Bad bad bad...

[Trajal]

It sure how much sense this will make as I am still off my face and trying to just put forward a semblance of normality.

Had very bad news the other week about my condition and prognosis. Wish it was lifespan related but it isn't. So I'm expected to live a generally long time but in constant pain or something, excuse me? What?

So I went out and bought lots of strong alcohol, a smallish bag of H, some weed, some speed.

one of my medications is Nefopam which is also an opiate potentiator. I'm back doing IV Heroin now, not a good thing, not what I wanted to find myself doing. Potentiated Nefopam I'm getting about five times value really. It's strange. I know it's wrong, but I am still enjoying it. It's not a Need, it's just an experience I want again.

im desperate about what will happen to me. I've always been a big guy, can survive anywhere. Not now, not if I can't walk I can't. Fvck. Hurts a lot.

no idea I feel this is the right forum, I just wanted to vent. Someone get Jess to talk to me please, she seems one of the few with some similar experiences to me . Really so down at the moment,

 

[herbavore]

Hey Trajal, have you already detailed elsewhere what you are physically dealing with? Is it an injury or a disease? I'm sorry about the prognosis. I've been laid up for two months with a broken leg bone so I know how it feels to not be able to move on your own when you want to.

I don't blame you for reacting the way you did--( that's quite a list of substances)--but it can't help your situation in the long run. I know you know that already.

I can't offer much since I can't really tell from your post what you are dealing with but at least let me offer my sympathy for what you are going through.

P.S. You can private message, Jess.

 

[Trajal]

Yeah, I was more just wanting an open conversation I think. So, yeah using Heroin again. Hmm.

i never got fully addicted to heroin, I don't think I am now. It's a physical dependency I guess.

And thank you for your kind words and obvious concern. It's a condition. When I was a lot younger I spent much of my time jumping out of perfectly serviceable helicopters. I was terribly active and spent 80-90% of my time deployed whilst I was in the Royal Marines Commando. It has now bitten me on the arse in the form of acute arthritis throughout much of the lower part of my body and the entirety of the left side of my body.

im struggling to come to terms with the fact that I can no longer walk unaided. I have always been very active, fit, love cycling, love surfing, etc. So this is a new absolute bodycheck on me. Going to have another hit now. I know I shouldn't be doing any of this really but it's all I have lefta and it let's me forget myself for ten hours or so.

 

[Trajal]

God, what have I done.

ive had emails, some kinda wierd. Some normal. I'm still well gone. Sweating all over.

realised that one of my tablets is a potentiator for opioids. Too late tho. Won't kil me, but hospitals use 10mg of it to triple effect of morphine.

i take 270mg a day and I just had a hit of h. Like, five hours ago.r fuck. It won't kill me but I'm going to wish it would in a few hours. Fuck. This is actually really not good.

it would be easy to freak out, it I, editing and writing means I can convey my emotions and deploy them in a different manner. I'm ignoring the sweat. I hate that when I'm high it seems like sweat has this sweet and delicious sm lol and taste to it but when I'm clean it has a vinegar smell.

Had to close the the door on the dog. He is only a puppy and only allowed so much exercise, I did more than that earlier. Also, I fear him picking up or licking something he really shouldn't. But he is my only responsibility.

 

[Xorkoth]

Hey man, I'm so sorry to hear about your prognosis, that's awful. But are drugs really all you have left? Do you have loved ones? Do you have a passion that doesn't involve being active? Life is only over when you die, or when you give up on it. You can reinvent yourself. Stephen Hawking lived with ALS, completely paralyzed and unable to speak or even breathe on his own, for a long time and was reported a really happy guy because he was doing what he loves despite his illness. Besides that, is there nothing you can do to improve your situation? Some forms of arthritis can be improved with medications. Diet can be another way of improving your situation, perhaps. I have psoriasis pretty bad and it was starting to become psoriatic arthritis, my wrists and shoulders were hurting to the point that it was getting hard to play music which is my passion. I was devastated, but I went to the doctor and she told me that for some people, cutting out gluten and dairy, which cause inflammation, can help. So I did, and after a couple of months the joint pain is gone and my psoriasis is all clearing up too. Point being, there are things you can try. Don't give up on life! And you know this, but doing addictive drugs isn't going to help you at all. If you get addicted to H, you're still going to have the same problems, but you'll have an additional problem of an opiate addiction, and before long it's going to seem much worse for you.

It's pretty devastating to get a diagnosis like this... but try to find a goal and move towards it. Your life is not over, it's just changed. If you think positively and make goals, you can still live a fulfilled life.

 

[Trajal]

Hey folks, ok so.... lot has happened...Um, ok so I need up being sectioned again after personally assaulting an armed post at a local airbase. Not exactly delighted with that but there we go. Aaaanyway, because of things I can't go into, urgh god I hate this bit TBH.Ok, so whatever, I was placed under guard and moved to Basildon and Thurrock secure mental health facility in Essex. It's about 400 miles away from where I live, so that was fun. I objected to being under guard after the first couple of weeks, and was physically persuaded that it was for the best. Obviously it wasn't.I sort of went through that most recent bout of therapy thinking "you know what, you're so lucky my parents are alive becaus if they weren't you would -honestly- be so fvcking dead right now. I'd be feeding your fvcking children's testacles to you."Not in a great place then, still not now but I lied well enough to get out of it. Wish I knew anything other than violence. But I don't.

 

[Trajal]

Oh but hey, I've got some heroin and Nefopam and fuck it all.

 

[Trajal]

By the way, the whole thing about them being an armed and protected division? Lol. Ok, so it took one drunk and high ex marine officer about 50 seconds to neutralise your entire defensive system. Great fucking job, well worth tax payers money.