Begging for help

[ron2]

hi everyone..im going to try to make this as quick as possible...but its going to be long..if someone out there has the time and energy to read my long story just know that your helping someone who is going through some serious trauma...so here it goes..began using opiates such as oxies and Percocet since 2010...obviously you know how it goes..and the story doesn't end...at one point it was 150mg a day..maybe more ..who knows..but I was off the wall..so on and off..and then ofcourse when u don't have a money and cant get ur fix u take that one sub u find..it helps for a couple days and then your back....or u go that 4 weeks which feels like the world and then u go back...but heres where my situation is so damn bad..and I'm praying someone reads this...
its my problems..............lost my dad almost a year ago...unemployed for over a year....no job....no money...no healthcare....on the verge of possibly losing a marriage...but that's not even the bad part...
so back in December I quit cold turkey...just with 2 subs...and I thought I was the man doing this.....but boy did I hit rock bottom...I fell into the worst depression ever..and I mean worst worst worst worst....lost over 30 pounds...didn't leave the house for like 5 months..and guys..i legit went kuku...obviously I would go out here and there but it wasn't far.....and the problems that came with this was everyone was fed up with my crap bc I come from an old school family who just wants me to work and pay bills..and boy am I stressing...and ofcourse legal troubles ofcourse from this crap....its all hell isn't it? well it doesn't end there..
my anxiety was so bad..i vomit everytime I inhale my cigarettes too deep or what not..i legit vomit and begin to shake..always nervous..scared of everything..ive even developed a driving phobia where I'm afraid to speed past 50mph... and this is coming from someone who used to race cars...
I finally afforded to go see a doctor and turns out my thyroid levels were dangerously low but ive been on synthroid now for about 4 weeks...and this is the sad part..
my family wants me to get better so bad..i have 3 siblings who are doing great and one sibling whose the toughest yet got it going on because hes still on them...so ofcourse my mom is so worried she almost had a heart attack from tired of seeing me the way I am...depressed..out of it..always scared..etc etc etc..and its the same thoughts over and over that just keep racing in my head..i think about it all..how am I gonna do this how am I gonna do tha t....so to make a long story short........
I went 7 months clean..and recently my own brother (has no bad intention behind it he thinks that ill be able to just quit just like that again) but he started giving me 10/325s just to see if it gets me going...
please let me addd...when I found out about the thyroid problem..doctor gave me Lexapro and gabapentin < to help me sleep....
I took the Lexapro for a month and didn't like how it feels..my right temple hurts all the time...I got my eyes checked for the driving and they said my vision was off but not by much..i just want to drive normal!!! heres the problem...
I stopped taking the Lexapro...I stopped taking the gabapentin...
I'm still taking my thyroid meds but I'm back on 4 10/325 a day..and I honestly don't want it.....its not helping me...guys I just want to drive normal and be normal but legit everyone thinks rons got "slow" everything is like slow motion for me...driving 50 feels like I'm going 80.....for some reason I feel like I don't have that adrenaline ive always had..i swear to god I'm crying as I type this because theres so much more I wanna add but don't know where to start.....
I have an opportunity now with my brother who has a used car dealer and hes going to be paying me weekly but I honestly want to quit the percs..I don't want ot build up a tolerance and this is been about 7 weeks now that I'm back on them but theyre not giving me the same upper effect it had before when I felt I could conquer the world..the scary thoughts don't stop...I feel like I'm dying..or that I'm going to die..its sickening..
I want to get better so bad...everyone thinks I want attention..I DONT HAVE SUPPORT! I don't have no support at all..everyone in my family is just like ..ok its cool to work with ur brother go uber a little and I'm like I'm freaking scared to drive I always feel confused...im afraid to switch lanes..how did this all happen...
is it the thyroid..is it bc I stopped taking the antidepressant? is it really the glasses? I doubt..but ill get the new ones soon...I feel like such a bum bc everyones financially helped me and my current issues are that sharp pain in my left shoulder..that pain in my right temple..
I do have access to buy a sub from a friend..but what do I do..please someone out there..please I beg someone..help me....the problem is...I feel like I'm always confused..in a daze..i cant concentrate when I'm driving...im only comfortable in my area..but today I went with my brother 3 hours away..ofcourse he drove..and I don't mind being passenger..but as far as me driving...no no no..i cant..last week I drove 20 miles away..i did it...did a couple ubers..but it just feels so damn difficult..im always afraid
ive hit some serious trauma haven't I??? I get that..i took a gabapentin and it did help me sleep couple nights ago..but its like..where do I go from here...I just drive on the highway and I did fine...now if I go somewhere I don't know I start to feel nervous and panicky can't concentrate....like I honestly don't know what to do from here...do I get a sub fight it and try to man the hell up and just drive...or what do I do...

 

[strangefruitp]

Stay strong man. I've been addicted to opiates since age 12, I'm 19 now, the only thing that honestly helped me get off was kratom. Order an ounce online and start with 3 grams, then slowly start to taper yourself down until the ounce is gone.. It won't be painless but it'll be a hell of a lot less painful

 

[zebedee79]

I can totally see where you're coming from, me and probably alot of other members can relate to your opiate problem. The constant cycle of using and quitting, withdrawal takes it out of the best of us and when you're constantly fighting against it mixed with all the other problems life throws at you it will affect your mental health. To be honest the only thing I can see helping you is some sort of support, you need help with your problems. I'm not in the US so I don't what your healthcare is like, is there no way you can get on a legit programme with subs or methadone, or some sort of drug counselling? If not you could try narcotics anonymous, it's definitely not for everyone (I hated it) but some people swear by it so it's worth a try.

If nothings available to you then I guess you have to do it on your own. Kratom was suggested above, that's worth considering. Or get the subs and taper off quickly, if you look on the board there's plenty of threads on this topic. You basically halve or reduce your dose substantially each day for about a week, it's alot better than cold turkey but requires some strength to stick to a regime.

And it doesn't sound to me that you're in any fit state to be a taxi driver, it's none of my business but I really think you need to sort yourself out before you even consider driving people around. You've got to live with it if you fuck up, and drivings dangerous at the best of times.

Anyway good luck, plenty of people have been in your situation and come out the other side ok so you're not alone. There's a board on here calles the dark side, it's support for people battling addiction. Sometimes just writing things down can help, if you've got no support at all then it's worth a try.

 

[Keif' Richards]

You'd be surprised man. A lot of us will go the distance in trying to help each other through difficult times such as this. I hate to be a dick, but this isn't really the appropriate place for this thread. I know you're struggling so I'm going to save my beaureaucratic bullshit for another day, when you're more familiar with how our forums operate. In short, we have different areas that are respectively dedicated to subjects like recovery, socialization, shooting the shit etc. Basic Drug Discussion is intended to be dedicated entirely to the safe practice of physically consuming drugs.

I'm sorry to hear that the cycle is not going well for you. I'm sorry, but I'm sick myself this morning and my mental fog/lack of motivation is not allowing me to decipher your entire wall of text. Would you be interested in some help locating services? It's my opinion, that when somebody is dealing with significant legal issue, it might be the time to consider chaining themselves to a program. In short, you might not be able to trust yourself to not destroy your life.

Let us know. We're here for you in whatever capacity you need within the bounds of law and reason.

 

[keeping]

Rapid Subutex/Suboxone Taper

follow that link and read up if you wanna get clean in two weeeks.
also, its obvious this is tearing you apart man, i've left links to our recovery support forums that deal specifically with mental health, you should check it out. the guys over there totally get what you're going through andthey could tell you about various options available to you that we over here at BAsic Drug Discussion know nothing about (because all we deal with is standard drug questions like dosages and bad trips.)

speaking of bad trips, the last link i'm leaving for you here is for our Dark Side section which is also a part of the recovery forums. despair and other difficult thoughts are a part of recovery but they don't have to define it - the guys over at the dark side have all been exactly where you are right now and can show you how to get through it man.

those three links are exactly what you need, check them out now and start you journey to recovery on the right foot.
take care
keeps.

 

[Blueeyes01]

I'm so sad to hear you're struggling. Do you see a counselor? I'd try to plug in, find one you love. I'm going to say this in fear of sounding "silly" but honestly open up a bible. I find so much hope in the scriptures. Watch Steven Furtick's sermons online. Plugging into a church family and joining some of their groups aimed at addiction/anxiety will surround you with good people who you can lean on. I'm currently on Suboxone for Oxycodone WDs and I too suffer depression and take Zoloft. Find a good psychiatrist. Hang in there.

 

[kookiekaren]

I feel for you man. All I can think about is drugs. It is a horrible situation to be in. I am tired of chasing the dragon.i have been swindled out of thousands of dollars. I am angry and hurt that people take so much advantage and steal from you.

 

[lucifersam666]

Keep up the good work. Stick with the uber job for a while. I think it is a good thing to conquer your fear of driving. You have fallen off the horse and you just need to get back on it. Don't over think it, man. Had you considered tapering down all meds, and checking out Kratom? Also, have you tried to partake in an open dialogue with your brother -- communicating how you feel to him about the situation?