coping with life,war and difficulties after psychedelic use

[Avdotja]

hey, i hope this is the right place for this thread because I am very new to forums in general so excuse me please if this is wrong. I want to share my story within the psychedelic community and ask for some insights.
so here is my tale. I am a 22 year old girl from a country in eastern europe, two cities of which are now a warzone. this is ukraine. i happen to come from one of those cities in the east. since i was a teen i always had some mystical expreiences of feeling oneness and interconnectedness and very strong intuition and very aware of this jungian sort of synchronicity. i had amazing opportunities to be selected as one of the best students to recieve government grants for travelling, i had my goals straight, i felt like i was in touch with god and the universe and felt like i could materialize my thoughts and i really did get everything i wanted, reached the goals i set to myself, i felt great, outstanding, like i was on earth to do something great. everyone promised very bright future for me. parents, teachers, hey were all proud. that was until the war has started. my home was destroyed and I had to move all around the country and find housing. so did my parents. so after months of wondering, which i was dealing very well with, we settled in a new town, I made great friendships there, met exactly the people i wanted to meet, met my first boyfriend who i fell in love with deeply and who introduced me to psychedelics. i was really amazed by my experiences, always positive and decided that i want to connect my life with it somehow. become a researcher or smth. then we got a chance to recieve a refugee status in a progressive european country. i was thinkin of this as a great new opportunity to escape my economically and socially very damaged from war country. get new opportunities. but it all went wrong. as i left my country my boyfriend dumped me, my world was shattered and torn to pieces, i felt into deeeeep depression ad spend the whole year in tears every single day. i didnt take any opportunity to make my life better and i didnt know if any exsisted. i tried seeking help but i found nothing helpful. i felt a strong urge tp come back to ukraine on my own without any education or support. everyone said this was a stupid idea but i really didnt have the mental capacity to build a new life in a new foreign place. i found no friends there. i just wanted to return to somehting familiar, be close o my friends. ugh i dont knw how to make this story shorter and not to bore you, i continued using psychedelics, lived at friends couches, partied and fell in love again. i gained great insights from psychedelics such as to focus my life goals on altruism, compassion for others, etc. then i moved in with my boyfriend. i found a job that i hated and did it to pay the rent. i was becoming miserable, i knew i had no housing, no work experience, no education, no place where i could return to rest and think. i had to work to live. i started to have severe mental breakdowns, thinking that all my life went wrong, i wanted to end it. i started to have urges of aggression towards others, i lost my kindness. i hated my life and the world. and now i quit my job and i am visiting my parents while my boyfriend who i love dearly and want a future with stays in ukraine. i am totally broken, ruined my own life, feel hopeless and without any idea how to fix it, please feel free to ask questions and i am sorry for such a long miserable naggy post i will appreciate help greatly. anything would be good, advice, video lecture, book, especially books, some philosophy concepts. i just want to understand what is happening to me and how do i find work that i dont hate and uggghh everything. i am 22 but i am no smarter than a teen. thank you for attention

 

[pupnik]

I think people use paragraphs in Ukraine as well, and this is important symbolically, since communication, like work and love is about sharing and collaborating, so you do what you can to make your efforts easier to receive.

putting your words into paragraphs may help to communicate.

Paragraphs make text easier to read, and helps to convey meaning by grouping things together.

For example, you have several real issues here, but they are lumped together like spaghetti and meatballs with cheese and spices swirled together and steaming in one bowl.

It's a huge meal. All we need is a napkin and cutlery, and then - it is a lot to digest.

but maybe this is all about you finding your way in the world, in your world, and making your world better, I think you are asking for a book that will make that easier for you to reconnect with what is most important to you. Is that right?

 

[spacejunk]

Hey, welcome to bluelight.

I think there may be better subforums for this thread to be posted in, because i'm not sure the disilusionment you are feeling is mecessarily the fault of psychedelic drugs.
I can move it somewhere where you'll get better responses, but i'm not sure what the most appropriate place is...

It's hard to find a sense of self worth when you're struggling financially and feeling overburdened by your bright dreams. You're still really young, and this might be a passing phase?

I know when i was in my early twenties, existential philosophy was pretty inspiring to me, and the idea that your life can be almost anything you make it.

I wonder if maybe the philosophy and spirituality subforum is a better fit for this?

 

[Avdotja]

People in Ukraine do use paragraphs and I am sorry I made it difficult to read. I am kind of unaware of forum etiquette, so please pardon me.

I am certainly not blaming psychedelic drugs, I am just pointing out to how they shaped my values. You can move this post wherever you find it more appropriate, I might just be having mental health problems which need to be discussed with a doctor.

Sorry for inconvinience and thanks for understanding. I think I just wanted to reach out for compassion and advice

 

[pupnik]

Great, thanks for clearing that up.

Drug culture can shape values in a confusing way, and drugs themselves can act to re-inforce some attitudes, but in the end the attitudes that you most often use become your personality, and if you need to change that, it takes practice.

Professional psych help can help sometimes. personal drive is important, will power, guts. I think you have it.

 

[samm2]

Some say Kiev in Ukraine is europe's greatest city.......some say you can't find better prices, better people than Ukraine.....except for the far east seems like a place I would luv to check out!!!!

Number one priority ukranian people need to do is keep out GMO food......need educating against western capitalistic greed.

 

[Avdotja]

it is great if you are a westerner and recieve your salary in usd. for ukrainian people the average salary is around 200$ and the difference between rich and poor is huge and opportunities of sociaal group mobility is very low

 

[pupnik]

social mobility is low in the west as well.
too bad 4 people cannot marry and get family benefits, buy a single condo and groove on... but getting along with each other is another problem.

mostly we have singles, employed at low wages and no mobility except for mobile phones.

 

[samm2]

it is great if you are a westerner and recieve your salary in usd. for ukrainian people the average salary is around 200$ and the difference between rich and poor is huge and opportunities of sociaal group mobility is very low

In the west also the gap between rich and poor is "huge" and one of the biggest problems facing democracy today ...... this probably is not said in your media or ours as the main media is controlled(by who I wonder?) .....regardless of any democracy.

Truth can be supressed only so long Avo ....

As stated by pupnik the "rags-to-riches" is a fairy tale(but wasn't always).

 

[Wiserthanearlier]

Wow, i feel a lot from your post. I really think the lack of paragraphs was aabout trying to contain a long story.

Tbh, i agree with few points. Likely wrong forum, thats for mods tho. You probably should acknowledge drugs arent the cause.

Aslo though, they wont be a solution. It sounds like you truly need to find what is important to you, how much you4 roots matter and focus there.
Please update us. Although this is likely to be moved to differing forum thread

 

[Avdotja]

thanks. i just wanted some empathy probably. i feel very much alone right now, separated from my boyfriend ,the only person i relied on for support

i dont feel like i was able to be good with words to express my thoughts and feelings and also excuse me because english is not my mothertongue. the thoughts are very chaotic in my head. please note that i dont put any blame on drugs nor do i count on them to solve my problems. they have just been a part of my life and influenced A LOT on shaping some of my values that i try to connect with specific things in my life like career choices and life choices in general.

it just seems that everything that i used to had had been broken to pieces and i am left with severe emotional trauma, at least that is how i feel and just the exact economic situation in my country is making it difficult to take care of basic needs. a bit more difficult than in the western world. trust me on that please.

once again, all i wanted is to feel empathy and kindness from strangers, which i love to give and recieve. so thank you for paying attention