drug-mosphere
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 8, 2021
- Messages
- 1
introduction: first off, hello fellow self proclaimed psychonauts, for you are the demographic that will find this best, or as I personally prefer, spiritual revolutionaries. This is more or less the story of my life, I will attempt to stay on the topic of psychedelics and the effects it has had on my life, but it has profoundly effected every aspect of my life as I know it. so its hard not to tell the whole story, because to me, my whole story could be compared to one long trip report, or one long Terma, comparably it has been one long esoteric teaching that for the most part I have kept hidden under safeguard. so please, take the time to have a look into the head trip that has been my existence. I will try to refrain from rambling too long about inconsequential matters and only speak on topics of notability, but bear with me.
biographical summary: I am a 20 year old man born out of turmoil, high expectations and lack of support. I was born and raised in a small logging town on the coast of Vancouver island British Columbia, with a history rich in mostly blood. overcome, like most geographical locations with the co-opted, distorted, and perverse ideals which then form the substratum of society i.e. the classist, sexist, racist agenda/narrative, which means I grew up around mostly closed minded people whos closest relation to spirituality is going to church. but nonetheless for as long as I can remember I was overcome with an existential dread consisting of, but not all, the meaning of life, what happens after death, is there something more important than the games that we play in life? which lead me to the feeling of alienation as I wondered, why is it that no one has the answers? am I insane? why is it that I seem to be the only one who cares about these questions?
this inquisitiveness lead me to all of you. around the age of 12 I started seeking truth, and the only means of answers I could find seemed to be found online. I became obsessed with studying religion, psychology, philosophy. and soon after (maybe around 13) I found the community of people that directly helped me form my own truth and ideologies, the psychedelic community. I found a new obsession, in drugs, specifically psychedelics of course. it started with endless research, research on the effects, research on how to make it, its historical usage and many many hours reading trip reports. and that is how my story started, but of course, it did not end there.
obsession, lead to consumption, consumption, lead to addiction, addiction, lead to rehabilitation.
I am now a student majoring in psychology, I have also been mentored by renowned teachers of eastern philosophy, yoga, and meditation. I have been taught in an academic manner how to teach spirituality to others. and now that I feel I have the necessary wisdom and experience, I am on the path of service.
first experience with psychedelics: after a vey long time doing extensive research I finally made the decision to experiment with my first psychedelic which happened to be mushrooms. It took a very long time to acquire mostly due to the fact I was only around 13, but eventually I found a viable source and eagerly started planning my first trip.
me and a friend of mine planned to share what must have been around 3 grams in his mothers basement, we were both very nervous but mostly excited. we waited for his parents to leave town and we split the bag in half and consumed.
we were playing video games and enjoying ourselves, I opened the drawer to the coffee table looking for something, when all of a sudden my buddy yelled at me not to touch his things, even though we basically were living together.
soon after he started complaining about being stuck in time, and soon after that he stood up and proclaimed that nothing was real. he told me he knew how to prove it. he then proceeded to pour water on his shag carpet and while looking me in the eye he began to take his clothes off. I quickly fled the scene, obviously confused I had to make a quick decision on what I was going to do, I got on my bike and rode to the nearest 7-11, while choosing a drink I started to notice things were moving. I quickly got out and put in some headphones and listened to an Allan watts talk that I had downloaded. I began to make my way down to the beach, when on my way I seen my friend walking down the street wearing nothing but shorts and socks. I asked him if he was okay and he told me that he was stuck in a time loop and that it felt like he had been tripping for eternity. I urged him to go home and he complied, asking only that I help him get there. we got to his place and he started to become enraged, warning me that I should stay away from him. so I left and went to the beach. on the ride there I was greeted by the complexity of the trees waving and shifting, geometric patterns seemingly greeting me to the world of psychedelics. I felt that I had found what I was looking for, something larger than me, something kept hidden from most. I spent the duration of my trip starring out at the ocean, amazed and bewildered at the beauty and quaintness of the waves, for the first time in a very long time, I finally felt at peace, those questions that seemed unanswerable finally felt answerable, I wanted to find "god" and I found him, not in the sky, not in a far off unattainable land, but right there in front of me..
the beginning of addiction: before my first experience with mushrooms I was always fearful of substances, but that ended when I found love and truth in drugs. immediately I became a fiend for anything I could get my hands on. mostly weed, mushrooms, dxm, diphenhydramine, alcohol.
during this period I recall sitting myself down and telling myself that I was becoming an addict, and realizing it was something that I had to seriously think about, I came to the conclusion that I needed to do extensive research on safety precautions, and basically just teach myself how to safely use.
during this time I also had a mushroom experience that to this day I still think was the happiest day of my life, it was the 2nd time I had done mushrooms, I took maybe 2 grams in my mothers basement and was overcome with overwhelming joy. I have never again experienced anything like it, the feeling of bliss washed over me, any attempt to focus on anything external was met with impossibility. simply I felt loved, I felt undying compassion given to me by the universe as a whole.
when I was 13 I also found the love of my life, me and her fell madly in love, and subsequently me and her rushed into adulthood together. we both found jobs in the next town over, dropped out of school and after only a couple months we were living together. first we lived with my grandparents and eventually we found a place to rent, she worked in house keeping and I worked a maintenance job during the day and washed dishes in a pub at night.
this is when I get my first taste of real money, and it lead me down a dark path.
the progression of my addiction: due to having no supervision and the means to acquire it, my consumption of alcohol and weed skyrocketed, after awhile I was drinking a fifth of hard liquor every night. eventually I got bored of it and began the pursuit of a source for something with a little more kick. one day my boss at the time asked me if I was interested in a couple tabs of LSD that he had been given, without hesitance I accepted. he even offered me the next day off so I could do it that night, which I did. eagerly I rushed home and notified my girlfriend and her brother who was with us that I had some acid, they were excited to try it so we cut one tab in half, they shared, and I had one full tab.
I became hyper focused on my surroundings, leading me to realize there were a few flies flying around the living room, I became disgusted of them and spent hours trying to kill them. I blame this distraction on this trip being rather uneventful, nonetheless I fell in love with LSD, I knew then that I would push the limits.
I was having no luck acquiring a source for drugs of interest, so, naturally, I thought to myself "how hard could it be to make these substances myself?" frantically I did extensive research on how and what I could produce myself, I first settled on growing mushrooms, though later I would find a passion for producing DMT, but that's a topic I will cover later.
soon I was growing mushrooms and I was good at it. It was a wonderful hobby, I loved everything about it. I had an endless supply of mushrooms now. so as such I went overboard, most notably during this time was the first trip I had on my own supply. It was just after my first harvest, I had about half a pound, majority of it was dried for future use, but I left about an ounce fresh, invited my GF and her brother to join me, and they did.
they each took no more than 3-4 grams, I unwittingly ate the rest. it quickly got intense, they were having a wonderful time laughing about nonsensical matters, but I on the other hand had took far too much and was not at all prepared, I sat there across from them, feeling like a deer in the headlights of aliens, paranoia overcame me, visuals took over my entire vision to the point that I could hardly see. I leaned back in my seat and knocked over a can of iced tea, for some reason this was enough to send me into panic, I frantically cleaned it up while apologizing, they kept telling me it was okay but my mind was going 1000 miles a minute, this was my first experience with 'sensory overload' I couldn't gather my thoughts, all I knew was I had done something terrible, the mess was cleaned up after a couple minutes, but I kept wiping a spill that no longer existed while apologizing over and over. I was freaking out and knew I had to do something, so I went to the bathroom and shoved my finger down my throat, I threw up and like a switch was flipped, I began laughing, I was back.
the start of inertia: inertia, when something gains velocity, the tendency is resistance of change. much like cognitive inertia, when a human forms an ideology, the tendency to resist change is just as strong.
relationship problems began for me early, they played a key role in my formation. young love for me was destructive, yet somehow, it was all I lived for. Ram Dass is noted as saying that unconditional love means you would need to love even though love kills you. and to many this sounds like a refutation of the existence to unconditional love, but to me I see it as a testament to just how stupid we are when afflicted with love.
I was at a point where I was just feeling done, so I decided I wanted to see my old bestfriend, it had been years since I seen him and so we made plans to rent a cabin and get as loaded as we could in the short timeframe we had.
I will keep this short as it is notable, but not crucial.
soon before this I finally found a source for LSD, so I bought some for me and my buddy, he had yet to try LSD so I was excited to introduce him, we arrived at the cabin and after setting things up we dropped one tab each. this trip went beautifully, the visuals were mind blowing but that was nothing compared to the happiness, I was just so happy to see him again, we spent hours talking about what we want to do with our lives, how much we missed, all we had been through. I still recall a lot of the topics we discussed in depth, such as, the fact that we have so much to do and offer and how at one point we thought we were destined to succumbing to life's cessation and nothing more, how we endure pain in strife and keep our heads up staying focused and determined, and overall the gratefulness of finding fulfillment. it was a celebration that I will never forget, I started feeling overwhelming joy while overcome with a feeling of accomplishment, and the most intense nostalgia. the feeling of "I made it".
but alas, it was time to go home and face my fate, after a couple weeks things back at home started to fall apart, my GF was distant and soon after I found out why, she was cheating on me, when I found out, this broke me and was the source of my inertia, I told her she had to leave and that was the last I seen her for 3 years.
inertia at play: I lost all ambition to be a decent member of society, I began producing on mass and selling on mass, I had a workshop that I started producing DMT in, after awhile I was the place to go to party, I made beer and wine and gave it away to people who came over, looking back it was all just a means of not being so alone, I found a distributor who bought shrooms and DMT off me in large quantity.
during this time I told my bestfriend to come out and live with me. so he did. it was the weirdest period of my life yet, looking back on it is like looking back on an alternate dimension. this is also the time period that the most impactful and transformative psychedelic experiences of my life took place, and I thank heartbreak for that, without heartbreak I don't think I would have broken through.
you see, love is a game for the ego, a dance, a battle consisting of a series of calculated compromises for common ground. heartbreak is really a part of your ego shattering, ego is responsible for providing you with identity, and also the very truths that you hold are all part of ego, so you believed x and y to be true, then suddenly, its not.. these beliefs that were once, to you, objective truth are no longer. for me, the ego was so shattered and broken that it lost its tightly wound grasp and 'I' finally was able to see ego for what it truly is. I attribute this to opening my eyes to the dharma.
rebirth: I will now to the best of my abilities describe the two most transformative moments of my life, and debatably the beginning of liberation from samsara (cyclic existence). one was reaching the plateau of psilocybin, and one of LSD.
#1 psilocybin:
this took place soon after my buddy came to live with me, we made plans to go camping on a beautiful island in the middle of the open ocean. we planned on taking a large dose of mushrooms, i believe we were planning on taking 10 grams each.
we arrived on the island filled with excitement and glee. it was surreal. we spent some time setting up camp and gathering firewood. we started a fire, ate a meal and by around 5 o'clock we were ready to take the mushrooms. I pulled them out of my bag and started weighing out capsuled mushrooms into two doses of 10 grams, but my buddy got hesitant and decided we wanted to take 5 grams, which I had no problem with.
were sitting around a fire and we swallowed back the capsules, again, me taking 10 grams, and him taking 5. all was well for the first hour or so, we sat back talking about philosophical topics such as death, society, the evilness of our common man. around this time I made the decision to re-dose, I grabbed the bottle of capsules and swallowed it back, I'm still not sure how much exactly it was but my best guess would be around one ounce total including the 10 grams I took prior. and after awhile I was no longer physically able to engage in conversation, and quite frankly, the things we were discussing started to scare me, I started pondering specifically the subject of death, for a moment I was scared, filled with anxiety thinking about what exactly happens after death, I put on some music that I had heard a million times before and began finding new meaning within the lyrics, I put a blanket over my head and dug myself into the sand as I felt my brain go into overdrive, I began thinking about the possibilities of what happens when you die and I'm still not sure how, but I realized that death is the biggest thing to happen, and the most important, death, is our birthright. it was like I was being told this. I was filled with pure bliss, and the feeling of godliness, I came to another realization that the cure for death, was the realization that the body dies, not anything that matters, not "you". I started asking myself "who am I" I'm not my body I thought, I'm not my ego, what am I? am I the observer? no, I couldn't be the observer, for everything is a manifestation of mind, and if what I'm seeing is a manifestation of mind, then there is no observer. I inherently, do not exist, I don't have free will.. I began to feel disturbed, then suddenly out of shock I flung myself up out of the blanket, and I was no longer being greeted by the waving geometry I was experiencing under the blanket, no.. I turned to my right and was met with rows of human figures that were seemingly made of light looking out towards the ocean, they were hunched over with their hands on their knees, I stood up and approached them, they all simultaneously turned in my direction. this is the point where exact details start to get a little foggy, but I will do my best. the figures turned to me as though they were just now realizing my presence, they walked towards me, and walked through me, I turned to look at them, now looking down the beach, and it was if these figures made of light turned into everyone that I've ever known, my family, my friends, people I went to school with, people I simply knew of, and people I've never met. there was rows and rows of different warriors all in groups, there was a group of soldiers in historically accurate red guard uniforms, a group of soldiers in green fatigues brandishing guns, some were covered in blood, some wore face paint etc. and then the largest group was a group of native Canadians wearing regalia , dressed in cedar and hide clothing. they all approached me as if we hadn't seen each other in a very long time, all were crying and thanking me as if I had accomplished something important, they overwhelmed me, offering gifts, trying to tell me things, but no matter how hard I tried to hear them I simply couldn't. then they all took a step back and separated as if to find a spot, then they started doing a set of movements and chanting around me, I remember standing, then suddenly I was on the ground, I recall looking over myself, like my consciousness was hovering, they were around me chanting and doing a set of motions, while they were doing this I was letting out a guttural chant while on the ground as if I were in childs pose praying. I seen a geometric shape like a complex hexagon made of all colors, it was surrounding me and had a single bead of light tracing over it, after awhile it started to speed up and suddenly, they were all gone. I felt like I was being pulled up away from my body, I watched my body become smaller and smaller and my consciousness blasted off into the sky, then the next thing I can remember was the vision of going back down into my body. I was back in my body, eyes closed, still chanting, and still watching this bead of light trace over a colorful hexagon just as I was before. then it was like in an instant I regained consciousness, I jolted awake, face down in the beach with a ski mask on, no shirt, and covered in sea water.
I stood up and was very confused, my memory was gone, it was like for a moment I forgot my entire life, it was as if I had just been born. I walked over to the fire and started thinking that I was going to die if I didn't get the now smoldering fire going again, I thought to myself that I needed to get food, or I was going to die, then I caught a glimpse of the cabin, I decided to go in, and suddenly all my memories started to flood back. I sat there confused and bewildered, my friend came back in and I asked him "what happened last night?" and he replied with "its still happening maan" which confused and scared me further. it took awhile but eventually I was no longer confused, but even to this day, I am still bewildered.
#2 LSD: This took place about a month after the previously covered experience. I was now more well versed in Buddhism and in general I was more spiritually developed. After awhile of taking LSD and wondering if I was missing something, or that there was more to it, I decided it was time to take a larger dose than I ever had before in my possession was a sheet of acid that I'm told was 200ug but really, who knows. I set up my room for the trip, mostly safety precautions like locking away anything sharp. but I also lit some incense, put up prayer flags and set-up a music playlist and also an audiobook of the psychedelic experience by Timothy Leary as a form of guide. I planned to watch 2001 space odyssey followed by enter the void, which if you haven't watched, do it.
The plan was as followed. Take 11 tabs of LSD and take 60 milligrams ketamine at the peak, try to watch the two movies, as a fallback if things got intense, choose between music or the audiobook.
I took the tabs of LSD and started watching 2001 space odyssey, at first I was disappointed, it felt like all the other LSD experiences I had prior only more visuals and much more stimulation, my expectations were fairly high given my experience on high doses of psilocybin. I started to peak near the end of 2001 space odyssey which at this point I was blown away by the movie and how poetically it aims to explain assimilation, as mental confusion was reaching an all time high I turned on enter the void and I ingested 60 milligrams of ketamine, this is where things took a sharp turn. for those of you who have never seen it, enter the void is a movie mostly in first-person about a kid who moved to japan, sold psychedelics, and subsequently dies while tripping on LSD. and eerily it sort of depicts what I think happens when you die and more or less depicts what Buddhism teaches. I was only able to watch so much because it started to terrify me, I turned it off, sat in the dark and played some Mozart. very quickly it started to feel as if I had just smoked a ridiculous amount of DMT, my room filled with visions of entities, and psychedelic kingdoms before my eyes, the ketamine hitting me like a sledgehammer but me into a form of trance making it easier to meditate and not freak out, the next thing I remember was hard to explain but ill try, imagine everything that exists, all physical objects, all people, all memory, all experiences, everything. right before my eyes, I was no longer me, I was you, and me, and them. one connected consciousness, right before my eyes. for a moment 'I' was gone. I was now all. I believe I also experienced my undivided self at some point, but lineage is near impossible to determine, continuity became fluid, what happened then and now was one. I recall looking inwards at myself and seeing ultimate potential, an auspicious conjunction held back by ego, a being existing in pure bliss for it does not need to look to external stimuli for anything, it has all the love, and happiness within it, at its disposal. it didn't take long for my ego to take hold again, I could feel my ego come back into control, It started observing what was happening, and subsequently panic took place, I then realized the visions I was having were not all good, it was all. so as much as a lot of it was good, there was also wars, assault, abuse etc.
what happens next I view as a test, and I believe I failed this test. in the Tibetan book of the dead, it is said that when one dies he will look down at his body in his home, he will think about his loved ones, his responsibilities and all that he attaches himself too. and he will think "oh what I wouldn't do to be in a body". such thoughts lead to re-entry into the cyclic existence (samsara). but I digress.
next I began to think that I had died, I thought that I would now exist within these visions I was having. the room filled with entities all coercing me to stay, all excited and happy to see me. this strange thing started to happen where if I didn't have proof of things they started to not exist, so I started losing evidence that I exist and could feel my consciousness leaving me, being sucked into this other world. I tried to just wait it out, maybe I was still just high? not dead. but when I closed my eyes it was as if I could feel myself dying and being brought into the world that the entities were residing in. I panicked and stood up, I looked down and seen my body, if I stopped moving I thought I was going to die I figured that maybe I overdosed. My last resort was to find tangible evidence that I in fact do exist. I called my girlfriend at the time who I told I was going to trip and who was okay with it and very understanding, she picked up immediately and while starring at the abyss of entities I asked her bluntly "do I exist! please, please tell me that I exist". and in a very sweet voice she laughed and said "of course you exist honey, you're talking to me, so you exist!" that was just the evidence I needed to know that I exist it was almost as if she knew what was happening, what she said was almost too perfect... makes me wonder sometimes. but again, I digress. as soon as she told me this, the entities let out a sigh, like I disappointed them or failed. it was almost like an orchestrated test to see if I was ready for when I do die, and I wasn't. the entities shut the door on me and almost instantly, I was pretty much sober again. but that wasn't the end of that trip, that trip has yet to end. I gave myself hppd along with psychosis, the psychosis only lasted a few months but I have been hallucinating for about 2 years now, at a point it was a living hell, but I have made peace with it, and now its like a close friend of mine.
closing statements: after all of this took place, about a week later I moved a town over leaving everything behind to move in with my girlfriend at the time, but my inertia persisted, so I moved again, and again, and again. each time running further away. but no matter how far I travelled, I always found myself. my time had come to go home, I was alone an ocean away from family or anyone I knew, I was exhausted from running, so for the first time in a long time I did something I hadn't considered, I called my family, crying and asked for help. without hesitation they helped me get back home to that quaint riverside village that I missed so much. soon after coming home, my ex from when I was younger got in contact with me for the first time in years and we reconnected so I decided I needed to get better, at the time I was helplessly addicted to escaping. so I went to rehab for 42 days, got clean, and figured out what I want to do with my life. I realized I want to be on the path of selfless service, so I'm working on my education in hopes that I can contribute in a meaningful way to my community, a community still in shambles from the aftermath of residential school. im now focusing on school, with the love of my life again, and life is just.. amazing.
please, take my story as a living testament to both the upsides and the turmoil that psychedelics can bring. be careful in your travels.
thanks to all that got this far, I love you all.
kindest regards, drug-mosphere.
SAMAYA! rgya rgya rgya
biographical summary: I am a 20 year old man born out of turmoil, high expectations and lack of support. I was born and raised in a small logging town on the coast of Vancouver island British Columbia, with a history rich in mostly blood. overcome, like most geographical locations with the co-opted, distorted, and perverse ideals which then form the substratum of society i.e. the classist, sexist, racist agenda/narrative, which means I grew up around mostly closed minded people whos closest relation to spirituality is going to church. but nonetheless for as long as I can remember I was overcome with an existential dread consisting of, but not all, the meaning of life, what happens after death, is there something more important than the games that we play in life? which lead me to the feeling of alienation as I wondered, why is it that no one has the answers? am I insane? why is it that I seem to be the only one who cares about these questions?
this inquisitiveness lead me to all of you. around the age of 12 I started seeking truth, and the only means of answers I could find seemed to be found online. I became obsessed with studying religion, psychology, philosophy. and soon after (maybe around 13) I found the community of people that directly helped me form my own truth and ideologies, the psychedelic community. I found a new obsession, in drugs, specifically psychedelics of course. it started with endless research, research on the effects, research on how to make it, its historical usage and many many hours reading trip reports. and that is how my story started, but of course, it did not end there.
obsession, lead to consumption, consumption, lead to addiction, addiction, lead to rehabilitation.
I am now a student majoring in psychology, I have also been mentored by renowned teachers of eastern philosophy, yoga, and meditation. I have been taught in an academic manner how to teach spirituality to others. and now that I feel I have the necessary wisdom and experience, I am on the path of service.
first experience with psychedelics: after a vey long time doing extensive research I finally made the decision to experiment with my first psychedelic which happened to be mushrooms. It took a very long time to acquire mostly due to the fact I was only around 13, but eventually I found a viable source and eagerly started planning my first trip.
me and a friend of mine planned to share what must have been around 3 grams in his mothers basement, we were both very nervous but mostly excited. we waited for his parents to leave town and we split the bag in half and consumed.
we were playing video games and enjoying ourselves, I opened the drawer to the coffee table looking for something, when all of a sudden my buddy yelled at me not to touch his things, even though we basically were living together.
soon after he started complaining about being stuck in time, and soon after that he stood up and proclaimed that nothing was real. he told me he knew how to prove it. he then proceeded to pour water on his shag carpet and while looking me in the eye he began to take his clothes off. I quickly fled the scene, obviously confused I had to make a quick decision on what I was going to do, I got on my bike and rode to the nearest 7-11, while choosing a drink I started to notice things were moving. I quickly got out and put in some headphones and listened to an Allan watts talk that I had downloaded. I began to make my way down to the beach, when on my way I seen my friend walking down the street wearing nothing but shorts and socks. I asked him if he was okay and he told me that he was stuck in a time loop and that it felt like he had been tripping for eternity. I urged him to go home and he complied, asking only that I help him get there. we got to his place and he started to become enraged, warning me that I should stay away from him. so I left and went to the beach. on the ride there I was greeted by the complexity of the trees waving and shifting, geometric patterns seemingly greeting me to the world of psychedelics. I felt that I had found what I was looking for, something larger than me, something kept hidden from most. I spent the duration of my trip starring out at the ocean, amazed and bewildered at the beauty and quaintness of the waves, for the first time in a very long time, I finally felt at peace, those questions that seemed unanswerable finally felt answerable, I wanted to find "god" and I found him, not in the sky, not in a far off unattainable land, but right there in front of me..
the beginning of addiction: before my first experience with mushrooms I was always fearful of substances, but that ended when I found love and truth in drugs. immediately I became a fiend for anything I could get my hands on. mostly weed, mushrooms, dxm, diphenhydramine, alcohol.
during this period I recall sitting myself down and telling myself that I was becoming an addict, and realizing it was something that I had to seriously think about, I came to the conclusion that I needed to do extensive research on safety precautions, and basically just teach myself how to safely use.
during this time I also had a mushroom experience that to this day I still think was the happiest day of my life, it was the 2nd time I had done mushrooms, I took maybe 2 grams in my mothers basement and was overcome with overwhelming joy. I have never again experienced anything like it, the feeling of bliss washed over me, any attempt to focus on anything external was met with impossibility. simply I felt loved, I felt undying compassion given to me by the universe as a whole.
when I was 13 I also found the love of my life, me and her fell madly in love, and subsequently me and her rushed into adulthood together. we both found jobs in the next town over, dropped out of school and after only a couple months we were living together. first we lived with my grandparents and eventually we found a place to rent, she worked in house keeping and I worked a maintenance job during the day and washed dishes in a pub at night.
this is when I get my first taste of real money, and it lead me down a dark path.
the progression of my addiction: due to having no supervision and the means to acquire it, my consumption of alcohol and weed skyrocketed, after awhile I was drinking a fifth of hard liquor every night. eventually I got bored of it and began the pursuit of a source for something with a little more kick. one day my boss at the time asked me if I was interested in a couple tabs of LSD that he had been given, without hesitance I accepted. he even offered me the next day off so I could do it that night, which I did. eagerly I rushed home and notified my girlfriend and her brother who was with us that I had some acid, they were excited to try it so we cut one tab in half, they shared, and I had one full tab.
I became hyper focused on my surroundings, leading me to realize there were a few flies flying around the living room, I became disgusted of them and spent hours trying to kill them. I blame this distraction on this trip being rather uneventful, nonetheless I fell in love with LSD, I knew then that I would push the limits.
I was having no luck acquiring a source for drugs of interest, so, naturally, I thought to myself "how hard could it be to make these substances myself?" frantically I did extensive research on how and what I could produce myself, I first settled on growing mushrooms, though later I would find a passion for producing DMT, but that's a topic I will cover later.
soon I was growing mushrooms and I was good at it. It was a wonderful hobby, I loved everything about it. I had an endless supply of mushrooms now. so as such I went overboard, most notably during this time was the first trip I had on my own supply. It was just after my first harvest, I had about half a pound, majority of it was dried for future use, but I left about an ounce fresh, invited my GF and her brother to join me, and they did.
they each took no more than 3-4 grams, I unwittingly ate the rest. it quickly got intense, they were having a wonderful time laughing about nonsensical matters, but I on the other hand had took far too much and was not at all prepared, I sat there across from them, feeling like a deer in the headlights of aliens, paranoia overcame me, visuals took over my entire vision to the point that I could hardly see. I leaned back in my seat and knocked over a can of iced tea, for some reason this was enough to send me into panic, I frantically cleaned it up while apologizing, they kept telling me it was okay but my mind was going 1000 miles a minute, this was my first experience with 'sensory overload' I couldn't gather my thoughts, all I knew was I had done something terrible, the mess was cleaned up after a couple minutes, but I kept wiping a spill that no longer existed while apologizing over and over. I was freaking out and knew I had to do something, so I went to the bathroom and shoved my finger down my throat, I threw up and like a switch was flipped, I began laughing, I was back.
the start of inertia: inertia, when something gains velocity, the tendency is resistance of change. much like cognitive inertia, when a human forms an ideology, the tendency to resist change is just as strong.
relationship problems began for me early, they played a key role in my formation. young love for me was destructive, yet somehow, it was all I lived for. Ram Dass is noted as saying that unconditional love means you would need to love even though love kills you. and to many this sounds like a refutation of the existence to unconditional love, but to me I see it as a testament to just how stupid we are when afflicted with love.
I was at a point where I was just feeling done, so I decided I wanted to see my old bestfriend, it had been years since I seen him and so we made plans to rent a cabin and get as loaded as we could in the short timeframe we had.
I will keep this short as it is notable, but not crucial.
soon before this I finally found a source for LSD, so I bought some for me and my buddy, he had yet to try LSD so I was excited to introduce him, we arrived at the cabin and after setting things up we dropped one tab each. this trip went beautifully, the visuals were mind blowing but that was nothing compared to the happiness, I was just so happy to see him again, we spent hours talking about what we want to do with our lives, how much we missed, all we had been through. I still recall a lot of the topics we discussed in depth, such as, the fact that we have so much to do and offer and how at one point we thought we were destined to succumbing to life's cessation and nothing more, how we endure pain in strife and keep our heads up staying focused and determined, and overall the gratefulness of finding fulfillment. it was a celebration that I will never forget, I started feeling overwhelming joy while overcome with a feeling of accomplishment, and the most intense nostalgia. the feeling of "I made it".
but alas, it was time to go home and face my fate, after a couple weeks things back at home started to fall apart, my GF was distant and soon after I found out why, she was cheating on me, when I found out, this broke me and was the source of my inertia, I told her she had to leave and that was the last I seen her for 3 years.
inertia at play: I lost all ambition to be a decent member of society, I began producing on mass and selling on mass, I had a workshop that I started producing DMT in, after awhile I was the place to go to party, I made beer and wine and gave it away to people who came over, looking back it was all just a means of not being so alone, I found a distributor who bought shrooms and DMT off me in large quantity.
during this time I told my bestfriend to come out and live with me. so he did. it was the weirdest period of my life yet, looking back on it is like looking back on an alternate dimension. this is also the time period that the most impactful and transformative psychedelic experiences of my life took place, and I thank heartbreak for that, without heartbreak I don't think I would have broken through.
you see, love is a game for the ego, a dance, a battle consisting of a series of calculated compromises for common ground. heartbreak is really a part of your ego shattering, ego is responsible for providing you with identity, and also the very truths that you hold are all part of ego, so you believed x and y to be true, then suddenly, its not.. these beliefs that were once, to you, objective truth are no longer. for me, the ego was so shattered and broken that it lost its tightly wound grasp and 'I' finally was able to see ego for what it truly is. I attribute this to opening my eyes to the dharma.
rebirth: I will now to the best of my abilities describe the two most transformative moments of my life, and debatably the beginning of liberation from samsara (cyclic existence). one was reaching the plateau of psilocybin, and one of LSD.
#1 psilocybin:
this took place soon after my buddy came to live with me, we made plans to go camping on a beautiful island in the middle of the open ocean. we planned on taking a large dose of mushrooms, i believe we were planning on taking 10 grams each.
we arrived on the island filled with excitement and glee. it was surreal. we spent some time setting up camp and gathering firewood. we started a fire, ate a meal and by around 5 o'clock we were ready to take the mushrooms. I pulled them out of my bag and started weighing out capsuled mushrooms into two doses of 10 grams, but my buddy got hesitant and decided we wanted to take 5 grams, which I had no problem with.
were sitting around a fire and we swallowed back the capsules, again, me taking 10 grams, and him taking 5. all was well for the first hour or so, we sat back talking about philosophical topics such as death, society, the evilness of our common man. around this time I made the decision to re-dose, I grabbed the bottle of capsules and swallowed it back, I'm still not sure how much exactly it was but my best guess would be around one ounce total including the 10 grams I took prior. and after awhile I was no longer physically able to engage in conversation, and quite frankly, the things we were discussing started to scare me, I started pondering specifically the subject of death, for a moment I was scared, filled with anxiety thinking about what exactly happens after death, I put on some music that I had heard a million times before and began finding new meaning within the lyrics, I put a blanket over my head and dug myself into the sand as I felt my brain go into overdrive, I began thinking about the possibilities of what happens when you die and I'm still not sure how, but I realized that death is the biggest thing to happen, and the most important, death, is our birthright. it was like I was being told this. I was filled with pure bliss, and the feeling of godliness, I came to another realization that the cure for death, was the realization that the body dies, not anything that matters, not "you". I started asking myself "who am I" I'm not my body I thought, I'm not my ego, what am I? am I the observer? no, I couldn't be the observer, for everything is a manifestation of mind, and if what I'm seeing is a manifestation of mind, then there is no observer. I inherently, do not exist, I don't have free will.. I began to feel disturbed, then suddenly out of shock I flung myself up out of the blanket, and I was no longer being greeted by the waving geometry I was experiencing under the blanket, no.. I turned to my right and was met with rows of human figures that were seemingly made of light looking out towards the ocean, they were hunched over with their hands on their knees, I stood up and approached them, they all simultaneously turned in my direction. this is the point where exact details start to get a little foggy, but I will do my best. the figures turned to me as though they were just now realizing my presence, they walked towards me, and walked through me, I turned to look at them, now looking down the beach, and it was if these figures made of light turned into everyone that I've ever known, my family, my friends, people I went to school with, people I simply knew of, and people I've never met. there was rows and rows of different warriors all in groups, there was a group of soldiers in historically accurate red guard uniforms, a group of soldiers in green fatigues brandishing guns, some were covered in blood, some wore face paint etc. and then the largest group was a group of native Canadians wearing regalia , dressed in cedar and hide clothing. they all approached me as if we hadn't seen each other in a very long time, all were crying and thanking me as if I had accomplished something important, they overwhelmed me, offering gifts, trying to tell me things, but no matter how hard I tried to hear them I simply couldn't. then they all took a step back and separated as if to find a spot, then they started doing a set of movements and chanting around me, I remember standing, then suddenly I was on the ground, I recall looking over myself, like my consciousness was hovering, they were around me chanting and doing a set of motions, while they were doing this I was letting out a guttural chant while on the ground as if I were in childs pose praying. I seen a geometric shape like a complex hexagon made of all colors, it was surrounding me and had a single bead of light tracing over it, after awhile it started to speed up and suddenly, they were all gone. I felt like I was being pulled up away from my body, I watched my body become smaller and smaller and my consciousness blasted off into the sky, then the next thing I can remember was the vision of going back down into my body. I was back in my body, eyes closed, still chanting, and still watching this bead of light trace over a colorful hexagon just as I was before. then it was like in an instant I regained consciousness, I jolted awake, face down in the beach with a ski mask on, no shirt, and covered in sea water.
I stood up and was very confused, my memory was gone, it was like for a moment I forgot my entire life, it was as if I had just been born. I walked over to the fire and started thinking that I was going to die if I didn't get the now smoldering fire going again, I thought to myself that I needed to get food, or I was going to die, then I caught a glimpse of the cabin, I decided to go in, and suddenly all my memories started to flood back. I sat there confused and bewildered, my friend came back in and I asked him "what happened last night?" and he replied with "its still happening maan" which confused and scared me further. it took awhile but eventually I was no longer confused, but even to this day, I am still bewildered.
#2 LSD: This took place about a month after the previously covered experience. I was now more well versed in Buddhism and in general I was more spiritually developed. After awhile of taking LSD and wondering if I was missing something, or that there was more to it, I decided it was time to take a larger dose than I ever had before in my possession was a sheet of acid that I'm told was 200ug but really, who knows. I set up my room for the trip, mostly safety precautions like locking away anything sharp. but I also lit some incense, put up prayer flags and set-up a music playlist and also an audiobook of the psychedelic experience by Timothy Leary as a form of guide. I planned to watch 2001 space odyssey followed by enter the void, which if you haven't watched, do it.
The plan was as followed. Take 11 tabs of LSD and take 60 milligrams ketamine at the peak, try to watch the two movies, as a fallback if things got intense, choose between music or the audiobook.
I took the tabs of LSD and started watching 2001 space odyssey, at first I was disappointed, it felt like all the other LSD experiences I had prior only more visuals and much more stimulation, my expectations were fairly high given my experience on high doses of psilocybin. I started to peak near the end of 2001 space odyssey which at this point I was blown away by the movie and how poetically it aims to explain assimilation, as mental confusion was reaching an all time high I turned on enter the void and I ingested 60 milligrams of ketamine, this is where things took a sharp turn. for those of you who have never seen it, enter the void is a movie mostly in first-person about a kid who moved to japan, sold psychedelics, and subsequently dies while tripping on LSD. and eerily it sort of depicts what I think happens when you die and more or less depicts what Buddhism teaches. I was only able to watch so much because it started to terrify me, I turned it off, sat in the dark and played some Mozart. very quickly it started to feel as if I had just smoked a ridiculous amount of DMT, my room filled with visions of entities, and psychedelic kingdoms before my eyes, the ketamine hitting me like a sledgehammer but me into a form of trance making it easier to meditate and not freak out, the next thing I remember was hard to explain but ill try, imagine everything that exists, all physical objects, all people, all memory, all experiences, everything. right before my eyes, I was no longer me, I was you, and me, and them. one connected consciousness, right before my eyes. for a moment 'I' was gone. I was now all. I believe I also experienced my undivided self at some point, but lineage is near impossible to determine, continuity became fluid, what happened then and now was one. I recall looking inwards at myself and seeing ultimate potential, an auspicious conjunction held back by ego, a being existing in pure bliss for it does not need to look to external stimuli for anything, it has all the love, and happiness within it, at its disposal. it didn't take long for my ego to take hold again, I could feel my ego come back into control, It started observing what was happening, and subsequently panic took place, I then realized the visions I was having were not all good, it was all. so as much as a lot of it was good, there was also wars, assault, abuse etc.
what happens next I view as a test, and I believe I failed this test. in the Tibetan book of the dead, it is said that when one dies he will look down at his body in his home, he will think about his loved ones, his responsibilities and all that he attaches himself too. and he will think "oh what I wouldn't do to be in a body". such thoughts lead to re-entry into the cyclic existence (samsara). but I digress.
next I began to think that I had died, I thought that I would now exist within these visions I was having. the room filled with entities all coercing me to stay, all excited and happy to see me. this strange thing started to happen where if I didn't have proof of things they started to not exist, so I started losing evidence that I exist and could feel my consciousness leaving me, being sucked into this other world. I tried to just wait it out, maybe I was still just high? not dead. but when I closed my eyes it was as if I could feel myself dying and being brought into the world that the entities were residing in. I panicked and stood up, I looked down and seen my body, if I stopped moving I thought I was going to die I figured that maybe I overdosed. My last resort was to find tangible evidence that I in fact do exist. I called my girlfriend at the time who I told I was going to trip and who was okay with it and very understanding, she picked up immediately and while starring at the abyss of entities I asked her bluntly "do I exist! please, please tell me that I exist". and in a very sweet voice she laughed and said "of course you exist honey, you're talking to me, so you exist!" that was just the evidence I needed to know that I exist it was almost as if she knew what was happening, what she said was almost too perfect... makes me wonder sometimes. but again, I digress. as soon as she told me this, the entities let out a sigh, like I disappointed them or failed. it was almost like an orchestrated test to see if I was ready for when I do die, and I wasn't. the entities shut the door on me and almost instantly, I was pretty much sober again. but that wasn't the end of that trip, that trip has yet to end. I gave myself hppd along with psychosis, the psychosis only lasted a few months but I have been hallucinating for about 2 years now, at a point it was a living hell, but I have made peace with it, and now its like a close friend of mine.
closing statements: after all of this took place, about a week later I moved a town over leaving everything behind to move in with my girlfriend at the time, but my inertia persisted, so I moved again, and again, and again. each time running further away. but no matter how far I travelled, I always found myself. my time had come to go home, I was alone an ocean away from family or anyone I knew, I was exhausted from running, so for the first time in a long time I did something I hadn't considered, I called my family, crying and asked for help. without hesitation they helped me get back home to that quaint riverside village that I missed so much. soon after coming home, my ex from when I was younger got in contact with me for the first time in years and we reconnected so I decided I needed to get better, at the time I was helplessly addicted to escaping. so I went to rehab for 42 days, got clean, and figured out what I want to do with my life. I realized I want to be on the path of selfless service, so I'm working on my education in hopes that I can contribute in a meaningful way to my community, a community still in shambles from the aftermath of residential school. im now focusing on school, with the love of my life again, and life is just.. amazing.
please, take my story as a living testament to both the upsides and the turmoil that psychedelics can bring. be careful in your travels.
thanks to all that got this far, I love you all.
kindest regards, drug-mosphere.
SAMAYA! rgya rgya rgya