Stimulants Adderall/Benzos/Need Advice

[reflection1988]

This is really long, so if you want to skip to the bottom I will get my point across.
I have had major depression and panic attacks/anxiety since I was 17. I come from an extremely dysfunctional family. I am now 30. Despite being homeless at the age of 10, pregnant and giving birth at 16 with no parental support, I am shocked that I am where I am at today. I am happily married to my husband (and father of my child) and I have a beautiful 13 year old daughter. I have a nice big house, a fancy car, and a great job. I put myself through college and I have a Bachelors Degree in Nursing. My life is good. But I still suffer from mental illness, and I don't know why I am so depressed and anxious. It comes and goes, usually every 3-4 years. I have been in the mental hospital over 10 times in the last 13 years, and I tried to kill myself twice in 2013 by overdosing, which required me to be on life support. I detoxed off of benzos last December, but by February my panic attacks returned. It's like no matter what I do, I always end back up on medication. Sure I have abused benzos, I abused the shit out of them last year. It ended with me meeting a random stranger, staying in a hotel for 10 days and I ended up smoking crack. I detoxed and got my shit together, and my husband thankfully forgave me. So now I've been on Celexa 40mg daily and Klonopin 1mg three times a day since February. I spent over 2 years in therapy and it helped some, but I quit because I felt like it became stagnant.
So I started researching ADD, and it sounded exactly like me. So when I saw my psychiatrist I asked about it and he gave me some adderall 10mg IR twice a day. I knew nothing about it except that it's basically speed, highly addictive, and the IR pills last 4-6 hours. I started them last Wednesday. I took the prescribed dose and I did not sleep a wink despite benzos, ambien and trazadone. I though maybe it was because I napped in the day. The next day I took the prescribed 20mg dose, and again I did not sleep. I had to work Friday, so I took some extra. This is when I lost it. I kept feeling like I was going to fall over or die at work, so I just kept taking more adderall. I think I took a total of 120mg in a 24hr period. Obviously I did not sleep Friday night either, and I ended up in the ER so I could get medicine to make me go to sleep. Saturday I felt like super shit- crazy, severe muscle cramps, couldn't sleep etc. Sunday and today have been fine. I also fell asleep after my morning dose of Adderall on Sunday and Monday, which was really wierd. I saw my psychiatrist today and he said he thinks I went into mania. Of course I didn't tell him that I took a shit ton of pills, because I don't want him to stop seeing me. I really did take those pills at work because as a nurse working 12 hour shifts you can't just leave or fall over. I also know that I should have just called in that day and I regret going to work. I told my charge nurse I had a cold and she gave me easy stable patients. Anyways back to the point of this post. I feel like I am drowning in prescription medication. A pill to fix this, a pill to fix that. I open my medicine cabinet and there's at least 20 prescription bottles in there. I just turned 30!
I have done drugs, I have abused weed, cocaine, benzos, pain killers, lean and alcohol. I took 3 puffs and 3 snorts of meth once, and 3 days later I tried to kill myself. I also come from a family of drug addicts with severe mental illness. I just wish I could be normal. For some reason I feel guilty about taking the adderall. I have heard that it can treat anxiety- not directly but by boosting your mood and making you productive you will feel less anxious. That is why I asked for it. My psychiatrist increased my dose, without me even asking to 15mg IR twice a day. He said I shouldn't fall asleep after taking adderall. When I fell asleep I didn't take any benzos or anything. Maybe this isn't even the right place to post this. I decided that I would give adderall a good try, like 1-3 months, and if my anxiety and depression do not get better then I will stop it. But I also know myself, and I have a history of drug abuse, and benzos and amphetamines can be an extremely slippery slope if I am not careful. I do not abuse benzos anymore. They do not make me high or anything. They make my panic attacks go away, and 0.5mg keeps me chill all day long. I recently reduced my prescription to 2mg daily instead of 3, so I am doing better with the benzos. But my depression is really bad. I never want to do anything, ever. I don't have any friends, I have 2 sisters but one of them hates me so I have 1, my brother blew his head off when he was 21 9 years ago, and my mom is nice now but she's still crazy. Haven't seen nor do I want to see my dad since my brothers funeral. I also had a gastric sleeve in July so I can barely eat any food, and now with the adderall I can barely eat at all. I feel like I'm a burden to my husband because he is always worried about me and he has to deal with me when I panic or end up in the ER because I think I'm dying or whatever ridiculousness I bring to him. Anyone have any similar experience in regards to why you are taking adderall? I do have ADD, but I am trying it more or less for the hope that it will help my depression and anxiety.

BOTTOM LINE: I started adderall a week ago, had a manic episode, and I am taking adderall as a trial to treat depression and anxiety. I have taken every antidepressant that exists, along with every benzo, atarax, buspar, gabapentin etc. I am prescribed 15mg IR twice a day. I am scared that I will get addicted. I have read a lot of horror stories.

 

[|~~ANT~~|]

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles.

Do you mind if I ask: when was the last time you had a sustained period of sobriety, without any prescribed (or otherwise) pharmaceutical drugs? You said at the end of your post that you have ADD, but typically psychiatrists confirm a diagnosis of ADD after monitoring the effects of Adderall and you're not being totally honest with him about the reality of your use... So, how do you know you have ADD?

It sounds, to me, like you should stay away from stimulants. The first day you got the prescription you said you didn't sleep for like three days which sounds like recreational use to me. Maybe you don't have ADD, but you want to think you do?

I feel like I am drowning in prescription medication. A pill to fix this, a pill to fix that. I open my medicine cabinet and there's at least 20 prescription bottles in there. I just turned 30!

I think, at some point, after taking a lot of different anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications, the idea of medication itself becomes depressing... and maybe there's a reason for that. I think you should be honest with your psychiatrist about misusing the Adderall. I would also talk to him about trying to wean yourself off the benzos. This is just a hunch because I don't know you and I'm not a professional or anything, but I have been an addict in the past and I've had medications for depression and anxiety... so I can relate.

The Adderall seriously seems like a bad idea. I think you should tell your husband or your psychiatrist about it and get rid of the rest of the prescription.

 

[reflection1988]

I honestly did not abuse the adderall. The first day I took it I took 20mg and it kept me up all night. I didn't want to sleep all day on Thursday because I had to work on Friday. On Friday I did take extra because I would have fallen over at work it I didn't (over 48 hours no sleep). I called my psychiatrist on Friday and told him I didn't sleep for 2 days and I asked him for something to sleep and he gave me seroquel. As far as the adderall, I mentioned it to him because I was doing some research about adderall use to treat depression and the study that I saw had really good results. He asked me the basic ADD questions (do you have trouble completing tasks? do you have trouble paying attention etc.) and honestly I do. He was not hesitant at all to prescribe it to me. I think I am just frustrated because here I am trying another pill to fix myself when in all honesty I hate myself and no pill can fix that. I am weening of the benzos and 100% honesty at my last appointment I told my psych that I still had klonopin left and that I had leftovers from the last 2 months so I think we can decrease to 1mg twice a day. Believe me I hate benzos and I have gone through withdrawal from them and detox and it is the most miserable thing ever. I want to say detoxing from benzos is the worst detox of all drugs, or that's what they told me at the mental hospital. I detoxed for 1 week, then I relapsed and detoxed for 3 weeks.

A lot of the meds in my cabinet are from the gastric sleeve I just had because I had a lot of complications like a massive blood clot in my liver and I couldn't eat so I was in the hospital for a long time. Then I have my migraine meds which are triptans, then I have some PRN things that I have accumulated like atarax, zofran, phenergan and seroquel. I have some steroids I never took. I currently take 40mg celexa daily, 175mcg levothyroxine daily, carafate 1GM 4 times a day, omeprazole 40mg daily, clonidine 0.1-0.3 mg at night for insomnia, lunesta 3mg nightly, klonopin 1mg twice a day as needed, arixtra 7.5 injection daily for the blood clot and now the adderall. That's 9 meds a day. On work days I only take 1mg Klonopin at night. On off days I usually take it by 0.5mg and it's almost always less than 2. For a panic attack I take 1mg. I was sober from December 3rd 2017- February 12th 2018. I was sober from benzos but I was still taking antidepressants, atarax, gabapentin, seroquel and buspar. Before that I wasn't on any medication from 2008-2013. Then in June of 2014 I was off all meds again until February 2015.

Back to the adderall. On the first 3 days I did not sleep (Wednesday-Friday). Saturday I took it and fell asleep, Sunday I took it and I fell asleep and today I took it and fell asleep (after taking the morning dose). That's why my psychiatrist thinks I had an episode of mania and he increased my dose to 15mg twice a day. Yes on Friday I did take more than prescribed, but in my opinion it was do or die. Either I completed my shift or I lost my job. I also did not know about redosing and the negative effects that has nor did I know how much adderall was too much. I don't know if he diagnosed me as ADD yet or not. He just asked me some questions and then said lets try adderall. He is not a quack pill farm psychiatrist either (been there done that). My husband knows about the medicine and he is monitoring my pills because I have a history of drug abuse. He monitors my benzos too. I don't want to take medicine. I'm tired of taking medicine. I just want to be normal. But I've learned and I promised myself after my last suicide attempt that I will always take an antidepressant no matter what. To just show you how desperate I have been, I even signed up for electroconvulsive therapy while I was in the mental hospital. I was willing to let them shock my brain to try and fix it. I have tried hypnosis and EMDR, which the EMDR did help some.I come from a severely dysfunctional family that has some dark things that most people would not believe. I feel like I have done well for myself, but I wouldn't have made it this far without God. At the age of 13 I was riding around in stolen cars with the mexican mafia. I tried coke/lean/benzos at 14, which led to me getting gang raped. I could type forever about my past but to be honest I can't dwell on that. I'm trying to fix me now. I just don't understand why I am still depressed and anxious. I even had weight loss surgery to feel better about myself. But I hate myself, I have done a lot of bad things and I really struggle to forgive myself. I feel like I don't deserve my husband and daughter. I feel like I'm a burden to them and my sister because I have fucked up so many times and put them through so much hell. I just want to be happy, and I have come to the conclusion that there is no medicine in this world that can fix that. I have to forgive myself and love myself. Part of me wants to just say fuck it and stop all the meds at once. But I have to go to work, I have to function. I am the primary breadwinner. I have a lot of pressure on myself to work and be present in life. That's why it took me so long to get off the benzos last year because I couldn't take time off of work. Man this is a really long post, sorry.

 

[|~~ANT~~|]

I don't know.

I had to work Friday, so I took some extra. This is when I lost it. I kept feeling like I was going to fall over or die at work, so I just kept taking more adderall. I think I took a total of 120mg in a 24hr period. Obviously I did not sleep Friday night either, and I ended up in the ER so I could get medicine to make me go to sleep.

This sounds like too much to me. 120mg? It seems like you have a tendency to overdo it with the stimulants. But, I'm glad you've stabilised.

I saw my psychiatrist today and he said he thinks I went into mania. Of course I didn't tell him that I took a shit ton of pills, because I don't want him to stop seeing me... My psychiatrist increased my dose, without me even asking to 15mg IR twice a day.

These statements don't sit too well together, for me. I think with a history of trauma, drug abuse, and a suicide attempt under your belt... you should probably be honest with your psychiatrist if you want to get the best treatment possible.

I just want to be happy, and I have come to the conclusion that there is no medicine in this world that can fix that. I have to forgive myself and love myself. Part of me wants to just say fuck it and stop all the meds at once. But I have to go to work, I have to function. I am the primary breadwinner. I have a lot of pressure on myself to work and be present in life. That's why it took me so long to get off the benzos last year because I couldn't take time off of work. Man this is a really long post, sorry.

Don't apologise... I wouldn't kick all the pills at once. I'd just start maybe thinking about a long term plan to get sober. I agree with you that pills aren't going to fix your depression. I don't think there is a quick fix, sometimes, which is why people need pills. So, they can work through stuff and process the pain that is causing them to be less happy than they'd like to be. But the pills are just a lubricant for change. They are not change itself.

You obviously have a lot on your plate and, by the sound of it, you're doing a great job balancing these issues with all your responsibilities. I'm sure your husband loves you. My wife has also had to go through a lot of shit because of my addiction problems and sometimes I feel guilty about that. But, she is still here with me and he is there for you... Maybe if you approach him and say that you want to work towards sobriety and you want to fix the core of your depression, he will be relieved. I don't see why he wouldn't be.

I think a lot of the time there is willing help available among friends and family, but we assume that it isn't... or, like you said, we don't want to be a burden. I can certainly relate to that...

Going from addiction to moderation is harder than addiction to sobriety. It's easier to do it in two steps. To go completely sober and then learn to moderate. But, in your case, it's probably not ideal to stop everything suddenly. So, what you're doing isn't easy. Moderating benzos is hard enough. Moderating benzos and Adderall and other stuff while dealing with all your responsibilities seems like a pretty big load... I just wonder if Adderall is going to potentially help less than it hinders? Like you don't want to be awake for three or four days again or end up in the ER or take an enormous amount in 24 hours...

 

[Sertürner]

I'm getting the vibe that you use stimulants pretty heavily. Do you use then to the point of panic then take benzos to mellow out?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

The light headed about to fall over sensation is due to your body not being used to hypertension. Taking more may seem like the logical thing to do but is highly counterintuitive if you don’t want to feel increasingly weak.

 

[reflection1988]

I have another post on the dark side. It explains a lot. I do have a tendency to overdo it. I manage my benzos well, but I don't think Adderall is right for me. We ended up flushing all 55 15mg tablets down the toilet. I have some 10mg left and I am wondering if I need to taper off or just go cold turkey. I know I only took it for one week but I have been through withdrawal and the comedown from the first binge was awful. Any advice is appreciated.

 

[reflection1988]

I just started Adderall a week ago. I have a history of drug abuse. I am an addict. I have addictive tendencies. In the past I did a lot of coke, but I just stopped one day. When I felt how good the Adderall made me feel I wanted to take more because I liked it. The first time I binged it was not for pleasure it was so I could make it through the day. Last nights binge of 100mg was purely for pleasure and I did it because I wanted to enjoy the drug but at the same time I know that it is a slippery slope for me so my husband and I flushed the rest down the toilet. A part of me was sad because I could sell those pills, but I'm not a drug dealer lol. I never experienced panic. When I start noticing that I am coming down I take clonidine and Lyrica, maybe 0.5 on klonopin. I repeat this throughout the day (like I did today) and I didn't feel like shit or anything. I've been on coke and xanax in the past so I know that stimulants and benzos are great but also a very slippery slope. At this point in my life I am just trying to get off of the benzos even thought I use them responsibly. I want my depression to improve and I believe that no medication out there can do that. I tried the Adderall and it's great but to be honest it did not make me want to do anything, I just layed in bed and browsed forums about adderall literally all day long. It made me feel anti social. But it did nothing for my depression so that is one of the reasons why I am stopping it. The other reason is because I am very likely to abuse the shit out of it and I don't want to go there, I have been there and done that and it is no fun.

 

[reflection1988]

I believe you 100%. My normal BP is like a systolic of 90-100, on this large amount of Adderall it went all the way up to 170 when I got off work. But today (I binged 100mg last night and have been awake since) I have been really light headed and I have been checking my BP the highest was 157 but by 1 PM it was 130 or less. I think some of the lightheadedness is due to not sleeping and not eating.

 

[|~~ANT~~|]

I don't think Adderall is right for me. We ended up flushing all 55 15mg tablets down the toilet.

That's great.

I have some 10mg left and I am wondering if I need to taper off or just go cold turkey.

Cold turkey. Flush them. Withdrawals from Adderall for that period of time should be totally manageable with your benzo prescription. Withdrawals will consist mostly of being hungry and tired and will probably subside in less than 72 hours.

 

[reflection1988]

So yesterday after the binge on Monday (120mg to be exact from 7AM Monday to 330AM Tuesday) I took Lyrica and Clonidine and small doses of Klonopin like 0.5mg every 6-8 hours. I also ate, drank a lot of water, and took a shit ton of Vitamin C. Then at bedtime I took my Lunesta and 1mg Klonopin. By the end of the day I kept seeing shadows out of the corner of my eye and I saw a black dog next to my bed. It came to the point where my vision was so blurry I couldn't read. So at 9PM I took the Lunesta 3mg and Klonopin 1mg and I slept like a baby. When I woke up today though I feel like shit. My whole body hurts, headache, and emotionally upset. Which is why I think I should taper off because if I had another 2-4 days to suffer and go cold turkey I would, but I have to work 2 12 hour shifts Thursday and Friday.