*please don't judge*
On August 31st at 11:30 my fiancee the love ol my life overdosed on fentanyl in our hotel room and tragically passed away...
Him and I had been together for 5 years and loved eachother so much. It's kind of crazy but on my astrology birthday chart his birthday is listed as my fatal attraction..
We were clean and in a program in sober living together and his dad passed away and he got really depressed and relapsed the other night, our sober living tested him ,he popped hot , and as much as we all tried to get him to go to detox his mind was already made up , so I left with him so he wouldn't be by himself and made sure I brought plenty of narcan. . The first night in the hotel was surreal.
him and I were laying in bed cuddling he never stopped holding me. and we were having super deep conversations about life and how much we loved eachother all of our favorite memories... and I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach that that was my last night with him. That night when I was asleep he said I started freaking out and sobbing screaming for my mom and crying uncontrollably. He said he was holding me and trying to comfort me and tell me he was there and he wasn't going anywhere but I just kept sobbing.
I have never done anything like that before and now I wonder if it's not a coincidence that it happened the night before he passed.
The next day we hung out and watched movies
Eventually I dozed off because I wasn't used to staying up late and I was emotionally exhausted with the whole situation, and I woke up to him gasping and throwing up all over himself jumped up called 911 and go (iidk how long he was in that condition because I was asleep) t him on his side so he wouldn't choke on his puke and my neighbors at the hotel I was at heard the commotion and came to my door with narcan and started helping me by narcanning him while I gave him chest compressions and cpr. He puked all over me and kept choking on it when I was trying to breathe for him so I had to keep taking a second to get him 9n his side to get the puke and then repeat and by the time the emts were here we had narcanned him 3 times and I was covered in vomit from head to toe. They narcanned him another 4 times and it didn't work but he had vomit in his lungs and had a heartattack. It took longer than it should have but they shocked him back to life in the ambulance. Got him to the er and had to sedate him and put a tube down his throat and put hum on life support and cool his body into hypothermia to preserve his brain because his heart stopping cut his brain off from oxygen for an extended amount of time
The lack of oxygen to his brain has caused it to swelli they said maybe he would come back but that was not the case..
since then
I haven't gone back to the treatment center that he and I were at because it's just going to be hard for me to go back to the place we were at together. I know it is what he would want me to do I am just not dealing with this very well.i haven't been eating much, havent sleeping (every time I would manage to sleep I would go back to that night) , isolating a lot more , and have been drinking around a 5th a day ... I haven't touched opiates because I know that is literally the last thing he would want me to do but nothing feels right everything feels so uncomfortable and just wrong with out him here. He was my best friend.
I have been really upset this last week because His mom had his friend hit. me up to. tell me she would prefer it if i wasnt at the funeral, and someone sent me a link to his obituary and it was even more upsetting. Link to Obituary
On top. of having. some "messenger" (because uninviting me personally would involve talking to me) relay the message that im not wanted at his funeral service They also. decided to.erase me. . As far as his. story goes in his. obituary goes. I never existed Instead They are going to mention friends of his that knew he was fresh out of rehab, with a sack, in a motel room, and severly depressed and didn't even TRY to make it over to where he was at.
when I was literally the only person fighting to save his life And when I texted his mom and told her to call me because it was an emergency she had his brother call me and yell at me telling me to tell Kevin to keep all of his druggie problems away from his family. And hung up on me. I was at the hospital with him everyday and they didn't show up to see him until the day they pulled the plug. I know im not. perfect. and alot. of our relationship drugs were involved but thats most. of his friends the person that got him high on h in middle school is the one sending out the invitations to his funeral for God sake.
I just don't know what I should do. I want to go so badly because I know I will regret it if I don't but I don't want to go somewhere I'm not wanted and "disrespect" his family when they have gone out of their way to be cold as fuck. I don't understand how a woman that was going through the loss of her husband (his dad) could be so fucked up to someone going through a loss like that.. I already
The reason i have so much guilt is because before we went to rehab I was a big connect for fentanyl and supplied in weight for most of our area and a few cities over . I didn't do it and he hated that I was selling it. At that time the lifestyle and the money changed me into a cold spiritually/morally bankrupt person someone That when I got sober Iooked back and was disgusted with. (I am even more disgusted now) I would always get pissed off at him for complaining about how I was making money for us to have hotels because I thought he would love having a girlfriend and having unlimited amounts of his favorite drug but instead he would beg me to stop and tell me that what I'm giving to him and selling to other people is killing him.or ask me was it going to have to take him dying for me to understand that what I was doing was wrong... And I would just get irritated and say some rude shit about us needing money and brush it off. I have so much regret and it Haunts me.
And I have been thinking about how many people I could have sold this expirience(overdose/death) to, Or how many people I have hurt directly or indirectly and it just makes me feel worse..
this shit is claiming lives every day, I just lost another friend yesterday
I don't know what to do with my self and I am so lonely. And figured I would reach out. Thank you for reading this
On August 31st at 11:30 my fiancee the love ol my life overdosed on fentanyl in our hotel room and tragically passed away...
Him and I had been together for 5 years and loved eachother so much. It's kind of crazy but on my astrology birthday chart his birthday is listed as my fatal attraction..
We were clean and in a program in sober living together and his dad passed away and he got really depressed and relapsed the other night, our sober living tested him ,he popped hot , and as much as we all tried to get him to go to detox his mind was already made up , so I left with him so he wouldn't be by himself and made sure I brought plenty of narcan. . The first night in the hotel was surreal.
him and I were laying in bed cuddling he never stopped holding me. and we were having super deep conversations about life and how much we loved eachother all of our favorite memories... and I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach that that was my last night with him. That night when I was asleep he said I started freaking out and sobbing screaming for my mom and crying uncontrollably. He said he was holding me and trying to comfort me and tell me he was there and he wasn't going anywhere but I just kept sobbing.
I have never done anything like that before and now I wonder if it's not a coincidence that it happened the night before he passed.
The next day we hung out and watched movies
Eventually I dozed off because I wasn't used to staying up late and I was emotionally exhausted with the whole situation, and I woke up to him gasping and throwing up all over himself jumped up called 911 and go (iidk how long he was in that condition because I was asleep) t him on his side so he wouldn't choke on his puke and my neighbors at the hotel I was at heard the commotion and came to my door with narcan and started helping me by narcanning him while I gave him chest compressions and cpr. He puked all over me and kept choking on it when I was trying to breathe for him so I had to keep taking a second to get him 9n his side to get the puke and then repeat and by the time the emts were here we had narcanned him 3 times and I was covered in vomit from head to toe. They narcanned him another 4 times and it didn't work but he had vomit in his lungs and had a heartattack. It took longer than it should have but they shocked him back to life in the ambulance. Got him to the er and had to sedate him and put a tube down his throat and put hum on life support and cool his body into hypothermia to preserve his brain because his heart stopping cut his brain off from oxygen for an extended amount of time
The lack of oxygen to his brain has caused it to swelli they said maybe he would come back but that was not the case..
since then
I haven't gone back to the treatment center that he and I were at because it's just going to be hard for me to go back to the place we were at together. I know it is what he would want me to do I am just not dealing with this very well.i haven't been eating much, havent sleeping (every time I would manage to sleep I would go back to that night) , isolating a lot more , and have been drinking around a 5th a day ... I haven't touched opiates because I know that is literally the last thing he would want me to do but nothing feels right everything feels so uncomfortable and just wrong with out him here. He was my best friend.
I have been really upset this last week because His mom had his friend hit. me up to. tell me she would prefer it if i wasnt at the funeral, and someone sent me a link to his obituary and it was even more upsetting. Link to Obituary
On top. of having. some "messenger" (because uninviting me personally would involve talking to me) relay the message that im not wanted at his funeral service They also. decided to.erase me. . As far as his. story goes in his. obituary goes. I never existed Instead They are going to mention friends of his that knew he was fresh out of rehab, with a sack, in a motel room, and severly depressed and didn't even TRY to make it over to where he was at.
when I was literally the only person fighting to save his life And when I texted his mom and told her to call me because it was an emergency she had his brother call me and yell at me telling me to tell Kevin to keep all of his druggie problems away from his family. And hung up on me. I was at the hospital with him everyday and they didn't show up to see him until the day they pulled the plug. I know im not. perfect. and alot. of our relationship drugs were involved but thats most. of his friends the person that got him high on h in middle school is the one sending out the invitations to his funeral for God sake.
I just don't know what I should do. I want to go so badly because I know I will regret it if I don't but I don't want to go somewhere I'm not wanted and "disrespect" his family when they have gone out of their way to be cold as fuck. I don't understand how a woman that was going through the loss of her husband (his dad) could be so fucked up to someone going through a loss like that.. I already
The reason i have so much guilt is because before we went to rehab I was a big connect for fentanyl and supplied in weight for most of our area and a few cities over . I didn't do it and he hated that I was selling it. At that time the lifestyle and the money changed me into a cold spiritually/morally bankrupt person someone That when I got sober Iooked back and was disgusted with. (I am even more disgusted now) I would always get pissed off at him for complaining about how I was making money for us to have hotels because I thought he would love having a girlfriend and having unlimited amounts of his favorite drug but instead he would beg me to stop and tell me that what I'm giving to him and selling to other people is killing him.or ask me was it going to have to take him dying for me to understand that what I was doing was wrong... And I would just get irritated and say some rude shit about us needing money and brush it off. I have so much regret and it Haunts me.
And I have been thinking about how many people I could have sold this expirience(overdose/death) to, Or how many people I have hurt directly or indirectly and it just makes me feel worse..
this shit is claiming lives every day, I just lost another friend yesterday
I don't know what to do with my self and I am so lonely. And figured I would reach out. Thank you for reading this
and it's a shame his mother is acting like that. Please reach out to me or someone else here if you need to talk further.
