medicationmeditation
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2020
- Messages
- 3
Hello. I apologize if this is not the right place, I'm new.
Sorry if this is a rant. I just wish I could talk to someone about this stuff, but no one I personally know could listen and understand.
Three years ago I had a surgery and was introduced to prescription painkillers. Post-recovery I used some leftover pills recreationally, twice. I definitely fell in love with them and the experience they offered - if you know, you know. However, I then felt morally wrong about it, as I've always been a do-no-wrong kind of person, and flushed the rest.
Of course, after thinking about it and questioning my moral compass a bit, I really regretted wasting them like that. Who knew you could get so attached from a few low dose experiences? I spent the next year trying to learn how to obtain more, unsuccessfully. I was both terrified of what I was doing, and fascinated, fixed on my desire. It was like I became two people: one fueled by beliefs in right vs wrong, the other fueled by an unquenchable hunger. I found myself in a really dark place, and I was in it alone. You can't tell these things to the people you care about.
I sorted out a new, I guess, identity or mindset, in the next few months. After becoming more knowledgeable about drugs thanks to sites like Bluelight, I accepted myself and learned to find new passions in areas like biochemistry, however my religious beliefs really took a hit. The hunger still lived, but had been tamed. I thought.
So someone I was living with had a minor surgery and received pain medication that they chose not to use. That desire came back real quick, real strong. I hadn't even touched it in a year, so I don't know what was going on in my brain, but I had an opportunity that I could not let pass. They discarded the medication, and I quickly, quietly moved it to my personal possession. Wow, I felt like the dirt on my shoe doing that but I didn't care. With the rest of that bottle, I probably got 3-4 new, nice experiences. I spanned it out over months, knowing the risks and trying to not build tolerance or addiction.
But that's the thing: if I will seize any opportunity to casually use this stuff, even if infrequent, am I an addict?
I'm not physically dependent. I rarely use it. Yet, I know that I will probably have an affinity towards it for the rest of my life. I don't know how many risks I would take to reobtain it in the future, and frankly that aspect of myself scares me.
I can't talk to anyone about it, they would react negatively. But sometimes I wish I could. I have this everlasting itch that continuously bothers me; it nags me to pursue it, and continuously makes me feel like a horrible person because of it. I've controlled it so far, but it's probably one of my deepest problems. It's a secret part of me that lingers constantly but must be kept hidden from everyone. Sometimes that just feels like a burden, but I know I should keep my mouth shut about this stuff.
So there's my rant. How do you guys deal with feelings of shame, desire, and stuff like that? Especially if you keep your drug use - casual or frequent - to yourself. Sometimes it feels mentally exhausting and I just want to have someone there to support me, but sharing this kind of stuff will probably just push people away. How do you all cope?
Sorry if this is a rant. I just wish I could talk to someone about this stuff, but no one I personally know could listen and understand.
Three years ago I had a surgery and was introduced to prescription painkillers. Post-recovery I used some leftover pills recreationally, twice. I definitely fell in love with them and the experience they offered - if you know, you know. However, I then felt morally wrong about it, as I've always been a do-no-wrong kind of person, and flushed the rest.
Of course, after thinking about it and questioning my moral compass a bit, I really regretted wasting them like that. Who knew you could get so attached from a few low dose experiences? I spent the next year trying to learn how to obtain more, unsuccessfully. I was both terrified of what I was doing, and fascinated, fixed on my desire. It was like I became two people: one fueled by beliefs in right vs wrong, the other fueled by an unquenchable hunger. I found myself in a really dark place, and I was in it alone. You can't tell these things to the people you care about.
I sorted out a new, I guess, identity or mindset, in the next few months. After becoming more knowledgeable about drugs thanks to sites like Bluelight, I accepted myself and learned to find new passions in areas like biochemistry, however my religious beliefs really took a hit. The hunger still lived, but had been tamed. I thought.
So someone I was living with had a minor surgery and received pain medication that they chose not to use. That desire came back real quick, real strong. I hadn't even touched it in a year, so I don't know what was going on in my brain, but I had an opportunity that I could not let pass. They discarded the medication, and I quickly, quietly moved it to my personal possession. Wow, I felt like the dirt on my shoe doing that but I didn't care. With the rest of that bottle, I probably got 3-4 new, nice experiences. I spanned it out over months, knowing the risks and trying to not build tolerance or addiction.
But that's the thing: if I will seize any opportunity to casually use this stuff, even if infrequent, am I an addict?
I'm not physically dependent. I rarely use it. Yet, I know that I will probably have an affinity towards it for the rest of my life. I don't know how many risks I would take to reobtain it in the future, and frankly that aspect of myself scares me.
I can't talk to anyone about it, they would react negatively. But sometimes I wish I could. I have this everlasting itch that continuously bothers me; it nags me to pursue it, and continuously makes me feel like a horrible person because of it. I've controlled it so far, but it's probably one of my deepest problems. It's a secret part of me that lingers constantly but must be kept hidden from everyone. Sometimes that just feels like a burden, but I know I should keep my mouth shut about this stuff.
So there's my rant. How do you guys deal with feelings of shame, desire, and stuff like that? Especially if you keep your drug use - casual or frequent - to yourself. Sometimes it feels mentally exhausting and I just want to have someone there to support me, but sharing this kind of stuff will probably just push people away. How do you all cope?
) but cancer is the gift that just keeps giving. But I am addicted to alcohol and ALWAYS will be, my true drug of choice, and once I start I can not stop, It is a horrible existence, I want to stop ( not even buzzed after first one or two and I just keep drinking!! So I attend AA meetings, and have not had a drink in 10 years, and 20 years sober before Cancer. So Total abstinence to my DOC is all that saves me, and gives me a chance at a normal life. I do not get this feeling from opiates ( Denial???????? I don't know) I never run out of my script, and always am trying to tapper to a weaker opiate " why I am on Hydrocodin" and take less.
