Another "I want to kill myself post" yet I really do

[RecoveringDude]

yet another one of those i want to kill myself posts. nearly three years of dxm abuse and $1000 on cough medicine have led me to the lowest low of my life, my girlfriend left me due to me abusing cough medicine 4 months ago, 4 months ago i took two bottles of cough syrup and 20 gelpcaps on top of 100mg of fluvox.

I can't kill myself just yet because I can't do that to my family and my ex-girlfriend who dealt with her friend dying in a car crash at the time of the breakup, but I see myself committing suicide in the next year. every otherday I deal with thoughts of wanting to kill myself and I expect posts of sympathy just saying "don't kill yourself you have so much to live for!" what the fuck do I have to live for? The only thing I have to live for is recovering, a hard process I don't see easy for the next year or so, even ontop of exercise and medicines which I have been working my ass off for. Every fucking day is grey or blue, with periods of fake happiness by people being nice to me and me being social because I think I'm accepted.

I'm the type of guy who looks cracked out due to anxiety. Every fucking day people in school people record me because I shake and say loud noises just to fuck with me so I shake and try to get a reaction out of me. I'm the type of person who knows I'm mentally ill and can recover but can never truly be as happy and naive as I once was. I want fucking help and friends who I can relate with, not weird outcasts but at this point that's all I feel like who will accept me and I know it.

I'm thinking about killing myself after my art show and giving my best friend a note saying I'm sorry.
Fun fact, suicide is much much higher among artists, writers and creative people.

What the fuck can I recover with, drugs? I hate living in a blur of drugs. What drugs can i even use at this point, supplements are just helping me get through each day.

 

[RecoveringDude]

Now I'm fucking happy since I had my ambien, phenibut, and kava. Life, right? Tomorrow i'll sink again

 

[Jackplays]

That really sucks. If you're that set on killing yourself, you might as well make a big change to take you off that track. If you can move, do it. If there's something you've always wanted to do (or somewhere you've wanted to visit), do it. If you have to die, oh well, but might as well try to have fun before you do, at least that's my 2 cents.

 

[d3athadone]

I mean sobriety is kinda boring but I don't want to kill myself. I see this a lot where people act like the reason they want to kill themselves is just poor circumstances or bad luck. Its not bro. You just fucking your life up and so u want it to end, but if you put that energy into making it beautiful, you would want it to never end.

 

[Asclepius]

Accept your vulnerability. There is no other choice and its what being strong is about. It's about these tests. It's dealing with yourself and that is the sum total of it - anyone elses opinion is irrelevant when you need to be strong - its about you and dealing with your own insecurities, it is that simple.

Not minimising how hard it is but the onus is on you to look after your good self. Fuck what everyone else thinks. It is the only way through my friend an you are capable of that despite your misgivings. Pushing through the bullshit of others judgement ( and you thinking of them thinking of you) is awful but it makes you strong. Concentrate on being selfish - its your life and fitting in doesnt extend to you extinguishing your life - if you think it does - then the issue you are dealing with is YOUR esteem and that is something under your control and nobody elses. Noone has power over that but yourself and your perspective.

I was suicidal, a few times in my teens and twenties and I remember how awful it was ( life is painful beyone imagining but there are flashes of beauty and you cultivate what you can and tell the rest to 'fuck off' ) but I know and knew in the back of my mind that life is short as hell. You have an impact. You have a UNIQUE impact and to not aknowledge that ( good, bad or indifferent) is well...its more that nothing. Life is full of nothing and you have a chance to impact that - however you choose and you DONT have to fit in and its GOOD that you dont - because!!! - that means that you are yourself and there are more people who feel alone that you WILL meet and who will love you because they feel the same as you.

To deny yourself the opportunity of that experience is a waste of your time. It makes no sense when you are here to meet them in the future - if you just hold on to perspective and prospective - your life is your life.

From one Artist to another.