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Addicts…we really are our own worst enemy

Phoenix_03

Phoenix_03

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 13, 2020
Messages
427
So, just wanted to stop and write this so I can remember how fucking stupid I can be when it comes to trying to still have my cake and eat it too. I’ve been on methadone maintenance for like 6 years now. No relapses in over a year, get bottles etc. Please tell me why I thought it would be a good idea to double dose one day this week not thinking of TODAY me who is now suffering immensely for no reason. I go to the clinic in the morning to pick up, it’s not like I’m going through a purposeful detox or taper…I really hate life right this second, dragging my hot, sweaty (but freezing) ass into CVS for clonidine and propranolol cuz I can’t even go through 24 hours of this hell. Yeah, I have been here before, once walked off the clinic at 120 mg CT, three weeks in and still had to get taken to a detox I was so fucking sick. Nope, never again, I’ll carry this stigma forever or close to it because I don’t think I’ll ever voluntarily put myself in this place all in the name of “shedding the methadone stigma.” Fuck that, opiate me and my receptors for life.
 
I heard somewhere heroin/opiate addicts tend to think only about 9 days ahead of time vs 30-60 days "normal" folks will think forward to

It's just short term impulsive thinking
 
FuckinAcidMan said:
I heard somewhere heroin/opiate addicts tend to think only about 9 days ahead of time vs 30-60 days "normal" folks will think forward to

It's just short term impulsive thinking
Click to expand...
We really do limit our window when it comes to seeing how far ahead we can appreciate future consequences. I knew it was dumb af and convinced myself to do it cuz of a bunch of personal stress I’m dealing with. Well, withdrawal is even more fucking stressful and I do this with other things (eating too many Xanax so I’m left with none a whole week before refill, which is a very common theme around here). I know I’m hurting myself and I’m gonna pay for it but I can only think of how I feel RightThisSecond and wanna stuff my face with numbing drugs. It trips me out to think we’re intelligent people who know better, but the addict brain is a twisted thing for sure.
Some good news, soon as I got home I dosed the clonidine, propranolol, xanax and a small piece of adderall. Within 20 minutes I felt perfectly fine. I was hoping the doc would throw me so gabapentin since I kept stressing how bad the RLS was…but I’m lucky he gave me the other 2 meds. He looked at me like a straight up junkie. So did the Pharmacy tech when I said I’d pay cash since my insurance wouldn’t cover them. I hate people like that, who the fuck are they? This was a one off telehealth visit with a dude I’ll never see again and the pharmacist has zero clue I’m on methadone. Fuck that bitch.
 
jasperkent said:
Been there, done that. Many times.

Less and less as I got older. I catch on quick after a while.
Click to expand...
Yeah never again will I play with my doses, there’s nothing to gain I don’t even get higher and I just guarantee a day of torture. If it had been my soon to be ex he would have been straight to his dealer, even though he also would go to the clinic tomorrow. So at least I don’t even think of going that route.
 
Gonna move this to The Dark Side.

Only because we reserve Other Drugs for harm reduction.

Your post DID have HR in it. In other words " Don't take extra doses of methadone and pay for it later" but it fits TDS better.
 
@Phoenix_03

Give yourself a break ❤️ please, stop being so damn hard on yourself. ❤️❤️❤️ There are 8 billion other idiots on this planet.. so stop beating yourself up already and rejoin the party.

Don’t look at yourself as flawed because your a drug addict.

This is an old thread.. but good lord where would we be…

Who is your favorite drug addict(s) and/or user(s) of all time?

Who is your favorite drug addict(s) or favorite drug enthusiast of all time. Its amazing how many creative, influential people are or were drug users or addicts. DU/DA abound with profound original thought and creative genius, inherently being able to see allusive truths through the veil cast...
bluelight.org bluelight.org
 
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