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Affair rocked my world

N

Northernman

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 11, 2015
Messages
3
Hi, this is my first post. I'm in my 50's and have 3 children in their teens. My wife and I have been together for 20 yrs. Three years ago I discovered that my wife was involved with a married work colleague. This bloke is a similar age to my wife, both in their mid 40's. I outed him to his wife and children and was then subjected to an AVO. My wife blamed me for the affair and has not done anything to rebuild our relationship. I found out all the gory details from her affair partner prior to him running off and hiding behind his AVO. The text and e-mails I uncovered and a couple of iphone pics were humiliating. The thing that shocked me is a common theme. My wife was prepared to do things with this piece of dirt that she refused to do with me or only ever did reluctantly a handful of times back in the day. I was taken aback by how she lavished praise on this low life. As a man it rocked me to know that he had the type of impact on her that she described. I understand that things do get blown up out of proportion when two people are caught up in this but nonetheless it was powerful stuff. This whole charade lasted about 18 months I've calculated. She refuses to discuss it now, even though I did get her to fess up some detail early on. But because I was angry about what she told me, she then used that as a reason to shutdown. In any case our sex life came to a complete halt after about a week of what is known as hysterical bonding. She will not have intimate relations with me. Unfortunately there is too much at stake with my children right now in terms of schooling and also financially. I simply cannot afford to move out and she refuses to leave. So I am literally stuck. I am trying to meet other women but it is difficult as we are under the same roof and to be honest I just want some physical relations right now, I am not wanting to start a relationship. Yeah, I know but that is how I feel right now. Prostitution is out of the question though; It's just not my thing. My situation is a tough one but not that uncommon from what I have read. Thanks for reading - Northernman
 
I don't really have any advice but I wanted to say that I am sorry that you are going through this. I hope that you are in a good place financially soon in order to be able to move on from your "wife".
 
Have sex with other women at their place or a hotel. Not difficult. No-strings sex, even include that you're in a dying marriage.

Anything she does with someone else, she should be willing to do with you. Unless its anal sex in which that POS has a 5 inch penis and yours is 10 inches, that would make sense.

Another reason why I don't believe in monogamy, adding a 3rd every once in a while does add a good amount of spark, if done right with honesty and respect. This affair you experienced is bullshit of course. And fuck his life, he fucked you and you outted him to his family. That his fault for being a prick. I'
 
Sorry to hear it and is never easy but I would honestly just sit down with the kids and explain that the relationship has failed and you are no longer together because they will see it whether you want them too, its hard but my dad did it with me when my mom cheated on him when I was a kid and it helped me cope to know I could talk to my dad and it wasn't my fault because kids tend to blame themselves, I wish you the best and if you are wanting physical contact just be up front and go to there house its still just as fun
regards Neo
 
MissVL said:
I don't really have any advice but I wanted to say that I am sorry that you are going through this. I hope that you are in a good place financially soon in order to be able to move on from your "wife".
Click to expand...

Agreed. Get your finances and property in order.

What is an AVO?

Talk to your children like neo said.
 
What is an Apprehended Violence Order?

An Apprehended Violence Order (AVO) is an Order made by a court against a person who makes you fear for your safety, to protect you from further violence, intimidation or harassment. All Apprehended Violence Orders made by the court prohibit the person who is causing these fears from assaulting, harassing, threatening, stalking, or intimidating you. Other conditions can be included.

The person you fear, known as the defendant, must obey the Order made by the court. You can contact the police to help you apply for an Order, or you can contact your local court for assistance. There are two types of Apprehended Violence Orders:

1. Apprehended Domestic Violence Order (ADVO)
An Apprehended Domestic Violence Order is made where the people involved are related, living together or in an intimate relationship, or have previously been in this situation. In the case of an Aboriginal person or Torres Strait Islander, Apprehended Domestic Violence Orders can also be made where the people involved are part of the kin or extended family of the other person. Apprehended Domestic Violence Orders are also available to people who are or have been in a dependent care arrangement with another person, including paid carers, and to people living in the same residential facility.

2. Apprehended Personal Violence Order (APVO)
An Apprehended Personal Violence Order is made where the people involved are not related and do not have a domestic relationship, for example, they are neighbours or work together.

http://www.domesticviolence.nsw.gov.au/get_help/what_is_an_apprehended_violence_order_avo
 
welcome northern man. as a guy, putting myself in your shoes, im sorry you are confronting this situation. it must really fuck with you.

get laid. it will at least make you a little happy. i dont know where you r from but just get over your BS about paying for it and do it. get some unknown hooker pay her enough to do all those things your wife would never do and go nuts. you said its not your thing. fuck it. get over it. if i knew you i would pay some hooker to pretend like she likes you just to fuck you so you can get laid. do it. then tell your wifey all about it.

of course she wont have sex with you, and probably never will again. sorry to say that but it is the hard reality. who cares what she did with him and all that, this is about you and since it is obvious the relationship is gonna die, no sense in being decent about it. ok so if the hooker thing REALLY isnt for you, is there anyone even remotely attracted to you. grow some balls and ask her out. you gotta get laid man. i feel bad for you, for whatever that is worth.

also i agree with what one of the mods said about monogomous relationships, they are fucked. as humans i do not think we are even genetically programmed to be that way, it is just centuries of religion and what the ruling class thinks we should do to maintain order. i know there are some other less than human animals that maintain monongomous partners for life, like penguins and shit, but they dot have internet access, yet anyway.
 
The AVO was thrown out because the coward wouldn't front court. I'm working on someone; so to speak. No strings. I'm dead out of practice and have dropped in confidence. So it will be interesting how she responds to that suggestion. I did have an experience with a pro when I was in my late teens but she looked like my Mum so I guess that's where the block started. Maybe I should reconsider, anyway thanks for your feedback people.
 
Hi hun,

I'm very sorry to hear that you have had to go through this horrible experience.

If things are well and truly dead with your wife then go out, have fun, make yourself looking drop dead gorgeous.

Go and meet a lovely lady and go back to hers or book into a hotel for a night of much wanted sexy times.

Sit your children down and explain to them about what has happened with their mum. They need to know the truth.

My mother cheated on my father for many years and it was terrible. Put your babies first.

I sincerely wish you good luck in meeting someone new for a good sex session. Keep us posted on how you get on :)
 
It's mad ! Here's a woman who I have been with for 20 yrs and she is quite content to cruise along. She has a well paid job, her cats, her drink and a pretty good home; the kids are doing well by and large - but she thinks it is acceptable to have zero intimacy. I am the one who has all these unanswered questions, who would love to open up the conversation and lay it all on the table and do whatever it takes to rebuild - counseling, whatever. I dragged her to one solitary session a few years back and she lost it because it was a Friday evening and she was well ready for drink number one. Couldn't wait a damn hour! It turned out to be beneficial but she played it like i was going to use the counseling to hammer her. Which never happened of course but that was the only visit for her. I ended up doing counseling for nearly a year. But in the end it always comes back to what you are going to do about it. There's no way around it. I realised that I had become this piss weak Mr safe bet. The good bloke at home who works shifts and keeps the joint running but is not attractive. I had gained weight - i realised I was very depressed, after the fact, when the shit hit the fan about her affair. So I did all this stuff - worked out, changed how I dressed and how I cut my hair, I cut out the hint dropping for sex. I did whatever i could to change my behavior and it added up to a hill of beans - zero. All the bullshit excuse were rolled out and I was swallowing it up - just more lies. A full year passed without intimacy and that rolled into two years! I started to think that maybe she was expecting or hoping I would leave. And boy did I want to but it was and is just not possible as I have mentioned. Then it settled into this situation where for all intents and purposes we are in a happy relationship. But what she is unable to comprehend or does not want to comprehend is that to deny your partner physical intimacy is almost equal in humiliation to being cheated on. As these pieces fell into place - that ultimately she was not going to deal with this and the deep self examination it required, I was forced to pick myself up. So yes, here I am wanting to get it on but there is a certain invisibility when you are in your 50's. You are on very limited time to try and make something happen to find a like minded fbuddy. You have to decide whether you push that button and open it up to the family or if you keep it quiet and end up effectively doing what your partner did. Believe me I do not need extra stress - one of my children is only now recovering after being very ill for 10 months. On the other hand I don't want more secrets but what kind of household will it become with the idea that Dad is heading off to see the 'boys' or some other euphemism. I am leaning to just going out and getting whichever way I can just to feel the way I am entitled to feel but it is complicated and yes, it is new territory after such a long time. Maybe I am just shit scared and feeling my age. However I am feeling confident that once I get over my blocks to making something happen I'll wonder why the hell I didn't do it ages ago. Please excuse my rant and once again thanks for your feedback PS: if you know anyone....:)
 
please use paragraphs. please.

besides that she doesnt sound like she has physical attraction to you.

i dont know what to advise.

why cant you split up and get separate places? if thats what you feel like..
 
1 - paragraph. Most people won't read it or will read part of it.
2 - ranting is fine.
3 - dump the bitch. its over, its long over. It was over years ago. fuck her, make a FB post about her and her doche guy.
4 - Don't be a push over any more. Post to your FB how you paid the bills, you made the home, took care of kids while she drank and fucked with NO effort to your relationship.

Yep, there is NOTHING to salvage. She isn't interested in you. She has no answers for you because they are lame. Who knows why. People do a lot of stupid and crazy shit without knowing why. But for certain, you're nothing to her.

So, do not be the victim of being "the nice guy". Go online, find some women in the 25~45 age group that wants to shag. Start doing research into local websites as YOU seem to be in the UK.
So, file divorce papers. Kick her out of the house if possible. It'll be unfortunate to your kids, but hey... this is life and its better you be a MAN to your kids than a PUSSY get walked over. By the way, I'd give the same advice if you were a woman and your husband cheating, etc.

Next, don't blame all women for your wife. Not all people are complete assholes.
Start going to the gym, at least 4 times a week. No booze until you reach your goals. See how much weight you need to lose, talk to a trainer and your doctor. I lost a lot of weight when an EX fucked me over many many years ago. I directed that anger on my work outs.

Start going out to meet women or going to clubs and make NEW friends. I mean it. Don't hang with your old friends, make new ones to bring new life into yours. Go to good clubs or places you've never been to before.
Getting laid is a great way to move on too. Feel better about your self.

I have a friend about 65 years old, he still has sex with women in the 30~45yrs of age. I think he avg. about one new woman every two weeks.
 
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i think your reaction is probably normal. And if your wife doesn't want to work it out then you have a right to seek solace elsewhere
 
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