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A Sick Comfort In Always Being In Withdrawals?

Stickman Roxy

Stickman Roxy

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 13, 2015
Messages
155
I feel like I'm always in a mild state of withdrawal. I stop and start constantly and have cut back a lot over the past few months. I still fear and hate every aspect of opiate withdrawal but I've been in this state for over a year so it's now a part of this ridiculous roller coaster.

Am I scared of having a clear mind? Dealing with what I've been pushing away with opiates? Not being able to blame the drugs for all of my fuck ups?

Any thoughts?
 
^ I am also am in a mild state of withdrawal about 90% of the time. I started tapering, very slowly, about 4-6 weeks ago. I have cut back, and it sure takes a lot longer to re-establish a baseline of feeling well than what I have read.
For me the thoughts on why I feel like this is very simple: I cannot handle RLS... especially of my arms; also, I cannot stand severe nausea. So, I compromise and therefore am dizzy and mildly nauseated, have insomnia most nights and am lethargic as well. Until I figure out how to make it through the severe withdrawals, I will either be slightly ill most of the time or take an extra dose. I have been pretty good about doing that... the only time for sure I allow myself to have extra is when I babysit; for safety reasons, I need to be operating at close to 100%. However, I never get to "enjoy" the relief and just relax and feel less pain; I am chasing a toddler, washing dishes, cooking dinner, etc. It is getting old already, and I have a ways to go.
 
Interesting. The fear of going through full blown withdrawal and paws but I would have been far past that by now. I've been through full blowns tons of times but I can't handle the physiological aspect of it.
I don't want to become a raging addict again but I can't seem to let it go. I have issues. Being in withdrawal reminds me of when my wife was still around. Perhaps that has something to do with it. Fucked up
 
Thank you for sharing these thoughts. I felt sad when I read about w/d's reminding of you when your wife was around.
 
Stickman Roxy said:
Am I scared of having a clear mind? Dealing with what I've been pushing away with opiates? Not being able to blame the drugs for all of my fuck ups?
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I think this is pretty astute, Stickman. As long as you can stay focused on all the physical things WD puts you through, it saves you from that potentially terrifying place of clarity where it is just you and your mind. It makes sense that as long as you are "in the process" you don't ever quite arrive at the place where everything has to be dealt with in a new way. This may be a pretty powerful breakthrough thought for you.<3

Being a tough judge and vengeful jury on your own life is no way to heal. There is a way to accept responsibility for your life without starting the slippery slope into blame and shame. Responsibility recognizes your humanity, recognizes how and why you made the decisions you made, rather than just coldly judging them as "bad" decisions. We have to stop defining ourselves by our worst behavior, our weakest moments. We internalize some idea of perfection that ends up destroying us rather than inspiring us.
 
This thread is me pretty much to a T. I'm constantly dealing with some form of swing or another. I'll go 10+ days off just to rebound for several days or a week. I'm constantly in some form of this roller coaster. It's been beyond frustrating. I'm going through an "off" part of the swing right now. Yesterday was hell as was a Day 1 at work. I had this almost identical conversation with my sister yesterday about how I feel like I put myself through this shit nearly constantly, but the fear of actually making a real change in my life averts me more than the physical w/d's due

Good luck to ya man. I'll sub this thread.
 
stillkickin said:
This thread is me pretty much to a T. I'm constantly dealing with some form of swing or another. I'll go 10+ days off just to rebound for several days or a week. I'm constantly in some form of this roller coaster. It's been beyond frustrating. I'm going through an "off" part of the swing right now. Yesterday was hell as was a Day 1 at work. I had this almost identical conversation with my sister yesterday about how I feel like I put myself through this shit nearly constantly, but the fear of actually making a real change in my life averts me more than the physical w/d's due

Good luck to ya man. I'll sub this thread.
Click to expand...

I feel the same way. We get use to physically feeling like crap but mentally can not handle the darkness that fills our mind. It's exhausting
 
Stickman Roxy said:
I feel the same way. We get use to physically feeling like crap but mentally can not handle the darkness that fills our mind. It's exhausting
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I'm with ya there Stickman. This has been beyond tiresome. I started non-stop trying to quit for a solid year now. Mind sharing how deep in the waters you get when you take a dip? I don't think I've went over 180mg oxy/day in the last year, and if so, it's been pretty isolated. It isn't uncommon for me to down 40-100mg on a normal slip day .... Yeesh. Managed to stay off today at least. Good vibes to ya man!

-SK
 
Well, I'm at the lowest dosage consistently that I've been I a long time. I usually take about 20mg Roxie or 30mg tabs about every other day but if I take a dip I'll rail about 3 or 4 blues but that's rare these days.
Good job on a slip free day! I need a string of non slippage
 
Well, about 6 months later and it's 4am. Haven't slept in 2 days.
I decided to get a nice little Heroin addiction going. I finally gave up and told everyone what's up. Scary but I never thought I would be shooting heroin in my fucking veins.
Maybe I can make it out alive. Fucking opiates
 
Holy shit, i am definitely in the right forum here for certain now...(see my recent post if you can be arsed. lol) You/we guys are doing and wanting the same thing just handling and doing it in different ways. To OP Stickman Roxy, i literally felt your original year old post. That was the point in my headspace i snapped out of frustration and just quit all opiates full stop, which i'm now absolutely and wholly glad i did, but still not fully thru the WD's. They are MONSTER if you get good long old habit going. lol. But your original point and expression - Mine is the roundabout i like to call it... Doesn'y matter what the issue is, drugs, a particular drug or mental health issues which just simply go hand in hand with drugs in general. Latter then the former in my experience. ATM i'm doing my best to step off that roundabout, whether i manage it only time will tell. And obviously i can't tell you whats best for you, or anyone for that matter i guess. But i completely and utterly wasted almost 13 years of my life on opiates. Especially heroin. And injecting, which took me about 2-3 month of smoking before it wasn't enough thats when it started getting REAL messy for me personally. others handled it differently, friends etc, but not me.. lol. But the last 2 years of injecting (very bad messy shit, i'll go into detail if you like) was the thing that set me on the track i hope i'm heading on. But at the end of the day, i haven't got a fucking REAL clue either. I mean honestly, who has... Stay safe people.
 
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i can also tell you how i got thru the monster of a month and half ordeal with even a few laughs a day along the way. (Secret recipe... ;))
 
Yeah beej, I never thought I would inject heroin into my fucking veins. I had a massive neddle phobia until one day I said fuck it. It was fucking easy and amazing and that's when I knew I had to tell somebody.
I've always tried the do it yourself without ANYONE knowing but everyone knew. I'm 5 days into WD now and am starting an outpatient treatment deal next week.
Good luck to everyone fighting this beast
 
Hey brother, just checking in on how your progress is going. Thoughts and prayers with ya.

-SK
 
Some kind of masochism or tendency to temper the body via putting it into borderline physical states is definitively part of your manners but I would call that observation of your behalf and then posting it here as a sign of rationalizing your addiction to the drug.

There are (non-threating, non-fatal) ways to put your body into extreme conditions without external intoxication, so if your addiction is mainly because of the rollercoaster-feeling it should be easy to abstain from the subtance and exercise instead.
 
stillkickin said:
Hey brother, just checking in on how your progress is going. Thoughts and prayers with ya.

-SK
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Hey man, thanks for checking in. I'm doing alright at the moment. I haven't shot Heroin in 10 days but I've been taking tabs here and there. I start a outpatient rehab on the 6th where I'll be getting on Suboxone. I'm hopeful because I've finally let people close to me know what's up. In the past I felt like I had to hide it 100%. I'm going all in this time and hopefully I can start moving on with my life instead of being in quicksand.

How are you doing?
 
Stickman Roxy said:
Hey man, thanks for checking in. I'm doing alright at the moment. I haven't shot Heroin in 10 days but I've been taking tabs here and there. I start a outpatient rehab on the 6th where I'll be getting on Suboxone. I'm hopeful because I've finally let people close to me know what's up. In the past I felt like I had to hide it 100%. I'm going all in this time and hopefully I can start moving on with my life instead of being in quicksand.

How are you doing?
Click to expand...

That's great about no shots in 10 days. Progress is everything right? Tabs as in subs?

Yeah man, you've gotta have some people at minimum you're close with that don't use know what's up. I finally caved on that front a while back. It's helped keep me in a positive direction, although I've fucked up more times than I'd care to count (thus posting in a thread like this because I relate so much).

A lot of people swear by suboxone. I've only used it in the rapid detox capacity though myself.

Dude, this week was one of hell for me. Girl for the last year just flaked on me hard Monday forcing me to pack all of her shit up from my house, including all photos and whatnot (we had a previous relationship from 19-28 also for the record) and take it to her apartment 2 nights ago. Probably only about a 5% chance we'll give it another shot after this since I just can't trust her anymore to be a constant. That and I've been detoxing hard since a bad binge that effectively ended Sunday (5 days ago). That was a solid 5 days of 100+mg oxy that resulted in a hard crash. I seriously didn't ever feel the slightest bit great on that entire binge either, which is almost always the case at this point. I was also in a certified ethical hacking bootcamp this whole week too, which is insane amount of content. So yeah, crazy jacked up week.

Side note, going to a consultation regarding ketamine infusions for treatment of depression and anxiety. I know most of my using comes from an underlying reaction to a hard ass life and a natural genetic disposition to depression.

I'll keep checking back on this thread whenever I remember to login to BL, which is hopefully a lot since 99% of my posts happen when I'm withdrawing, which I've been doing all week and intend on continuing until I have nothing left in my system.

Best of luck brother

-SK
 
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