Dealing with a heroin addict lover....

[Pretty_Diamonds]

This is legit, SWIM, my dear dear friend. She's known this guy for 2 years, been dating 2 months. He's come clean about his "druggie problems" (mainly opiates) and his parents drug test him randomly. He's supposedly been clean for two months... but then he shows up at her work, HIGH AS SHIT. Like, his pupils were tiny, talking fast, random, and just saying weird shits, (even lifted up his shift, etc). I saw it, my boyfriend saw it.... she feels embarrassed and really dumb. I was consoling her but at a loss of words. You know? Communication is super important and getting high off heroin and lying to her face is pretty bad... I don't know what to do. She even asked him then and there but he obviously denied it. She then ushered him out the back, discreetly since he was making a scene.

My advice: Open the communication lines (no judgements)
I want to tell her that he needs to get well on his own, but at the same time, she's crazy about him and even told me that she doesn't think she can leave him. I told her that she needs to sit down and confront him about the situation. No more lying. Be honest, if you're high, you're high. He's told her before that he's actually "super sober" when high and he can "fake sober" easily... but last night was not the case. She's a little bit lost because she's thinking of other instances where he may have been high and nodding off during his 2 months of "sobriety".

Anyone been in a similar situation and how did you deal with it?
He told her that he's only IVed heroin once, but who knows now... right...

 

[Erikmen]

At some point most have experienced dealing with situations of that except that we in most cases, would be the addicted person in that relationship.
And I'm sure you know how complicated this is and may always be. Even if he tries to quit.
Regardless of his success, it's going to be a tough love.

Everyone is different and if he does not really, really want to quit this won't work.
Say he does want to quit and do everything he should have done etc, etc.
Still there would be all the recovering stages and timing to get well and back to healthy.

And when you mention that this is about opiates, this is by far a long shot. It's not only about quitting but also to stay sober. And while someone is trying to stay sober they do get depressed, angry, and lots of people relapse and there you start all over again.

If your friend is willing to go through this, the least you could do is inform her about the healing process of recovery and how this isn't at all that easy.
Like I said it's not an issue of quitting but changing yourself completely. And when you do that, this person will experience life with new version of her boyfriend - facing daily challenges and you shouldn't really expect too much as good endings are hard to find. Unfortunately.

Under the circumstances I believe it's very hard to have a real relationship. One that is not focused on drugs as much as it is right now.

You can't expect good scenario if there's not a serious commitment enough to let this feel some hope. Love is a strong a powerful feeling. If they really love each other, he must place her before drugs. And treat himself accordingly.


I'm sorry to break it like that, but indeed this is a tough situation. This is why most of us are here in BL, trying to get the best of ourselves but struggling every single day.

I can relate to you and trust me I'm not trying to be negative, just saying things out of mine and other people's experiences and histories.

I truly hope the best to all of you!
Erik

 

[GolemGolem]

Dude is going to do shit like that. He might even feel bad about it at times, but that's the nature of solitary drug use let alone addiction. He knows she doesn't approve of that shit, and is trying to make her feel better. With lies, but in his head he's protecting her as much as himself most likely. If your friend is okay with that, fine, but my money is on this not being the last time his drug use causes a public scene. He will use again.
He'll probably try to do a better job of hiding his drug use for a while, as an unstated, genuine act of love mind you. Quitting ain't happening unless it's his idea though, and then things will likely get uglier before they get prettier.
Sorry, sucks for both of them, but completely open communication between the two of them just isn't a realistic goal in my opinion.
You are still capable of being honest to your friend though, so hold on to that, it sucks when that capability goes away.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

So they're basically fucked... crapballs.

At some point most have experienced dealing with situations of that except that we in most cases, would be the addicted person in that relationship.
And I'm sure you know how complicated this is and may always be. Even if he tries to quit.
Regardless of his success, it's going to be a tough love.

Everyone is different and if he does not really, really want to quit this won't work.
Say he does want to quit and do everything he should have done etc, etc.
Still there would be all the recovering stages and timing to get well and back to healthy.

And when you mention that this is about opiates, this is by far a long shot. It's not only about quitting but also to stay sober. And while someone is trying to stay sober they do get depressed, angry, and lots of people relapse and there you start all over again.

If your friend is willing to go through this, the least you could do is inform her about the healing process of recovery and how this isn't at all that easy.
Like I said it's not an issue of quitting but changing yourself completely. And when you do that, this person will experience life with new version of her boyfriend - facing daily challenges and you shouldn't really expect too much as good endings are hard to find. Unfortunately.

Under the circumstances I believe it's very hard to have a real relationship. One that is not focused on drugs as much as it is right now.

You can't expect good scenario if there's not a serious commitment enough to let this feel some hope. Love is a strong a powerful feeling. If they really love each other, he must place her before drugs. And treat himself accordingly.


I'm sorry to break it like that, but indeed this is a tough situation. This is why most of us are here in BL, trying to get the best of ourselves but struggling every single day.

I can relate to you and trust me I'm not trying to be negative, just saying things out of mine and other people's experiences and histories.

I truly hope the best to all of you!
Erik

Thank you and I used SWIM because it really isn't me but my friend. I'm dating a fantastic alcoholic, durr. It's not the good news I hoped to get.

I don't know if she'll be able to handle going through the recovery process... he's just lied so many times, I feel like the trust is gone.

Dude is going to do shit like that. He might even feel bad about it at times, but that's the nature of solitary drug use let alone addiction. He knows she doesn't approve of that shit, and is trying to make her feel better. With lies, but in his head he's protecting her as much as himself most likely. If your friend is okay with that, fine, but my money is on this not being the last time his drug use causes a public scene. He will use again.
He'll probably try to do a better job of hiding his drug use for a while, as an unstated, genuine act of love mind you. Quitting ain't happening unless it's his idea though, and then things will likely get uglier before they get prettier.
Sorry, sucks for both of them, but completely open communication between the two of them just isn't a realistic goal in my opinion.
You are still capable of being honest to your friend though, so hold on to that, it sucks when that capability goes away.

Mhmm, just wait it out.... I wonder what it'll take for him to be honest and ready to change. I'm just worried that she won't be able to handle the disappointment and get her heart broken.

I think I was looking for hope but didn't get any.

 

[GolemGolem]

Hope for their relationship is a bit much, hope for the three of you having rather decent lives in 10 years is worth having.

Your friend might be able to handle more than you think for better or worse. If she is determined to stay with the guy she'll have to be a fucking tank. She'll have to keep a tight eye on her finances too. Not all junkies steal, most junkies who do steal feel terrible about it, but almost all spend way more on dope then they can responsibly afford. We know he'll lie about his sobriety, I don't know how honest he is about other things.
If it's a real option I'd hope your friend dumps him if there is a another big fuck up. Lets just hope he doesn't bring a ring home any time soon, and that we shall all be healed.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Omg, ring? No, they've only been dating for a couple months but have known each other for a couple years.

UPDATE: She confronted him but he denied everything. She got mad and now they aren't talking. Eh, if he won't even come clean; then there's really no point huh...

 

[GolemGolem]

Nah, it's best if she dumps him. They'll get by better that way.

 

[_Spinderella_]

I was with a heroin addict for just some over five years. I knew going into it that he was an addict...I told him that I would never pressure him to quit, all I asked of him was to not hide how much he was using from me. He never completely hid it from me and it wasn't until a couple years later that I found out how much he was using and the fuck ton of debt he put me in by getting approved for a bunch of credit cards in my name. I left that day. I could have handled him telling me that he was spending nearly every waking hour chasing his next high far better than I reacted when I learned he hadn't been all the way forthcoming with me.

 

[llama112]

Ahhh, they have only been dating for a couple months, but have known each other for years. That does make a difference.

I had a friend who dated this guy for a few years and he got addicted to heroin and was for about a year. They worked together and he got over it. (It certainly wasn't THAT easy, that's simply a summary, it was probably the worst time of all of our lives.) However, he was honest about it. He got clean for about a month and then got back on it. But then he was honest to her again. And they worked through it again. BUT they had also been dating for maybe four years when that all happened. So it wasn't a new relationship or anything.

If the guy is honest, it could work out. But if he continues lying and all that, then it can't. Being honest is the most important part of getting over an addiction. That and WANTING to get over it. If he isn't interested in recovering and she wants him to, then that's an issue in itself.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Mhmm ^ Honest is super, super important. She has been trying to set up a time to meet with him and talk but he's been avoiding her. I think he's scared that she's going to break up with him. But she wants to sit him down and have a conversation. If he doesn't come clean, then I do think all hope for them is lost.

 

[crzydiamond]

Best thing she can do for herself, honestly, is not make any further effort to contact him. He's avoiding her, so that makes it easier. He has shown nothing in anything you have said that shows he wants to change or is ready to change.

She will end up supporting him, paying all the bills, he will be asking her for money (if not scamming it). When an addict is actively using he only has one lover--heroin. That is his lover, his best friend, his God, his everything.

This is coming from someone who has spent 22 + years on and off addicted to heroin. The longest time of clean time I had at once was almost 9 years. But even if he stopped today he would be nowhere near ready for a relationship until he gets himself together.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Best thing she can do for herself, honestly, is not make any further effort to contact him. He's avoiding her, so that makes it easier. He has shown nothing in anything you have said that shows he wants to change or is ready to change.

She will end up supporting him, paying all the bills, he will be asking her for money (if not scamming it). When an addict is actively using he only has one lover--heroin. That is his lover, his best friend, his God, his everything.

This is coming from someone who has spent 22 + years on and off addicted to heroin. The longest time of clean time I had at once was almost 9 years. But even if he stopped today he would be nowhere near ready for a relationship until he gets himself together.

I agree with all of this.

She should break up with him and cut off contact with him, tell him this, and this includes not replying to his texts/emails, etc. Good luck to her.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

3 Months later..... (UPDATE!!!)

So, I have wonderful news! His parents checked him into a fabulous rehab center where he's been for over 2 months. My friend just went to visit him at the center and did a therapy session with him & his therapist and feels great. They were able to talk about a lot of these issues and he came clean to her that he has shot up, more than once. He also said that he didn't relapse on heroin, however, was on subxone and xanax. The trust thing is still very iffy, however, I'm so proud of her for being so strong and woman enough to support him. He is making such a positive change and I'm hopeful for their future!

He's going to transfer to an in-house treatment program after he's done with rehab and although she's sad he won't be returning immediately home, I think it's what's best for him since he has so much support over there. Hopefully he can become strong enough to be able to return home with his family and friends and be able to resist temptation.

He's going a lot of active activities, hiking, beach, animals, etc, therapy sessions everyday, support group meetings (like NA meetings), and has learned and grown a lot. I'm really proud of both of them (even though I don't know him that well, lol). I just wanted to share the good news on BL. We usually only hear the bad so it's nice to be inspired by change and positivity. He wanted to leave after a month, but his doctors and parents wanted him to stay for another month. He was EXTREMELY angry for about a week, but now he understands and is thankful he was forced to stay. Now, he's decided to extend his stay to the out-patient treatment (I don't know exactly what it's called but it's like a transition house after rehab where he'll have more freedom and I think needs to try and get a job).