Advice Age gap, jealous that my partner has done it all (and more) but is "past it" now

[pharaoh]

In simple terms, there is a age gap between my partner and I by more than 10 years, I am 31. When we met, she was a filthy minx and we had great sex but I took it all for granted. Since giving up most drugs, my libido has been back with a vengeance and naturally my sex drive too. She'd done it all before me (I am 31 now btw - we've been together 5 or so years), including 3somes with girls, guys, more even, had been a side piece on a couple of occasions. Anyway, since I've got all horny again, I've ended up frustrated. I need an outlet as I have a big libido. We've spoken (argued) about this and she accuses me of being immature because I basically said I want what you gave to those guys. I'm not jealous that she has done these things or judgemental, but j find myself resenting her because I don't get that stuff. I suggested splitting up amicably and she didn't want to and thinks we should try and get it back. We've done it once properly since and it's been good but I feel like I've missed out on so much and she's said before that "she's past it" and so I don't want pressure her. I dunno when she's next gonna be up for it you know? Whereas I feel like my libido is out of control. At the same time, I am young and I feel like I need more. I love her but when I've tried bringing it up she turns things around and says she wishes she'd never told me about her past, but everything I've read says that couples should be able to fall about their pasts and all that. I don't judge her, I just want her to be how she was and if she can't get there, then I think I have a right to move on. When we argued, I (regretfully) pointed out that scenarios like this are exactly why the married men she got involved with went for a side piece and of course she got very angry. But I dunno what to do. I love her, want to be there for her but want to live free and not live my 30s getting the odd quicky when she suddenly feels it - I wanna take time, I love her body and I want to make me most of it. She used to worship me and was a freak, now she's always tired or it's work or the dog is in the way or whatever. But she convinced us to give it another shot. I'll give it a chance and I just needed to vent cos I can't talk with her about it. What do I do if I am not satisfied? I'm not getting any younger either.

Anyway thanks for letting me vent bluelight, I dunno what to do. I am venting but would appreciate advice as well. It's making me frustrated, angry and worsening my depression and making me feel like I should be looking elsewhere. It is having a negative effect on our relationship too. And even when we do do it, I'm not allowed to drink in our relationship and feel like I have trouble getting past my inhibitions etc. But this is something I am working on.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

So…she’s not fulfilling your sexual needs? Like, she doesn’t want to have sex during the same times as you do, and as often? Or is there something more specific you want her to do that she’s not doing?

Just want you to clarify this part for me:

We've spoken (argued) about this and she accuses me of being immature because I basically said I want what you gave to those guys. I'm not jealous that she has done these things or judgemental, but j find myself resenting her because I don't get that stuff.

What did she give to those guys exactly? What “stuff” aren’t you getting? You mentioned that you’re a couple so I’m assuming it’s not just sex, or?

 

[pharaoh]

So…she’s not fulfilling your sexual needs? Like, she doesn’t want to have sex during the same times as you do, and as often? Or is there something more specific you want her to do that she’s not doing?

Just want you to clarify this part for me:



What did she give to those guys exactly? What “stuff” aren’t you getting? You mentioned that you’re a couple so I’m assuming it’s not just sex, or?

I suppose it's the level of attention, the time and effort that went into pleasing these guys whereas for me its just been a quick fondle, she'll bend over and then it's done when I finish. I would like to take time on it, maybe roleplay, help her bring out her sexuality and see what turns her on you know?

So yeah it's basically like that. As I said, recently after we fought about it and I said I was thinking about ending it, she suggested we try again and we did it shortly after, she was dressed in this kinky outfit and we took our time and all that. I have to blame myself a lot as I've had drug problems which made my libido basically go away (opiates) and so I don't think she was ready for what it would be like for when that libido comes back.

But anyway, a more direct answer I suppose would be that I want to have the kind of sexual attention and adventurism that she gave to previous partners. I still feel young and I know that I could get this kind of thing elsewhere but as I said I love her. If I didn't, I'd have left her long ago simply cos I want more from exploring sex/A woman's body. I have done well over the years with women but I feel like I've wasted so much time on drugs and my memory becomes spotty. I don't wanna go through my 30s being sober and only ever having the odd quicky once every two weeks if I'm lucky you know?

 

[G_Chem]

This is an incompatibility that you won’t overcome. You can’t talk/argue your way to more sex, and even if you do it’s only temporary as she tries to appease you. Sex is one of those things it’s either happening or it isn’t, no amount of discussion will turn a dead bedroom hot again.

You have to ask yourself if this is what you want, cuz it probably won’t be changing anytime soon. She could also be the type that loses libido once they’ve locked in a partner (happens often) and now that she’s got you no longer feels attraction cuz the chase is gone. Doesn’t really matter tho, what matters is you have needs not being met what are you going to do about it?

-GC

 

[pharaoh]

This is an incompatibility that you won’t overcome. You can’t talk/argue your way to more sex, and even if you do it’s only temporary as she tries to appease you. Sex is one of those things it’s either happening or it isn’t, no amount of discussion will turn a dead bedroom hot again.

You have to ask yourself if this is what you want, cuz it probably won’t be changing anytime soon. She could also be the type that loses libido once they’ve locked in a partner (happens often) and now that she’s got you no longer feels attraction cuz the chase is gone. Doesn’t really matter tho, what matters is you have needs not being met what are you going to do about it?

-GC

This is basically how it feels it's gonna be. We're locked in on so many things though and for me moving out of the relationship is gonna be really difficult. She'll help me I reckon but it's a big step. I dunno what to do man. I've put everything into it and gone through recovery to enter middle age. Every time I relapse it's cos of how fucking bored I am

 

[xtcgrrrl]

I don’t agree with @G_Chem because I think this problem might be able to be solved. I assume she’s older, yeah? If so, this could be about her entering the ~10 year span of time called peri menopause. When women are going through this, their libido dies down a lot due to lack of testosterone (and other hormones.) I suggest she try TRT or at least take DHEA orally every day. Theres ways she can eat and supplements she can take to get her libido back. I like this one:

Lovin' Libido

Lovin’ Libido is packed with traditional botanicals to help boost desire, enhance arousal and even support sexual satisfaction for women.

www.olly.com

Also this:

Mighty Mojo

Our scientifically formulated blend features clinically studied, research backed Tongkat Ali plus Resveratrol and Pine Bark Extract, which work to support free testosterone production, resulting in healthy sexual interest and an upbeat mood.*

www.olly.com

Might help, can’t hurt. I mean, she’s definitely still into you since she convinced you not to leave. There’s something there BESIDES just sex, and won’t it be great to sit side by side when you’re older and reminisce about times gone by? (Hopefully including a lot of less-than-wholesome memories, hehehe.) My point is: she’s already made some effort for you, doing the roleplay, etc. She’s demonstrating that she’s willing to meet you halfway. You also need to be kind and patient with her as you explain that you want her to want it too, and recommend some of these things she can do to increase her desire. And it won’t be an immediate effect; but taking these definitely works, I can assure you. Once she’s got her mojo back, so to speak, hopefully it’ll become a much more satisfying relationship! Good luck to you both.

 

[atara]

there is a age gap between my partner and I by more than 10 years, I am 31.

I am 31 now btw - we've been together 5 or so years

So she's in her mid-40s and not terribly enthusiastic about sex? Assuming that she hadn't "seen it all" while still in high school. Am I reading this right?

3somes with girls, guys, more even, had been a side piece on a couple of occasions.

You didn't list any sex acts, you listed relational acts. You can sleep around and still do it badly the whole time. And it's easy to talk a big game about how great you were in bed when nobody knows the truth.

We're locked in on so many things though and for me moving out of the relationship is gonna be really difficult. She'll help me I reckon but it's a big step.

I'm sensing that some money is involved. Was involved. Has been involved. Etc.

Ngl getting into a relationship with someone much older than you while you have a severe opi habit just doesn't seem like it could ever be a healthy situation long-term.