Ekstasis-//7
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2005
- Messages
- 660
3-HO-PCP – Moderately Experienced - Seizure/Blackout/Hospitalisation, NDE/Afterlife Experience
I really screwed up this time. I’ve treated plenty of people who’ve accidently overdosed on various AOD compounds from acohol to 1,4B & GBL, psychedelics to MDxx, Stimulants and Dissociative Anaesthetics such as Ketamine and MXE and so on in a harm reduction role at many festivals. This is my 1st time in over 20 years of usually very careful personal substance use that I’ve finally done it. I accidentally overdosed and ended up in emergency medical care. I have over ten years of more than half a dozen different dissociative I’ve used. 3-HO-PCP I’ve used many times before but never had a 3-HO-PCP experience this strong before. A trainwreck experience that I am most embarrassed about and am very thankful I did not get kicked out of my home for (I expected to be kicked out). Despite all my harm reduction training & knowledge (where I knew better and have been teaching others) I went against my own better judgement. I made a number of mistakes that ended me up in the hospital.
I knew the combination that ended me up blacking out and what I was told was a seizure, was a really stupid thing to do and that was a mix of benzos and an unknown amount of intranasal 3-HO-PCP (I can only approximate maybe roughly 20-30mg as I don’t have clear memories) as well as a mild dose of medical THC oil (3.6mg). A possible significant contributing factors was that I had been going through a bout of complex-PTSD related insomnia the last 5 nights prior and only getting minimal sleep and large amounts of anxiety, requiring large amounts of anything to sleep at all in this case benzos just to function with daily stress and sleep at all I’ve also been getting headaches/migraines and elevated temperature (slight fever) during the days of insomnia.
I hope I don’t need to point out how bad the idea is to mix benzos at the same time as dissociative anaesthetics (arylcycohexamines). Not to mention getting to lax and not using milligram scales for 3-HO-PCP despite using it a number of times and getting used to eye balling it after initially getting used to weighing it. (It’s just not wise). Also I’ve done plenty of different dissociatives but generally never with cannabis (only every once before at the tail end of a K experience once it had pretty much ended).
The first heading below will be of the initial “Trainwreck/Seizure/Overdose” experience and I’ll also put a 2nd heading of the positive trip I had titled “NDE/Afterlife Experience” in case you wish to skip ahead to the positive trip/dissociate k hole type experience. The last heading will be “Interpretation (Integrating with My Life Experience At The Moment)” and will contain content heavy emotional content of suicide, trauma and political content that some may find they do not agree with or are offended by so feel free to skip that if you wish.
The “Trainwreck”/Siezure/Overdose
The first memory I have after taking the 3-HO-PCP was being in the ambulance on the way to the ER of the hospital. During much of the initial stage I was so high or the k hole type experience was so strong I don’t think I could speak and I wasn’t even sure if some of the things such as the bus ride and actually going into the CT scanner to check for a stroke where actually real or not until I asked afterwards and confirmed they were real. I was most embarrassed as I had not known what I had done before blacking out and was worried that I didn’t know what if anything I’d done such as “Did I hurt anyone”, “Did I do something wildly inappropriate?”, “What happed during my blackout that caused me to end up in the hospital?”. I had to ask someone I lived with as I had no memory of it at all. Keep in mind the people I lived with did not use substances and where generally very against anyone who uses substances recreationally so it was very difficult for me to even ask them. I was told that I had come down stairs and had appeared to be in a seizure while hitting my hands against the floor. I was told they put cushions and pillows under me to stop me hitting the floor any more as I was appeared unconscious or seizing. I have no history of epilepsy or any seizure disorder and assume this is most likely a dissociative, PCP like blackout where the mind is off but the body is still awake.
This is the next day and the sides of my hands are red and bruised as well as one of my elbows. Thankfully the personal physical injury appears to be only very mild although the attending neurologist at the hospital ER still wants me to come back for a brain MRI just to rule out stroke. While I was out of it they did a CT scan, ECG for my heart and attached a cannula and did blood tests. I believe they all came back fine. When I regained enough cognitive function to start speaking again it was as you can expect very difficult to remember the right words or even form full words sometimes. I was most surprised that when I first started to speak my whole mouth was so dry that it was hard to even ask for water my mouth was so dry.
The NDE/Afterlife Experience
I only remember a moment in the ambulance and a moment going through the CT scanner. I can’t remember that much of reality before I was able to speak properly again.
What I first remember of any type of really intense trip or k hole type of experience was in the hospital whilst the nurses and doctors where questioning me and trying to get me to respond to test my reflexes and memory.
The NDE/Afterlife experience was a strong hole type experience. I was in a different place. It felt like I was in another world. Very difficult to put exact words to it but it was sort of like I felt like I’d died and was now in some sort of afterlife court proceeding. I felt like I had arrived in this place, let’s call it the afterlife court room, very worn out, very emotionally drained from all the trauma of experiencing a whole life on earth. I was barely able to speak or couldn’t speak and my mouth was so dry I couldn’t make words if I tried. I was at first very alarmed and afraid as it felt like I was being called before a judge. For those of you also who’ve watched the Sci-Fi TV series Manifest from 2018-2023, it felt very much like the character test they always refer to in the series called the “trial by fire”.
It seemed like the courtroom was somehow linked to everyone or televised by video conference call to everyone in the whole world or afterlife world or everyone who was judging my case in the afterlife. It felt like the judge was somewhat equivalent to the mythical St Peter at the gates of heaven in Christian mythology. Sort of like at first I was worried I was on trial and having to give evidence against myself for my whole life doings and, will I say the wrong thing and be deemed unworthy to enter into heaven? That sort of thing but no words to describe it. I had no idea if the whole court was against me or not but it was scary. Then as the judge before the whole televised/video linked conference finally asked me to speak it hit me. It was like he was asking for me to give account of what I had seen in the world. He was giving me the opportunity to recount everything important I’d experienced. The wrong doings, the trauma the hidden evil things people had done to one another and lied about not doing. That sort of thing. My dry mouth and inability to form words or worry about saying the wrong thing went away. It felt life an overpowering, positive, divine energy filled me like a powerful massive super capacitor charging from nothing to almost bursting over charge in a moment or similar to that goose bumps feel from really good music but x100. I had this feeling like the divine energy that filled me took over and enabled me to speak better than I had ever been able to speak in my entire life. I knew instantly what to say without knowing it. Like I was directly channelling a superpower voice as clear as day. I felt in that moment like all the traumatic experiences of my life, I was able to condense and express with the exact right words to say with calm precision of every single word like a perfect inspiring speech such as by John F. Kennedy or the famous Dr Martin Luther King Jr “I have a dream” speech but clearer, more succinct. But I had no knowledge of ever writing or practicing this speech ever in my life. It just came to me in a powerful force compelling me to speak. I had the overwhelming feeling of immediate realisation as though I had been waiting my whole life for this moment. I was born to give this speech and for it to be heard and for it to significantly impact the world or the afterlife or judgement of the world in the afterlife. It was as though in that moment I realised I was born to do this. It was as though I could intuitively feel my whole life had somehow been predetermined with all the whole nightmare of the traumas of life I’d been through to be able to give account of what I’d seen in the world so that the judge or judges or everyone watching would know what I’d seen and the evil things done would be no longer hidden in the dark with the powerful perpetrators getting away will all manner of malevolent actions to those who were innocent.
The fear of the judges and people around me in this afterlife type world had completely gone as I now realised that the people around me where friendly, kind and compassionate. They were the very best of compassionate friends, brothers and sisters. I finally felt like I belonged. I was accepted. After a very long and weary journey, I finally had found my home because for the first time in my whole life I had found my tribe, my people, my friends. I felt loved by these people and they felt like family. I was calm, happy and at peace to spend my afterlife with them.
Interpretation (Integrating with My Life Experience At The Moment)
Here I’ll speculate on the relevance of the trip experience to my actual life. Apologies in advance if any political views shared here are found to be offensive. I mean no offence I only wish to provide my experience as I see beneficial to my life and possibly others that have gone through similar challenging experiences to mine.
So I felt like despite me doing a completely reckless thing and accidentally overdosing and going to hospital this experience helped give me some closure or positive outlook to the tragedies I’ve experienced in my life. The traumas of the world, everything but specifically recently in the last 3 years.
I lived through the longest lockdown of any city in the world in 2020 (about 9 months). During this time my job was shut down and therefore taken away from me, so was my place of study. I was trapped in my apartment on my own and was not allowed to visit friends or family by government lockdown orders. During this time 3 people in my social network passed away from suicide, another 1 person suicided who was a well known youtube content provider who provided positive travel content videos directly connected to another travel youtuber I’d followed for years. I saw 3 close friends all individually face spiralling AOD issues to the point that they all had to go separately and get help from medical rehabilitation or substance substitution programs from doctors & pharmacies (such as buprenorphine & methadone programs). One friend lost their entire savings of 20 grand in their substance use issue during this year. The other 2 friends I have no idea what ridiculous amounts of money they had spent self-medicating in an attempt to get by during the extreme social isolation.
My own substance use shifted during this time from only using dissos every 3 months to using once a week. Ketamine no longer worked for me as my disso tolerance on other more powerful ones like MXE more than doubled. I also started relying on other substances to get through the week. I used them all on rotation so I could have a number of days each week self-medicated but only just enough days off on rotation to avoid serious dependence issues or unworkable sky high tolerance. I became more worried that my alcohol use may border or be over the weekly recommended maximum. My tolerance and need for benzos to sleep increased.
That was difficult for me to process. I left the state. I fled my home, left my friends behind, my now closed workplace and social networks and meetups, my now closed place of study. I then experienced another 6 months of lockdowns in the new location I moved to where I had no friends and had to start from scratch in extreme isolation, depression and crippling anxiety & insomnia.
I had faced the worst re-emergence of my underlying depression, anxiety and insomnia in 20 years. I’ve had it most of my life from complex-PTSD. I struggled many times with suicidal thoughts but did not want to give in despite my whole world being empty and there being extremely limited social interaction during this time. I can only guess that the 14-15months of lockdown was similar to solitary confinement and the traumas that brings.
I was thankful that I still had the distant memory of a very transformative MDMA experience from when I’d been suicidal more than 20 years ago and it had made me want to live again but it was now a struggle as I didn’t know how long I’d be able to last under this stress.
While the government officials where preaching “Stay Home, Stay Alive” a number of them where caught doing the opposite. While my close friend was burying his mother these officials where later caught out in stories that surfaced of multiple private parties such as by at least one prime minister in one country, a premier of the province and their lead health official in another. The health statisitcs provided by our own federal government justifying the lockdowns had only reported a total of 5 deaths for the entire country for the whole of 2020 into mid 2021 (before the vaccine was available) for the under 50years of age category that I was in. Yet the young where locked away. The government bureau of statistics number of deaths by suicide in my age category and the age category younger than mine already listed the number one cause of death in those categories as suicide and this was in the years before any lockdown. Not even in the whole countries population did the reported government statistics on total deaths due to the reported popular virus even come close to reaching in the top 5 causes of death during that time. It seemed like a grave injustice. Deaths by smoking where in the top 5. Car accidents where also up there on the list but never did the government talk about those things. We were told lockdowns would only end when there where zero cases reported each day. Imagine the idea of the government saying we are suspending all driving on roads until we can sustainably get the road accidents or road death toll to zero!
Protests reported on during 2020-2022 included numerous reports of increased suicides worldwide during the lockdowns. The protests reached peak height during 2022 especially notable was the trucker protests of Canada and the countries that followed worldwide. It gave me hope again to see the hoards of people like up on bridges, overpasses and freeways to salute them and say thank you. In my country and it appears in many countries, the number of protestors have reached the largest protests many countries had every reported. It seemed common to see footage of protests around the world each numbering in the hundreds of thousands or even a million or more. Yet when will justice be served? Where in the world where any governments truly held to account? When would the world ever put an end to the conditions that had allowed those to get away with what they had done?
I am not a vengeful person and do not take any pleasure in punishing people. I do hope though that someday a form of real and compassionate justice is served so that the world or the majority of the world who generally seem to be loving, kind and compassionate can live in harmony. A place without people with serious issues of narssacism and psychopathy accumulating in the highest places of power with their malevolent deeds hiding in the dark.
I am for the first time in years given some hope that life is worth living again.
Best wishes to all.
And if you’ve read this far, thank you for your patience and your support especially to any that have come to know me or been acquaintances on this forum over the years.
Best regards,
Ekstasis-//7
I really screwed up this time. I’ve treated plenty of people who’ve accidently overdosed on various AOD compounds from acohol to 1,4B & GBL, psychedelics to MDxx, Stimulants and Dissociative Anaesthetics such as Ketamine and MXE and so on in a harm reduction role at many festivals. This is my 1st time in over 20 years of usually very careful personal substance use that I’ve finally done it. I accidentally overdosed and ended up in emergency medical care. I have over ten years of more than half a dozen different dissociative I’ve used. 3-HO-PCP I’ve used many times before but never had a 3-HO-PCP experience this strong before. A trainwreck experience that I am most embarrassed about and am very thankful I did not get kicked out of my home for (I expected to be kicked out). Despite all my harm reduction training & knowledge (where I knew better and have been teaching others) I went against my own better judgement. I made a number of mistakes that ended me up in the hospital.
I knew the combination that ended me up blacking out and what I was told was a seizure, was a really stupid thing to do and that was a mix of benzos and an unknown amount of intranasal 3-HO-PCP (I can only approximate maybe roughly 20-30mg as I don’t have clear memories) as well as a mild dose of medical THC oil (3.6mg). A possible significant contributing factors was that I had been going through a bout of complex-PTSD related insomnia the last 5 nights prior and only getting minimal sleep and large amounts of anxiety, requiring large amounts of anything to sleep at all in this case benzos just to function with daily stress and sleep at all I’ve also been getting headaches/migraines and elevated temperature (slight fever) during the days of insomnia.
I hope I don’t need to point out how bad the idea is to mix benzos at the same time as dissociative anaesthetics (arylcycohexamines). Not to mention getting to lax and not using milligram scales for 3-HO-PCP despite using it a number of times and getting used to eye balling it after initially getting used to weighing it. (It’s just not wise). Also I’ve done plenty of different dissociatives but generally never with cannabis (only every once before at the tail end of a K experience once it had pretty much ended).
The first heading below will be of the initial “Trainwreck/Seizure/Overdose” experience and I’ll also put a 2nd heading of the positive trip I had titled “NDE/Afterlife Experience” in case you wish to skip ahead to the positive trip/dissociate k hole type experience. The last heading will be “Interpretation (Integrating with My Life Experience At The Moment)” and will contain content heavy emotional content of suicide, trauma and political content that some may find they do not agree with or are offended by so feel free to skip that if you wish.
The “Trainwreck”/Siezure/Overdose
The first memory I have after taking the 3-HO-PCP was being in the ambulance on the way to the ER of the hospital. During much of the initial stage I was so high or the k hole type experience was so strong I don’t think I could speak and I wasn’t even sure if some of the things such as the bus ride and actually going into the CT scanner to check for a stroke where actually real or not until I asked afterwards and confirmed they were real. I was most embarrassed as I had not known what I had done before blacking out and was worried that I didn’t know what if anything I’d done such as “Did I hurt anyone”, “Did I do something wildly inappropriate?”, “What happed during my blackout that caused me to end up in the hospital?”. I had to ask someone I lived with as I had no memory of it at all. Keep in mind the people I lived with did not use substances and where generally very against anyone who uses substances recreationally so it was very difficult for me to even ask them. I was told that I had come down stairs and had appeared to be in a seizure while hitting my hands against the floor. I was told they put cushions and pillows under me to stop me hitting the floor any more as I was appeared unconscious or seizing. I have no history of epilepsy or any seizure disorder and assume this is most likely a dissociative, PCP like blackout where the mind is off but the body is still awake.
This is the next day and the sides of my hands are red and bruised as well as one of my elbows. Thankfully the personal physical injury appears to be only very mild although the attending neurologist at the hospital ER still wants me to come back for a brain MRI just to rule out stroke. While I was out of it they did a CT scan, ECG for my heart and attached a cannula and did blood tests. I believe they all came back fine. When I regained enough cognitive function to start speaking again it was as you can expect very difficult to remember the right words or even form full words sometimes. I was most surprised that when I first started to speak my whole mouth was so dry that it was hard to even ask for water my mouth was so dry.
The NDE/Afterlife Experience
I only remember a moment in the ambulance and a moment going through the CT scanner. I can’t remember that much of reality before I was able to speak properly again.
What I first remember of any type of really intense trip or k hole type of experience was in the hospital whilst the nurses and doctors where questioning me and trying to get me to respond to test my reflexes and memory.
The NDE/Afterlife experience was a strong hole type experience. I was in a different place. It felt like I was in another world. Very difficult to put exact words to it but it was sort of like I felt like I’d died and was now in some sort of afterlife court proceeding. I felt like I had arrived in this place, let’s call it the afterlife court room, very worn out, very emotionally drained from all the trauma of experiencing a whole life on earth. I was barely able to speak or couldn’t speak and my mouth was so dry I couldn’t make words if I tried. I was at first very alarmed and afraid as it felt like I was being called before a judge. For those of you also who’ve watched the Sci-Fi TV series Manifest from 2018-2023, it felt very much like the character test they always refer to in the series called the “trial by fire”.
It seemed like the courtroom was somehow linked to everyone or televised by video conference call to everyone in the whole world or afterlife world or everyone who was judging my case in the afterlife. It felt like the judge was somewhat equivalent to the mythical St Peter at the gates of heaven in Christian mythology. Sort of like at first I was worried I was on trial and having to give evidence against myself for my whole life doings and, will I say the wrong thing and be deemed unworthy to enter into heaven? That sort of thing but no words to describe it. I had no idea if the whole court was against me or not but it was scary. Then as the judge before the whole televised/video linked conference finally asked me to speak it hit me. It was like he was asking for me to give account of what I had seen in the world. He was giving me the opportunity to recount everything important I’d experienced. The wrong doings, the trauma the hidden evil things people had done to one another and lied about not doing. That sort of thing. My dry mouth and inability to form words or worry about saying the wrong thing went away. It felt life an overpowering, positive, divine energy filled me like a powerful massive super capacitor charging from nothing to almost bursting over charge in a moment or similar to that goose bumps feel from really good music but x100. I had this feeling like the divine energy that filled me took over and enabled me to speak better than I had ever been able to speak in my entire life. I knew instantly what to say without knowing it. Like I was directly channelling a superpower voice as clear as day. I felt in that moment like all the traumatic experiences of my life, I was able to condense and express with the exact right words to say with calm precision of every single word like a perfect inspiring speech such as by John F. Kennedy or the famous Dr Martin Luther King Jr “I have a dream” speech but clearer, more succinct. But I had no knowledge of ever writing or practicing this speech ever in my life. It just came to me in a powerful force compelling me to speak. I had the overwhelming feeling of immediate realisation as though I had been waiting my whole life for this moment. I was born to give this speech and for it to be heard and for it to significantly impact the world or the afterlife or judgement of the world in the afterlife. It was as though in that moment I realised I was born to do this. It was as though I could intuitively feel my whole life had somehow been predetermined with all the whole nightmare of the traumas of life I’d been through to be able to give account of what I’d seen in the world so that the judge or judges or everyone watching would know what I’d seen and the evil things done would be no longer hidden in the dark with the powerful perpetrators getting away will all manner of malevolent actions to those who were innocent.
The fear of the judges and people around me in this afterlife type world had completely gone as I now realised that the people around me where friendly, kind and compassionate. They were the very best of compassionate friends, brothers and sisters. I finally felt like I belonged. I was accepted. After a very long and weary journey, I finally had found my home because for the first time in my whole life I had found my tribe, my people, my friends. I felt loved by these people and they felt like family. I was calm, happy and at peace to spend my afterlife with them.
Interpretation (Integrating with My Life Experience At The Moment)
Here I’ll speculate on the relevance of the trip experience to my actual life. Apologies in advance if any political views shared here are found to be offensive. I mean no offence I only wish to provide my experience as I see beneficial to my life and possibly others that have gone through similar challenging experiences to mine.
So I felt like despite me doing a completely reckless thing and accidentally overdosing and going to hospital this experience helped give me some closure or positive outlook to the tragedies I’ve experienced in my life. The traumas of the world, everything but specifically recently in the last 3 years.
I lived through the longest lockdown of any city in the world in 2020 (about 9 months). During this time my job was shut down and therefore taken away from me, so was my place of study. I was trapped in my apartment on my own and was not allowed to visit friends or family by government lockdown orders. During this time 3 people in my social network passed away from suicide, another 1 person suicided who was a well known youtube content provider who provided positive travel content videos directly connected to another travel youtuber I’d followed for years. I saw 3 close friends all individually face spiralling AOD issues to the point that they all had to go separately and get help from medical rehabilitation or substance substitution programs from doctors & pharmacies (such as buprenorphine & methadone programs). One friend lost their entire savings of 20 grand in their substance use issue during this year. The other 2 friends I have no idea what ridiculous amounts of money they had spent self-medicating in an attempt to get by during the extreme social isolation.
My own substance use shifted during this time from only using dissos every 3 months to using once a week. Ketamine no longer worked for me as my disso tolerance on other more powerful ones like MXE more than doubled. I also started relying on other substances to get through the week. I used them all on rotation so I could have a number of days each week self-medicated but only just enough days off on rotation to avoid serious dependence issues or unworkable sky high tolerance. I became more worried that my alcohol use may border or be over the weekly recommended maximum. My tolerance and need for benzos to sleep increased.
That was difficult for me to process. I left the state. I fled my home, left my friends behind, my now closed workplace and social networks and meetups, my now closed place of study. I then experienced another 6 months of lockdowns in the new location I moved to where I had no friends and had to start from scratch in extreme isolation, depression and crippling anxiety & insomnia.
I had faced the worst re-emergence of my underlying depression, anxiety and insomnia in 20 years. I’ve had it most of my life from complex-PTSD. I struggled many times with suicidal thoughts but did not want to give in despite my whole world being empty and there being extremely limited social interaction during this time. I can only guess that the 14-15months of lockdown was similar to solitary confinement and the traumas that brings.
I was thankful that I still had the distant memory of a very transformative MDMA experience from when I’d been suicidal more than 20 years ago and it had made me want to live again but it was now a struggle as I didn’t know how long I’d be able to last under this stress.
While the government officials where preaching “Stay Home, Stay Alive” a number of them where caught doing the opposite. While my close friend was burying his mother these officials where later caught out in stories that surfaced of multiple private parties such as by at least one prime minister in one country, a premier of the province and their lead health official in another. The health statisitcs provided by our own federal government justifying the lockdowns had only reported a total of 5 deaths for the entire country for the whole of 2020 into mid 2021 (before the vaccine was available) for the under 50years of age category that I was in. Yet the young where locked away. The government bureau of statistics number of deaths by suicide in my age category and the age category younger than mine already listed the number one cause of death in those categories as suicide and this was in the years before any lockdown. Not even in the whole countries population did the reported government statistics on total deaths due to the reported popular virus even come close to reaching in the top 5 causes of death during that time. It seemed like a grave injustice. Deaths by smoking where in the top 5. Car accidents where also up there on the list but never did the government talk about those things. We were told lockdowns would only end when there where zero cases reported each day. Imagine the idea of the government saying we are suspending all driving on roads until we can sustainably get the road accidents or road death toll to zero!
Protests reported on during 2020-2022 included numerous reports of increased suicides worldwide during the lockdowns. The protests reached peak height during 2022 especially notable was the trucker protests of Canada and the countries that followed worldwide. It gave me hope again to see the hoards of people like up on bridges, overpasses and freeways to salute them and say thank you. In my country and it appears in many countries, the number of protestors have reached the largest protests many countries had every reported. It seemed common to see footage of protests around the world each numbering in the hundreds of thousands or even a million or more. Yet when will justice be served? Where in the world where any governments truly held to account? When would the world ever put an end to the conditions that had allowed those to get away with what they had done?
I am not a vengeful person and do not take any pleasure in punishing people. I do hope though that someday a form of real and compassionate justice is served so that the world or the majority of the world who generally seem to be loving, kind and compassionate can live in harmony. A place without people with serious issues of narssacism and psychopathy accumulating in the highest places of power with their malevolent deeds hiding in the dark.
I am for the first time in years given some hope that life is worth living again.
Best wishes to all.
And if you’ve read this far, thank you for your patience and your support especially to any that have come to know me or been acquaintances on this forum over the years.
Best regards,
Ekstasis-//7
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