First I'm going to write a bit of background information. I am keeping it brief and only adding what is interesting/relevant to the question.
However, I will do a line of "*'s" before and after for those in a rush or who cba can skip to the question itself.
************************************************************
It is important to add that I have a long history of both eating disorders and addiction. I am 24 and have suffered, on and off, with both eating disorders (since I was 11) and addiction (since I was 17).
I have struggled with anorexia and bulimia for over 13 years and have even been hospitalized with it more than once. I *have* been seriously working on it, and although the thoughts never go away and there is no true *cure* for eating disorders, I have been maintaining a healthy weight and diet and my eating disorder has been considered "in remission" for the best part of the last 18 months.
The substance abuse/dependency started when I was 19. Due to Borderline Personality Disorder and an ever-worsening severe clinical depression, I was profoundly depressed, had an intense anxiety disorder and had become very socially isolated. I had literally no friends and never even seen my family apart from brother and parents whom I lived with.
I eventually (it had taken me 8 years to do so) plucked up the courage to see a doctor about my depression and anxiety. I was shaking like crazy and thought I might pass out, but I did it. He diagnosed with with Major Depressive Episode (Severe) and co-morbid Anxiety Disorder [it was a year later that a psych doctor diagnosed my Borderline Personality Disorder...which actually explains everything else, really] and prescribed me Sertraline (Zoloft).
Purely by coincidence, at this time everyone I knew was suggesting I drink alcohol in order to relax and be able to make friends. A few days after I started on Sertraline, my brother and his friends were having a BBQ in the garden at my house. I to this day don't know why but - plucking up all my courage - I accepted their invitation to join them. At first I was very nervous and quiet and spoke only when spoken to, but by the time I finished my second pint, I felt more relaxed and open.
I ended up having a great time and many of the guys there invited me to hang out with them again.
This led to me hanging out with them several times a week, almost always involving a lot of alcohol and marijuana (the latter I only occasionally partook in).
I began to feel a bit blah and like something was missing when I didn't drink and soon was drinking every night.
One day, months later, I had a sleepover at a friends house. By then I was very social and had many different circles of friends. I was also drinking most of the day, every day, but never ever did I consider it to be an issue. The next morning I woke up and pretty soon was shaking and sweating and vomiting (I was trembling so badly my friends elder brother had to CARRY me to the bathroom to puke). I just felt so terrible.
At 11am my dad picked me up and took me home. This was when I first began to consider maybe I needed alcohol, so when I got home, I quickly down 4 large shots of vodka from one of the bottles I kept in my bedroom. 15 minutes later, every single symptom was gone and I felt great. This is when it dawned on me that I was addicted to, and physically dependant on, alcohol.
Over the next few years my alcoholism worsened considerable, taking over my whole life and ruining the relationships I had with family and friends. I also was hospitalized several time for hallucinations, Delirium Tremens and grand mal seizures due to severe alcohol withdrawal.
Two years ago, I got a very severe case of acute alcoholic pancreatitis. I almost died and spent 10 weeks in hospital (the first 6 in Intensive Care). I was so ill I didn't even realize or remember, but apparently they detoxed me from alcohol using Chlordiazapoxide (Librium) and IV Vitamins.
Acute pancreatitis is an extremely painful medical condition and so I was injected with morphine every 4 hours for the 10 weeks I was in hospital.
So I left the hospital alcohol free, but now physically dependant on opiates. They gave me a prescription for OxyContin to take every 12 hours plus immediate release Oxycodone capsules to take up to four times a day for any breakthrough pain.
I loved the feel of them as I had loved the morphine in hospital and found myself lying about how much pain I was in in order to keep having my prescription increased. Soon swallowing them wasn't enough and I began either chewing or crushing-and-snorting my pills. When I'd reached a certain dose, my doctor refused to increase it any more saying I was on an exceptionally high dose for my age and weight and it would be dangerous to give me any more...so I began buying Oxy online, practically doubling what I received off my doctor.
Eventually I was caught by my parents. I broke down and confessed all and they accompanied me to see my doctor and made me tell him everything.
He was shocked but sympathetic and even got my an appointment at an addictions centre for the very next morning. I spent a week as a day-patient there as I was titrated onto methadone, which would curb my cravings for morphine and oxycodone and prevent any opiate withdrawal, while also preventing any pain.
So for the past 2 years I have stuck to my methadone script. I still occasionally abuse opiates, but not very often and I find I can easily control myself now.
Earlier this year I went into a detox facility (I was drinking up to 8 bottles of wine a day at this point and they had to give me 50mg Librium, 2.5mg Lorazepam and 1.5mg Haloperidol every hour to stop the withdrawals from tiling me) and I have remained abstinent from alcohol ever since.
I still recreationally use drugs of all types (examples include: Adderall, Ritalin, Phenobarbital, Zopiclone, Heroin, Ketamine, MDMA, Valium etc) but the use is always casual and I never let it become problematic. The only time I came close was at the start of this year: I took Amphetamine Sulphate at fairly high doses, 3-4 times a day every single day for 12 weeks.
***********************************************************************************
I have twice in the past used stimulants for weight loss. When I was 17, I read about how you could get "high" by deliberately causing "Acute Caffeine Intoxication", which occurs when you consume more than 300mg of caffeine in a relatively short period of time. I took to replacing breakfast with two LARGE, strong, cups of coffee (300-400mg caffeine) and replacing lunch with 3-4 cans of sugar-free Red Bull (300-375mg caffeine). Sometimes I ate a regular evening meal, sometimes I skipped it.
When I was 20 or 21 I began hearing and reading a lot about a so-called miracle weight loss drug called Ephedrine and - remembering my success with caffeine, which is a significantly weaker stimulant than Ephedrine - I immediately ordered a bottle of the pills. I took the "ECA Stack" (pills containing Ephedrine 30mg, Caffeine 120mg and Aspirin 15mg). I took the maximum dose of two pills three times a day.
I was bursting with energy, couldn't stop talking and literally never felt hungry. It decreased my appetite to the point of my having an aversion to food. Just the sight or smell of it made me feel nauseous and revolted by it.
However, after several weeks I became very anxious and paranoid, became incoherent while talking and began having visual hallucinations. My parents took me to hospital where I was admitted and diagnosed with 1) Acute brief Psychosis, secondary to sleep deprivation and chronic stimulant use, 2) Severe Dehydration and 3) Chronic Malnutrition. After a week on a rehydration drip being fed and given the nutritional supplement drink "Ensure", I was free of all symptoms. I never touched Ephedrine again.
As I said, I spent several weeks on Amphetamine Sulphate earlier this year. I was going through an extremely difficult time, personally. I was made homeless and had to move into an Emergency Accommodation Shelter, my grandmother, whom I was very close to, died of cancer, and my parents announced they were getting a divorce.
I used the amphetamine to help me deal with it, like a mental crutch.
I stopped after 12 weeks when my life seemed to be getting back on track and I felt I no longer needed it.
However, during those 12 weeks I became much more confident and sociable, was able to think and concentrate so much more clearly, lost 35lb without trying and for the first time in as long as I can remember had boundless energy. I hate to say it, but amphetamines made me a better me.
As I say my eating disorder has been in remission for the past 18 months and I maintained a slim/healthy body weight: at 5"7 I was 118-121lb.
I recently weighed myself after a couple of months of not bothering and was disappointed - but not surprised - to see I was 132lb. I suspected as much as my jeans were starting to get tight and two of my favourite tops no longer fit.
I decided I was going to lose 10lb, especially with Xmas - and the inevitable weight gain there - only a month away. Remembering that I had lost 35lb with literally NO effort while taking Amphetamine Sulphate (not to mention how GOOD it had made me feel) I decided to take it for a while, to lose the extra 10lb.
I have now been taking Amphetamine Sulphate three (sometimes four if I'm not gonna sleep that night) times a day for 17 days. In this time I have lost 15lbs, going from 132 to 117.
Great! But I know I'd be happier at 105lb and I don't wanna lose the feeling the amphetamine gives me, so I've decided to continue for the time being.
The only drawback is the severe insomnia. This is how my sleep-cycle went:
Days 1, 2, 3 and 4: No sleep whatsoever.
Days 5 and 6: 2hr30-3hr sleep.
Days 7 and 8: No sleep at all.
Day 9: Just under 3 hours sleep.
I know that a) this was both unhealthy and not maintainable and b) it would soon result in sleep deprivation psychosis. So I purchased some benzodiazepines. Being naturally very prone to anxiety, I have used benzo's many many times and find them a life saver. I have taken at least 15 different ones over the past couple of years, but none for about 8 months. This time I got Pyrazolam (a new one to try) and Diazepam (a reliable old favourite).
I just watched Requiem for a Dream - an extremely good movie about the lives of four individuals living on Coney Island (just off New York) and how their lives spiral out of control as they each fall deeper and deeper into their addictions - and it shook me up a little. Made me worry about what I am doing myself.
If I continue to take highish doses of Amphetamine throughout the day, and then a decent dose of (for example) Valium/Diazepam at night so I can relax and sleep - will I end up like Sarah Goldfarb in Requiem for a Dream? I also read the book and the main ingredient in her diet pills is Amphetamine Sulphate (AKA Pure/Uncut Speed) and the pill she takes at night that knocks her out is Diazepam (Valium). That is LITERALLY, EXACTLY what I am taking.
I'm experiencing only positives so far: losing 15lb in just a couple of weeks, everyone is commenting on how happy and confident I seem, I'm full of energy whereas normally I am almost always tired, I find it easier to keep good conversation flowing, even with people I've just met and I'm wittier/quicker than usual and find it easy to make people laugh; meaning people like me more; the warm, fuzzy, calmness of the diazepam makes such a nice difference at the end of the day and then I practically melt into my bed and ALWAYS have a great, restful and refreshing nights sleep.
The positives of this just so significantly outweigh any negatives there might be. I even know I'm not physically addicted, I could stop if I had to for some reason.
Is there any way I can continue to live this way and stay sane and healthy? I take anti-depressants (an SSRI) every day with nothing bad resulting, I take Methadone (a potent opiate) everyday without any bad results. Oh and I also take antihistamines (Diphenhydramine) daily, again with no drawbacks. So why can't it be the same with Amphetamine Sulphate and Diazepam? Thousands, probably millions, of people take diazepam every day for long periods of time because they suffer a severe anxiety disorder, I have a friend who takes Lorazepam (another benzo) everyday - and has for 6 years - to control epileptic fits. And there are again; thousands, if not millions of people - even KIDS - who take amphetamines (Adderall, Ritalin, Concerta, Focalin, Dexadrine, Vyvanse) every day to treat ADD/ADHA or Narcolepsy.
Is there anyone else out there who takes amphetamines every day, in the long term? Or Benzodiazepines? Or (even better) both? How does it affect your life? Any drawbacks?
I'd be interested in hearing from anyone who has experience with these drugs, knows someone who has or any professionals in the area of drugs/medications/similar. Even just people who have an opinion or some advice?
Please comment if you can, I feel very alone in this and I have nobody in real life I can talk to, so I would really appreciate to hear from anybody.
P.S Thanks for taking the time to read this
I apologise for the length, I tried to keep it as short as possible, but there just seemed to be so many relevant things that needed adding (and my amphetamine-addled brain probably had something to do with it lol). I hope it was interesting rather than Boring! Again, thanks x.
However, I will do a line of "*'s" before and after for those in a rush or who cba can skip to the question itself.
************************************************************
It is important to add that I have a long history of both eating disorders and addiction. I am 24 and have suffered, on and off, with both eating disorders (since I was 11) and addiction (since I was 17).
I have struggled with anorexia and bulimia for over 13 years and have even been hospitalized with it more than once. I *have* been seriously working on it, and although the thoughts never go away and there is no true *cure* for eating disorders, I have been maintaining a healthy weight and diet and my eating disorder has been considered "in remission" for the best part of the last 18 months.
The substance abuse/dependency started when I was 19. Due to Borderline Personality Disorder and an ever-worsening severe clinical depression, I was profoundly depressed, had an intense anxiety disorder and had become very socially isolated. I had literally no friends and never even seen my family apart from brother and parents whom I lived with.
I eventually (it had taken me 8 years to do so) plucked up the courage to see a doctor about my depression and anxiety. I was shaking like crazy and thought I might pass out, but I did it. He diagnosed with with Major Depressive Episode (Severe) and co-morbid Anxiety Disorder [it was a year later that a psych doctor diagnosed my Borderline Personality Disorder...which actually explains everything else, really] and prescribed me Sertraline (Zoloft).
Purely by coincidence, at this time everyone I knew was suggesting I drink alcohol in order to relax and be able to make friends. A few days after I started on Sertraline, my brother and his friends were having a BBQ in the garden at my house. I to this day don't know why but - plucking up all my courage - I accepted their invitation to join them. At first I was very nervous and quiet and spoke only when spoken to, but by the time I finished my second pint, I felt more relaxed and open.
I ended up having a great time and many of the guys there invited me to hang out with them again.
This led to me hanging out with them several times a week, almost always involving a lot of alcohol and marijuana (the latter I only occasionally partook in).
I began to feel a bit blah and like something was missing when I didn't drink and soon was drinking every night.
One day, months later, I had a sleepover at a friends house. By then I was very social and had many different circles of friends. I was also drinking most of the day, every day, but never ever did I consider it to be an issue. The next morning I woke up and pretty soon was shaking and sweating and vomiting (I was trembling so badly my friends elder brother had to CARRY me to the bathroom to puke). I just felt so terrible.
At 11am my dad picked me up and took me home. This was when I first began to consider maybe I needed alcohol, so when I got home, I quickly down 4 large shots of vodka from one of the bottles I kept in my bedroom. 15 minutes later, every single symptom was gone and I felt great. This is when it dawned on me that I was addicted to, and physically dependant on, alcohol.
Over the next few years my alcoholism worsened considerable, taking over my whole life and ruining the relationships I had with family and friends. I also was hospitalized several time for hallucinations, Delirium Tremens and grand mal seizures due to severe alcohol withdrawal.
Two years ago, I got a very severe case of acute alcoholic pancreatitis. I almost died and spent 10 weeks in hospital (the first 6 in Intensive Care). I was so ill I didn't even realize or remember, but apparently they detoxed me from alcohol using Chlordiazapoxide (Librium) and IV Vitamins.
Acute pancreatitis is an extremely painful medical condition and so I was injected with morphine every 4 hours for the 10 weeks I was in hospital.
So I left the hospital alcohol free, but now physically dependant on opiates. They gave me a prescription for OxyContin to take every 12 hours plus immediate release Oxycodone capsules to take up to four times a day for any breakthrough pain.
I loved the feel of them as I had loved the morphine in hospital and found myself lying about how much pain I was in in order to keep having my prescription increased. Soon swallowing them wasn't enough and I began either chewing or crushing-and-snorting my pills. When I'd reached a certain dose, my doctor refused to increase it any more saying I was on an exceptionally high dose for my age and weight and it would be dangerous to give me any more...so I began buying Oxy online, practically doubling what I received off my doctor.
Eventually I was caught by my parents. I broke down and confessed all and they accompanied me to see my doctor and made me tell him everything.
He was shocked but sympathetic and even got my an appointment at an addictions centre for the very next morning. I spent a week as a day-patient there as I was titrated onto methadone, which would curb my cravings for morphine and oxycodone and prevent any opiate withdrawal, while also preventing any pain.
So for the past 2 years I have stuck to my methadone script. I still occasionally abuse opiates, but not very often and I find I can easily control myself now.
Earlier this year I went into a detox facility (I was drinking up to 8 bottles of wine a day at this point and they had to give me 50mg Librium, 2.5mg Lorazepam and 1.5mg Haloperidol every hour to stop the withdrawals from tiling me) and I have remained abstinent from alcohol ever since.
I still recreationally use drugs of all types (examples include: Adderall, Ritalin, Phenobarbital, Zopiclone, Heroin, Ketamine, MDMA, Valium etc) but the use is always casual and I never let it become problematic. The only time I came close was at the start of this year: I took Amphetamine Sulphate at fairly high doses, 3-4 times a day every single day for 12 weeks.
***********************************************************************************
I have twice in the past used stimulants for weight loss. When I was 17, I read about how you could get "high" by deliberately causing "Acute Caffeine Intoxication", which occurs when you consume more than 300mg of caffeine in a relatively short period of time. I took to replacing breakfast with two LARGE, strong, cups of coffee (300-400mg caffeine) and replacing lunch with 3-4 cans of sugar-free Red Bull (300-375mg caffeine). Sometimes I ate a regular evening meal, sometimes I skipped it.
When I was 20 or 21 I began hearing and reading a lot about a so-called miracle weight loss drug called Ephedrine and - remembering my success with caffeine, which is a significantly weaker stimulant than Ephedrine - I immediately ordered a bottle of the pills. I took the "ECA Stack" (pills containing Ephedrine 30mg, Caffeine 120mg and Aspirin 15mg). I took the maximum dose of two pills three times a day.
I was bursting with energy, couldn't stop talking and literally never felt hungry. It decreased my appetite to the point of my having an aversion to food. Just the sight or smell of it made me feel nauseous and revolted by it.
However, after several weeks I became very anxious and paranoid, became incoherent while talking and began having visual hallucinations. My parents took me to hospital where I was admitted and diagnosed with 1) Acute brief Psychosis, secondary to sleep deprivation and chronic stimulant use, 2) Severe Dehydration and 3) Chronic Malnutrition. After a week on a rehydration drip being fed and given the nutritional supplement drink "Ensure", I was free of all symptoms. I never touched Ephedrine again.
As I said, I spent several weeks on Amphetamine Sulphate earlier this year. I was going through an extremely difficult time, personally. I was made homeless and had to move into an Emergency Accommodation Shelter, my grandmother, whom I was very close to, died of cancer, and my parents announced they were getting a divorce.
I used the amphetamine to help me deal with it, like a mental crutch.
I stopped after 12 weeks when my life seemed to be getting back on track and I felt I no longer needed it.
However, during those 12 weeks I became much more confident and sociable, was able to think and concentrate so much more clearly, lost 35lb without trying and for the first time in as long as I can remember had boundless energy. I hate to say it, but amphetamines made me a better me.
As I say my eating disorder has been in remission for the past 18 months and I maintained a slim/healthy body weight: at 5"7 I was 118-121lb.
I recently weighed myself after a couple of months of not bothering and was disappointed - but not surprised - to see I was 132lb. I suspected as much as my jeans were starting to get tight and two of my favourite tops no longer fit.
I decided I was going to lose 10lb, especially with Xmas - and the inevitable weight gain there - only a month away. Remembering that I had lost 35lb with literally NO effort while taking Amphetamine Sulphate (not to mention how GOOD it had made me feel) I decided to take it for a while, to lose the extra 10lb.
I have now been taking Amphetamine Sulphate three (sometimes four if I'm not gonna sleep that night) times a day for 17 days. In this time I have lost 15lbs, going from 132 to 117.
Great! But I know I'd be happier at 105lb and I don't wanna lose the feeling the amphetamine gives me, so I've decided to continue for the time being.
The only drawback is the severe insomnia. This is how my sleep-cycle went:
Days 1, 2, 3 and 4: No sleep whatsoever.
Days 5 and 6: 2hr30-3hr sleep.
Days 7 and 8: No sleep at all.
Day 9: Just under 3 hours sleep.
I know that a) this was both unhealthy and not maintainable and b) it would soon result in sleep deprivation psychosis. So I purchased some benzodiazepines. Being naturally very prone to anxiety, I have used benzo's many many times and find them a life saver. I have taken at least 15 different ones over the past couple of years, but none for about 8 months. This time I got Pyrazolam (a new one to try) and Diazepam (a reliable old favourite).
I just watched Requiem for a Dream - an extremely good movie about the lives of four individuals living on Coney Island (just off New York) and how their lives spiral out of control as they each fall deeper and deeper into their addictions - and it shook me up a little. Made me worry about what I am doing myself.
If I continue to take highish doses of Amphetamine throughout the day, and then a decent dose of (for example) Valium/Diazepam at night so I can relax and sleep - will I end up like Sarah Goldfarb in Requiem for a Dream? I also read the book and the main ingredient in her diet pills is Amphetamine Sulphate (AKA Pure/Uncut Speed) and the pill she takes at night that knocks her out is Diazepam (Valium). That is LITERALLY, EXACTLY what I am taking.
I'm experiencing only positives so far: losing 15lb in just a couple of weeks, everyone is commenting on how happy and confident I seem, I'm full of energy whereas normally I am almost always tired, I find it easier to keep good conversation flowing, even with people I've just met and I'm wittier/quicker than usual and find it easy to make people laugh; meaning people like me more; the warm, fuzzy, calmness of the diazepam makes such a nice difference at the end of the day and then I practically melt into my bed and ALWAYS have a great, restful and refreshing nights sleep.
The positives of this just so significantly outweigh any negatives there might be. I even know I'm not physically addicted, I could stop if I had to for some reason.
Is there any way I can continue to live this way and stay sane and healthy? I take anti-depressants (an SSRI) every day with nothing bad resulting, I take Methadone (a potent opiate) everyday without any bad results. Oh and I also take antihistamines (Diphenhydramine) daily, again with no drawbacks. So why can't it be the same with Amphetamine Sulphate and Diazepam? Thousands, probably millions, of people take diazepam every day for long periods of time because they suffer a severe anxiety disorder, I have a friend who takes Lorazepam (another benzo) everyday - and has for 6 years - to control epileptic fits. And there are again; thousands, if not millions of people - even KIDS - who take amphetamines (Adderall, Ritalin, Concerta, Focalin, Dexadrine, Vyvanse) every day to treat ADD/ADHA or Narcolepsy.
Is there anyone else out there who takes amphetamines every day, in the long term? Or Benzodiazepines? Or (even better) both? How does it affect your life? Any drawbacks?
I'd be interested in hearing from anyone who has experience with these drugs, knows someone who has or any professionals in the area of drugs/medications/similar. Even just people who have an opinion or some advice?
Please comment if you can, I feel very alone in this and I have nobody in real life I can talk to, so I would really appreciate to hear from anybody.
P.S Thanks for taking the time to read this
I apologise for the length, I tried to keep it as short as possible, but there just seemed to be so many relevant things that needed adding (and my amphetamine-addled brain probably had something to do with it lol). I hope it was interesting rather than Boring! Again, thanks x.
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