Pisuanakin
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2016
- Messages
- 5
Hello,
I'm 22 years old and in one week it will be 3 months since I had a drug induced panic attack. Never had anxiety issues (only normal ones that were simply overcame on the spot, for example: when I was first singing in front of a big audience) or any depression. I've been a happy lad. The only drug I've done is some weed on and off for one year. I don't drink alcohol and I don't smoke cigarettes.
Trip reports:
It was my 4th time tripping on DMT (mimosa hostilis + syrian rue MAOi). First two times I had no visuals, only some really nice meditative state with a calming effect and some beautiful revelations. The third time, I had 3 phases. First one was of pure love, where I got all the answers I sought and felt that divine embrace. In the second phase, I felt how I returned to my body. That's when the purge started. It wasn't nice, I was scared shitless, the puking was horrible, I even wanted to call an ambulance at some point, but I was still aware it was only the drug effect and this shall pass (at that moment my arguments didn't really calm me down, they just kept me from doing anything stupid). I was having visuals and my sensory information was funky. I entered in loops where I would get myself out of bed to puke, decide that I should go back to sleep because this will be over when I wake up and then get up again thinking that I shouldn't lay in bed so I won't puke and suffocate, followed by trying to drink some gulps of water and then spilling the drink on the floor amazed by how it would look and how it felt while drinking. I felt like that trip could have lasted forever.
Anyway, I managed to chill myself out, so the clouds started to lift and I got that "It's finally over, I'm back, I'm alive" high. I felt reborn, I spent the next few hours thinking about the trip, bathing in the joyousness of life, grateful for the difficult experience. It gave me the knowledge (but not the wisdom apparently) that fear is only an illusion, and I felt amazing. It felt like the fears of everyday life are insignificant to the fear I felt in that part of the trip. I didn't feel traumatized by the trip when I thought about it, the opposite, it gave me joy and calmness. The only thing that seemed off was me getting a bit nervous, like I was surrounded by some negative energy when I was getting back to the room I tripped. I didn't really want to sleep there again (but to be honest, it was just a room in my apartment that I rarely slept into). The next day I woke up full of life and energy. It felt like that for the next weeks till I wanted to trip again.
The PANIC ATTACK:
I was setting up for the 4th trip. I meditated for several hours before trip and I felt amazing that day, I was at peace with everything and everyone. For the first time I didn't respect the MAOi diet and I ate some soybean smoked pork soup 4 hours before the trip. I took the MAOi at T: 0:00 and the mimosa extract at T: 0:15. By T: 0:25 I felt something was a bit weird (probably because of MAOi + tyramine interraction), it was something mild, but of course, I started to freak out.
Basicly, I freaked myself out, thinking I didn't respect the plant and the experience well enough to diet that day and that I was gonna get punished for that. When I felt that panic, I didn't want to trip with that mindset so I instantly forced myself to puke at T: 0:30. I really felt that If I would trip with this mindset, the trip will only have that bad part that I felt that 3rd time. So when the distorted thoughts of that difficult experience from 3rd trip came into my mind on an anxious mindset, I started to freak out even more that if I don't wanna feel that shit now, I'm perfectly fine where I am in my life. I didn't want to lose the beautiful life I have. I probably felt really lucky to "survive" that difficult part of the 3rd trip and my mind convinced me that I might not be so lucky if I would trip again.
Anyway, I didn't trip, but I spent the next 4 hours really panicked that I won't trip, so I kept myself occupied. I was talking to my brother, watching a movie, playing some computer games, drank lots of water and ate an orange. After 4 hours the panic was mostly over, I was even laughing with a friend on facebook on some jokes. Went to watch some HBO (The hobbit was on, and I love those) and after T: 5:00, I ate some chocolate, 2 slices of pizza (I was pretty hungry from all the vomiting, you know?) and went to sleep.
The next day I woke up like I had no soul. I couldn't feel anything and I was constantly afraid of something. Everything felt like a bad dream, and I was yawning every few seconds. I couldn't even cry.
Symptoms that I had the next day:
Anxiety, depression, DP / DR, blurry vision, Mild tinnitus, couldn't focus, my memory was terrible, I was shaking a bit, I felt like I was going to die soon, I was yawning constantly, random pains, everything I had to do felt incredibly hard. I was constantly tired, I was sleeping a lot without resting, waking up many times per night. Also it felt like I had no emotions. I was zoning out a lot. The following weeks, I was laughing only because I was supposed to laugh in certain conditions, didn't get any happiness from laughing or emotion. I couldn't meditate anymore, I couldn't relax anymore. I thought I fucked myself up forever. When I tried to smoke weed after a week, it made me really anxious (I never had any anxiety from weed) and it simply didn't feel the same. Smoked for a few nights in a row to get some relief (it was still something, even though it wasn't the same) to get myself started on the recovery.
My recovery so far:
I moved back in with my parents, I explained them what happened and they were really understanding. I quit weed (more than 2 months ago). I started to wake up and go to sleep at the same hour every day. I started to eat meals at the same hours every day. I started exercising 30 mins / day. I have been eating lots of vegetables, fruits, avoiding sugar, drinking 2-3L water / day. I have been doing sauna 5 times / week. I was spending my days playing ping-pong, computer games, watching comedies, talking with my family and friends, trying to be mindful being there mostly. It took me almost one month to feel real joy for the first time again.
After 2 months the vision was back to normal, the memory was back, the tinnitus was still there (although it's so weak that I only notice it when I try to or when I'm anxious). I am no longer tired for no reason all day, I can finally sleep better, fall alseep faster, no longer waking up in the middle of the night. The DP / DR (world feeling like a dream) and depression (emotionaly numb) only come when I get anxious (although they are NOTHING compared to how it was the first 5-6 weeks). In the last 3 weeks I had ~24 hours (combined, since it comes and goes) where I felt the anxiety was creeping up on me. I can feel joy again on a daily basis now, I can actually laugh myself to tears now off and forget this difficult experience ever happened. I can feel music again, I can feel movies again, I can enter meditative states again and get myself that nice positive juju. I can relax again. When anxiety comes (it's not even close to how bad it was the first weeks)
The awesome part is that the good periods are better and longer with each week passing and the bad ones get shorter and less intense. Keep in mind that even though I feel good 90% of the day, that 10%, even though it's way less tormenting than how it used to be, it's still anxiety and it still acts like something would put salt on an open wound. It's also annoying when it happens, because if you manage to feel awesome the whole day, that anxiety puts you back into that old mindset for a bit.
TL;DR:
I freaked myself out before a trip even started (after ingesting the stuff), spent the next hours panicked as fuck (scared to death), afraid to trip because I reminded myself of a difficult part of an old trip (that was amazing anyway, but my mind convinced me of a different perspective and I didn't want to experience that again with a shit mindset). The next day I woke up fucked up, now I'm still recovering, although i am WAY better.
Can you guys tell me how long it usually takes to fully recover? Any fellow explorers that went through this life experience? What tips can you give me?
Thank you a lot for spending your time reading this wall of text. I've tried to describe everything as summary as possible. Peace my friends!
I'm 22 years old and in one week it will be 3 months since I had a drug induced panic attack. Never had anxiety issues (only normal ones that were simply overcame on the spot, for example: when I was first singing in front of a big audience) or any depression. I've been a happy lad. The only drug I've done is some weed on and off for one year. I don't drink alcohol and I don't smoke cigarettes.
Trip reports:
It was my 4th time tripping on DMT (mimosa hostilis + syrian rue MAOi). First two times I had no visuals, only some really nice meditative state with a calming effect and some beautiful revelations. The third time, I had 3 phases. First one was of pure love, where I got all the answers I sought and felt that divine embrace. In the second phase, I felt how I returned to my body. That's when the purge started. It wasn't nice, I was scared shitless, the puking was horrible, I even wanted to call an ambulance at some point, but I was still aware it was only the drug effect and this shall pass (at that moment my arguments didn't really calm me down, they just kept me from doing anything stupid). I was having visuals and my sensory information was funky. I entered in loops where I would get myself out of bed to puke, decide that I should go back to sleep because this will be over when I wake up and then get up again thinking that I shouldn't lay in bed so I won't puke and suffocate, followed by trying to drink some gulps of water and then spilling the drink on the floor amazed by how it would look and how it felt while drinking. I felt like that trip could have lasted forever.
Anyway, I managed to chill myself out, so the clouds started to lift and I got that "It's finally over, I'm back, I'm alive" high. I felt reborn, I spent the next few hours thinking about the trip, bathing in the joyousness of life, grateful for the difficult experience. It gave me the knowledge (but not the wisdom apparently) that fear is only an illusion, and I felt amazing. It felt like the fears of everyday life are insignificant to the fear I felt in that part of the trip. I didn't feel traumatized by the trip when I thought about it, the opposite, it gave me joy and calmness. The only thing that seemed off was me getting a bit nervous, like I was surrounded by some negative energy when I was getting back to the room I tripped. I didn't really want to sleep there again (but to be honest, it was just a room in my apartment that I rarely slept into). The next day I woke up full of life and energy. It felt like that for the next weeks till I wanted to trip again.
The PANIC ATTACK:
I was setting up for the 4th trip. I meditated for several hours before trip and I felt amazing that day, I was at peace with everything and everyone. For the first time I didn't respect the MAOi diet and I ate some soybean smoked pork soup 4 hours before the trip. I took the MAOi at T: 0:00 and the mimosa extract at T: 0:15. By T: 0:25 I felt something was a bit weird (probably because of MAOi + tyramine interraction), it was something mild, but of course, I started to freak out.
Basicly, I freaked myself out, thinking I didn't respect the plant and the experience well enough to diet that day and that I was gonna get punished for that. When I felt that panic, I didn't want to trip with that mindset so I instantly forced myself to puke at T: 0:30. I really felt that If I would trip with this mindset, the trip will only have that bad part that I felt that 3rd time. So when the distorted thoughts of that difficult experience from 3rd trip came into my mind on an anxious mindset, I started to freak out even more that if I don't wanna feel that shit now, I'm perfectly fine where I am in my life. I didn't want to lose the beautiful life I have. I probably felt really lucky to "survive" that difficult part of the 3rd trip and my mind convinced me that I might not be so lucky if I would trip again.
Anyway, I didn't trip, but I spent the next 4 hours really panicked that I won't trip, so I kept myself occupied. I was talking to my brother, watching a movie, playing some computer games, drank lots of water and ate an orange. After 4 hours the panic was mostly over, I was even laughing with a friend on facebook on some jokes. Went to watch some HBO (The hobbit was on, and I love those) and after T: 5:00, I ate some chocolate, 2 slices of pizza (I was pretty hungry from all the vomiting, you know?) and went to sleep.
The next day I woke up like I had no soul. I couldn't feel anything and I was constantly afraid of something. Everything felt like a bad dream, and I was yawning every few seconds. I couldn't even cry.
Symptoms that I had the next day:
Anxiety, depression, DP / DR, blurry vision, Mild tinnitus, couldn't focus, my memory was terrible, I was shaking a bit, I felt like I was going to die soon, I was yawning constantly, random pains, everything I had to do felt incredibly hard. I was constantly tired, I was sleeping a lot without resting, waking up many times per night. Also it felt like I had no emotions. I was zoning out a lot. The following weeks, I was laughing only because I was supposed to laugh in certain conditions, didn't get any happiness from laughing or emotion. I couldn't meditate anymore, I couldn't relax anymore. I thought I fucked myself up forever. When I tried to smoke weed after a week, it made me really anxious (I never had any anxiety from weed) and it simply didn't feel the same. Smoked for a few nights in a row to get some relief (it was still something, even though it wasn't the same) to get myself started on the recovery.
My recovery so far:
I moved back in with my parents, I explained them what happened and they were really understanding. I quit weed (more than 2 months ago). I started to wake up and go to sleep at the same hour every day. I started to eat meals at the same hours every day. I started exercising 30 mins / day. I have been eating lots of vegetables, fruits, avoiding sugar, drinking 2-3L water / day. I have been doing sauna 5 times / week. I was spending my days playing ping-pong, computer games, watching comedies, talking with my family and friends, trying to be mindful being there mostly. It took me almost one month to feel real joy for the first time again.
After 2 months the vision was back to normal, the memory was back, the tinnitus was still there (although it's so weak that I only notice it when I try to or when I'm anxious). I am no longer tired for no reason all day, I can finally sleep better, fall alseep faster, no longer waking up in the middle of the night. The DP / DR (world feeling like a dream) and depression (emotionaly numb) only come when I get anxious (although they are NOTHING compared to how it was the first 5-6 weeks). In the last 3 weeks I had ~24 hours (combined, since it comes and goes) where I felt the anxiety was creeping up on me. I can feel joy again on a daily basis now, I can actually laugh myself to tears now off and forget this difficult experience ever happened. I can feel music again, I can feel movies again, I can enter meditative states again and get myself that nice positive juju. I can relax again. When anxiety comes (it's not even close to how bad it was the first weeks)
The awesome part is that the good periods are better and longer with each week passing and the bad ones get shorter and less intense. Keep in mind that even though I feel good 90% of the day, that 10%, even though it's way less tormenting than how it used to be, it's still anxiety and it still acts like something would put salt on an open wound. It's also annoying when it happens, because if you manage to feel awesome the whole day, that anxiety puts you back into that old mindset for a bit.
TL;DR:
I freaked myself out before a trip even started (after ingesting the stuff), spent the next hours panicked as fuck (scared to death), afraid to trip because I reminded myself of a difficult part of an old trip (that was amazing anyway, but my mind convinced me of a different perspective and I didn't want to experience that again with a shit mindset). The next day I woke up fucked up, now I'm still recovering, although i am WAY better.
Can you guys tell me how long it usually takes to fully recover? Any fellow explorers that went through this life experience? What tips can you give me?
Thank you a lot for spending your time reading this wall of text. I've tried to describe everything as summary as possible. Peace my friends!
.