to understand what is really important in life (ie, experiencing those things, primarily love, but also passion, inspiration, even sadness and everything else) that are the purpose of the whole thing. And it helps me to put what is NOT important in its place, too.

 

[Chris42393]

Time heals all wounds. Trust me. Things will get better.

 

[Hilopsilo]

Thanks for all the replies everyone, thought about a lot of this over the past weekend. I believe in this most recent experience I unlocked something inside my brain, like it showed me something humans maybe aren't supposed to know/understand.

Similar to the experience I wrote this thread about, at the end of a night on LSD, MDMA and lots of nitrous, I had another mindbreaking experience. This time, it was in the morning where the effects were still lingering, sort of in this nirvana mindspace; everything is perfect, I'm here with the love of my life watching the sunrise as we lay on the ground next to the river. I decided to try a balloon of nitrous in this state and I had what felt like the 3rd chapter of these insane experiences i can achieve when in contact with her when it happens.

I experienced exactly what Xorkoth says here: (and I'm reading this AFTER this all happened...)

I came to the realization many years ago that we are all one thing, the universe, experiencing itself subjectively. That when you fall away from the illusion of separation entirely, we exist alone in a dimensionless void, and that the great dream of life is our own attempt at beating that loneliness.

As I lay there, it was like I was experiencing infinity; my lifetime and existence repeated over and infinite amount of time and scenarios. I was filled with the most profound feeling. And it was as if a question was presented to me, a "what if" sort of question and I had the choice of either running from it/ignoring it or accepting the possibility and going further. The question was a bit more abstract but it basically came down to "what if this has all happened an infinite amount of times over, and you've been dead forever?". That my "energy" simply imagined this existence as a means to ease the pain of the reality that, as xorkoth wrote, I "exist alone in a dimensionless void, and that the great dream of life is our own attempt at beating that loneliness.". That my entire concept of reality was a projection of my own my mind to "entertain" itself in a void of nothing. I chose to accept this as true, which pushed me deeper into it. This was such a morbid realization, but it was realer than real. I was tumbling through figurative layers of "acceptance" of this reality, that there is truly nothing. Similar to the first experience of the three, occurring 2 years ago, I was simultaneously experiencing these archetypal metaphors; the most memorable being I was a mental asylum patient, and everything I experienced was simply in my head (literally living in my own world), and my caretaker/aide (represented by my partner, anima, whatever), was there to soothe and ease this reality. My partner represented this sort of goddess/angel of death, the only other entity in my existence apart from my myself thats "purpose" is to ease the pain of the reality that there is truly nothing.

Finally it was like I got so deep that the final "question" was to either end the infinite loop of projected existence (real life) and return to becoming one with my partner/anima in nothingness, OR continue to experience the infinite loop of projected existence for eternity in which I experience my life over and over again across an infinite amount of timelines. I chose to end it, and when I say "choose" I mean in regards to answering the rhetorical question I was asking myself, it was like being presented with first hand evidence and choosing whether to face it or stick your head in the sand; I accepted this as the truth of the nature of my existence, just blank nothingness. And SNAP, as soon as I full on accepted it, it was like I was squeezed back through all those layers of reality, being lifted/pulled out by my anima/partner and I could hear someone calling my name, saying its all going to be OK, just general reassuring words, that yes, this is the horrifying true nature of reality but its OK... I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, yell, and all of a sudden I was back in reality. I came out flailing and then sort of went limp, my partner was there holding me trying to calm me. I was unable to speak for about an hour afterwards, I just could not process what had just happened.

I was sure I had experienced death. Or at least experienced what it is like to be dead, that I've been dead for a very long time, eternity, but I just keep re-experiencing life over and over and it will never actually end as experiencing the void of nothing is too unbearable and lonely to not project a reality out of "boredom" and lack of purpose (the purpose given to my life being the love for my partner and the love I get in return).

Reflecting now, I feel its possible I "tricked" my brain into experiencing what it is like to be dead, or to not exist. And I think the reason I'm able to achieve this when I lay with my partner during these experiences is because of how at peace and complete I feel in those moment, that I've already gotten what I want to out of life and there could be nothing better, I sort of give myself up to it more readily without fighting it and rejecting it, I just accept it.

"Or at least thats how it felt" lol

 

[TripSitterNZ]

That is the ultimate truth you experienced by letting go and accepting it completely it ends up been alot better. I have completely resisted due to some poor settings in those states and it doesn't end well the other end of the cosmic duality will appear and instead of a bliss void of nothigness its a hellish realm of mind rape