johnjohn123
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Sep 15, 2012
- Messages
- 7
On July 29th, 2012, I got really drunk at a party, then stupidly split .1 mdma powder (untested, could have been anything) with a friend, and capped the night off by smoking pot with same friend. I had previously used mdma 6 times or so, spaced out over a couple of months with little to no comedown effects. That night, right after smoking I remember feeling very emotionless and dull. I also remember being very put off by the smell of the weed which was a horrible "rotting fruit" sort of smell, which no one else seemed to notice. The next morning I felt ok, but while eating dinner that night, I had a horrible panic attack in which I was convinced I was dying of food poisoning. I was able to cool myself down in the bathroom and come back to my senses, but I felt very strange after this incident. The next morning I had a similar panic attack as soon as I recalled the one from the night before. Following the second panic attack, I began to experience a very strange sensation of what may be brain fog, only it was quite intense, almost making me feel cross-eyed. It was at this moment that I knew something was wrong. The fog lasted about an hour and eventually subsided, but I was left in a very worried state. For the next few days, I began scouring the internet trying to find out what was wrong with me. I read many of the stories here on Bluelight and purchased various supplements recommended by past sufferers such as 5-HTP and Omega-3. For about 4 days this intense fog would come and go, rendering me completely useless when it arrived. Then, on the 5th day, out of nowhere began the nightmare. I was watching TV and was instantly struck with some sort of adrenaline rush. All of a sudden I began to feel very depersonalized and the colors of the world around me started to change slightly, and I felt as if I was secretly dosed with LSD. This was the most scared I've ever been. The rush lasted for a few hours and I was finally able to fall asleep once it ended. The next morning I awoke to find my brain wrecked by whatever was happening. I was completely overcome by anxiety- my hands were shaking uncontrollably, I felt dizzy and completely spaced out, and I had this intense head pressure throughout my entire brain. I went straight to the doctor where I explained everything and given some tests, only to find I had low B complex and B12 (which I added to the regimen described above). I was prescribed xanax or klonopin (don't remember which) but didn't use on advice of other BLers. At this point I figured I was in for a couple months of hell.
And the next few months were indeed HELL. Fortunately I had a month off from school after the initial incident, which allowed me to relax at home during some of the symptoms, but that certainly wasn't enough. For about 9 months following my first panic attack (with symptoms very gradually and slowly decreasing over this time), I continued to suffer from the head pressure, other sporadic terrible headaches, the aforementioned brain fog popping up all the time, and a very strange fatigue (adrenal fatigue?) arising from mental stress when I concentrated for long periods on things like schoolwork, which also made me feel sort of a warm pressure behind my eyes? In addition I had one very strange moment when my vision got blurry and I was unable to understand what people around me were saying, which resulted in the worst headache I've ever had in my life (advil was ineffective against this headache). Furthermore, my brain just felt like it was sick, like physically sick, throughout this entire period. Sometimes I would feel sort of a hot, burning sensation in my brain. On one occasion I also had an MDMA flashback when I was trying to fall asleep. All of a sudden I started feeling like I was rolling which was very disconcerting and the next day I awoke with an awful headache which lasted for 3 days, and again advil did nothing. I saw a psychiatrist during these months who continually told me that these things sometimes happen and that I would be fine in no time, and I had an MRI which was negative. Except for the brain fog moments which decreased in frequency at a steady rate throughout this period, I experienced little loss of memory/concentration which was a blessing, as I needed to do well during my last year of school to enter grad school, where I am now.
At a certain point around 5 months, when the symptoms became perhaps slightly less severe, I realized that taking the vitamins actually made me feel worse so I quit taking them. To this day, eating foods high in vitamins such as cereal makes me extremely uncomfortable. I tried Aniracetam but that made me feel very anxious. I tried drinking alcohol a couple of times, but found that just one beer would give my head a weird numb sensation, and would often cause me to wake in middle the of the night in a sweat, and would increase the sick brain feeling I was experiencing for a few days/weeks afterward. I am still experiencing this problem. I can't eat sugar anymore, as I have severe reactive hypoglycemic reactions in which I become very spaced out and sometimes have nocturnal panic attacks. My feet also get cold and tingly after eating sugar. I could not exercise for the longest time, as it would make me feel spaced out and uncomfortable, and would increase my anxiety sometimes leading to nocturnal panic attacks (not fun at all). Eating big meals, or eating unhealthy meals, or snack foods like Chex Mix make me feel uncomfortable as well, and caffeine gives me horrible anxiety. I also sometimes get kinda weak and shaky when I haven't eaten in a while. I've seen two doctors and a nutritionist to try to solve these problems, but they were unable to help me. I had no prior mental or physical issues, other than the low vitamins caused most likely by alcohol use.
It is now just about 1 year and 5 months after my MDMA use, and I feel somewhat ok these days but certainly not fully recovered. My head still just doesn't feel right. I'm in grad school and doing fine academically, but I am still experiencing some problems. With the help of klonopin (.5mg a day taken for a month, weaned off with relative ease) I was finally able to get my vitamin levels back up to normal, but my diet problems have not improved. I have been tested for thyroid problems, diabetes, the works, but I'm completely healthy according to the doctors. I try to eat as pretty healthy which keeps my symptoms in check, but sometimes I make mistakes. Socially, my life has turned upside down. I spent my senior year of college sober. Fortunately, I have good friends that have supported me through this mess, but my life was sort of built around drinking and its really difficult to make new friends now and fit in socially when you're the sober guy, and you gotta make up some bullshit health excuse for why you can't drink. I can exercise some now, although I still get spaced out doing high intensity exercises. I sort of go from being depressed one week to being upbeat and optimistic the next, but the lows and high aren't nearly extreme enough to be a problem, and I get along fine without anyone really noticing my struggle. I've luckily avoided the sort of long term depersonalization and anhedonia experienced by some on BL, but my physical symptoms are pretty terrible in themselves. As you can imagine, I've had dozens of theories about what is wrong with PTSD at least one of the most likely culprits. Does anyone here have any advice for me?![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
And the next few months were indeed HELL. Fortunately I had a month off from school after the initial incident, which allowed me to relax at home during some of the symptoms, but that certainly wasn't enough. For about 9 months following my first panic attack (with symptoms very gradually and slowly decreasing over this time), I continued to suffer from the head pressure, other sporadic terrible headaches, the aforementioned brain fog popping up all the time, and a very strange fatigue (adrenal fatigue?) arising from mental stress when I concentrated for long periods on things like schoolwork, which also made me feel sort of a warm pressure behind my eyes? In addition I had one very strange moment when my vision got blurry and I was unable to understand what people around me were saying, which resulted in the worst headache I've ever had in my life (advil was ineffective against this headache). Furthermore, my brain just felt like it was sick, like physically sick, throughout this entire period. Sometimes I would feel sort of a hot, burning sensation in my brain. On one occasion I also had an MDMA flashback when I was trying to fall asleep. All of a sudden I started feeling like I was rolling which was very disconcerting and the next day I awoke with an awful headache which lasted for 3 days, and again advil did nothing. I saw a psychiatrist during these months who continually told me that these things sometimes happen and that I would be fine in no time, and I had an MRI which was negative. Except for the brain fog moments which decreased in frequency at a steady rate throughout this period, I experienced little loss of memory/concentration which was a blessing, as I needed to do well during my last year of school to enter grad school, where I am now.
At a certain point around 5 months, when the symptoms became perhaps slightly less severe, I realized that taking the vitamins actually made me feel worse so I quit taking them. To this day, eating foods high in vitamins such as cereal makes me extremely uncomfortable. I tried Aniracetam but that made me feel very anxious. I tried drinking alcohol a couple of times, but found that just one beer would give my head a weird numb sensation, and would often cause me to wake in middle the of the night in a sweat, and would increase the sick brain feeling I was experiencing for a few days/weeks afterward. I am still experiencing this problem. I can't eat sugar anymore, as I have severe reactive hypoglycemic reactions in which I become very spaced out and sometimes have nocturnal panic attacks. My feet also get cold and tingly after eating sugar. I could not exercise for the longest time, as it would make me feel spaced out and uncomfortable, and would increase my anxiety sometimes leading to nocturnal panic attacks (not fun at all). Eating big meals, or eating unhealthy meals, or snack foods like Chex Mix make me feel uncomfortable as well, and caffeine gives me horrible anxiety. I also sometimes get kinda weak and shaky when I haven't eaten in a while. I've seen two doctors and a nutritionist to try to solve these problems, but they were unable to help me. I had no prior mental or physical issues, other than the low vitamins caused most likely by alcohol use.
It is now just about 1 year and 5 months after my MDMA use, and I feel somewhat ok these days but certainly not fully recovered. My head still just doesn't feel right. I'm in grad school and doing fine academically, but I am still experiencing some problems. With the help of klonopin (.5mg a day taken for a month, weaned off with relative ease) I was finally able to get my vitamin levels back up to normal, but my diet problems have not improved. I have been tested for thyroid problems, diabetes, the works, but I'm completely healthy according to the doctors. I try to eat as pretty healthy which keeps my symptoms in check, but sometimes I make mistakes. Socially, my life has turned upside down. I spent my senior year of college sober. Fortunately, I have good friends that have supported me through this mess, but my life was sort of built around drinking and its really difficult to make new friends now and fit in socially when you're the sober guy, and you gotta make up some bullshit health excuse for why you can't drink. I can exercise some now, although I still get spaced out doing high intensity exercises. I sort of go from being depressed one week to being upbeat and optimistic the next, but the lows and high aren't nearly extreme enough to be a problem, and I get along fine without anyone really noticing my struggle. I've luckily avoided the sort of long term depersonalization and anhedonia experienced by some on BL, but my physical symptoms are pretty terrible in themselves. As you can imagine, I've had dozens of theories about what is wrong with PTSD at least one of the most likely culprits. Does anyone here have any advice for me?
