Ambi
Greenlighter
- Joined
- May 15, 2014
- Messages
- 17
Hello,
This is gonna be a long long post.
I have no idea where to start, but I need some serious advice as i'm seriously considering Ayahuasca more and more. I hope to get some good advice here. I think I can say my situation here is quite complex. Here we go;
I've been suffering from anxiety attacks since I can remember, I think its since I was 19 years old. Now I am 33. In 2012/2013 my mother attempted multiple suicides, the anxiety attacks gained exponentially after that. I couldn't handle it anymore so I started to take Benzo's (clonazepam, long lasting benzodiapine) on my own prescription, just bought them off the internet. Bad thing to do, I know, but it helped me alot. Also I used ketamine in attempt to use its "anti-depressant-effect". Also worked, but I almost got hooked on that, nearly escaped addiction, close call. All this was in 2012-2013.
I stopped the Ketamine but I still took my clonazepam. It wasn't very much (2x2mg tablet per week) but as it is a long lasting benzo (48 hours halftime benzo) it covered me for the whole week. Things were ok, I was able to avoid my anxiety attacks/depression. Indeed, I avoided/suppressed it. If I look back, do I feel sorry for doing it? No, not a minute, it helped me living my life for years to come without any problems.
However I also did some experimenting on LSD because I thought I could face my shit that way. It worked alot of times and I felt better after tripping LSD. To make things worse; I became more reckless with LSD as I gained more experience. Something very very wrong, I know, but I can't turn back time.
This resulted in 2 bad trips;
#1 - First one was on a party, GOA music, Psychedelic trance, perfect spot do take LSD. But it was the first time I went ALONE to a party, I think that was my mistake there. Also I didn't drink suger-holding drinks because I needed to drive after the trip was faded. I only drank water. This, in combination with "being alone" there (bad setting/people I dont know) most likely triggered the first bad trip. At the start of the party, everything went fine, till LSD hit the 6-8 hours, things were starting to "not feel right" anymore. My images were distorted, I could feel this wasn't going to be nice, it was something I never seen before on LSD. It wasn't very friendly anymore.
At this point I shouldve drank sugar holding drinks or eat fruit, which I learned afterwards in Timothy Leary's writings about bad trips. So here I was, 9 hour trip already survived, things started to get very ugly from here. Three hours to go. I thought I ended up in a place "between the trip, and reality", some place which is not supposed to exist. I could see the party but my state of mind wasn't right, it seemed like I wasn't supposed to go in that state because it doesnt even exist. I felt stuck, I was convinced I would forever stay in that state of mind. Some folks saved me by taking me home, love them forever. From there things started to get better. --end of badtrip #1--
-
Note; Between those bad trips I had some other trips, which included a perfect enlighted state, so bad trip #1 was forgotten quickly.
-
#2 - Half a year later, and 3 or 4 trips later, bad trip 2 was coming in. If you thought bad trip #1 was scary... read on.
This is the most extreme mental crisis i've faced yet. The bad trip #1 was 9 hours in progress when it flipped to bad, so I had 3 hours to go. Bad trip #2 was the other way around, 3 hours were nice... it turned around when I still had 9(!!) hours to go. This one was at home and it was my own dumb stupid fault. I was drinking beer, like 8. I wasn't even aware that I was going to take LSD, I just did it when I ran out of beer. I remember thinking; "with my experience with LSD, this should work" (with an ALCOHOL hangover coming in!) (STUPID FUCK as I was... I did 50+ times LSD by then, STILL THINKING YOU CAN CONTROL IT?!?! what was I thinking?! I shouldve seen this coming... stupid impulsive action because of alcohol). I'm still very ashamed of that. If anyone could know what was going to happen; Tripping while your alcohol is turning into a hangover.. it was me. And still I decided to do it. But hey, I learned from it.
Anyway, it happened. This was by far the strongest LSD i'd seen. First three hours were beautiful, but also very chaotic. I could see whole universes between my couch where I sat and the table, it was insanely beautiful. Haven't seen something like that ever since or before. But after 3 hours I started thinking "am I going to fast?, what are the images doing?, am I going to be sucked out of this world?" etc. From here things started to get really ugly, really fast.
I dont know if you guys had bad trips on acid, but if you do, i'd like to ask you if you recognize this;
Your vision is getting somekind of "slant", interlaced video with stripes with the colours green, red, blue and sometimes yellow. Your eyes react like theyre stoned, and your mind is racing without you being able to keep up with it. Still I remembered to tell myself; ACCEPT it, LEAVE it, try to meditate...
I tried, but the power of LSD was too strong and it took me. I had to sit 9 hours thinking I went crazy or I was going to die. One big hell until it finally stopped.
From this point on I had some serious problems getting myself together, this lasted for months, even now I sometimes have troubles to put it in perspective so I think you might understand that i'm shivering if I only THINK about doing it again. No shrink is able to help me with this because im convinced ; it came from a psychedelic, so the only way to get straight is by fixing it with a psychedelic. A shrink doesn't even understand 10% what happens on acid, so how's he able to help me? They try, but dont even get close to solutions.
At this point (today) its almost gone but I still can feel "it isn't 100% right" in my mind/consciousness. Problem was I didnt have experienced tripsitters who could guide me through it. My girl did her best to take me out of it, and it kinda worked. But my consciousness was really fucked up the days/weeks/months after. Not able to think straight etc.
So here comes the question;
As shrinks, psych's and doctors can't help me with this because they dont know shit about what these medicine are capable of, i'm considering Ayahuasca more and more everyday. I think this issue came in with a psychedelic and therefore it must also be eliminated with a psychedelic. But this feels like a russian roulette as you might understand. This Ayahuasca would be an all or nothing attempt. I'm quite sure i'm gonna meet my previous bad trips in an Ayahuasca trip. I havent done Ayahuasca before but I think its the most potent substance which could free me from my demons (bad trips). And if I talk about "bad trips", I mean real "bad trips", not trips which weren't very pretty or weren't very easy. There's a very big difference between a Bad Trip and some awful periods in a trip. A lot of people confuse the 2. If you doubt you had a bad trip, you didnt have one, trust me. You will recognize a bad trip, no question about it.
Scary periods in a trip, versus a badtrip, its not even close. In bad trip's you're convinced your gonna die or you will be stuck in the trip forever. Death gets more attractive the longer you stay in it, this is why people jump, because staying in the trip going into a clinic is way worse than death.
-First question; Are there any other persons which tried to recover from previous bad trips taking ayahuasca? I'd really appreciate talking to one of you.
-Second question; Since Setting and the people you're with are strong pillars which could prevent a bad trip, how's this done in an Ayahuasca session? I mean, there are liek 30 people you don't know well, the environment you are in is soemthing you don't know, even if you'd do a solo-session; you don't even know the people who are guiding you. Isn't this asking for another bad trip?
-Third question; What do you guys think about the chance getting confronted with my previous bad trips during aya? I guess thats like a 95% chance right?
Further; I sufffer from depression, work isn't going well at this point i'm close to burn-out. I'm really stuck with my life and I just need something big to make a lifechanging experience. I cant go on like this. Thats why im thinking of ayahuasca, I hardly have another way out of this. Also tips about other ways to get out of this shit are greatly appreciated. I'm also trying microdosing shrooms right now, it helps, but not enough. I think the main problem I face is my emotions are stuck, I never learned to express them thats why I think ayahuasca is the medicine for me.
I looking for seriously good advice from experienced users as I'm having a serious problem here.
Any valuable comment is VERY welcome, you might save my life here.
Thoughts?
Namasté and thanks again, fellow consciousness.
This is gonna be a long long post.
I have no idea where to start, but I need some serious advice as i'm seriously considering Ayahuasca more and more. I hope to get some good advice here. I think I can say my situation here is quite complex. Here we go;
I've been suffering from anxiety attacks since I can remember, I think its since I was 19 years old. Now I am 33. In 2012/2013 my mother attempted multiple suicides, the anxiety attacks gained exponentially after that. I couldn't handle it anymore so I started to take Benzo's (clonazepam, long lasting benzodiapine) on my own prescription, just bought them off the internet. Bad thing to do, I know, but it helped me alot. Also I used ketamine in attempt to use its "anti-depressant-effect". Also worked, but I almost got hooked on that, nearly escaped addiction, close call. All this was in 2012-2013.
I stopped the Ketamine but I still took my clonazepam. It wasn't very much (2x2mg tablet per week) but as it is a long lasting benzo (48 hours halftime benzo) it covered me for the whole week. Things were ok, I was able to avoid my anxiety attacks/depression. Indeed, I avoided/suppressed it. If I look back, do I feel sorry for doing it? No, not a minute, it helped me living my life for years to come without any problems.
However I also did some experimenting on LSD because I thought I could face my shit that way. It worked alot of times and I felt better after tripping LSD. To make things worse; I became more reckless with LSD as I gained more experience. Something very very wrong, I know, but I can't turn back time.
This resulted in 2 bad trips;
#1 - First one was on a party, GOA music, Psychedelic trance, perfect spot do take LSD. But it was the first time I went ALONE to a party, I think that was my mistake there. Also I didn't drink suger-holding drinks because I needed to drive after the trip was faded. I only drank water. This, in combination with "being alone" there (bad setting/people I dont know) most likely triggered the first bad trip. At the start of the party, everything went fine, till LSD hit the 6-8 hours, things were starting to "not feel right" anymore. My images were distorted, I could feel this wasn't going to be nice, it was something I never seen before on LSD. It wasn't very friendly anymore.
At this point I shouldve drank sugar holding drinks or eat fruit, which I learned afterwards in Timothy Leary's writings about bad trips. So here I was, 9 hour trip already survived, things started to get very ugly from here. Three hours to go. I thought I ended up in a place "between the trip, and reality", some place which is not supposed to exist. I could see the party but my state of mind wasn't right, it seemed like I wasn't supposed to go in that state because it doesnt even exist. I felt stuck, I was convinced I would forever stay in that state of mind. Some folks saved me by taking me home, love them forever. From there things started to get better. --end of badtrip #1--
-
Note; Between those bad trips I had some other trips, which included a perfect enlighted state, so bad trip #1 was forgotten quickly.
-
#2 - Half a year later, and 3 or 4 trips later, bad trip 2 was coming in. If you thought bad trip #1 was scary... read on.
This is the most extreme mental crisis i've faced yet. The bad trip #1 was 9 hours in progress when it flipped to bad, so I had 3 hours to go. Bad trip #2 was the other way around, 3 hours were nice... it turned around when I still had 9(!!) hours to go. This one was at home and it was my own dumb stupid fault. I was drinking beer, like 8. I wasn't even aware that I was going to take LSD, I just did it when I ran out of beer. I remember thinking; "with my experience with LSD, this should work" (with an ALCOHOL hangover coming in!) (STUPID FUCK as I was... I did 50+ times LSD by then, STILL THINKING YOU CAN CONTROL IT?!?! what was I thinking?! I shouldve seen this coming... stupid impulsive action because of alcohol). I'm still very ashamed of that. If anyone could know what was going to happen; Tripping while your alcohol is turning into a hangover.. it was me. And still I decided to do it. But hey, I learned from it.
Anyway, it happened. This was by far the strongest LSD i'd seen. First three hours were beautiful, but also very chaotic. I could see whole universes between my couch where I sat and the table, it was insanely beautiful. Haven't seen something like that ever since or before. But after 3 hours I started thinking "am I going to fast?, what are the images doing?, am I going to be sucked out of this world?" etc. From here things started to get really ugly, really fast.
I dont know if you guys had bad trips on acid, but if you do, i'd like to ask you if you recognize this;
Your vision is getting somekind of "slant", interlaced video with stripes with the colours green, red, blue and sometimes yellow. Your eyes react like theyre stoned, and your mind is racing without you being able to keep up with it. Still I remembered to tell myself; ACCEPT it, LEAVE it, try to meditate...
I tried, but the power of LSD was too strong and it took me. I had to sit 9 hours thinking I went crazy or I was going to die. One big hell until it finally stopped.
From this point on I had some serious problems getting myself together, this lasted for months, even now I sometimes have troubles to put it in perspective so I think you might understand that i'm shivering if I only THINK about doing it again. No shrink is able to help me with this because im convinced ; it came from a psychedelic, so the only way to get straight is by fixing it with a psychedelic. A shrink doesn't even understand 10% what happens on acid, so how's he able to help me? They try, but dont even get close to solutions.
At this point (today) its almost gone but I still can feel "it isn't 100% right" in my mind/consciousness. Problem was I didnt have experienced tripsitters who could guide me through it. My girl did her best to take me out of it, and it kinda worked. But my consciousness was really fucked up the days/weeks/months after. Not able to think straight etc.
So here comes the question;
As shrinks, psych's and doctors can't help me with this because they dont know shit about what these medicine are capable of, i'm considering Ayahuasca more and more everyday. I think this issue came in with a psychedelic and therefore it must also be eliminated with a psychedelic. But this feels like a russian roulette as you might understand. This Ayahuasca would be an all or nothing attempt. I'm quite sure i'm gonna meet my previous bad trips in an Ayahuasca trip. I havent done Ayahuasca before but I think its the most potent substance which could free me from my demons (bad trips). And if I talk about "bad trips", I mean real "bad trips", not trips which weren't very pretty or weren't very easy. There's a very big difference between a Bad Trip and some awful periods in a trip. A lot of people confuse the 2. If you doubt you had a bad trip, you didnt have one, trust me. You will recognize a bad trip, no question about it.
Scary periods in a trip, versus a badtrip, its not even close. In bad trip's you're convinced your gonna die or you will be stuck in the trip forever. Death gets more attractive the longer you stay in it, this is why people jump, because staying in the trip going into a clinic is way worse than death.
-First question; Are there any other persons which tried to recover from previous bad trips taking ayahuasca? I'd really appreciate talking to one of you.
-Second question; Since Setting and the people you're with are strong pillars which could prevent a bad trip, how's this done in an Ayahuasca session? I mean, there are liek 30 people you don't know well, the environment you are in is soemthing you don't know, even if you'd do a solo-session; you don't even know the people who are guiding you. Isn't this asking for another bad trip?
-Third question; What do you guys think about the chance getting confronted with my previous bad trips during aya? I guess thats like a 95% chance right?
Further; I sufffer from depression, work isn't going well at this point i'm close to burn-out. I'm really stuck with my life and I just need something big to make a lifechanging experience. I cant go on like this. Thats why im thinking of ayahuasca, I hardly have another way out of this. Also tips about other ways to get out of this shit are greatly appreciated. I'm also trying microdosing shrooms right now, it helps, but not enough. I think the main problem I face is my emotions are stuck, I never learned to express them thats why I think ayahuasca is the medicine for me.
I looking for seriously good advice from experienced users as I'm having a serious problem here.
Any valuable comment is VERY welcome, you might save my life here.
Thoughts?
Namasté and thanks again, fellow consciousness.
