Am I leaving notes for myself? Or am I just having delusions of reference?

[Lightning-Nl]

I've noticed recently that I do not hear exactly what I say. I made a recording of a conversation I had with my mother without her knowing. In one part of the conversation I confronting her about being psychologically abusive. What I said to her was - "So, what you're saying is; I can't blame you or dad for feeling bad about myself?" but when I played back the recording what I actually said was "So, what you're saying is; I can't blame your dad for feeling bad about myself?"

I know for a fact that I heard myself say "you or dad" but in the recording, plain as day I hear "your dad". Now let me explain why that could be significant. My grandfather lived with my parents for 18 years and he was there when I was a little kid. I never really knew him to be honest. I have only one memory of him and that's him eating dinner with my family. I was approximately 3-5 whenever this memory happened.

It has recently come to my attention that I (most likely) have repressed memories of sexual abuse. I don't know how, when, where, what, or why. I can't remember any images or sounds. I can feel it in my mind. But I can't access it. It's possible these memories could have been instigated by my grandfather.

Second.

I've experienced this several times, but decided they meant something three days ago. When I look away from my computer or phone, and I'm distracted by something else - I always type something without even realizing it. The times this has happened I've always felt an incredibly, sudden immediate burst of almost total dissociation from anything. My mind will be gone for literally 5-7 seconds, and then I'll snap out of it.

The times this has happened, simple words have appeared on my phone, and my computer and I had no recollection of typing it. Because of how many times this has happened, I'm wondering is these simple words are clues to a much larger, inner, deeper, unconscious memory that I'm trying to give myself clues to so I can remember them. These are significant because there is no way I could have accidentally pushed the buttons in the order I have.

I've started recording what the things that have been typed are. So far I've kept two. The two most recent ones. Those being...

• 9=5-40
• LP (in capitals)

The 9=5-40 is the most mysterious one. But I believe it may have something to do with 'LP'. My father has a vinyl record collection and my whole life - I've heard him say the word 'LP' meaning a vinyl record of course. Maybe the 9=5-40 could lead me to a specific record that could hold some to clue as to what this means (if anything) ?

--------------------

My second thought on this is that I'm experiencing psychotic symptoms (ideas of reference) about things that have no relation to each other whatsoever. And while I admit, that it could be that I'm just crazy - I know in my soul that there is something to this. I need to find out.

 

[alasdairm]

if you say them at a normal conversational pace, "you or dad" and "your dad" sound pretty much the same.

I know in my soul that there is something to this. I need to find out.

good luck.

related reading:

Synchronicity

alasdair

 

[Lightning-Nl]

Thanks a lot for the reply. Interesting stuff. You made a post saying on there that may of these sychonocities can be explained by different phenomena and I agree. Most of them can.

But then again, if you asked me if I believe in god or not, I would say yes. If you asked why, I would reply with "Because I just know." Many people would say that you can't make a judgement based on something that has no evidence and, if you were to say that, I would also agree. You can't make a judgement based on no evidence. That's just not how things work.

I would admit to you that I have no evidence of god existing. I don't know if there is a god, I don't know if god is a he/she. I don't know, because I have no evidence of anything. But whatever god is. Nature, life in itself, the force. Whatever it is... I know it's there. I have no proof, I just know. I know it in my soul.

That's why I asked about these two unconscious things I've written. I just know... and I wish more than anything else in the world that I could find the answer. And that I could remember my childhood and that I didn't have to question my sanity every day when I go to bed...

I know that my life makes no sense. I know there is an explanation. I just know it...

 

[Jerry Atrick]

if you say them at a normal conversational pace, "you or dad" and "your dad" sound pretty much the same.good luck.

I will echo what alasdair said ^ and add that I have recorded with a digital handheld recorder and, especially at a distance, that the words will be distorted and vowels can run together. I have also recorded with a $350 microphone into a desktop computer via an audio interface and, with the mic placed close to the mouth, these types of phenomena are not as common.

As for the following:

• 9=5-40
• LP (in capitals)

You got the code wrong. What it really means is that you should work 9-5, which = 40 hours per week so you can afford a brand new Gibson Les Paul guitar. Do it!

My second thought on this is that I'm experiencing psychotic symptoms (ideas of reference) about things that have no relation to each other whatsoever. And while I admit, that it could be that I'm just crazy - I know in my soul that there is something to this. I need to find out.

As someone who has suffered with mental illness for a decade, I recognize that you are being a little paranoid and you are, in fact, making some associations that prolly aren't there. The good news is that you are aware of your behavior. I recommend perhaps just talking to a therapist or counselor, a professional listener who may be able to empower you to steer yourself in the right direction without the use of medication. The medication route is a slippery slope ie. once you start it's very difficult to stop.

I don't mean to scare you by saying that because if medication is what you need, then by all means take it. But I would try talk therapy first and if that doesn't work, ask the therapist if they think you need to see a psychiatrist. A good therapist knows when talking ain't cutting it and can sometimes recognize that medication is necessary. Good luck.