Becoming addicted to benzos... Help please.

[xan_master]

So I have abused every benzo under the sun at some point in my life, but never became dependant on them . I would usually do 2 weeks on 2 weeks off and be fine. Well I quit for a year after (literally) nearly killing myself in a car wreck while on 20mg of etizolam and drunk.

Fast forward till now I had a bad bad trip on 4aco dmt and started having bad anxiety. My dumb ass bought 3.5g of etizolam for some reason and I've been taking ~1-3 mg a day for 35 days or so now.

Am I at risk of seizuers if I CT? I can maintain at 0.125 (volumetric dosing) 3-4x a day but often at night I'm really anxious and end up taking a Klonopin to sleep. Im already dependant on kratom (used for 3 years now) and I really don't want a nasty benzo habitt. Please does anyone have any advice on what I should do. I work 7 days a week 12hr a day so I cannot take time off to detox and I also cannot deal with anxiety. I know, I'm a mess, but does anyone have some good advice? I'd appreciate it. Like if I force myself to CT now will I have bad withdrawls or die from them? That's part of what is making me so anxious now.

 

[Mafioso]

I'm not qualified to answer the question of whether or not you are at risk, and given the information here, more than likely neither is anyone else. The safe or responsible answer is Yes, there is a risk but how great of one can not be answered.

Having had a grand mal seizure unexpectedly myself when I thought I was in the clear, my best advice would be taper and play it safe. I've gone crazy twice, full on visual and auditory hallucinations with delusional thought. You won't know until it is too late to do anything about it. I was feeling pretty wild prior to having a seizure but until it happens there are no blatant warning signs that I know of, and without medical supervision I'm not sure what you would do other than take more benzos in hopes of a temporary relief.

Switch to the benzo with the longest half life that you can get and only take it at night and in "emergency" situations. Not actual medical emergencies obviously, but when you feel like youo are at your limits take only enough to push on. It's going to be an uncomfortable process and you should keep the taper as short as possible.


Really though, the best thing you can do for yourself is find a doctor that is knowledgeable and willing to help you taper or go to a detox. A detox medically supervised detox center would be the safest route if possible. It may be hard to find a GP that is willing to help for a lot of reasons.

 

[xan_master]

Thanks. I've got some diclazepam coming soon, I can maintain on like 1mg a day and be fine, perhaps a slow taper off 0.1mg every week would work? I just really don't want to die from benzo withdrawls. I just feel fucking ashamed of myself that I'm hooked on something again after all the work I did to be clean. I do have an appt with my psychiatrist in 2 weeks so I supposed I could talk with them about it.

 

[Mafioso]

A slow taper should work. Maybe start spacing the doses out between days as you progress further on the taper. You are going to have to push yourself but it's difficult to know how far is too far exactly. Better to play it safe in this case, In all honesty a month isn't that long, but I don't think I was taking alprazolam/xans for much longer when I had a seizure. I was taking very high doses. How much is 1mg of diclazepam?

I think getting help is something to consider, you could be saving yourself a lot of trouble even though you aren't that bad at the moment. Even finding a substance use disorder counselor might help if you are continually using. To be honest, I wouldn't be so sure to say that you haven't already become physically dependent. I had a seizure about 2 weeks cold turkey off of alprazolam.

Take care of yoruself like you would a friend in need. Beating up a friend struggling with addiction won't really do much for the benefit of your friend. Might help you get rid of some anger at the cost of your friend. Denial and secrecy won't help the problem either. The facts are facts and admitting that there is an issue really is the beginning of addressing it.

It's pretty common to want to hide these issues and solve them by ourselves. It can be a embarrassing and humbling. Hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised by others' responses.. I know I was. Anyone who acts like they never fall down is only fooling themselves if anyone. It takes courage to admit something embarrassing. You don't need to go around telling the world, it's more about being honest with the people you are hiding it from. It's overcoming the fear that is keeping you in hiding. But really though, who cares if others are going to judge you. That is not your issue, that is theirs. You can still accept them even if they choose to reject you, you don't have to carry the hate and negativity. I didn't understand what it was like until I went through it myself so I can't expect everyone else to hold my current views on the matter. I was uneducated about the subject before as many are. But there are also a lot of people who are understanding and know someone with similar struggles. In terms of struggling to break a bad habit, most everyone can relate to the struggle of eating well and not eating trash. No one is truly in control and we are all creatures of habit.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hi Xan Master, Mafioso has made some very good points and they are right. I would suggest a taper down and switch over to diazepam. I would seriously suggest reading the Ashton Manual which can be found here https://www.benzo.org.uk/manual . Seriously give it a read as it helped me a lot when I tapered from etizolam. I was taking a lot more than you unfortunately so went through a lot of pain. However your doses are not too high. 1mg of etizolam equates to roughly 10mg diazepam so please keep that in mind when readying the manual. Chapter 2 has the bulk of the information and tapering plans. There is specifically a plan on how to taper from 40mg diazepam which by the looks of it is a close match to what you're taking.

Also I'd just like to advise that having 3+ g's of etizolam lying around probably won't help with and cravings so I would suggest that you throw this out once you have the diazepam. There were times during my etizolam withdrawal after I had finished my taper I would sometimes find the odd etizolam pill under my bed or whatever and literally couldn't stop myself taking it.

Unfortunately it is likely that you will have rebound anxiety and insomnia like you have stated above. With this diazepam this will be greatly reduced (it was for me) however you will unfortunately get some withdrawal symptoms. Doing research and posting here on Bluelight can help you through that so you're not doing it alone. You could also start a recovery journal over at the Sober Living forum. this will help you keep check of how your feeling and also keep you accountable. I think they are very useful. Anyways good luck with everything I know what it's like and it is a journey. I'm currently going through a long drawn out clonazepam withdrawal myself. Unfortunately I'm in a foreign country and didn't have the access to taper on diazepam so had to go cold turkey so it's rough. All the best mate!

 

[xan_master]

Thanks for the insightful post friend. For the first 3 weeks it was only at night around 3-6mg then I started feeling rebound anxiety through the day so I started taking 0.25mg of Clonazepam 2x a day and then 1mg of etiz at night and been keeping steady at that for almost 2 weeks now. Alas, I've got to solve this issue asap. I have the diclazepam which has like an 60-100ish hour half life and is equipotent to etiz. I'm going to see how 1mg at night only works out and try tapering 0.1mg every week or so. I've had 3 week binges before and stoped just fine but I defiantly feel myself becoming physticallt and mentally dependant. I will likely have a talk with my mother about this tomorrow too (she's a nurse and I know won't look down on me even though she thought I was clean).

 

[herbavore]

Make sure that you are supplementing all you are doing to taper, etc, with non-drug therapies that have an excellent record for reducing anxiety. These include the kind of mind retraining from mindfulness, conscious breathing techniques and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). You would be amazed at how much control we actually can gain over our worrying thoughts.

Resources:There are several reputable low-cost programs online in many languages for CBT. (Moodgym is the most well-known and several BLers have spoken very highly of it).

http://www.anxietycoach.com/anxietysymptoms.html for talking yourself out of anxious thought spirals

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conscious_breathing

A really simple exercise to ground you in your body:https://www.mindful.org/a-3-minute-body-scan-meditation-to-cultivate-mindfulness/

 

[xan_master]

Hi Xan Master, Mafioso has made some very good points and they are right. I would suggest a taper down and switch over to diazepam. I would seriously suggest reading the Ashton Manual which can be found here https://www.benzo.org.uk/manual . Seriously give it a read as it helped me a lot when I tapered from etizolam. I was taking a lot more than you unfortunately so went through a lot of pain. However your doses are not too high. 1mg of etizolam equates to roughly 10mg diazepam so please keep that in mind when readying the manual. Chapter 2 has the bulk of the information and tapering plans. There is specifically a plan on how to taper from 40mg diazepam which by the looks of it is a close match to what you're taking.

Also I'd just like to advise that having 3+ g's of etizolam lying around probably won't help with and cravings so I would suggest that you throw this out once you have the diazepam. There were times during my etizolam withdrawal after I had finished my taper I would sometimes find the odd etizolam pill under my bed or whatever and literally couldn't stop myself taking it.

Unfortunately it is likely that you will have rebound anxiety and insomnia like you have stated above. With this diazepam this will be greatly reduced (it was for me) however you will unfortunately get some withdrawal symptoms. Doing research and posting here on Bluelight can help you through that so you're not doing it alone. You could also start a recovery journal over at the Sober Living forum. this will help you keep check of how your feeling and also keep you accountable. I think they are very useful. Anyways good luck with everything I know what it's like and it is a journey. I'm currently going through a long drawn out clonazepam withdrawal myself. Unfortunately I'm in a foreign country and didn't have the access to taper on diazepam so had to go cold turkey so it's rough. All the best mate!

Thank you very much kind sir. One last question I have is will I feel withdralws before I have a seizure, or can I feel perfectly fine and have one? Like do they happen a few hours into withdrawal or what? Not been able to find much info on regards to that or how exactly the we can be fatal. Alas, I'm going to man the fuck up and taper off before this 1 month becomes 1 year

 

[Mafioso]

You will definitely be feeling withdrawals and all kinds of crazy before going into seizure. Benzos work on the GABA receptors in the brain in similar areas as alcohol. The way I've heard it explained is that when the suppression of the GABA receptors is stopped(cessation of use) the brain, having tried to counter the initial change in levels(benzo use) is now working in overdrive to make up for the lack of stimulation. The brain overshoots and now there is too much activity, putting you at risk of seizure.

But even still, you won't be able to see a seizure or psychosis coming. You might know you are in trouble once you are already there but your thought process is not going to be like it normally is. Add in insomnia, restlessness, anxiety like you never thought possible and it's the perfect recipe for a disaster. It can be pretty dangerous when you are blacked out or even not fully cognitive.

It's something you need to take seriously and be vigilant but at the same time you have to take it slow. Rushing and trying to go too quickly will lead to failure and cause more pain.


There is nothing weak about getting clean. Recovery will make you stronger and bring a lot of perspective. Addiction is not the result of weakness, it's the result of mistakes and problems left unaddressed. Before I had even struggled with substances I was told by a mentor that "no one is stronger than addiction." It has stuck with me over the years and through all the drugs. People don't become addicted as the result of a weakness but instead due to the nature of human biology and the way drugs act on the body.

Somethings can be considered risk factors. Pre-existing conditions like depression or anxiety could definitely increase the potential risk that a person may develop a drug problem. Environment and many other things could play a role as well, but there isn't a human on this planet who can take something like benzos or opioids every day without developing dependence over time. It may take some longer than others and there is a spectrum when it comes to substance use disorders.

Go easy on yourself. You've got enough on your plate to deal with already, no reason to douse the flames with self-loathing. The fact that you are here asking these questions this early on says something about you. It shows that you know this is serious. It doesn't remove the risks associated, but you have already began the process of recovery.

I would highly suggest reaching out to a SUD counselor or 12 step meetings. Addiction is a disease and there is quite a bit of information out there about our struggle. Learning the relapse warning signs has really helped me maintain my sobriety and minimize the relapse process.



You are not an addict, you have addiction.


You are not your problems.


Fight the disease not yourself and hold tightly on to hope.

 

[xan_master]

Thanks so much God bless. I'll hit up a NA meeting tomorrow I'm off work in the morning. I fucked up and at the first sign of a panic attack coming on I ate 2mg Clonazepam. Really wish my diclaz would come in already so I can start my taper. I have faith in myself I'll overcme this. I've withdrawn from heroin CT and got over it thanks to kratom. I can do this!!

 

[Tonberry King]

Admitting you have a problem is a great start. Whether you CT or Taper off is up to you as I'm confident both ways will be unpleasant and will come with risk and adverse effect of depriving the body from something it wants/needs. It is never easy but so very much worth it. You know what to do, Godspeed.

 

[Essentialle123]

I have been addicted to Alprazolam for years. Yesterday I decided to book myself into rehab. I will be going to clinic in a couple of hours. (It's 00:45) where I live. I wish i can get a couple of hours sleep. I feel irritated and bored.