paradisecity
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 31, 2014
- Messages
- 7
I imaginemany people on here have their tales of woe and suffering, we are all here forthe same reason one way or another. This may be quite meaty, but i promise touse proper spelling, and tell a strong story, if you’ll indulge me for just awhile.
My name is G,and i am a. Clean for 26 days.
Story beginswhen i was 15, i am now 35. I was diagnosed with aggressive kidney disease,which among other things, was outrageously painful. I took my first Opiate wheni was 15, Co-Codamol 30/500, or Tylenol 3 for the stateside readers. They werea revelation, helped with the pain, and gave me a lovely little glow too. Theyplayed a strong part in some of my success at work, i was sharp, motivated andquite happy. Stuck to the dose for the longest time, a few years, but as itdoes, it creeps up. Went from getting 1 box per month to 2 (224 tablets over 30days.
If i ever ranout, id have the worst cramps, flu feeling etc, not knowing back then it wasthe DT’s. I discovered Nurofen Plus, where im from you can buy 12.8mg codeineover the counter-which to this day, seems idiotic to me. Anyway, to cut alonger story short, the kidney thing continued through my 20’s, i lost onekidney, and developed loin pain haematoma syndrome in the other. I addedDiclofenac for the additional pain (non opiate), but it didn’t work. I was movedto Tramadol. Hated them, made me sick. Was moved to Dihydrocodeine, betteragain for a while. Progressed to MST oral (morphine drink) and laterally to thedreaded Oxycontin. That was probably about 4 years ago.
My doctor atthe time was 28-i was 31 and begging for help, i still had never beenunemployed for even a day from when i turned 16 and needed to keep going. I hada good job, and was relied on so i felt under pressure, and had no issues orconcern about putting me on 220mg of Oxy a day, 2 x100 with 2 of the 10mg quickrelease for breakthrough. They made everything seem ok again. Anyone who hashad them will tell you the same, there no real high or buzz, just a calmfeeling of being ok. If i knew then what i know now id have ran a mile.
All was okfor a while, the month supply lasted the month, admittedly tapering down thedose in the last week, but it wasok. Then 3 weeks. Then 2 weeks, and before iknew it i was up sh*t creek, and i’d snorted my paddle...I saw it on NurseJackie, copied her, and boom...that was that. I went back to the doctors andtold them it wasn’t enough (this was about a year into the dose) but was toldit wouldn’t be upped. Realising my issue, i asked them to switch me tofortnightly instead, they did, but didn’t ask why. Tried again later to havedose upped, didn’t work.
Then i met aguy who sold me nearly 50 boxes of Oxy for £400. To this day, he has no ideawhat he had i imagine. It was raining medicine, and i had the best few monthsof my life (or so it seemed). The daily struggle we all know so well was gone.I was probably quite pleasant to be around at times, but my daily intake waslikely about 500-600mg a day. When that gravy train runs out of gravy,something is going to go wrong. And wrong it did.
Went back toGP, said i was worried about my usage, and what it was doing to me, wasdiagnosed with depression and told to “take less”. Top tip for all of you outthere suffering, just take less! Idiot...
Wasintroduced to another person who could supply these dreaded things, so themoney began to dwindle. I always worked, and i always had plenty cash, so it wasfine. I never resorted to anything naughty to get them (until later) so i reasonedit was ok. We have an uncanny knack of being able to rationalise sh**y behaviourif it means we don’t get sick.
I met T a fewyears previous, and i fell in love. She fell for me too. The caricature iprojected. She is beautiful, patient, kind and was always my rock. I love thatwoman more than life itself. She knew of my troubles and was endlessly supportive,even financially when she had no place to be. A true angel. I took her twolovely daughters on as my own, and i was so happy, nut nehind the happiness, iwas fighting the sickness more and more, every single day, and it was wearingme out. She knew there was an issue, confronted me more than once, and evenoffered endless support, but i was too ashamed to admit it, thinking i’d loseher. Over time i’d admit i was desperately unhappy and why, so she offered tocome to appointments etc with me, but it never happened because i hadn’t beenable to level with the doctor it had diminished to abusive levels of pilltaking now.
T wastrusting, understanding and loyal like no one id ever know. Id always been ameal ticket, but not with her. She wanted nothing but her boy to smile. Thatmakes what happened even worse. Over time my habit/needs had gotten way out ofcontrol, and i spent what i had on that. I felt trapped by the need to keepworking but it was an endless circle i had no control over. My doctor hadabandoned me, my life was not my own any more. I pawned her laptop, meaning toget it back, never did. Made promises i couldn’t keep letting her down, andeven took a loan out, in her name. Paid it back, but its not justification, itwas the worst. Just before this all came to light, i lay one night in tears andvowed to go cold turkey and get my life and my girl back. That was at the startof this month. I am now over the worst of it, 24 days in, and while i feelbetter physically, T was shattered by my actions. I don’t blame her. I havekept working, stopped all chemicals and am trying to fight for my life back,but without her it seems hard. Only those who have experienced it know how muchof an effort what i’ve done takes, and id started it to try and save what i hadleft, but naturally the truth will always out.
I didn’t askfor kidney disease, or to be in the position i am, but she sure as heck didn’t.I am ashamed, have told my family and am fighting for my life at this point. I’vemoved out, its been 3 weeks, but just want my life back. The silent addictionof professional people, or folk who are put on tablets then left unmonitored isincredibly real, and i am sure many of you reading this can relate, maybe someof you are like me.
Do NOT let itget to the stage i was/am at. Talk to your partner, your doctor, anyone...but don’tbury your head. I had it all, i blew it. Comment if i can in anyway talk youthrough anything. I’ve seen it all, been there, got the shirt. Do NOT beme...Make the change today..
Good luck,and thanks for reading.
My name is G,and i am a. Clean for 26 days.
Story beginswhen i was 15, i am now 35. I was diagnosed with aggressive kidney disease,which among other things, was outrageously painful. I took my first Opiate wheni was 15, Co-Codamol 30/500, or Tylenol 3 for the stateside readers. They werea revelation, helped with the pain, and gave me a lovely little glow too. Theyplayed a strong part in some of my success at work, i was sharp, motivated andquite happy. Stuck to the dose for the longest time, a few years, but as itdoes, it creeps up. Went from getting 1 box per month to 2 (224 tablets over 30days.
If i ever ranout, id have the worst cramps, flu feeling etc, not knowing back then it wasthe DT’s. I discovered Nurofen Plus, where im from you can buy 12.8mg codeineover the counter-which to this day, seems idiotic to me. Anyway, to cut alonger story short, the kidney thing continued through my 20’s, i lost onekidney, and developed loin pain haematoma syndrome in the other. I addedDiclofenac for the additional pain (non opiate), but it didn’t work. I was movedto Tramadol. Hated them, made me sick. Was moved to Dihydrocodeine, betteragain for a while. Progressed to MST oral (morphine drink) and laterally to thedreaded Oxycontin. That was probably about 4 years ago.
My doctor atthe time was 28-i was 31 and begging for help, i still had never beenunemployed for even a day from when i turned 16 and needed to keep going. I hada good job, and was relied on so i felt under pressure, and had no issues orconcern about putting me on 220mg of Oxy a day, 2 x100 with 2 of the 10mg quickrelease for breakthrough. They made everything seem ok again. Anyone who hashad them will tell you the same, there no real high or buzz, just a calmfeeling of being ok. If i knew then what i know now id have ran a mile.
All was okfor a while, the month supply lasted the month, admittedly tapering down thedose in the last week, but it wasok. Then 3 weeks. Then 2 weeks, and before iknew it i was up sh*t creek, and i’d snorted my paddle...I saw it on NurseJackie, copied her, and boom...that was that. I went back to the doctors andtold them it wasn’t enough (this was about a year into the dose) but was toldit wouldn’t be upped. Realising my issue, i asked them to switch me tofortnightly instead, they did, but didn’t ask why. Tried again later to havedose upped, didn’t work.
Then i met aguy who sold me nearly 50 boxes of Oxy for £400. To this day, he has no ideawhat he had i imagine. It was raining medicine, and i had the best few monthsof my life (or so it seemed). The daily struggle we all know so well was gone.I was probably quite pleasant to be around at times, but my daily intake waslikely about 500-600mg a day. When that gravy train runs out of gravy,something is going to go wrong. And wrong it did.
Went back toGP, said i was worried about my usage, and what it was doing to me, wasdiagnosed with depression and told to “take less”. Top tip for all of you outthere suffering, just take less! Idiot...
Wasintroduced to another person who could supply these dreaded things, so themoney began to dwindle. I always worked, and i always had plenty cash, so it wasfine. I never resorted to anything naughty to get them (until later) so i reasonedit was ok. We have an uncanny knack of being able to rationalise sh**y behaviourif it means we don’t get sick.
I met T a fewyears previous, and i fell in love. She fell for me too. The caricature iprojected. She is beautiful, patient, kind and was always my rock. I love thatwoman more than life itself. She knew of my troubles and was endlessly supportive,even financially when she had no place to be. A true angel. I took her twolovely daughters on as my own, and i was so happy, nut nehind the happiness, iwas fighting the sickness more and more, every single day, and it was wearingme out. She knew there was an issue, confronted me more than once, and evenoffered endless support, but i was too ashamed to admit it, thinking i’d loseher. Over time i’d admit i was desperately unhappy and why, so she offered tocome to appointments etc with me, but it never happened because i hadn’t beenable to level with the doctor it had diminished to abusive levels of pilltaking now.
T wastrusting, understanding and loyal like no one id ever know. Id always been ameal ticket, but not with her. She wanted nothing but her boy to smile. Thatmakes what happened even worse. Over time my habit/needs had gotten way out ofcontrol, and i spent what i had on that. I felt trapped by the need to keepworking but it was an endless circle i had no control over. My doctor hadabandoned me, my life was not my own any more. I pawned her laptop, meaning toget it back, never did. Made promises i couldn’t keep letting her down, andeven took a loan out, in her name. Paid it back, but its not justification, itwas the worst. Just before this all came to light, i lay one night in tears andvowed to go cold turkey and get my life and my girl back. That was at the startof this month. I am now over the worst of it, 24 days in, and while i feelbetter physically, T was shattered by my actions. I don’t blame her. I havekept working, stopped all chemicals and am trying to fight for my life back,but without her it seems hard. Only those who have experienced it know how muchof an effort what i’ve done takes, and id started it to try and save what i hadleft, but naturally the truth will always out.
I didn’t askfor kidney disease, or to be in the position i am, but she sure as heck didn’t.I am ashamed, have told my family and am fighting for my life at this point. I’vemoved out, its been 3 weeks, but just want my life back. The silent addictionof professional people, or folk who are put on tablets then left unmonitored isincredibly real, and i am sure many of you reading this can relate, maybe someof you are like me.
Do NOT let itget to the stage i was/am at. Talk to your partner, your doctor, anyone...but don’tbury your head. I had it all, i blew it. Comment if i can in anyway talk youthrough anything. I’ve seen it all, been there, got the shirt. Do NOT beme...Make the change today..
Good luck,and thanks for reading.
