Engine_Of_Chaos
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 8, 2020
- Messages
- 78
I don't kno if this is going to be in the right place so move if needed. Im letting it all out here so I hope judgements are not wat I receive from this. I've just got to talk about it.. The only way I feel I can describe myself is I'm addicted to chaos. I'm consistently getting myself into situations that are so beyond fucked.. just bad decision after bad decision. I'm a 17+ yr addict. I (and my son now 13) moved back home in 2016 at the worst of my opiate addiction and 7yrs later I'm still here. I don't pay any bills. I've been caretaker/giver to a relative since 2017. That in itself has completely overtaken my entire existence basically. I'm beyond burnout with it..I'm afraid I may have "compassion fatigue" which is classified as a traumatic stress disorder. The job got dumped on me bc back then I was just beginning recovery from opiates and not working so my family thought 'she's not doing anything with her life make her do it'. I got on subs thru a clinic and was on them until July 2020. I quit so I could use meth without worrying about testing. I met a girl from my town in IOP class in 2017 that could get it and I've been using it ever since. Snorting, smoking, injecting. I know that is one of my biggest problems..I'm not stupid. The thing is that no one knows I'm using except the ones I use with/get from and my mom. She only has knowledge that I "sometimes" use. Somehow I've been able to hide it from everyone else. So I have free room an board technically plus I am responsible for my relative I care for's money, bills, food, necessities. I will say I haven't ever neglected those needs or mistreated the person in anyway. I've got them spoiled completely honestly. But the chaos I'm talking about is taking chances with money that is to pay bills with. Robbing Peter to pay Paul deal. Their bills always miraculously get paid and nothing has ever been turned off but damn..why do I keep making these decisions and while going thru the motions of getting drugs I know what I'm doing is wrong, stupid, completely insane yet I still do it?!? I want so badly to move on with my life by getting a job, moving out, financially supporting myself and my son but I can't seem to make that happen. I've got it made dome would say but I absolutely hate my life. I've been miserable for years. My mental stability is rapidly becoming worse. I am always pleasing others day after day and never doing anything for myself. I feel like my drugs are my reward bc its all I get to do for me. I feel like I'm losing my son. He has no idea about my current use but knows all of my past. He was with me thru it..didn't see it but knew. Everyone said wen he got older that he would gravitate more towards his dad and he has and I hate it. The story with his dad is a whole other story. I'm tired and going to bed now so I'm done for now. If yall enjoyed reading and are interested in my story I will gladly share more. I chose 'blog' as subject matter and I hope I did it right.
