Hello Bluelight Dwellers.
I am a new member, but have observed this site throughout the years for information and entertainment. I use to post on various forum sites when I was younger, but had dropped the habit as life got more busy and for whatever other reasons...point being, although I'm familiar with the territory it feels a little awkward to jump into a new community. Either way, I find myself unable to talk to anyone in person and so I am turning to the internet. I think I just need a place to vent, organize my thoughts and to get objective opinions from strangers. I will try to keep this from being too long, but I feel like there are so many factors at play it may be hard.
I have been a casual drug user for 15 years. I say casual because I have always been able to maintain school, jobs and family, but some people might say a person who smokes pot daily and does hallucinogens sporadically isn't a casual user. Whatever your opinion, I state this to give you a sense of who I am and where I'm coming from as I describe my situation.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. We live together and care for fur babies together. We have fun, we love each other, we fight, we make up, we pay bills, we basically live life and for the most part we communicate well.
We have both used drugs together and before we met each other. When we were first dating, he told me that he went to rehab for cocaine use. He said he recognized that he was doing lots of it every night despite not wanting to, so he checked himself into a program. He didn't end up finishing it because he didn't agree with certain hypocrisies. One being which addictions are socially acceptable to replace your DOC with (i.e. coffee and cigarettes) and which are not (video games and sex). Another, issue he had with the program was the idea that he had to accept that he was powerless to his addiction. He felt that this was wrong since it was his choice to seek help. In having this discussion with him I could see his points, but I cannot say that I wasn't skeptical that these were maybe the justifications that allowed him to continue as he pleased. Despite my concerns, I felt that it is possible for people to make and learn from mistakes in their lives. I have done so, why couldn't someone else. Plus, he was being honest with me, there was no reason for me to know without him telling me. Lastly, he would have to be amazingly sneaky, with all the time we spent together, to be abusing a drug I was familiar with without me being able to tell.
A year or so passed and besides pot, neither one of us was using anything else regularly. We have partied on various occasions with all sorts of things. The first time coke came up I was concerned. I asked him about it and told him his past made me concerned for him. He told me that he had it under control and that I shouldn't be worried, he had never gotten out of control with it since the time he had put himself in rehab. I guess I ultimately felt that he was a grown man able to make his own decisions, to self destruct or not and I cannot control others. We had talked about it and again I felt like he was honest so, let life happen and let the chips fall where they may. We have both on an off used cocaine together without me feeling like either one of us was over-doing it or abusing it.
Then maybe 8 months ago he either read something or someone told him that he could separate the pure cocaine from the additives...this lead to research and experimentation...which to me seemed to end up with him smoking crack, or freebase cocaine. When I realized this it crossed a line with me. Maybe because I was unfamiliar. Maybe because of the stigma that the words crack and freebase have. I talked to him again. We had a discussion in which he expressed that he in one night felt like he had fallen off the wagon, it was the first time he had felt out of control with something since the original problem. We discussed this and he told me that he was ashamed of that experience but felt that he didn't want to do that again and assured me he was able to stop because he remembered and didn't like feeling out of control. Again I was worried, but his honesty and actions afterwards made me feel like maybe it was a momentary laps and either way again I am not able to control others actions, only my own.
His grandfather, who was his main father figure growing up, passed away recently. He is not the most expressive with his emotions. In the last few months things have been up and down. I have felt him retreating and isolating himself. He is locking doors and playing lots of video games. I am trying to walk the line of being there for him, but giving him space to grieve in his way.
He is lying to me about something and I think it might be drugs. I don't know whether it's freebase cocaine related or something completely different. He definitely isn't snorting cocaine or doing anything else I can completely put my finger on. He isn't sleeping all the time, sometimes he'll go two days without sleeping. He's had insomnia problems before that aren't drug related. But I just get the feeling that there's something more. When I started trying to talk to him about my concerns he was more defensive than he's ever been. When I asked him why he was being defensive and that I was just worried and wanted to help him, he has in general just acted like I'm overreacting and obsessing/being paranoid. This reaction in itself worries me more, as the other times he was just open and honest with me. Some days or weeks I feel like he tries to be more here and connected with me, but I get the impression that it's to placate me, or maybe him trying to pull himself out of the funk or the drugs. I saw a text to one of his friends as he was writing it once, in which it said that I didn't know something so for his friend not to mention it to me. I asked him right away what that was about and he got upset that I read it. I wasn't trying to snoop, I just saw it, I mean he was sitting right next to me writing it. He wouldn't tell me what it was. I don't know if it was just a matter of pride and privacy or lies.
I am open minded. I don't believe that all drug use is bad or inherently life destructive. But I need honesty in my relationship. It is driving me crazy. I have tried to talk to him and things just don't add up. I've seen meth pipes in his room, but he isn't acting like the people I have known that are meth users and from our previous openness meth was never something he was into. He isn't acting like the time he went out of control with the freebase coke either. I have snooped in his phone before and felt bad for invading his privacy, so I don't want to do that again. The more I try to bring it up without having any evidence of anything he gets more frustrated and angry with me and defensive. I don't know if my mind is making things up and he's just depressed, having insomnia and grieving and upset with me for not trusting him, or if my intuition is right that he is lying to me about some drug use that he knows or thinks I won't approve of.
Sorry if this is too long. I feel like my issues straddle many of your different forums, so I didn't know where to place it. I also feel like this community is more open, so I won't just get the standard judgmental "he uses drugs, leave him" thrown at me. I also feel unable to go to my friends or family because I don't want them to judge him or me. Any insight, words of encouragement, things to look out for or suggestions are appreciated.
Thank you for putting up with the long read.
I am a new member, but have observed this site throughout the years for information and entertainment. I use to post on various forum sites when I was younger, but had dropped the habit as life got more busy and for whatever other reasons...point being, although I'm familiar with the territory it feels a little awkward to jump into a new community. Either way, I find myself unable to talk to anyone in person and so I am turning to the internet. I think I just need a place to vent, organize my thoughts and to get objective opinions from strangers. I will try to keep this from being too long, but I feel like there are so many factors at play it may be hard.
I have been a casual drug user for 15 years. I say casual because I have always been able to maintain school, jobs and family, but some people might say a person who smokes pot daily and does hallucinogens sporadically isn't a casual user. Whatever your opinion, I state this to give you a sense of who I am and where I'm coming from as I describe my situation.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. We live together and care for fur babies together. We have fun, we love each other, we fight, we make up, we pay bills, we basically live life and for the most part we communicate well.
We have both used drugs together and before we met each other. When we were first dating, he told me that he went to rehab for cocaine use. He said he recognized that he was doing lots of it every night despite not wanting to, so he checked himself into a program. He didn't end up finishing it because he didn't agree with certain hypocrisies. One being which addictions are socially acceptable to replace your DOC with (i.e. coffee and cigarettes) and which are not (video games and sex). Another, issue he had with the program was the idea that he had to accept that he was powerless to his addiction. He felt that this was wrong since it was his choice to seek help. In having this discussion with him I could see his points, but I cannot say that I wasn't skeptical that these were maybe the justifications that allowed him to continue as he pleased. Despite my concerns, I felt that it is possible for people to make and learn from mistakes in their lives. I have done so, why couldn't someone else. Plus, he was being honest with me, there was no reason for me to know without him telling me. Lastly, he would have to be amazingly sneaky, with all the time we spent together, to be abusing a drug I was familiar with without me being able to tell.
A year or so passed and besides pot, neither one of us was using anything else regularly. We have partied on various occasions with all sorts of things. The first time coke came up I was concerned. I asked him about it and told him his past made me concerned for him. He told me that he had it under control and that I shouldn't be worried, he had never gotten out of control with it since the time he had put himself in rehab. I guess I ultimately felt that he was a grown man able to make his own decisions, to self destruct or not and I cannot control others. We had talked about it and again I felt like he was honest so, let life happen and let the chips fall where they may. We have both on an off used cocaine together without me feeling like either one of us was over-doing it or abusing it.
Then maybe 8 months ago he either read something or someone told him that he could separate the pure cocaine from the additives...this lead to research and experimentation...which to me seemed to end up with him smoking crack, or freebase cocaine. When I realized this it crossed a line with me. Maybe because I was unfamiliar. Maybe because of the stigma that the words crack and freebase have. I talked to him again. We had a discussion in which he expressed that he in one night felt like he had fallen off the wagon, it was the first time he had felt out of control with something since the original problem. We discussed this and he told me that he was ashamed of that experience but felt that he didn't want to do that again and assured me he was able to stop because he remembered and didn't like feeling out of control. Again I was worried, but his honesty and actions afterwards made me feel like maybe it was a momentary laps and either way again I am not able to control others actions, only my own.
His grandfather, who was his main father figure growing up, passed away recently. He is not the most expressive with his emotions. In the last few months things have been up and down. I have felt him retreating and isolating himself. He is locking doors and playing lots of video games. I am trying to walk the line of being there for him, but giving him space to grieve in his way.
He is lying to me about something and I think it might be drugs. I don't know whether it's freebase cocaine related or something completely different. He definitely isn't snorting cocaine or doing anything else I can completely put my finger on. He isn't sleeping all the time, sometimes he'll go two days without sleeping. He's had insomnia problems before that aren't drug related. But I just get the feeling that there's something more. When I started trying to talk to him about my concerns he was more defensive than he's ever been. When I asked him why he was being defensive and that I was just worried and wanted to help him, he has in general just acted like I'm overreacting and obsessing/being paranoid. This reaction in itself worries me more, as the other times he was just open and honest with me. Some days or weeks I feel like he tries to be more here and connected with me, but I get the impression that it's to placate me, or maybe him trying to pull himself out of the funk or the drugs. I saw a text to one of his friends as he was writing it once, in which it said that I didn't know something so for his friend not to mention it to me. I asked him right away what that was about and he got upset that I read it. I wasn't trying to snoop, I just saw it, I mean he was sitting right next to me writing it. He wouldn't tell me what it was. I don't know if it was just a matter of pride and privacy or lies.
I am open minded. I don't believe that all drug use is bad or inherently life destructive. But I need honesty in my relationship. It is driving me crazy. I have tried to talk to him and things just don't add up. I've seen meth pipes in his room, but he isn't acting like the people I have known that are meth users and from our previous openness meth was never something he was into. He isn't acting like the time he went out of control with the freebase coke either. I have snooped in his phone before and felt bad for invading his privacy, so I don't want to do that again. The more I try to bring it up without having any evidence of anything he gets more frustrated and angry with me and defensive. I don't know if my mind is making things up and he's just depressed, having insomnia and grieving and upset with me for not trusting him, or if my intuition is right that he is lying to me about some drug use that he knows or thinks I won't approve of.
Sorry if this is too long. I feel like my issues straddle many of your different forums, so I didn't know where to place it. I also feel like this community is more open, so I won't just get the standard judgmental "he uses drugs, leave him" thrown at me. I also feel unable to go to my friends or family because I don't want them to judge him or me. Any insight, words of encouragement, things to look out for or suggestions are appreciated.
Thank you for putting up with the long read.
