Afraid to have fun?

[Drew.]

Hey.
This issue has kind of plagued me the last five to seven years. I used to experiment lots with drugs, until my friend almost died, and my ex got me into plugging Morphine.
I have done most typical drugs, psychedelics being the one that was most impactful. But I also feel like my past use allowed me to realize certain things, like how to pick up signals and movements, so that you can turn a conversation your way.
My charismatic embodiment seems to pulse out and draw people toward me. It comes to the point where it I'm with the right crowd, and I'm comfortable, I can almost feel like I run the show.
But this makes me uncomfortable. I suffer from anxiety, and when things seem to feel like they're running smoothly, I always start to feel in trouble. I start to doubt myself, and begin to think I'm just manipulating everyone to get whatever I want.

Sure, that's nice for some. But I constantly feel like scum because I'll wake up after a night out feeling absolutely ashamed.
I have been told I did nothing wrong after nights out and I will still feel 100% guilty .
If I drink and have a good time, and make out with someone random (even if it was consensual) I would wake up the next day feeling so guilty, like I had said and done things that have tricked a person into thinking I'm some amazing person. Or I have somehow got them fooled by saying something that could potentially give false hopes.
I know this is all probably in my head, because I had my heart broken a few years ago, and it took over two years to recover.
At one point during the breakup I had an amazing catch - but because I was so broken I was just using her as a rebound. And I did that by being ME. By sharing my points of view and values, and in return she treated me like a king.
But I can't help but feel so shameful because my heart wasnt in it, ever. It was like my brain knew what to say, as usual, so it just fed into it. Until eventually she was so good for me that I had to end it because I felt so guilty lying about... Well basically the foundation of our relationship.
I manipulated one of the smartest humans I've come into contact with. Or that's what it feels like at least. And that scares me.

Since January I've been off the suboxone program and have only done Marijuana and alcohol since.

I have rekindled my relationships with long lost friends and even go out and party with them, for the first time in years I have stopped staying at home and doing nothing.

I have now gone back to staying at home most weekends, with the mentality that I'm just going to embarrass myself or make mistakes with whomever I'm with.
It's like anything that might make me feel good I feel like I don't deserve because I didn't earn it.

Am I just afraid to have fun? Hurt people? Is this anxiety? Why am I having so much trouble getting back out there with positive thoughts, since I've only recently come out of opiate addiction?
Please any thoughts or concerns or advice would be great. Hopefully this makes sense, I'm not a psychic. But I guess I would call myself intuitive.

 

[Notnemore1985]

I am very familiar with how you feel. I'll make a comparison. I'm very smart. Book smart. I flew through school with straight A's. Same with college. BUT I don't *feel* smart. I always have this voice in the back of my mind telling me that I'm just skating through. That I'm getting lucky. No way I could be so good at all of these subjects. I mean, I barely try. Same with my professional life. I'm damn good at my job. Or so everyone else thinks. Very knowledgeable and efficient. But again in the back of my head I feel like i have all these people fooled. I don't do anything special. Just what is expected of me. Blah blah blah.

But it really comes down to self esteem. My self esteem is shit. Even though I AM that good at what I do. I don't feel like I'm good enough to possibly *actually* be that good, not really. But I am. You are. Hopefully you can realize that one day. People are drawn to you because they like you. Plain and simple. You gotta have a little more faith in yourself.

 

[herbavore]

I have seen so many good students suffer from this kind of self-doubt. I think academia in particular unintentionally fosters this.

As to feeling that you manipulate people, perhaps you are aware at one level that you are withholding your true self from others? In other words, you do not risk letting your own vulnerability show?

Can you look back to your childhood and find roots for this sense that you don't "deserve" any happiness, or is it something you have developed in adulthood?

Humans overcomplicate so much. Can you imagine a dog joyously playing frisbee catch torturing himself afterwards with thoughts like, "I really didn't deserve to be that happy" or "If my human only knew how terrible I am he would never throw that frisbee for me again"? We don't really deserve anything--neither the bad nor the good that happens to us--we are just alive and bumbling along with everyone else trying to find meaningful connection. I do find that when you listen to yourself and honestly question and delve into what you hear, you can usually find solutions to what is troubling you.