Exhausted cant believe how fast everything became so normal 2 me

[attention_horror_621]

outsidde of a few timez here and there i'd never been really that in2 any substancess until liiike,, idk like 6+ monthsishh ago. i was clean straight edge, had a self harm issue and a bit of an ED, but was determined 2 stay sober bc i knew im prone to addiction and i knew my brain is so fucky i didnt need 2 influence it with anything else etc etc etc etc.

then i got used to weed, only using on occasion,, then i decided id b open to any psychadelic, then i was open to some light stims and alchohol, then heavier and heavier and heavier and before i know it im drunk off my ass every fucking night if not day im shoveling down any drugs i can get my hands on my best friend stopped talking to me my family is concerned and disappointed in my lying and substance abuse my girlfriend almost left me bc she said she didnt recognize me anymore (she's on better terms with me now large in part to me mostly just being less open with her about my substance abuse)

soon im fucked off valium vodka and delsym laying in recovery position trying not to die at 8am on a random thursday and realizing im THAT person im that fucking asshole who's a miserable jittery half conscious all the time piece of shit bastard who cant stay sober for more than like an hour at a time. in the coming days im rolling around sitting in a corner shaking with my bpm 20 beets slower than normal wondering WHY is it alcohol withdrawls my shitty probs synthetic weed is it the delsym did i forget to take my meds WHY.

i know i should stop, i know i should and can quit while im ahead, but i cant and wouldnt for anything. its a mix of self harm, polyaddiction, and just having something consistent and reliable to fall back on in my life. yeah.

but yeah, purrr. whatevr.

 

[attention_horror_621]

cant believe i used to scoff at stoners for smoking every day lmao idk if i'll ever willingly spend more than a day or 2 sober in my life.

 

[attention_horror_621]

i used 2 refuse to even vape weed bc i didnt wanna effect my voice now i accept all the fatigue and the brain frying and my eyes sinking into my skull and knowing im destroying myself is almost half the fun

 

[Jerry Atrick]

outsidde of a few timez here and there i'd never been really that in2 any substancess until liiike,, idk like 6+ monthsishh ago. i was clean straight edge, had a self harm issue and a bit of an ED, but was determined 2 stay sober bc i knew im prone to addiction and i knew my brain is so fucky i didnt need 2 influence it with anything else etc etc etc etc.

then i got used to weed, only using on occasion,, then i decided id b open to any psychadelic, then i was open to some light stims and alchohol, then heavier and heavier and heavier and before i know it im drunk off my ass every fucking night if not day im shoveling down any drugs i can get my hands on my best friend stopped talking to me my family is concerned and disappointed in my lying and substance abuse my girlfriend almost left me bc she said she didnt recognize me anymore (she's on better terms with me now large in part to me mostly just being less open with her about my substance abuse)

soon im fucked off valium vodka and delsym laying in recovery position trying not to die at 8am on a random thursday and realizing im THAT person im that fucking asshole who's a miserable jittery half conscious all the time piece of shit bastard who cant stay sober for more than like an hour at a time. in the coming days im rolling around sitting in a corner shaking with my bpm 20 beets slower than normal wondering WHY is it alcohol withdrawls my shitty probs synthetic weed is it the delsym did i forget to take my meds WHY.

i know i should stop, i know i should and can quit while im ahead, but i cant and wouldnt for anything. its a mix of self harm, polyaddiction, and just having something consistent and reliable to fall back on in my life. yeah.

but yeah, purrr. whatevr.

Hey there, I'm sorry you are going through all this

The one thing on your post that first seemed to jump off the page at me was the "synthetic weed" comment. Are you talking about stuff like K2, Spice, etc? That shit is bad news, man. It is known to cause psychosis. I used to be a social worker in low income housing for people formerly experiencing chronic homelessness. Some of my clients used to smoke that shit and literally wake up in the hospital handcuffed to a bed, meaning law enforcement had been involved.

Also, delsym is not supposed to be mixed with alcohol. Benzos shouldn't be mixed with alcohol either. You are playing with fire with a loaded Russian roulette gun while walking a tightrope over a pit of alligators all at the same time, dude. Bluelight is first and foremost a Harm Reduction site. I'm not saying you have to completely quit all substances but you seriously need to consider what you are using and mixing otherwise you will end up in a pine box.

I'm not trying to minimalize your addictions but you should start thinking out what is causing you to use. Do you have past trauma? Is something going on or did something previously happen that is causing you to want to turn to substances instead of facing your problems? Are you attempting to self-medicate your way out of underlying mental illness? These are all things a therapist can help you work through. Have you considered any sort of rehab to get cleaned up and restarted with a fresh perspective? Like I said, you don't have to quit all substances permanently for the rest of your life but I think it would help to get a new start and think about what you are using and how to do it in moderation.

We all like to catch a buzz once in a while. That's what draws most people to Bluelight. But there is a difference between using in moderation and careening down a suicidal path to oblivion. You don't seem suicidal because you talked about how the treatment of your family, friends, and gf have affected you. You seem to know change will benefit you but are unwilling or don't know how to change. Maybe someone else can chime in with better advice, this is just my .02

 

[attention_horror_621]

Hey there, I'm sorry you are going through all this

The one thing on your post that first seemed to jump off the page at me was the "synthetic weed" comment. Are you talking about stuff like K2, Spice, etc? That shit is bad news, man. It is known to cause psychosis. I used to be a social worker in low income housing for people formerly experiencing chronic homelessness. Some of my clients used to smoke that shit and literally wake up in the hospital handcuffed to a bed, meaning law enforcement had been involved.

Also, delsym is not supposed to be mixed with alcohol. Benzos shouldn't be mixed with alcohol either. You are playing with fire with a loaded Russian roulette gun while walking a tightrope over a pit of alligators all at the same time, dude. Bluelight is first and foremost a Harm Reduction site. I'm not saying you have to completely quit all substances but you seriously need to consider what you are using and mixing otherwise you will end up in a pine box.

I'm not trying to minimalize your addictions but you should start thinking out what is causing you to use. Do you have past trauma? Is something going on or did something previously happen that is causing you to want to turn to substances instead of facing your problems? Are you attempting to self-medicate your way out of underlying mental illness? These are all things a therapist can help you work through. Have you considered any sort of rehab to get cleaned up and restarted with a fresh perspective? Like I said, you don't have to quit all substances permanently for the rest of your life but I think it would help to get a new start and think about what you are using and how to do it in moderation.

We all like to catch a buzz once in a while. That's what draws most people to Bluelight. But there is a difference between using in moderation and careening down a suicidal path to oblivion. You don't seem suicidal because you talked about how the treatment of your family, friends, and gf have affected you. You seem to know change will benefit you but are unwilling or don't know how to change. Maybe someone else can chime in with better advice, this is just my .02

thank u for the response ,, and yeah ive got a therapist and im on medication etc etc etc but my past trauma + anxiety + gender dysphoria + depression + adhd + possible autism + genetic propensity towards addiction + general life stresses + loneliness + inability to care is kicking my ASSSS lmao. i used to self medicate with kratom and mild shit but at this point im kinda just consciously pushing myself closer to death bc life is turning me inside out and flinging me against a wall a hundred thousand times. in a sense im more suicidal than ever but also cant bring myself to directly end my shit bc ive got a good, like, 2 people irl who i really dont wanna upset. in a sense i feel perpetually drunk,, 100% aware of my conditions, the risks i take, the unsustaneable habbits i have, etc. but am just too jaded to care.

i hope im not breaking tos or misusing the website by venting without a real harm reduction goal (not that im opposed to harm reduction tips, u get what i mean.), i kinda just feel like im in a headlock and whether i end up recovered and sober or cold and blue i just need to get this shit out there somewhere.

your response helps me as much as anyone's words could right now and that means a lot to me, thank you