Choline, porn addiction, stuck thoughts, and later depression

[epicjobguy]

Hi

30 yo male, no previous mental health issues. Not taken any drugs before

About 3 years ago, I had a change in porn habits. Usually I watch it for 10 mins of Vanilla porn whilst masterbating. Then I became less interesting in orgasming and more interested in just watching. I would watch and edge for literally 4-6 hours. And I developed fetishes I never had before. And whilst watching had very eutrophic feelings which I?ve never had before. I also became very panicky, little things felt like major disasters in the heat of the moment. Also, I would worry about something, which at the time felt like big issues and it would be in the front of my mind and annoy me all day. And then I would move onto another worry, and then looking back at the previous worry, I was like why was I worried about that? It?s not even an issue. How can My thinking change like that? These worries usually centre around my insecurities and existential angst. Other issues were cold hands, acne, and hemmeroids.

The porn addiction was so bad that I would get hard ons and get wet just thinking about certain images and there was just no way to stop. I could spend my entire weekend just watching.

A weird thing I noticed, so this one worry was driving me crazy all week. These worries don?t really have solutions just I keep feeling like something is wrong. and I remember binging on porn for 4 hours of edging. And after ejaculating, the worries were no longer problems. Like, I thought to myself, why were you even thinking about this stuff before. It?s a non issue, but I only realise that after ejaculating. What is that? It only happens after epic edging sessions though. Normal porn use doesn?t produce thes same effect.

Ok, so only after reading this forum a year ago, someone mentioned choline and Hypersexuality. So I stopped taking fish oil, no eggs and reduced my protein intake from 180g to 60-90g. I am into weightlifting so I follow my diet macros. After around a week, no more crazy sex drive, no fetishes, no more cold hands, intense panic gone. Without any effort the addiction was gone. I also realised that these symptoms all started when I began to take weightlifting more seriously and upped my protein and omega 3 intake. I thought I was sorted. I still had worry issues though. I would still make mountains out of molehills and only a week later realise I was worrying about nothing.

And then, a few months later, I fell into a deep depression. Totally adhonic, like what?s the point in doing anything. Hardly sleeping. Couldn?t be bothered to go to the gym, my most favourite past time. Low sex drive. Worries that just never go away. This has happened 3 times over a year since stopping porn edging. When I?m a depressive state, I end up edging and that seems to pull me out of the depression?? I also noticed that after edging, my heart rate during cardio is a whole 30 bps lower than usual for a week or so and then over the weeks the heart rate during cardio goes up. Any link there?

Also during my first depressive episode, I took tyrosine a week before I came out of it. And I remember the day when I felt better. I felt really good, gym session was great, music was great. And I cried in the shower out of relief because I felt like the old me. Felt like a real bounce in terms on mood. Which I?ve never felt before. Again any links there? And was in a great mood for a few months after that. Made a lot of positive changes. until the next depressive episodes.

Anyways, anyone know what?s wrong with me and how to fix it? I have a feeling that although the addiction is over, the excessive edging has left me with some issues. I?m not a no fap guy or anything btw. But I hear a lot of dopamine related issues, but I?m not well bereaved in this area. Currently in a depressed state for the past 6 weeks. Also I want to fix because I don?t want to be in the same position in 3 months time.
I am so utterly sick and tired of this, I want my old brain back.

Sincerely thank you for responses

 

[herbavore]

I had to look up what edging meant which led me to a website dedicated to porn addiction. I don't know if you have ever had a look but maybe it would be a helpful resource? You don't have to be a 'nofap' guy to benefit from some of the discussions there just like you do not have to be abstinent of all drugs to benefit from discussions of addiction with others who are themselves completely abstinent.

I think all addictions get lodged in the brain the same way--it could be drugs, foods, sex, porn, shoplifting....whatever. In a nutshell what has happened is that you have trained your brain to crave something that once felt good and reinforced it by obsessive or habitual conditioning. When you go to deprive your brain of this anticipation and reward, your brain is thrown into turmoil. That's my very unscientific way to describe it anyway.

So it sometimes makes sense that you will have to endure a period of readjustment (like PAWS). If you can see this readjustment period as something positive rather than negative it will go from 'enduring' to something more proactive. You sound like a person with a very healthy amount of self-discipline (diet, lifting, etc) so look at this (your brain, your relationship to emotions) as an exciting challenge like building your muscles.

Society really does a number on all of us when it comes to the relationship we have with our truest selves: our emotional selves. But males suffer doubly IMO. Try to pay laser-like attention to your moods. Are they really tied to chemicals or are they heavily influenced by thoughts that may be so habitual that you do not even notice them creeping back in? Most of us have very stealthy self-undermining voices that have been with us since early childhood. It can make life so much more interesting and engaging to start paying attention to the internal structure of those thoughts and to develop a "talking back" voice. Say you see a kid being bullied and he just allows the bully to convince him he is a "loser' or something like that. You want him to stand up for himself and talk back. Many years ago I discovered that everything that made me feel bad about myself/my life might have come from the outside once upon a time but now I was the one in charge of dishing out the bullying against myself. I don't know if this resonates with you or not but I'm just putting it out there because I think this kind of internal work can pay big dividends throughout one's life.

You may not need your old brain back. Maybe what you need is to allow yourself this period of uncomfortable feelings and simply try to push yourself through them in small but concrete ways each day. I suffer a lot these days from lack of motivation and low level depression. It's never simple. The root causes are a tangled mess tbh. Still, I'm not afraid to wade in and start pulling threads to see what unravels. Anxiety sets in when I convince myself that A) this will always keep happening to me and B) I have no control over it. True, we can't control everything. The game of life is figuring out what we can and cannot control and pouring our efforts into what we can.

 

[spacejunk]

I suffer a lot these days from lack of motivation and low level depression. It's never simple. The root causes are a tangled mess tbh.

such a great post, herby.

i get the impression that epicjobguy has convinced himself a bit that he's found the source of the problem, and that it's related to diet and instake of certain nutrients. given how drastic and life-affecting your issues have become, have you spoken to a doctor about this?
i assume a referal to a specialist (nutritionist, or someone who specialises in sexual or even psychological disorders) could be really beneficial.

i mean - our specialist area of knowledge at bluelight relates more to substance use. specifically illegal and obscure substances that aren't well understood by conventional medical professionals.
when you say you don't use - and haven't used - drugs, does that just refer to illegal psychoactive drugs?
any performance enhancing substances or bodybuilding supplements? do you take anything besides omega 3 supplements?
any prescriptions? i mean, you didn't get scripted ADHD meds around then or anything?

i don't mean to downplay how helpful and knowledgable people in our community are - but this sounds like it needs to be taken seriously as a medical issue.

it sounds to me like something that could have a whole lot of explanations and needs to be looked at properly, and think presumptuous diagnoses from strangers online could cause more harm than help.

but anyway - welcome to bluelight