nomadicone
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2013
- Messages
- 2
If you're out there and you can help, here is the situation.
I have been in a monogamous relationship for two years. This has been my third long-term relationship in a row, totaling 8 years since I've been a single woman. I recently turned 31. I started dating guys early on in life, around 13. I used to jump from boyfriend to boyfriend, never having more than about one month with any one of them. At that point, I'd leave the relationship because I'd get bored, felt pressured to lose my virginity to someone I wasn't in love with, or simply fall for a new guy. I was rarely single my entire high school life... and yet never really committed to anyone for very long. I lost my virginity when I was 16. The second time I had sex, about 3-4 months later, was after being drugged and raped by a college guy. I actually woke up during it and could not speak or move, but was conscious. Afterwards, I slept with about 5 or 6 guys I didn't know within about a 3 month time period. I swore off guys and relationships after that, and crawled into a relationship hole.
My first long-term boyfriend came around about a year later, when I was almost 18. He was 5 years older than me, and for our two years together, I always felt I had to force myself to have sex. I didn't like it and felt it was something I was "supposed" to do in a relationship. I ended the relationship and moved to another state for college, ready to remake myself. For the next 3 years, I refused to have a boyfriend. I had many love affairs, but always kept my freedom in tact, and my focus on my self, my friendships and my studies. My lovers became a way for me to explore my sexuality without the pressure of a relationship... and it was an incredible period of my life where I had all kinds of different men fulfilling different areas of my desires... some were sex-friends, some were romantic/intimate/massage friends, and some were date-night friend. It was easy then since we were all transparent about our relationship - or lack thereof - terms, and led our lives privately from one another otherwise.
I finally fell in head-over-heels deep love at age 23, Guy#1. My boyfriend and I were mutually committed instantaneously, and stayed together for 4 years after our first encounter. Though, we did have a very strange relationship. We had an incredible, never failing sex life, and were mad crazy attracted to each other on every level - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. We just didn't have much in common in terms of interests, and so knowingly led double lives in order to make it work. I slept with and/or had full-blown relationships with at least 9 other men (maybe more) during that period, most of them of which occurred during the last two years of our relationship together, and many of which he knew about. This was my logical response to his lack of attention/affection/friendship; he is a literal genius with Asperger's and typically worked day in and day out without any sleep or breaks. So I spent my time with other men in whatever capacity I needed/desired. It was extremely taxing and yet provided needed fulfillment. I saw it as a way to sustain our relationship without having to break-up and both have what we needed/wanted out of life and love. I absolutely longed for him to be my ONE partner who would satisfy all my desires for strong elements of sexual intimacy, intellectual and emotional stimulation via shared interests, and strong friendship and communication. And since he was not, I fulfilled them elsewhere. We even lived together that entire time, and many of the guys I dated ended up with broken hearts because I refused to leave my boyfriend and was ultimately not able to give them what they wanted from me. I finally got tired of yearning for my one true love and substituting him out for other men, and having sort of a manic-depressive experience of relationships.
So I left him moved again for grad-school, and immediately got involved in my next relationship, which lasted two years. I decided going into it that I wouldn't emotionally cheat on him or sleep with other men. I couldn't do it. I found out steadily that he was in fact cheating on me with multiple women, and yet would cry and beg me to stay with him when I'd want to leave. My response - I fell for and slept with other men throughout our entire time together. I even had a three month affair with my previous boyfriend, Guy#1, who ended up spending the summer in the same city as me. Guy#2 and I did NOT have a good sex life. He was never connected, and had trouble performing due to his minimal sexual history, lack of experience, and extreme sexual confidence issues resulting from some rather f'd up stuff from his childhood. He was an excellent partner otherwise and we worked intensely on communication, honesty and transparency. We both knew we wouldn't stay together but ended up doing it since we felt we could learn a lot from working on ourselves through the relationship.
Several months after that relationship was over, I entered into my current relationship, with Guy#3. This is absolutely the best man I have ever dated, and the strongest, most fulfilling relationship I've ever had. We have a strong friendship, excellent communication, common interests and values. I did notice, however, that from the start I had a lot of hesitation about spending our lives together. We had different goals, sometimes conflicting personalities, and different directions in some key ways. We had such a strong relationship otherwise that we've always stayed together and have worked diligently through tough times together. He is my best friend and I cannot imagine giving up our love. Yet, our sex life has been rather bleak since around the third month in. He has some physical insecurities which affect his sexual performance, and make him very sensitive and not so very present in the bedroom. I tried SOOOOO hard to work on this with him and be patient. I got so sexually pent up that I have ended up sleeping with other men, despite continually telling myself I won't do it again. In two years, there have been at least 7 men I've slept with. None of them are ever long-standing sexual affairs, but often it's with a past lover that I happen to see when I'm out of town, with whom I have an intense connection with. I just did it again this past weekend, traveling 12 hours to see an old lover, of which I promised myself would be a platonic development of our 10 year history. The connection was instant the moment I saw him and I was unable to resist the feelings, which eventually led to my being unable to resist the incredibly connected love-making. I drove home with an incredible amount of shame and guilt... and seriously am concerned about myself and the devastation I would cause if my boyfriend were to find out. It's kind of backwards perhaps, but I feel like these moments of my giving into the experience of extreme connection allow me to return to my partner with a newfound energy and focus on the relationship: stated simply, the only reason I feel I'm able to stay present in our relationship, loving and honoring all of what awesome we share that seems incredibly unique, is to fulfill my need for sex and intense love-connection in private.
The point of my long story (which is actually very short considering the length of time I've just tried to cover), is that I just came to realize that I have refused to close doors to past or present opportunities for deeply connected sex and love, nor can I seem to resist them when they are presented to me. Part of my rational is that I won't be young and have this body, these opportunities, or this sex-drive forever, right? Eh, here is the twist...... I have EXTREME trust issues with my current partner and go crazy if and when he displays any form of sexual interest or desire in other woman. I often wonder if my behavior is the cause or effect of my trust issues. Do I not trust my partner because I cannot trust my self and know how easy it is for me to have an intensely connected sexual experience and then go right back to loving my man - or - do I have issues trusting because of my men's inability to really connect and commit to me, and my lack of fidelity is therefore a learned coping mechanism to the potential of getting hurt/lied to? Or maybe it's something else completely.
I really have come to wonder if I have an addiction to falling in love and having intensely magical, connected, and varied sex... I don't know what to do because I crave my partner's complete connection/devotion and somehow feel I have the right to fulfill my needs elsewhere in areas where it's lacking, or whenever I'm not getting it and the opportunity is presenting itself. It's interesting that never once have any of these "affairs" been with completely random men. They are at least men I've developed an irresistibly strong connection to, which seem to happen somewhat regularly and easily. I'm a very unique woman, wild, smart, down-to-earth, independent and a world-traveler. I'm successful, have multiple degrees and am the CEO of an organization. I'm not trying to brag, I'm just saying that I've got all that going on for me plus a naturally really fit and curvy body... Delicious, intelligent and unique men often fall quickly for me after just a short period of time getting to know one another, and equally, I have learned to live in this world of sexual delight and deeply intimate connection. Perhaps I'm meant to be single... but I love the friendship/companionship of a male on a daily basis, and yet want to have my cake and eat it to. But I happen to date men who say they are not open to or interested in being poly... well at least not my Guy#3. I'm not sure that is what I want either, since I am not convinced that any man could actually handle it with the same grace as I do, and not let it negatively impact the relationship.
So for now... I live a double life and have severely jaded double standards. I don't know if I have an addiction, if should explore new models of relationships, or what. I just know I cannot continue to lie to a man who I love, respect deeply, and does not deserve to go through this. I want to be good to him and keep him, and I'm very afraid that my embedded behaviors, unless examined and altered, are going to destroy us or any other partnership I find myself in. I suspect that it's gotten bad enough that I fear I'd still sleep with other men even if there was nothing wrong with my partnership.
Please help. And please spare me the insults about being selfish or a terrible human being... I'm well aware of my sins and since I do not belong to a church, I'm turning to you as my confessional. Please offer me something that can help me change or have a different perspective of what might be going on here.
Thank you, thank you...
Sincerely,
addicted2love... the
nomadicone
I have been in a monogamous relationship for two years. This has been my third long-term relationship in a row, totaling 8 years since I've been a single woman. I recently turned 31. I started dating guys early on in life, around 13. I used to jump from boyfriend to boyfriend, never having more than about one month with any one of them. At that point, I'd leave the relationship because I'd get bored, felt pressured to lose my virginity to someone I wasn't in love with, or simply fall for a new guy. I was rarely single my entire high school life... and yet never really committed to anyone for very long. I lost my virginity when I was 16. The second time I had sex, about 3-4 months later, was after being drugged and raped by a college guy. I actually woke up during it and could not speak or move, but was conscious. Afterwards, I slept with about 5 or 6 guys I didn't know within about a 3 month time period. I swore off guys and relationships after that, and crawled into a relationship hole.
My first long-term boyfriend came around about a year later, when I was almost 18. He was 5 years older than me, and for our two years together, I always felt I had to force myself to have sex. I didn't like it and felt it was something I was "supposed" to do in a relationship. I ended the relationship and moved to another state for college, ready to remake myself. For the next 3 years, I refused to have a boyfriend. I had many love affairs, but always kept my freedom in tact, and my focus on my self, my friendships and my studies. My lovers became a way for me to explore my sexuality without the pressure of a relationship... and it was an incredible period of my life where I had all kinds of different men fulfilling different areas of my desires... some were sex-friends, some were romantic/intimate/massage friends, and some were date-night friend. It was easy then since we were all transparent about our relationship - or lack thereof - terms, and led our lives privately from one another otherwise.
I finally fell in head-over-heels deep love at age 23, Guy#1. My boyfriend and I were mutually committed instantaneously, and stayed together for 4 years after our first encounter. Though, we did have a very strange relationship. We had an incredible, never failing sex life, and were mad crazy attracted to each other on every level - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. We just didn't have much in common in terms of interests, and so knowingly led double lives in order to make it work. I slept with and/or had full-blown relationships with at least 9 other men (maybe more) during that period, most of them of which occurred during the last two years of our relationship together, and many of which he knew about. This was my logical response to his lack of attention/affection/friendship; he is a literal genius with Asperger's and typically worked day in and day out without any sleep or breaks. So I spent my time with other men in whatever capacity I needed/desired. It was extremely taxing and yet provided needed fulfillment. I saw it as a way to sustain our relationship without having to break-up and both have what we needed/wanted out of life and love. I absolutely longed for him to be my ONE partner who would satisfy all my desires for strong elements of sexual intimacy, intellectual and emotional stimulation via shared interests, and strong friendship and communication. And since he was not, I fulfilled them elsewhere. We even lived together that entire time, and many of the guys I dated ended up with broken hearts because I refused to leave my boyfriend and was ultimately not able to give them what they wanted from me. I finally got tired of yearning for my one true love and substituting him out for other men, and having sort of a manic-depressive experience of relationships.
So I left him moved again for grad-school, and immediately got involved in my next relationship, which lasted two years. I decided going into it that I wouldn't emotionally cheat on him or sleep with other men. I couldn't do it. I found out steadily that he was in fact cheating on me with multiple women, and yet would cry and beg me to stay with him when I'd want to leave. My response - I fell for and slept with other men throughout our entire time together. I even had a three month affair with my previous boyfriend, Guy#1, who ended up spending the summer in the same city as me. Guy#2 and I did NOT have a good sex life. He was never connected, and had trouble performing due to his minimal sexual history, lack of experience, and extreme sexual confidence issues resulting from some rather f'd up stuff from his childhood. He was an excellent partner otherwise and we worked intensely on communication, honesty and transparency. We both knew we wouldn't stay together but ended up doing it since we felt we could learn a lot from working on ourselves through the relationship.
Several months after that relationship was over, I entered into my current relationship, with Guy#3. This is absolutely the best man I have ever dated, and the strongest, most fulfilling relationship I've ever had. We have a strong friendship, excellent communication, common interests and values. I did notice, however, that from the start I had a lot of hesitation about spending our lives together. We had different goals, sometimes conflicting personalities, and different directions in some key ways. We had such a strong relationship otherwise that we've always stayed together and have worked diligently through tough times together. He is my best friend and I cannot imagine giving up our love. Yet, our sex life has been rather bleak since around the third month in. He has some physical insecurities which affect his sexual performance, and make him very sensitive and not so very present in the bedroom. I tried SOOOOO hard to work on this with him and be patient. I got so sexually pent up that I have ended up sleeping with other men, despite continually telling myself I won't do it again. In two years, there have been at least 7 men I've slept with. None of them are ever long-standing sexual affairs, but often it's with a past lover that I happen to see when I'm out of town, with whom I have an intense connection with. I just did it again this past weekend, traveling 12 hours to see an old lover, of which I promised myself would be a platonic development of our 10 year history. The connection was instant the moment I saw him and I was unable to resist the feelings, which eventually led to my being unable to resist the incredibly connected love-making. I drove home with an incredible amount of shame and guilt... and seriously am concerned about myself and the devastation I would cause if my boyfriend were to find out. It's kind of backwards perhaps, but I feel like these moments of my giving into the experience of extreme connection allow me to return to my partner with a newfound energy and focus on the relationship: stated simply, the only reason I feel I'm able to stay present in our relationship, loving and honoring all of what awesome we share that seems incredibly unique, is to fulfill my need for sex and intense love-connection in private.
The point of my long story (which is actually very short considering the length of time I've just tried to cover), is that I just came to realize that I have refused to close doors to past or present opportunities for deeply connected sex and love, nor can I seem to resist them when they are presented to me. Part of my rational is that I won't be young and have this body, these opportunities, or this sex-drive forever, right? Eh, here is the twist...... I have EXTREME trust issues with my current partner and go crazy if and when he displays any form of sexual interest or desire in other woman. I often wonder if my behavior is the cause or effect of my trust issues. Do I not trust my partner because I cannot trust my self and know how easy it is for me to have an intensely connected sexual experience and then go right back to loving my man - or - do I have issues trusting because of my men's inability to really connect and commit to me, and my lack of fidelity is therefore a learned coping mechanism to the potential of getting hurt/lied to? Or maybe it's something else completely.
I really have come to wonder if I have an addiction to falling in love and having intensely magical, connected, and varied sex... I don't know what to do because I crave my partner's complete connection/devotion and somehow feel I have the right to fulfill my needs elsewhere in areas where it's lacking, or whenever I'm not getting it and the opportunity is presenting itself. It's interesting that never once have any of these "affairs" been with completely random men. They are at least men I've developed an irresistibly strong connection to, which seem to happen somewhat regularly and easily. I'm a very unique woman, wild, smart, down-to-earth, independent and a world-traveler. I'm successful, have multiple degrees and am the CEO of an organization. I'm not trying to brag, I'm just saying that I've got all that going on for me plus a naturally really fit and curvy body... Delicious, intelligent and unique men often fall quickly for me after just a short period of time getting to know one another, and equally, I have learned to live in this world of sexual delight and deeply intimate connection. Perhaps I'm meant to be single... but I love the friendship/companionship of a male on a daily basis, and yet want to have my cake and eat it to. But I happen to date men who say they are not open to or interested in being poly... well at least not my Guy#3. I'm not sure that is what I want either, since I am not convinced that any man could actually handle it with the same grace as I do, and not let it negatively impact the relationship.
So for now... I live a double life and have severely jaded double standards. I don't know if I have an addiction, if should explore new models of relationships, or what. I just know I cannot continue to lie to a man who I love, respect deeply, and does not deserve to go through this. I want to be good to him and keep him, and I'm very afraid that my embedded behaviors, unless examined and altered, are going to destroy us or any other partnership I find myself in. I suspect that it's gotten bad enough that I fear I'd still sleep with other men even if there was nothing wrong with my partnership.
Please help. And please spare me the insults about being selfish or a terrible human being... I'm well aware of my sins and since I do not belong to a church, I'm turning to you as my confessional. Please offer me something that can help me change or have a different perspective of what might be going on here.
Thank you, thank you...
Sincerely,
addicted2love... the
nomadicone
