3-5+ year opiate addiction, can you feel happiness again?

[ToBeReborn]

I am hoping to hear from others, especially anyone that has managed to quit opiates after 3-5 years using and how they found withdrawal and then if the ability to be happy comes back.

I am 36 and female with several ongoing health issues, one of them involves severe low back pain, managed currently with prescription morphine. I am desperate to stop using these meds as I feel they are no longer helping the pain much and the dose is creeping up, as are the horrible side effects. I also feel heavily depressed and a sense of despair much of the time, no doubt because of my situation with chronic pain but also because the ability to produce endorphins is so severely decreased with these meds.

I managed to stop using opiates before (a whole other crazy story involving a horrendous cold turkey detox!)after initial use of about 2 years and stayed stopped for about 2 years and was able during that time to get physio and other pain management, which was great but when I could no longer access these things, I started back on the meds and here I am, almost 4 years later, at doses 100-200mg per day.

I am wondering if I manage to stop, will I be able to recover the ability to make my own endorphins, or is this disease of addiction too far gone to recover the ability to feel happy again whilst substance free? I'd love to hear from others that have tried to quit after a long time on opiates. A lot of very difficult and stressful stuff has occurred in my life during this time and this addiction is reaching rock bottom for me, make or break really.

I want to quit using opiates desperately now and know I am going to need a lot of support from the good folks here, hope to hear from others battling this demon.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey 2b.. Welcome to Blue Light.. I was on many different substances including a large opiat habit in the end.. I am happier and more at peace than I have ever been. you will need to do a few things to create the best experience you can.. but absolutely yes you can

 

[Papageorgeyo]

I ponder the same question. I abused opiates to a pretty far extreme for over 4-5 years, I'm currently on SMT (Suboxone Maintenance Therapy) at 12mg daily and have been on Suboxone for over 20 months. Many days I am not happy, depressed, and I wonder if my brain/mind will eventually return to equilibrium..

 

[Papageorgeyo]

I abused OxyContin for over 2 years, using 240mg-320mg daily for 8 months straight.. Then went back to that for another 6 months at the same doses and starting to experiment with other opiates like Diluadid, Roxicodone, and injecting heroin. Took a few month break then abused Oxy for another 8 months. Then after months of on and off abused Opana at rates of 60-90mg daily for about 5 months, ending with heroin use, about 6 bags a day for a month. Now on Suboxone, just to give some more detail to my past use.

 

[neversickanymore]

I think in order to get your mind back to equilibrium you may have to get off the maintenance... it took my brain about five months to really return to normal and it is still returning.

 

[evilbrain]

the hardest part for me is having a damn reason to get up and leave the house and do shit. i guess a crap job you hate is good, especially in short term, but really ime, you need to do something that really excites and motivates and challenges you.... otherwise... its just a matter of time before "fuck it"


im not sure its ever possible to get clean completely. just about everyone ive ever met has relapsed... this became apparent to me from attending the rooms about ten years ago.


ive had streches of 5+ years opiod free, but then again, i just had a binge a few weeks ago.


im happy to not be sick today

 

[Blueones84]

Suboxone Miracle Drug

My topic is Suboxone. I was an addict myself. Unfortunately, mental addiction lasts FOR LIFE. It is the ultimate miracle drug. Unfortunately, it is THE MOST CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE OF ALL !! due to its expense, lack of supply and lack of knowledge from a great portion of the populace. Yes, Suboxone is an opioid in itself. However, it has naloxone, an antagonist to deter snorting/shooting up. I have been on it for 6 years and it made me quit not only conventional opiates, but it also BLOCKS ALCOHOL AS WELL. Dont let anyone say it doesn't kill pain, thats such a myth. No doctor or maker mentions that on the label but I know from experience that it is not harmful on the liver, heart, or other organs. I recently had a blood test and my organs are healthy as can be. I am new to this site but please spread the word to others that Suboxone is much too expensive and unavailable on consignment. It is purposely expensive BECAUSE it is something many people need and greedy manufacturers know this. SUBOXONE IS THE ONLY WAY.

 

[gr33n3y3z]

I have been abusing opiates for about 9-10 years now, I'm 25 female. I have a tolerance through the roof.

I only tried the whole being clean thing one time and that was last December, but I relapsed on my own terms, I don't think it was my 'addiction' that made me relapse but,myself wanting to escape what I was going through at the time, so I knew what would be the fix a shit ton of Norco's.

Long story short I was clean for about a year and I was so happy! My thoughts where more clearer than ever, my energy was natural and not from taking substances to get up in the mornings & doing daily tasks.

At first it was tough BTW I was on a sub program to help me kick the habit. But If your down for the ride it's bumpy but in the end it's doable and rewarding. I'm going to see my doc on 28th to hop back on the sub and get myself clean again.

Good luck Hun if you need anything Pm me we can chat about this more if you wish.

 

[bdomihizayka]

I was a was a pillhead turned heroin addict for about 5 or 6 years.... in that time I was rolling way too frequently, smoking meth and crack... basically anything I wanted to anytime I wanted to, which was all my waking hours lol and I had no problems obtaining anything because I have the money and means. I was literally not sober for a single day in that time period.

You have to remember something, opiates are not neurotoxic. Many doctors will tell you that your brain will go back to homeostasis, trick is, you just gotta wait, which can be nearly impossible for some... it all depends how determined you are. You weren't abusing uppers or anything, were you? Then you might actually have a permanent problem on your hand.

I am 'sober' since January.... with relapses here and there but I am serious about being sober, completely, and let me tell you, I do feel my emotions again. I do feel my endorphins. I do have a sex drive. I do enjoy tasting my food.... I do feel a high after working out. I feel great now. It took me about half a year, but I am feeling better and better...... everyone is different, but hey, you have nothing to worry about if it is just opiates you are coming off of because you will bounce back.

 

[ToBeReborn]

Thanks so much for all the responses. It is encouraging to hear others' stories.

I have read that opiates are not neurotoxic, but I do feel that my memory is impaired. I also think the slowing down of gut motility can't be healthy long term, but not sure of the long term impact overall.

Bdom, when you say also abusing uppers might cause problems, can you elaborate please as I have several close friends that are also pain patients and they are on colossal doses of pain meds but also take alcohol and other meds and uppers, but they have also talked about quitting opiates and looking for alternative pain relief, so I'm curious to know how their upper use would impact things.

 

[thedawn]

I would not trade one addiction for another(re uppers).
you're on the right track.
for me,subs have given me a life.
subs for life.

 

[grey_matter]

I think in order to get your mind back to equilibrium you may have to get off the maintenance... it took my brain about five months to really return to normal and it is still returning.

This.

It really is a case of 'no pain no gain'. After two years of heroin abuse I jumped off a multiple bag and 80mg/day methadone regime. It was torturous, but even in the depths of despair there was light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. The fog lifts and buried emotions surface and for the first time in years you feel... well, clean. It's almost a rebirth, and just like birth it's messy and unpleasant, and just like life it's a struggle. There's some great advice here, but ultimately you have to get the living shit kicked out of you before you can even begin to think about a life beyond addiction.

I have read that opiates are not neurotoxic, but I do feel that my memory is impaired.

I can't emphasise enough how great it is to recall things with such clarity now I'm clean. During the acute withdrawals buried memories surfaced from my childhood and beyond with such vividness and clarity I was stunned. This alone was enough to pull me through.

I'm not suggesting anyone stop maintenance - it was just my time and it worked for me. I was stupid to jump off the way I did, though.

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

It was really hard for me. It still is. The first 6 months I was sober from them I relapsed twice. I've been clean for 16 months now though, and rarely get cravings.

I wasn't hooked as long as everyone else, physically at least. It all started at age 17, I was an amateur skateboarder with a couple sponsors, and very competitive. I broke my arm badly for the first time at age 17 and had to have surgery twice, and was prescribed large prescriptions of oxy and codeine. I broke my arm two more times after that, and I began to really like opiates, and started buying them when my scripts ran out and I was healed. They worked wonders for skateboarding, I could fall really hard and get back up without much pain, and oxy was slightly energizing and motivating for me. They also made doing college homework fun.

I abused opiates heavily in stints for 4 years without acquiring a physical addiction, but that didn't last long. I got to a point in my life where I could afford a large roxi habit. I'd do 5-10 30mg blues a day for about a year, and Occasionally snorting heroin or smoking black tar. I'm not gonna lie, I loved it. It got to the point though where I knew I had to get off or one day I wouldn't wake up in the morning cause I started doing 2-5 bars a day as well. I couldn't quit. I literally had to move to a different county. Locked myself inside for a week and cold turkey withdrew. After the withdrawals were over, I felt amazing, but it was only the pink cloud. I thought that happiness I was feeling sober was real, but it was only the pink cloud affect and it lasted a month or two, then I was back to my normal melancholic self. I began to cope by drinking heavily, and I quit that a few months ago, I still drink every once in a while, but only beer, and I just let myself get a very mellow buzz. I still get cravings of opiates sometimes but very very rarely, and I have dreams where I do them. It's been 16 months since I quit.

Honestly, I'm not happy, but I'm not depressed. I'm severely melancholic and withdrawn. I've always been that way though, and that's kind of why I turned to drugs. When I was 3 I compound fractured my femur, and I remember it all. After that I went through childhood PTSD and I believe that was a large contributing factor to why I'm so detached and anhedonic. It's rough living life sober, and every day is a struggle. I find no joy in anything, and I have a hard time forming connections with people. I have a huge wall that separates me from anyone and I haven't been able to let anyone in, and it gets very lonely. I'm used to it though, because that's how I always was.

I still haven't found that thing that makes life worth it. I do know one thing though, I'm never going back to opiates, I know that for a fact. I still drink and do coke or small doses of benzos occasionally, and I'm slowly trying to stretch my sobriety stints farther and farther apart, which I'm getting pretty good at. I've been able to have moments of complete sobriety that last 2 weeks, but I'm really trying to go completely sober from everything. It's just so hard to live life sober when you've been anhedonic your whole entire life, and can't experience long lasting joy or pleasure.

I strongly feel that if I got a dog, my life would become a little bit brighter and less lonely. It's so hard for me to relate and empathize with people, and that's my big problem. I know a dog would be a good stepping stone to help me start to open up and feel compassion and happiness, and I'm working on buying a border collie soon.

I know my post sounds very depressing and hopeless, but that's just how it's been for me. I've bounced back to how I used to be before opiates, it's just that how I used to be was never pleasant. I don't think I'll ever be truly happy, but it's not because of the opiates. I've gotten over them. I really did love the way I felt on them when I was addicted, and I feel like I was a nicer person when I was doing pills, but they really aren't the answer for me. I wish you all the luck in the world, opiates are tough to get off but once the withdrawals wear off you'll start to get back to your normal self.

22 male btw.

 

[Rox]

It should just be the detox. There is something so deep deep down in the central nervous system that recognizes the oxy as a complete pleasure receptor, like heaven. So people get physically addicted and don't give up. If you have pain it will cure it and give relief. But there is something about when you don't have the chemical anymore than all kinds of smells come up and they bring back memories. And the memories are so sad because they are gone. It's so over whelming.

 

[ToBeReborn]

Thanks for the answers. Eyes on the roll, you sound so similar to me, childhood accident at 2, stress reaction, withdrawn childhood, loner adulthood. I hope some joy for life will come to you through the dog when you get it. I do have a bond with my animals, I really love them and gain comfort from them.

 

[lifeafteraddiction]

Could someone give me some clues about depression after addiction. I have been on a suboxone program for 3 years and I am currently on a taper down. My problem is I have NO ENERGY AT ALL, no motivation, forgetful, depressed most days to the point I want even dress or go outside. Its miserable. My thoughts are foggy. I can prioritize anything because I lack the motivation.
I understand this is prob normal after being on Roxys to Methadone to Suboxone and now Zubsolv. My question is how do I restore my brain?? I am sure Its not making any endorphins or serotonin. Sometimes I feel that I need a psychiatrist. Some days I am like "forget it; I am ready to go to Heaven. But I have two sons that are my world and I would never hurt myself. Its just thoughts; thoughts of hopelessness, quilt, etc.
What do I do? I need the old me back...

 

[CfZrx]

You can definitely feel happiness again. Now meth on the other hand is neurotoxic enough to destroy the happy juices in your brain Opiates will force you to make big changes if you want to survive and thrive again! You absolutely must workout and listen to good music like Vivaldi, Tupac, and Bach.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yes, absolutely. I am infinitely happier now than when I was addicted to oxycodone, hydrocodone, codeine, morphine, hydromorphone, oxymorphone, heroin, buprenorphine or methadone. I was actually probably much happier on methadone than the to former drugs, but that changed over time as I became sick and tired of dealing with the clinic bullshit. Granted, I did a lot of work to get to the point I am today, but it honestly wasn't too bad as it was so obviously worth it every step of the way. No one deserve to live a life of constant sorrow, guilt, shame or misery.

It took me years to figure out what made life really worth living, and then to actually feel like life was really worth living. But once I did, it was a completely sea change. It might have been difficult to get started healing, but once I cross that first threshold things really started to gain momentum quickly.

 

[14YearsOfFlux]

I'm 15 days clean after 14 years of hardcore daily addiction. Prior to these last two weeks, I never made it past 48 hours clean.

Bottom line, I'm happier than I've been in 14 years. The easy answer is to surround yourself with love and loved ones, positivity, all the stuff you've heard already.

The less obvious answer is to find happiness in your own conviction. For example, today I woke up and got butterflies in my stomach because I had an unexpected work trip about an hour away and I didn't have to worry about how I was gonna get my fix for the day.

Little victories start to add up. A good nights sleep, a smile, a reminder of your freedom. It's all tools. Use them. Use those emotions to influence your own state of being.