Brand new and had a revelation about my opiate usage.

[Hierophanty]

Hello there,
I would love some general advice.
I have adult onset epilepsy, it started when I was 22.

After a particularly bad set of sezuires when I was 23 a doctor prescribed me 5 mg diazipam, to "take if I felt one coming on".
So I did.

Then I got a new doctor who was horrified and stopped the prescription.

At first it was fine and then it wasn't fine and I started to source from other people.

I had a friend that sold her prescription and it went from there.

I am 39 now and have been on and off them over the years, the off was usually due to circumstances.

I would and still do particularly take them if I drink, in my 20s I drank a lot and considered it part of my hangover cure.
It is less of an issue now because I don't really drink anymore.

I started getting panic attacks about 9 years ago and I have been looking for anything to knock them dead.

After a few years of not having any I was able to get hold of some and that started it all back up again.
It was amazing for my panic attacks, it was so freeing.

Until last year, life took a bad turn and I was regularly take 20-30 mg a day and my anxiety kept getting worse.

I eventually ran out of money and then ran out of the drug and had a bad time, very suicidal etc.
I came through and every thing was great.

I was still having panic attacks but they were less and even though in the mist of a bad one I would cry for a pam to stop it, it was mostly fine.

I got a bit of a windfall in October last year and I decide to buy a lot " for when my panic is really bad" and a lot because if I ran out of money I would still have safety.

6 months later and I am back to taking them daily.

So the good is that the most I currently take is 5mg a day. It is usually 2.5mg, some days I don't take it at all.

The bad, I am having more and more panic attacks which is making me take more, I haven't just taken a full 10 mg yet but I know it is not far off.

I feel really stupid that I am only just putting two and two together and realising that my increased panic attacks are being caused by the diazipam.

So I need to stop, but I am not really sure if you taper on such a low dose and maybe if I just stopped it wouldn't feel as bad as it did last time but I don't really want to risk it.

So any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Coffeeshroom]

Hey bud, if your supply is a constant now, first get stable and then maybe consider tapering down

 

[December Flower]

Hey bud, if your supply is a constant now, first get stable and then maybe consider tapering down

I'm so sorry for interrupting, but what is this getting stable?
I read it a lot, but I just don't understand what is implied by that.

@OP So you're not getting any Anti-Seizure medicine for your seizures, did I get that right?
What is this new Doctor giving you instead for the seizures? And can't you just get another Doctor?
Good luck about stopping, I hope you make it

 

[Coffeeshroom]

I'm so sorry for interrupting, but what is this getting stable?
I read it a lot, but I just don't understand what is implied by that.

@OP So you're not getting any Anti-Seizure medicine for your seizures, did I get that right?
What is this new Doctor giving you instead for the seizures? And can't you just get another Doctor?
Good luck about stopping, I hope you make it

Well he later on replied that he is getting them again now and while off them he did exp a few instances. so if he is getting them now and not having any problems, should he the not then find away to stable this? Thats all im asking.

 

[Hierophanty]

I'm so sorry for interrupting, but what is this getting stable?
I read it a lot, but I just don't understand what is implied by that.

@OP So you're not getting any Anti-Seizure medicine for your seizures, did I get that right?
What is this new Doctor giving you instead for the seizures? And can't you just get another Doctor?
Good luck about stopping, I hope you make it

I was first prescribed them back when I was 23 and not on meds.
I am on epilepsy meds and have been sezuire free for 10 years.
The diazipam I use is street bought not prescribed.
Thanks

 

[Hierophanty]

Hey bud, if your supply is a constant now, first get stable and then maybe consider tapering down

I currently have enough that would probably last me the next year at the rate I am currently taking them but... it won't stay at that rate.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

I currently have enough that would probably last me the next year at the rate I am currently taking them but... it won't stay at that rate.

I hear ya. Pills in hand mean pills in mouth. It's a compulsive behavior to take them because they are in your possession. You have the ability to taper with that quantity and eventually come off if that is your true goal. I wish you strength and stamina.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

So I need to stop, but I am not really sure if you taper on such a low dose and maybe if I just stopped it wouldn't feel as bad as it did last time but I don't really want to risk it.

Nah, I wouldn't just cease the usage of diazepam (or whatever the chemical(s) that is/are psychoactive in the pills). I am of the opinion that these "panic" attacks are instead withdrawal symptoms. Indeed; panic will be one side effect of sudden cessation of regular usage of diazepines. At least it is for me.
Need to stop? May I ask why? I mean, is there a particular reason one would want or need to stop? Just asking as without some incentive this feat will be difficult at best. This long term usage has not only fed a physical dependence and "mental" but has also become a routine or habit, which is just as difficult (IME) to change as other aspects of addiction.
Tapering at any dose is considered - by most - to be less of a danger than just quitting. Would one rather jump from third floor, second or out the ground floor window? I must admit I have lived through some jumps in my day but they take more of a toll on me these days so I do my best to just open a door and stroll through. Easier on the mind, soul and helps keep the drama down when others are around.

Welcome to bluelight and we wish you the best whatever that may be for you. Stick around for a bit and kick the shit with us, yes?
Be safe and think this through. It is not only possible to reach a goal... it is necessary for growth if one inspires to such.
Peace

 

[Fiori di Bella]

Am I missing something?

Your thread title says that you’ve had a revelation about your opiate usage, yet you seem to be using benzos, (Diazepam in this case) only.

Were you previously taking opiates and you made a switch? Are you also using opiates?